Seasonal affective disorder, in other words the holidays are here and I'm fighting depression.<p>On the not-helping list are these:<p>* The state decided to go from helping me with 95% of my child care costs to paying 0% with no notice. I need to make an extra $600 a month magically appear. My monthly take-home is only a little more than double that, and of course rent/util is another $600 ... how am I supposed to EAT and feed kids, and pay for my car and insurance and gas to drive to work, this is insane.<p>* The X was supposed to have $36K for me within 120 days of our divorce. It has been over 90 days now and I asked if he's gotten financed, and I got the methodical silence of a brain trying to come up with a convincing story, and a stuttering 'still waiting for some companies to call back' ... he either has the money and will wait until day 119, or more likely, has not done anything (fits his history) and won't do anything until it is too late. All the debt is in my name, the creditors are ruthless, and I have NO idea when I'll get the money.<p>
I am going to see if Friend of the Court can get my X's support raised to cover his half of the child care expenses, that will help. IF the X keeps his job through the winter.<p>I can't understand how the state government figures things. When I had nothing, they wouldn't help me get into an apartment because they said I wouldn't be able to afford the payments. Now that I can make the payments, I make WAY too much for them to help me stay on my feet. I'm just aggravated. Did they have to hit me with this just before the holidays? I hate being dependent on help, but to just pull the rug out from under me is too much. I don't understand who they DO help.<p>[ January 07, 2002: Message edited by: Princess Buttercup ]</p>

(((((((((Princess Buttercup)))))))))<p>A great big hug for you. I will be sending prayers your way. That is a lot to take on right before Christmas. I was in a similar situation about 4 mos. ago and so for everything has worked out for the best. Keep your chin up Princess, everything will work out for you too.<p>Hugs, Thoughts and Prayers from So. Cal.<p>Michele<p>"Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left." -- Hubert Humphrey<p>[ December 21, 2001: Message edited by: sballplyr ]</p>

Princess Buttercup,
What rotten stress to pile on top of holidays and winter blues. I don't know your whole story, but I plan to revisit Helga's thread where you listed several links to your history. From your posts that I have read, I can tell your H is a difficult man. I have one too. I've had some success with my H by giving him choices rather than requests. <p>You mentioned having the court reevaluate your H's obligation for support now that your financial standing has changed. That might take some time. Would it be an option to say to H, "I'm in a crisis. Should I have the court reevaluate your support obligation, or would you like to have x% of that $36,000 in my hands by next Thursday?" As for the creditors, put them at the bottom of your list. It's the weekend right now and nothing drastic is going to happen today, tomorrow or the next day. Spend time being grateful for your blessings and put money at the bottom of your things to worry about. Read sballplyer's prayer, print it and put it on your frig. Have faith that everything will be ok. I have the feeling you've triumphed over problems a lot more difficult than dollars. And don't even get me started on what I think about government programs! Please promise that you won't waste one precious brain cell trying to make sense out of that one.

I have written a letter addressed to my X, in hopes that it will help me let go of some of the frustration I'm going through right now. I'd really like to give it to him. I still don't understand how he perceives things so narrow-mindedly, even after all of this time. I guess that's a flaw of mine, expecting the best from people. :/<p>~~~<p>X,<p>I find it very unfortunate that you have such contempt that you cannot listen to what I am saying, and only hear negative.<p>If you look at it rationally, I was offering you the option of paying for 1/2 of the child care costs on your own honor, without involving Friend of the Court, which would be to your benefit if you considered the options.<p>Initially, it looks like it benefits me. I will have to write Friend of the Court with my child care assistance application denial form, and proof of what my costs are for care, and they will change your support payment accordingly. However, if circumstances change and I begin receiving assistance again, you would be the one who would have to ask Friend of the Court to lower your support payment.<p>I have reapplied for assistance with child care, but if I am denied a third time, I will be contacting Friend of the Court to make sure that you are accountable for your portion of the costs. This could have been avoided if you would stop assuming every idea I present would be at your expense.<p>On another matter, I am sure that you are aware that you are legally bound to pay my judgement (the $36K) as soon as you have the money, and cannot sit on it until 119 days have passed. Unfortunately, if you do not have approval after 103 days, I doubt you will get it in the next two weeks. I have the gut feeling you have either been systematically denied, or have procrastinated up to this point. You could not provide a straight answer when I asked you on the phone.<p>Regardless, we need to discuss selling the property if you do not follow through with the payment by January 10. Have you done the maintenance required in the judgement? (He hasn't, I already know this as I saw the property recently.) I will be preparing to list the property on the Internet, and will need copies of the paperwork I gave you with specifications on the improvements. (Obviously, it was a mistake to believe him when he said he only needed my paperwork to finalize on the financing.)<p>Please contact me immediately following the holidays to make arrangements.<p>me<p>[ January 02, 2002: Message edited by: Princess Buttercup ]</p>

