Hi to all out there!!! I am having a hard time dealing with my hubby. He is so needy, I feel like I am drowning!!! I had an affair a year ago with a man that I am having a hard time getting over. I am still in love with him but no longer see him. I have fallen out of love with my hubby for a number of reasons.......but have chosen (for now) to stay in my marriage and see if it can work out. My problem is that I still think of my lover every day, many times. I miss him terribly. However I do not feel that my realationship would work with this man "forever"
Our realationship was about so much lies, secrets and deceit that I am not too sure that him or I would ever be able to fully trust each other. Not only that but I have 2 small children and am afraid of being a single parent and afraid that they would miss there father terribly if we were to be apart. I am so confused! I am in love with the other man but still love my husband, but not "in love" anymore. My husband is a great man but needs to much mothering. I feel as though he is another child most of the time. How on earth do you feel an initimate connection with someone I view as a child. A needy child. Any help out there????<p>[ December 18, 2001: Message edited by: dawn_demarco ]</p>

Dawn,<p>First welcome to Marriage Builders. As you may guess this site and this discussion board are addressed to rebuilding or building better marriages. I will presume that you are in that situation. You want to rebuild your marriage.<p>It would seem that you have no idea what you have done to your H and because you have no idea you haven't been very helpful in him recovering from what you have done. Hence his appearance of neediness.<p>I would strongly recommend two things to you. One is go get a book entitled "Surviving an Affair" by Harley. It is for both the Wayward Spouse (WS) and the betrayed spouse (BS). If you read this book you will come to a much better understanding of why you had the affair and what needs to be done to rebuild the marriage.<p>Second, go to the "Just Found Out" portion of this site and read the many of the articles bookmarked in "Onegoing's" general welcome. Pay specific attention to the concept of Needs and how they are fullfiled.<p>Finally, please read and post here. You will obtain a much clearer view of both sides of the issue of infidelity and marriages in general. Not everyone will agree with you all of the time, but you will see many surprising things. I also suspect that your perspective and insight will be very valuable here.<p>Now to answer some of the questions you didn't ask.<p>Yes, you are normal.<p>Yes, the love you feel for OM will fade especially if you and H will learn how to fulfil each others needs.<p>Yes,the marriage can recover and become better than it was.<p>Yes, your H will be hurt for a long time.<p>Yes, He will forgive you if he hasn't already.<p>No, H--l No! he won't forget or "just get over it."<p>And finally, just letting things ride will not heal your marriage, you or your H. Making a good marriage is not a spectator sport. Get in there and get to work, you have a few things to fix.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I second the advice!

You never mentioned if your H knows about your affair. I would guess by him seeming needy that he does. It has happened to a lot of us here. It comes from needing an incredible amount of comfort for an intense amount of pain because he's had his guts ripped out, and naturally he wants comfort from the person he loves the most in the world, who is the dearest to him, yet THAT person is the one who ripped his heart out and caused the pain he needs comfort from (uh, that would be you). You can't imagine how that feels. It mixes you up. Hence, looking needy. And all you can do is think of the OM. Selfish. Selfish because you can't even see the depth of how your H is hurting, all you can think of is missing what's his butt who must be a piece of work kind of guy who messes around with married women with small children.<p>Think of what you've done to your husband. He's the one who belongs in the picture and deserves the effort.<p>This is too close to home. Don't want to discourage you from getting help or posting, but I'm taking my little judmental fanny outa here.<p>[ December 18, 2001: Message edited by: weirded out ]</p>