ExH came on Fri into the flat bringing a small pine tree for holidays (after a month of no communication at all-me finding out OW is pregnant), sit, drank 1/2 lit of wine and started to convince me to get a credit for a new car and he will give me each month so more money.
Can you believe that??? I have to trust him - but that is for the period of 5 yrs, he can get almost 5 kids in the meantime, so I refused (he never ever mentioned a baby or new marriage or even talks about YD's problems at school and the possibility she moves to him and returns to her old school-sometimes she wants that, "OW and him are better, the former class is better").
OD (20) is angry at me cause she wants a new car, but I explained her that I agree only if he signs and deposits some kind of the statement by the lawyer about paying I can do that.
How can I believe him while he cheated me last yr for the car registration, this yr for the summer holidays, does not give any additional money for her....(OD came to live with me after 1.5 yrs with them)
I am not sure what will be with that.<p>Today I sent him SMS that YD (12yrs) should be next 3 weeks with him/them cause she has holidays. He said OK.
I don't know if it is ok, but I want him/OW to see how it is when you have a kid of 12 the whole day and not only weekends. I don't know if it is smart or how would YD want it (one day yes, the other no).
What do you think?
To let her be there from Sun on, for 2 weeks, the third week they go on skiing.
I am maybe too selfish? I am confused.
I am afraid how will the story go on after the OC's birth in March, if he will neglect both daughters cause of the new baby.
He said few days ago (cause of YD's problems in school )that "he does not want to escape from the responsibility ", that YD can live with them BUT he is rare at home cause of job-I had to LB then: "I admire your wish and curriage about one more child then, you'll be probably more with him/her than with our 2 girls")
I thought that these holidays are maybe a good opportunity for all of them to see how it is to live whole day and night together.<p>What can you advice?<p>BTW one more question:
What do you think of Prozac?Or any other antideps?
I am not on therapy for a long ago. My schrink thinks I don't need it, quite sincerely while I was on antideps I commited suicide so he says that Prozac can have side effects like suicidal or homicidal thoughts and that I have rather high border line for sedatives ( I can't sleep even after 50, 60 mg of diazepams)
I think it's not quite normal that after more than two yrs whenever I have any sort of communication with exH, even SMS, phone not to mention in personal, I start shaking all over the body, hands, my heart wants to explode, I have arrithmia...
Any advice or comment will be nice.
Thank you guys

b and d -<p>See a regular dr. if nothing is wrong - you need to see a counselor and work through the problems during this time, learn to deal with what has happened and learn how to live again. your symptoms are scary when you are raising children. children need stability and you don't have that quality. you need to achieve some level of stability and feel some kind of strength. you are a good woman and you can be strong, just make the choice to be and do what you need to do.<p>hugs,<p>Jan

I agree. There are also alot of different antidepressants out there that may react diffrently with your body. Also remember it takes a few weeks to build up the correct amount to work. Also try some non-drug anti-depressants like exercise, praying, finding a support group in your area. All this does help, although I know how hard it is to get started. <p>Protect yourself financially. I'd tell your daughter that she should work it out with her dad about the car and to leave you out of it. She's too old to be depending on you to provide one for her, and you are right - you can't trust him financially. <p>As for the plans for the kids, just let your guiding principle be - what's best for them. Over time they'll understand what kind of person your H is, and they'll be better people with you looking out for them. It's hard not to our feelings in the mix, yet because we really love our kids, it has to be done. Part of being a good parent - even if the other spouse does not act the way they should. Keep strong. K

Hi B&D, <p>Hope you aren't mad at me. I have did receive your e-mail and tried to respond. My system crashed after a long writeup, then I tried again a few days later and you addy came back bad!!! <p>Can you please send me another? Not sure why it did not work. I am glad to see you posting here, I have been wondering how you are doing. <p>As for the trust aspect. That is hard. Live and learn. Your gut instincts may work best here. If he wants to pay for the car, then let him. You could tell him that you would prefer not to have the credit expense..... he could pay cash... and save the interest!?!?!? Wonder if that logic works in the fog? <p>Take Care,
L.