I didn't give him the letter Christmas Eve or last night, but I'm really tempted. Don't know what it will accomplish, but I feel like I am just avoiding conflict once again, and nothing is happening because of it. He needs to get motivated, and me sitting back and watching him do nothing just doesn't cut it.<p>Any wording advice before I fire it off?<p>Thanks Michele - I know things will come together, they always do, it's just being patient that I struggle with. ;}<p>LH - he already took my mention of Friend of the Court as a "threat", I cannot win with this man. Any idea from me must benefit him 10x as much as it helps me, or he won't go with it, and he's suspicious of everything. Extreme paranoia. (I am still eating canned vegetables bought 9/99 because of his Y2K predictions.)

Princess Buttercup,
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through and I will send prayers and good thoughts your way that everything will work out for you soon. You were most helpful to me with your responses to my postings and I appreciate it. You deserve the best and hopefully the New Year will bring resolutions to many of the things you're dealing with right now.

Hugs and prayers, Princess... I love the quote that Michele left you by H. Humphrey... take stock, what do you have left? What CAN you do with what you have! LostHusband gave me some good advice regarding that also... what is good in your life or even what was good that you're no longer doing? Maybe you can pick up some of those old habits that you've lost over the years.<p>Hang in there girl!<p>Shalom,
Nicole

Princess Buttercup,<p>I'm so sorry to hear the news. Where I live, I'm a daycare provider and I've seen this happen to other parents. Did you get a raise recently? Sometimes, a raise, even only by a few cents, pushes you right over the edge of those brackets, and if you can ask your boss to compensate you in another way, perhaps an extra week vacation and the old pay rate, (it is cheaper on them anyway), that might help. I probably shouldn't tell you these loopholes, but I know some from being in the business. <p>Another thing is , if you are only a little over in the income brackets, you may have no choice but to consider a lower paying job. Now I know its a mess, because I've seen some of my single moms go thru it, but to work for $1 less an hour, and get 95% of the daycare help back, is a huge help , compared to making that $600 appear somehow. <p>Check out where you live, call the local YMCA's, the local Red Cross and see if they have programs. Even try daycare at the church, some of those may have the financial aid you need.<p>I'm also dealing with the seasonal depression, seeing how exH left on XMas, this time of year, never helps, but I have had some major problems come up with my house, and it doesn't help at this time of year.<p>I hope you find a way to figure it out. Hugs, Dana

My caseworker seems to be understanding, and my employer is helping. Instead of my past 30 days pay stubs, they can use my next 30 days estimated income so my employer sent them a memo that I'd be working fewer hours in the next few weeks (I am, due to holidays) and I'm waiting to see if that does the trick.<p>My X continues to be a baffling individual.

I have an update, and it isn't a good one ...<p>even with a note from my employer stating that my hours will be fewer in coming months, the govt still says I make way too much money to get child care help. <p>Well great. $149 a week I just don't have. It isn't like there is somewhere I can cut back ... I don't have a cell phone, cable, nothing I don't NEED. I am very thrifty as far as spending on groceries and clothes, off brand and thrift shops, etc. from being poor for so long ... I just don't know how to make this work.<p>I am contacting Friend of the Court (faxed them Friday) to see if they will raise my X's support so that he is paying 1/2 of the day care costs, since he refuses to do it on his own.<p>The deadline for him getting me my settlement money is this week and I know he doesn't have it. There is probably nothing I can do about that, short of taking him to court, and I can't afford an attorney. He knows this of course.<p>I'm not letting this get me down TOO much. I am STILL so much better off than I was a year ago!! I keep that in mind. :}

I'm sorry to hear the news, did you get a raise recently that bumped you out of the income brackets?<p>Your ex is required to pay a pro-rated share of daycare, as far as I know, if one spouse makes considerably more than the other, they could be ordered a higher percent, I have a set of daycare parents, where the dad pays 70% and mom pays 30%. Otherwise, at a minimum he should be paying half. <p>The problem I run into is I get caught in the middle, mom can't afford to pay, dad refuses and I get stuck being the "bad guy" but I can't keep a spot for free either. It's a hard situation all the way around.<p>One more thing, as far as I know, you can go back to the date you filed, not the date you appear in court, if he is ordered to pay you, so get those papers filled out quick, and worry about changes after they are filed, just to get the time clock rolling. <p>Good luck!<p>PS I have S.A.D. too.

