<BR>This is a continuance of my previous posting "It's that good ol communication again or still".<P>I need to put my feelings into words. I feel as though I'm obsessing about them now and would very much like to let go of it. Almost two weeks ago, my husband told me he wanted a divorce, called me names, and made me feel totally useless. And then acted as if nothing ever happened. Which is not the first time he's done this. In the past, I've been able to put it behind me. However, in all likelihood, my feelings were just put in storage. This time, even though I want to, I just can't let it go. Why can't I let it go? Number one: I need to talk about it to my husband. But when I tell him that what he said hurt me, he doesn't hear it. He then becomes impatient if I even hesitate for two seconds while I try to put my thoughts together. Our discussion (?) then becomes a stressful situation, and, thus, end of discussion (?).<P>Yes, we've had our problems. We've both contributed our share of love busters. We need so desperately to talk about them. So how am I feeling? How do I put my feelings into words? Why am I having so much trouble with this? O.K., I'll begin here. I feel angry and depressed. I feel like throwing something across the room and then having a good cry. I want my husband to show me love and respect. And I want to show him the same. But how can I if I can't tell him how I feel (to be able to release the feelings). I don't want to become the giver at this point, because I feel it will just reward his behavior. He has to know that his verbal abuse is so very destructive not only to our marriage but also my emotional well-being. And I have to know that he understands this. And I have to know that he will change his behavior. How do I convey this? And if I can't convey this to him, how can we go on with this marriage? Are there any alternatives? Oh, I want so much to let go of what I'm feeling.<BR>

You poor thing. I replied to you before, but obviously it didn't help! I understand your not wanting to 'reward' his behavior by being super nice to him...but it has to start somewhere. It can be the most difficult role in a marriage to be the one to offer the olive branch and try to rebuild the relationship. The rewards will be few at the beginning, but if you persist, I believe you will succeed. Perhaps instead of worrying about rewarding his past behavior, you should concentrate on not encouraging, or allowing, it in the future.<P>You say you have trouble talking to him about things because he gets angry and yells. Someone on here had a good suggestion for dealing with that sort of behavior, although it had more to do with name calling. She said that the answer was to firmly, but calmly state that it is not ok for him to talk to you that way...and then walk away. Don't try to continue the discussion, because at that point, he is not going to hear anything you have to say.<P>My other suggestion would be to write down all the nasty mean things you would love to say to him. Write them on a piece of paper, and hold nothing back. Get all of it out of your system. Then tear the paper into little pieces and burn it or flush it down the toilet. You will feel better for having clarified what you think and feel, but will have avoided an unpleasant and unproductive scene with your husband.<P>There is a right time and a wrong time to talk about love busters. When both of you are angry at each other, or feeling insecure in the relationship is the wrong time. You need to rebuild trust in each other, so that when you do discuss the things that hurt you, neither one of you becomes defensive or angry. And like it or not, one of you has to make the first move.<P>Hang in there, and when it gets overwhelming, and you just have to scream and rant and rave, come and do it here, where we don't mind and will like you anyway

begrjo,<P>Thinking about this from the male perspective, more reasons for your husband's actions come to mind than I can enumerate here - not that I'm justifying any of them. Let me expound on a couple and see if anything hits home.<P>Thinking back to what my soon to be ex-wife must have felt over the years makes me wonder first, how you're communicating with him and second, what is it that your husband desires in marriage and his life. When I think back to all the things my wife said she told me for all those years I'm continually haunted over whether I didn't listen or whether she didn't convey them in words that I could understand. What I mean by this is that women tend to express things in more abstract terms, while men need specifics and concrete examples to understand what you're trying to say. For example, saying that you're lonely or feeling unloved leaves a man wondering what action to take to fullfill that need (and most of the time we guess wrong!). He's already thinking of all the things he does do for you (and therefore doesn't understand why you feel that way), and needs help to know what specifically to do that would change that. <P>By now you're probably saying "but I don't want to have to tell him everything little thing". I heard that a lot as my marriage was dissolving. To that I can only say that "I'm sorry, but I can't read you mind" and that our "love languages" are different and it's not intuitive to me. The book by Dr. Chapman "The Five Languages of Love" describes how each of us receives (and gives) affection. Perhaps he doesn't understand what your "language" is and visa-versa. From this I can speak from experience.<P>The bigger question however, is why he isn't listening and getting angry (or the reason he said he wanted a divorce). From my experience, the roots of anger are derived from frustration. Are the two of you in sync with your goals for home, family, and career, etc? Does he feel a sense of accomplishment from his job? People are like jello and when squeezed in the middle, it pops out elsewhere in their emotions - and frequently in anger with those they are closest to. Perhaps an examination of what is unfulfilled in his life would help identify the true cause of his anger. I'll bet he doesn't even know it himself (I didn't).<P>But in the mean time my suggestion would be to try writing what you want to say. Written communications have more impact because you have unlimited time to choose the proper words to express how you feel, and it's something to refer back to and reread which helps keep your message in the forefront of your husbands' mind.<P>But by all means, it's imperative that you find a way to communicate. Don't suppress what you feel or overly delay communicating it (I know this is easier said than done). If you bury your feelings they won't go away. They will build like a pressure cooker creating resentment until one day it's too late to change. And during that time your self esteem and sense of self worth will erode away as well, as you place your feelings second to his. And lastly, try seeing a councilor together. They can help "translate" what you think you're saying to a "format" that he can understand. But do it now, the longer you wait the more there is to overcome.<P>Take those for what their worth. Those are just the thoughts of someone who's been there and learned too late. May God be with you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayer doesn't change things for you - it changes you for things.<P>

I am and have been feeling for the past few days, that I need to remove myself from this situation. I haven't told my husband about my decision yet. I won't until I know I can support myself. The only thing that is stopping me right now is a job. I work part-time right now. I have requested conversion to full-time. The response to my request was that I could apply in mid-December for full-time conversion in May. Quite disappointing to say the least. I'll plead my case in personnel tomorrow. <P>I have completly given up trying to talk to my husband about us. He will either stop me in my tracks or disagree with everything I am saying (whether or not it warrants agreeing or disagreeing). His words from our last so-called discussion still ring in my ears. I have an ache in the pit of my stomach. His words went too deep this time. And I can't say anything because if I do, he will just bombard me with more of the same. I'm not angry anymore (at least for today). I just know I've got to get away from him. I'm so sad and my self-esteem is so low. I need to get myself back. I'm so glad this board is here.

Any chance your words go too deep for him also? Are you sure you are listen to him when he tries to express his viewpoints? Or does he need to see your viewpoint first? Are you meeting his needs? Or just reminding him of your own needs? Verbal abuse is usually a two way street.<P>See if you can find a "Transactional Analysis" counselor. I found one and she was quite helpful. I was very surprised by my own 50% of the problem.<BR>

Dear nonpulsed,<BR>What is transactional analysis? And how would I find a counselor that practices this? Please define what you mean when you say "verbal abuse is usually a two-way street". Are you saying that we are both verbally abusive or are you saying that one's actions bring out the abuse? Please clarify.