Thanks,
seekingjoy2
"you need to achieve some level of stability and feel some kind of strength. you are a good woman and you can be strong, just make the choice to be and do what you need to do."
That's the basic problem.After two yrs i still see no strength, feel/am so weak in spite of the fact that I live on my own, everything goes quite well, OD came finally to me , saw the OW how she really is....but still go asleep with his "picture" in my mind, wake up with his face in front of me....and at the same time am aware no future for us ever more.
But thanks for support.<p>mylife
You probably don't know but I am MD, PhD... so I hate drugs and in fact go on mostly ok without any drug, but when HE appears I am "crushed", broken. I still expect he'll say: let's go home, this was a nightmare" what is completely impossible ever more. The baby comes in March so no future for us.
Dr Harley says (I e-mail to him almost every day for more than a yr) also that I have to leave YD to decide where she wants to spend holidays.
Now it seems that she'll go on Sun to them and then I'll let her stay there till she wants. She never spent more than two days, weekends when he is at home, with them and never with OW alone. I doubt that OW would have patience and be good to her, she is 34, pregnant, no kids experience... we'll see.
Only if I could forget him and put the hope of reconciliation aside, but consiously I am aware of no future for us and deep inside I live only cause I hope of that.<p>Orchid
am glad that I am not boring you, what I was afraid. I sent you another e-mail<p>Thank you friends<p>Nina too I'd like to hear your opinion

I think you should listen to your psychiatrist about the advisability of taking anti-depressants. There are certainly risks involved, and if you were suicidal while on Prozac, that certainly raises a red flag. As I have brought up before, a man in our town murdered his wife and kids while on Prozac, and we will never know how much, if anything, the drug had to do with it. My H experienced a feeling of "impending doom" as he described it when he was on medication for bronchitis!

Nellie,
we posted almost at the same minute yesterday.
I was not on Prozac while suicidal, I was on Seroxat.
Dr Harley says that "Techically, it wasn't the Prozac that made you suicidal -- you
were suicidal in spite of the Prozac."
But that is also the reason of him being afraid of any similar events.
Quite truly I have no curriage to do that but I didn't do that consiously at all.<p>Today was my birthday and my ex sent me SMS:Happy birthday The alimony is on the way!<p>Last yr he offered me at least friendship but this yr he is obviously preocupated with the OW (maybe new wife?) and her pregnancy.<p>His sister (my SIL) will come this afternoon, we haven't met since I found out for the baby so I am not sure if I want to meet her at all. She adores her brother (she is only 31 and him 43-always his baby sister) and I hate hypocryts. My exMIL and FIL never ask about YD, they meet her only if their son took her in visit, they never phone YD or me. They only have contacts with OD who lived with ex and who is older and can come alone.<p>Nellie wish your ex can realize (mine too) , that kids desperately need their father more often than official agreements.<p>Wish you all happy holidays.

I havent gotten your whole story, but it sounds to me like you and your xH have two seperate goals. He is moving forward with the OW and you wish to reconcile. <p>I have to admit... going though the attempts to rebuild after the affair made me feel the same way you are currently feeling. After many times 'catching' him with OW... even though he said he was trying... he still decided to file for divorce. His agenda was just different then mine. NOTHING I could do would change that. It took me a long time to realize that and even longer to except it.<p>You need to find a way to LET GO! Because you are attempting to hang on... your suffering...your children are suffering...your health is suffering. You are not taking care of you! Take charge of healing yourself...making yourself happy... for YOU, and only YOU can make that happen. <p>What I did was...I collected momentos from my marriage; wedding invitation, piece of my veil, pic, and others... I put my wedding ring back on one last time... sat down under a beautiful weeping willow... and I wrote STBX a letter about what he did, how it hurt me, why i put this box together, and what i was going to do from now on. I cried... I got angry... I put everything I've felt in the last year in that box... AND I sent it down the river... GONE... FINITO... HISTORY!<p>After I released it and all of those feelings, I took my wedding ring off and put it away. I cannot tell you how much better...healed..whole.. I felt after this. To this day... I am moving forward, not looking back at that ole box of memories floating away...but forward at all the new one I want to make.<p>YOU are the only one who can deturmine your happiness... take care of YOU first!

Idy,
"you and your xH have two seperate goals. He is moving forward with the OW and you wish to reconcile. "<p>You are right, we have different goals. But after 22 yrs it's hard to start a new and lonely life.<p> "It took me a long time to realize that and even longer to except it" <p>How long, i also don't know your story, but from the signature you can see, two yrs have passed and I don't feel any better, just opposite, especially these days.<p>"You need to find a way to LET GO!"
Yes, I agree but I don't know how.<p>I have no wedding suit, no pictures (except one from the wedding day) ....cause everything is still in his (formerly our) house. He has not still decided to return those things and I am absolutely sur I will not have strength to put them away (in spite of the fact that that would be the best).<p>I admire your strength to move forward without looking back and I assume you are much younger with more future in front of you.<p>I feel so old, unwanted and unneeded even considering kids especially OD (she has her own life).
Each friend I have is married has own family and these holiday days are horrible.
YD will go to them, maybe OD too, so I'll be quite lonely.<p>i feel extremly sad.
D