I settled on a version of "the letter" without so much attitude -- less likely to trigger his nonsensical fury.<p>~~~<p>1/7/01<p>(X),<p>For your information, my third appeal for child care assistance was denied and I will be seeking a child support increase to help with the cost ($149/week).<p>I would appreciate any assistance you can offer in the meanwhile, ie. paying extra towards your past due support balance. This will likely benefit you as the increase should be retroactive to the date my assistance was cancelled.<p>As I’m sure you are aware, January 10 is the 120 day deadline for you to come up with the $36,000 to buy me out of the property and pay off our marital debts. Please let me know if I should expect that payment on Thursday or if we are to follow through with selling the property.<p>(me)<p>~~~<p>Too nice?

Today's letter not as nice ... my temper is starting to show ...<p>~~~<p>(X),<p>Attached please find receipts for two office visit co-pays, one for (D) on 10-2 and one for (S) on 10-18. Please reimburse me 50% of those medical costs per our judgement. I will sign those copies as proof that you paid those expenses, so you have a receipt of your payment to me for your records.<p>The third receipt is a copy for your records as proof that I paid a bill that is my obligation, the past due balance on (S) (hosp) account has been paid in full. Next time I have to take a child in to (hosp), I will have to pay the past due balance on (D) account and I will copy you on that receipt as well.<p>With my increased living costs due to day care, I will be unable to pay off other debts until the property is sold. If you are unable to buy the land, kindly make arrangements to remove your personal property from the land in the next 30 days so it can be properly shown to prospective buyers. I am sure you are aware of the township code violations (not his first time violating them with his junk cars everywhere), and your obligation to properly maintain the property (he has let the place become totally overgrown) as ordered in the judgement.<p>(me)<p>~~~<p>Dana, no recent raise - there was a government payment that I receive once a year that I had forgotten about in my income statement. It only accounts for ~$600 a year but apparently it's just enough. Oh, beans and wieners.

I have always disagreed with the daycare eligibility program because $600, is not a make it or break it dollar amount, if you won the lottery for that much, you wouldn't be much better off than you are now, and the cut off penalizes mothers for working hard, and earning raises, to the point that when she gets bumped out of the system, she'd be better off working for minimum wage and paying $0 daycare (with the program assistance), then struggling to pay the daycare fee , after she pays it, she makes minimum wage again.<p>I realize that the government has limits for reasons, but they are unreasonable. How did they find out, did you tell them, or did they run a check of some sort?<p>One last thought, I believe, in 60 days, (if your system is like ours), you can re-apply as a new case, so with the lower pay stubs (because you said your hours are a little less as your employer wrote the letter, and the $600 payment is behind you...for another year.... then you can get back on the system, correct? <p>Then learn the guidelines, the income limit and watch it closely, so that when your recertification time comes around, you are sure you're not near that cut off. I know this is a round about way to beat the system and I could get flamed, but I am a daycare provider, with lots of people in your position, and I'm a single mom who makes too much for the program now, and my ex won't pay his legally required half, so I know how it is.<p>One last thing, for the future, if you reapply as a new case in 60 days, can you put that $600 into something else, ...say can you put it in a 401K so you don't get the cash... I just wonder if something like that would help the actual cash in pocket way it's viewed.<p>Well good luck, it sounds like you are on the right track. The last thing I can offer is a suggestion, depending on where you take your kids for daycare, generally providers expect the same full payment each week, whether your hours fluctuate or not..because that is how they survive also, a reliable steady income. Well if you might work less at work, even a few hours a week, can you offer to go in to the daycare and work a few hours here and there to lower your cost? I personally, would allow a mom to do this in my daycare so I could have back up once in a while in the house, or even time to work on my paperwork. The discount would be well worth it to me.<p>Good luck,Dana

I plan to reapply in a month. Every month if I have to. I almost never get 40 hours a week in, this week I'll be short again due to appointments, blah blah.<p>I must be balancing right at the maximum income limit. I am tempted to take your suggestion and ask for a lower wage and more paid personal time, since I DO use a lot, with sick kids and such. We shall see what happens over the next month or two. If I'm really lucky, I might be getting into a sort of family rehabilitation program where I will have no rent payments for a year or two, while I rebuild my credit, go back to school, etc. I am waiting to see if I'm accepted for that, or if once again I make just a tiny bit too much to be helped.

I have pretty much decided to go part-time. I will see my kids more AND have child care paid for ... don't see much in the way of drawbacks.<p>Plus I have other stuff going on that this works with ... see the world according to (x) and off topic - working from home for my updates!<p>PB