I am new to this board and am really glad I found it. Have a feeling it is going to help me a lot. I have just separated from my husband (can someone tell me where I can find the codes you guys use ????) and am getting a divorce - and never ever thought this would happen to me. But it did. Guess you all feel the same. <p>My story is as follows: we were together for 9 years, married 3. No kids. I thought he was my ideal man, but 6 months after the wedding I discovered by accident that he was a pornography addict (compulsive disorder) and had been for years. Felt very betrayed (am a hardcore feminist and don't agree with porn) and absolutely amazed he had been able to hide it so well from me. He said he never told me since he knew how angry I would become, and as we were so bad at solving conflicts (which is true) he never dared to approach me with it. He also did not think that I needed to know.... it was his problem, and as long as I did not know, I would not suffer. Looking back now, that is when the relationship really ended (this was 2 1/2 years ago) - but I wanted to fight for it. Managed to talk him inot getting councelling for his problems after about a year, but in spite of trying probably 100 times, I never managed to get US into counselling. I only got promises from him - yes, dear, now we will do it. I was actually consciously on stand-by,waiting for him to sort out his personal problems so that we could solve ours. He's come to terms with his pron problems now, after 18 months or so in therapy, and has discovered that he used porn in order to compensate for never having been able to "taken up space" or stand up for himself, and in consuming porn he got to be the center of attention. Charming, isn't it. Well, now he has gotten in touch with his inner strength through the councelling ... and has decided that the first thing to stand up against is me. Our marriage. He needs to be free, we never had anything in common anyway, he's too tired to fight for it now, he cannot open up emotionally.... All this exploded veyr suddenly mid November, and since then, I have gradually turned into a ...... nothing, I suppose. Tried and tried to find an opening, reached out to him in every way, felt like I was trying to sell myself but as there was no buyer, I constantly had to lower the price by offering to change more, do whatever he wanted to get him to stay, to get through to him. Not once during these weeks has he showed any empathy towards me, or seemed to even consider me in this situation, or think that my feelings important, or that he had to take some responsibility for our relationship now the way that I have done. He has been utterly selfish. I also discovered - by accident again - that he has a crush on another woman, though he has not had an affair (yet). Also this he did not consider important for me to know. I hate that he decides what kind of reality I should live in and that I did not have the right to the truth. <p>Last Sunday he threatened to leave our home - not because he had decided he wanted a divorce, but because he needed to be 150 % selfish and be completely alone with his new self for a while, and wanted me out of the picture so that he could think. As I dreaded so much to be left alone in our house, I felt I had no choice but to leave myself instead. I did it only because I feared even more to be left alone. So, I escaped to a colleague's house and have now gone to my parents', who even live in another country than I. Am going to stay away for three weeks now. Need to rest, as I have hardly slept nor eaten for five weeks. Am also emotionally drained. <p>Leaving him alone was kind of the ulitmate sacrifice for me - it was like I had to completely negate myself, my being, for his sake. I feel like a refugee without a home. This was just one step too far. Getting away from him made me see his behaviour more clearly how I have been treated. It killed the love I had left for him and put me in touch with my anger, my need to stand up for myself, my own self respect, stop acting like a victim and take responsibility for my own situation. There is no turning back now for me - I want a divorce. I could never trust him again, never trust that he respects me, and I feel no more love for the person he has become. Or I guess the person he has been all along, only that in the beginning, I did not know, and after having discovered his addiction, I did not want to see him the way he was. I was too much in love with my own dream of a perfect life, a succesful marriage.... I have tried everything I could to save that relationship, I invested so much, accepted that my needs were not fulfilled in order for him to fulfil his. I accepted too much, probably, for too long. <p>All I want now is to get him out of my life as soon as possible. As we have no kids, a prenup agreement and only rent a house, the divorce should not be too complicated, though I of course realise that the months ahead will be difficult, before everything's sorted. <p>Funnily enough I really have no love for him at all. I grieve the life I thought I had, I grieve the fact that I am alone and I feel deprived in a way: am at a stage in my life when I want nothing else than to have kids, start a family (have focused on my career so far) and now I am alone, having wasted years and years on my life on trying to help him, an extremely selfish and immature partner. I guess I thought I was buying love and security, but what a lousy investment it has turned out to be. <p>I am dead scared of going back to where I live in January, having to re-build my life. Am so afraid of feeling lonely, as I am so dependent on being accepted by others (has been a general problem for me both in my private life and professionally), and now I will have to depend only on me. Intellectually I can think that this is an opportunity for me to grow and find real strength within me, but in my heart, I am scared to bits that I won't manage and just sink into some darkness. I am also so scared of now finding love again, of not being able to trust someone else, in time to start a family. Am "only" 29, so I suppose I do have a few years to get it sorted, but nevertheless, I am so scared of never getting the chance to have a family. LIke I have wasted my time up until now, not seen what was really important, made the wrong choices. <p>So I need all the advice I can get on how to do this, how to cope, both in this acute phase and then in rebuilding my life again. <p>Luckily I have a well paid job that I enjoy immensely, so that part of my life is well sorted. And another light in my life right now is that my family and friends have been so supportive this past month - without them I would be in hospital in the mental ward right now. And it has been fantastic to feel that even though I have lost my partner, the world has not ended. Lots of things in my life are still there, and that people do love me and want to help me if I only reach out for it. It has given me strength. <p>This turned out a very long message and I admire the person who had the energy to read all of it! But I just needed to get it all off my chest, and sincerely hope that someone out there who has been through all of this can give me some advice. <p>Cici
