I have been separated for 1.5 years and now D for 6 mos. No kids. <p>Before H and I separated he was my world, we did everything together and were quite private people. I moved to the Pac NW to be with him and his family, who have now ostracized me since the D. <p>So I have a couple of really close friends and no family. I also love my job, it's a big part of my life now.<p>Oh, and BTW ... my D was a very ugly and hurtful situation. Not unlike most here.<p>So my question, is it normal for me to be such a hermit at this stage in the D? I mean, I don't feel like being around a bunch of people, never have. And I just feel like avoiding any stress of any form. So I ride horses and stay at home, that's the extent of my activities, outside of work. I had 2 years of major unbelievable stress regarding my H and his A, and I can't handle any other than work related so I don't go anywhere, except to shop, ride and work. <p>I'm afraid I'm becoming a hermit, a recluse, a weirdo ... lol (not really) .... I've never been a heavy duty social beast anyway, but I've never intentionally avoided doing things because it might be stressful. I also feel a huge degree of mistrust, and I feel like I'm trying to take care of myself by keeping myself safe, but afraid it may become the norm. <p>It's really not that bad .... at least I hope it's not. Is this stuff normal?<p>Best,
Jo

Well my .02$ is that since you are talking about it being a problem it probaly isn't. Some people just take longer than others. <p>Now that being said, I would ask that you keep talking about it.. Don't become a hermit, it ain't cool.<p>Don't be afaired of the world. Its a buitiful place out there. <p>Tex.

I think it is normal and good to retreat for awhile, at least to retreat from extraneous activities. I screened my phone calls and only answered those whom I knew would be supportive of me and who would not talk about my husband because he was gone and I didn't want to dwell on what-ifs and such; I cut-off all mutual friends of mine and his so that I wouldn't have to hear the latest escapade of the amazing disappearing husband; and I cut out all social activities except those I knew would be good for me and my son. I started counseling for the both of us, and I went to church a lot! This worked so well that one of the women at work told me she thought it was good for me to have my husband leave me...I seemed to be so much happier!<p>It took me about 6 to 9 mos. to come back to a more normal way of interacting with the world around me, but I still make a lot of decisions about how I spend my time based on....Is this good for me and for my son? Life as a single mom is inherently stressful, and any additional unecessary stresses are swiftly done away with!<p>Hang in there, you will eventually get back to "normal"....

Hi Resilient,<p>I don't know if it's normal, but it seems typical.<p>It's been more than 8 months since my D (separated since 02/01) and I'm just now starting to think that maybe getting out more would be a good thing for me. Maybe. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Most of my time is spent working. The kids occupy the next biggest chunk of my time, closely followed by worrying about things I can't control. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I also try to avoid stressful situations. If I see a movie, it's got to be a comedy or I'm not interested. I definitely make much more conscious choices about how I spend my time based on the anticipated stress involved. If my xw might be in the vicinity, the potential stress level goes right off the scale. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>There's other stuff too, but... the bottom line is that I think you're normal. You're also getting better. We're all improving, a little at a time, and usually against our will. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Good luck.<p>[ December 17, 2001: Message edited by: o2bsane ]</p>

Jo,<p>If it is not normal, then I am as weird as you. I don't do anything but the boys stuff, school, half heartly looking for a job, stopped going to church that STBX & went to for 17 yrs, go somewhat to another<p>Sometimes I can't decide if it is me or other people but if I came back here after Singapore to pick up my old life without STBX, it sure hasn't happened. Only my YS really has picked up the threads of his life before we went to Singapore, <p>envy you the horseback riding, wish I could. do you have your own horses?

Ya know what? Not only do I think it's normal, I think it's NECESSARY. And, word to the wise, *I* didn't do it long enough.<p>My ex moved in and out three times in a year, and the LAST time he moved out was the first time I began to be comfy with MYSELF alone. As most know, I got involved with someone very shortly after filing for divorce, and have since married him. I love him sooooo much, but... I should have waited longer and lived in my own skin alone for awhile.<p>I too (as sing said, HI SING! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) envy you Jo... ride like the wind woman, and when you slow down, you'll be so much healthier for it!!

Hi Jo!<p>I too, think it's pretty normal. I'm in a very similar situation, although my divorce isn't done yet. I do a little socializing at church and with neighbors, but that's it...and that's about as much as I EVER did!<p>I find I just don't quite have my full-energy level back yet...and that's okay. I do what I can, and don't worry about the rest. So I tend to avoid stressful situations too. If other people want to have a hectic-run-after-the-kids-do-anything-rather-than-being-calm-and-relaxed type of life...go for it. I don't. (And that's not a slam against people with kids...I just see too many families where the kids call all the shots!)<p>In fact, I think people "get over" stuff way too fast these days. I think it's more than healthy to take whatever time you need to recover. For me it's going on two years. It's really given me alot of time to think, reflect, grow, relax, feel, etc. And now I feel like the choices I make to socialize or get involved come from a desire inside me, rather than an expectation.<p>I also feel like I'm at that age where I don't want to do things that I don't want to do. Life is just too short and this whole situation with my marriage falling apart brought that to light. Don't just "move on" because everyone else does...
It sounds like you are taking this time to just BE and re-discover yourself! And I think that's fabulous! <p>So, yes it may seem "weird" to some, but in my book, it's very healthy. I, on the other hand, think it's kinda "weird" to be so busy and on the run, that you forget who you are. I have so many friends like that....I feel so blessed that I know how to stop and that I'm comfortable with myself....alone or with others.<p>Aloha,
Ms.O<p>[ December 18, 2001: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</p>