((((((((((((betrayed & desperate))))))))))))<p>This is a hard road. It is all the more hard when we realise, finally, that there is no chance of a reconciliation. It is HARD to let go, it is HARD to move on, and it is HARD to make a new life surrounded by pain. I know this road very well.<p>I will tell you what enabled me to let go, more than anything else. My son's school counsellor said to me that my kids were in such pain because I was. As soon as I could begin healing, so they could they. It killed me to think I was assisting in their depression.<p>From that day, I really began to let go. He let me see that what I was holding on to was an image of my H which didn't exist anymore, and even if we DID reconcile, I knew that MY H would not be the same. Instead there would be a stranger, a man who had lived a seperate life from me, with OW, which I would never know details about, and I didn't want to deal with that (again).<p>Sometimes it seems the pain of moving on is too much to bear, when we just think about it. But if you can make a decision to really let go, and it IS a conscious decision, then you will find your life moving forward, and away from the pain.<p>Ok, the next bit of the post may be painful to read, and for that I am sorry. But you need to think about a few things in their true light.<p>I think it is time for you to have a good talk with yourself. Do you WANT him back now, and have to deal with OW and her child for the rest of your life? Because you will, you know. Just look at the Pregnancy/child board. There is ALWAYS contact with OW.<p>Do you WANT him to have power over you forever? To bring you down to a quivering mess every time you have to deal with him? <p>Do you want to see your children suffer? They hurt because YOU hurt, and I can say this from experience......my Dad had an A, and as long as my mother was in pain, so was I.<p>Do you want to be dependant on someone who isn't even there, not only physically, but emotionally too?<p>He has moved on B&D. It is a cold hard fact that some of us BS's must face...........and it HURTS LIKE HELL. But we will be here for you to deal with your baby steps forward to letting go for good.<p>A step at a time, girl, a step at a time.<p>BTW, I would NOT have survived without zoloft.....it is a milder anti-d.......maybe try that?<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Dear Jacky,
I still can't admitt there is no chance of reconciliation in maybe 100 yrs. Maybe I am luying myself but I can't help. The only reason for living is that hope now when the girls almost tut+rned off from me.
Maybe if I am on the other continent (as you) when I could be in real plan B, maybe then it would be easier. Do not misunderstand, I don't think it is easier to you, not for the moment.
But when I see him or hear him it's so hard to imagine the future forever with him.
I admire your strength to let go, I still can't and every day it seems to me is harder not easier.
I think last yrs holidays were better than this yr.
You know he took YD on Sun but returned her for Crist dinner cause he went to OW's parents (YD was not wellcome), then picked her up at 6pm, and after that she phoned me and I came to take her to spend again the evening with me cause her dad was drunk and went to bed at 9.30 pm.
And still I am hysteric mother and he is wonderful dad and OW is still nice...blah,blah...<p>My yd is also very bad at school this year (last was better) and I am aware that I contributed a great deal with that,her dad says he did everything for her (a day per week together spent in shopping, no learning, homeworks..).<p>I know I love my exH , in fact the man he was but I think we can still make a new better relationship, even dr Hurley supports me in that opinion. Maybe its false hope, probably it is.<p>
The moment I think I'll let go he came or phone and I am still finding myself cryng begging him to come back.<p>
There is ALWAYS contact with OW.<p>But there will always be the contact with me cause of my two girls. We simply can't cut every contact. We'll always be bounded , why can't those boundaries be stronger then her child and her. We spent together 20yrs and they are together two and a half.
What is stronger?
Every little thing he has now ( I mean material but also memories) he made with me and girls. She is only 1/10 part of his life.<p>
I dont WANT him to have power on me but he HAS and WILL ALWAYS HAVE this power.<p>
Just today I spoke with my schrink and he still does not want to give me anything like Prozac.
Can you write me what is the generic name for Zoloft (we here have different commercial names, and BTW I am MD, PhD, obviously very bad, can't help myself)<p>Thank you<p>Love to you and kids

Hi there,<p>I don't know of a generic name for zoloft, but I will tell you what is in it, maybe that will help.<p>Each tablet that I have contains 100mg of sertraline hydrochloride equivalent to 100mg of sertraline.<p>Hope that helps.<p>love and light,<p>Jacky

Jacky,
thanks ,I'll cosult my schrink but after the holidays. Youmade no comments on the other part of the post. Please do.
Ithought about sending OW SMS, something like that: "You succesfully chased away me, even OD, now sick YD. Do you think that you will keep him with the baby.He needs deep and truly love what you do not know."<p>(in the meantime Maja got temperature this night and he is going to return her to me, too much care she needs now)<p>Please comment!
Love