It has now been almost a year from d-day. My wife had been seeing another man for about two years. I feel she still may be involved. She moved out in August. We have two teenage kids who are living with me.
I finally filed for divorce in October. Not that I wanted to but was told this was my last resort. I felt this would be the last barrier. The problem is that I still have these strong feelings for my wife even after she all she has done to hurt me ( she even rented an apartment on two seperate occasions to be with him!).
It bothers me that I always seem to want to get things back with her and just seem frustrated. I know I cannot control what she does. I have spoken with her recently and have asked what she really wants. She told me that at times she feels we could work things out but most of the time feels too uch damage has beeb to the marriage. She has not persued thedivorce other than getting an order for monthly support. That is now settled.
The other concern is my daughter. She has oppositional defiant disorder. She has rejected her mother since about 5th grade. She is now 16. I feel this had a lot to do with my wifes unhappiness and what she eventually did. I was probably at fault for not being supportive. It hurts me now since my daughter now takes her anger out on me. She is getting counsling and is on medication. Unfortunately, I feel my wife does not want to come back because she feels that she would be too unhappy due to her relationship with her daughter. This is very frustrating because I feel that my daughter is a blockade between us.
I guess what it comes down to is how long do I have to wait ? It seems like an eternity since this all came to light. I guess what bothers me is that some how I feel that my wife does not want to end all of this but somehow won`t do anything about it. I don`t feel she can give up the OM because she continues to need the emotional support. He remains married and I feel he is just using n my wife since his wife I believe is looking the other way.
I don`t know if anyone else has ever been in this same situation. I know I need to work on myself and be happy with me and I am trying to do this. I just seem to be so frustated. I am putting my kids first right now and trying to help my wife build a relationship with them. She has not really been involved with them for months.
I don`t know. Maybe I should just move on. I tell myself maybe I would be happier with someone else in the future. But somehow I just don`t want to let go. WHY ?

I'm no expert, but I'm guessing because we tend to love our spouses unconditionally. My wife has moved out and hurt me with words and some actions, but I still want more than anything to try and make our marriage work. We love our wifes a lot like we love our kids, no matter what. I just wish my wife felt the. Hang in there. I've felt comfort in coming to realize that there is nothing I can do to change her mind. We have to sit back and let them figure out for themselves what it is they truly want.

Thanks for the reply Sabby. Yes I agree with you thereis nothing that we can do to make our spouses decide. I have found that out. I have done everything from Plan A to start and now I guess I have been in Plan B since she moved out. Somehow nothing seems to change her. I know they talk about waiting up to two years but I don`t feel I could last that long. We have been married for 23 years. <p>After she moved out things seemed OK but now maybe what I long for is what it used to be. I know that things will never be the same. I just don`t know what would be better-staying together or moving on. I guess if things do`nt change I may not have a choice. Most people tell me that they cannot believe that I have lasted this long. I also feel that my wife probably feels that I will always be here if she wanted to come back and maybe that is why she never can make up her mind always knowing she can come back. That irritates me. I know you have to have tough love but people don`t know how TOUGH my wife is. She is very stubborn. Always has been.Seems she cannot make up her mind. I don`t know if this is a fog or what. If it is she seems to be having a hard time coming out of it.

My x left me for the dream of another woman so I have some understanding of what you're going through.<p>I had a wonderful counselor and one of the issues we worked long and hard on was did I want this man back as he was right then or did I want my marriage back in a new, improved version. And why.<p>In my heart, the pain was more the rejection and the loss of the dream. I realized that I had been in a less than wonderful marriage for a long time. I had taken my marriage vows seriously and had no intention of not fulfilling them. I was willing to do anything to work on the marriage and fulfill my commitment.<p>What I wanted was not the man to whom I was married but the man I had originally married. Somewhere along the way something happened to him and he became a different man. I loved the original man but the current one had hurt me deeply and I did not want him. <p>But we were both, by this time, very broken people. I could fix me but I couldn't fix him. Therefore, by myself I could not fix the marriage.<p>What I wanted was a dream - a memory. And, without his cooperation, it was not attainable.<p>I wanted to be loved. And I wanted him to love me. And if he loved me, the pain would go away. Without him, I didn't feel loved and valued. That's what it boiled down to.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Thanks for the replies Cinderella and My Life. Your situation Cinderella sounds alot like mine. I guess I do desire the "old wife" I used to be married to. Maybe that person is gone for good. What I question is whether I would be happy with the "new wife". I am unsure. I know that I would never be able to live with her if she could not truly love me. I know at this time she still has very strong feelings for the OM which really hurts and she tells me she just does not feel the same for me as she used to. I know she never will be able to as long as he is still in the picture.<p>I have truly Plan A`d for a long time. I gues I am in plan B. Is it possible to do both at the same time ?<p>I am debating on asking her to attend a workshop at one of the local churches on deciding if divorce is right for you. It was recommended that both spouses come together. I just don`t know how to approach her with her saying NO. Any ideas ? I just don`t think she knows what the future holds if she goes thru with this because I don`t feel he will stay withher. She is 10 years older than him. I also don`t want to act like I am begging her to come back. It has always been me who has approached her to reconcile, never her. I don`t want her to feel trapped. I guess it is just hard to sit back waiting in Plan B. I want to talk to her but everytime I have ever done this she just waffles and won`t ever comit. I come to the point that I am afraid to ask anymore. I now try to tell myself I should move on and stop waiting for her. At this point it will be up to one of us to make the next step. I wish I knew how to talk to her.