Well, I guess the holidays are getting me down some. My stbxh walked out on me and my two children 8-24-01 and doesn't seem to have even looked back. I have made it through each day that passes by and I am in amazement that I am so strong. I look back on the day he walked out and the days after that and how bad it was and that I made it through it.....that keeps me going. To me, that was the hardest part of all of this so far. My stbxh has filed for divorce and it should be in January when it is finalized. I am actually looking forward to it so that I can start putting things in my name. I feel like I am moving on but that I am still held up because I am still legally married.<p>Is this a guilt trip? My stbxh told me that he doesn't understand why I am not telling people that we are divorced because we have been separated for so long. He doesn't understand why I am not moving on. I told him that we are still legally married and it will stay that way until the divorce papers are signed. The moving on comment I believe is to make himself feel better because he has already found him someone else. Apparently they were friends when we were still together and now they are an item. Get this, he called me to tell me that they were going to start dating. What was that all about? <p>All I get for an explanation for why he left was that he didn't love me anymore and that we didn't have a marriage and he has felt this way for the past 3 years. He stuck around for the children but he just couldn't do it anymore. You don't just walk out on an 8 year marriage with two children for those reasons. He told me that he tried to the best of his ability to make it work but I can honestly say that I never saw the effort that he claims he gave. He gave up and put nothing into our relationship these past 3 years. Oh, there was some sporadic effort but that doesn't do a damn thing! I admit that on my part there wasn't alot of effort too. But, the last year or so of the marriage I put in 100% to make our marriage work and he put nothing in it and even admitted it. He even said that he could see that I was trying and giving my all but that he just didn't want to anymore. To top it off, a month or so ago I confronted him about an incident in our marriage that was really bothering me. We had been in an argument and he wasn't speaking to me (the usual) so I just went on with my life until he grew up about it. It took about a week for him to even talk to me and one night in bed we talked for a little bit and then we made love. It was really wonderful I thought and it seemed that way with him. After that, we never made love again. A couple months later he walked out. I asked him what that was all about.........he said that he wanted to give one more effort into our marriage and see if there were any feelings for me. He then told me he felt nothing. Well, that stabbed me in the heart. He used me in the worst possible way I can think of. It still makes me sick to think about it. How can someone be so selfish and cruel to do that to another person? I think that hurts right now more than anything else. I have been seeing a counselor and I am looking in at our relationship from the outside and I don't know how I could be so blind. The verbal, mental and emotional abuse is so evident and clear now. How could I have been so blind and how could I have let me children grow up in that environment? There was never any physical abuse but the other abuse is just as damaging. I have found some peace since my stbxh has left and I can see a difference in me and my children. I know that I don't want my stbxh back in my life ever. He is making no steps at all to look into what caused all of this, he does have baggage from his past but not even I know everything.<p>What kills me is that I can still to this day remember that I had some doubts about getting married, just that uneasy feeling. But, I did it anyway. Don't get me wrong, one thing I got out of this was my children whom I love dearly but I can't help but wonder where I would be if I acted on my feelings back then. A part of me knew back then that something wasn't right but I ignored it. I guess that saying is true, "Love is blind".<p>Thanks for listening. I have just been really down these last few days and need some pick me up.<p>Kathy

Kathy - <p>you get up and you stand tall, you be there for your children, and you look forward not backward. That's what you do.<p>I've been there. It doesn't make things easier to hang onto the past, and it doesn't make the WS come back or love you, nothing really helps, except making the best life for yourself and for your kids that you can!<p>Do it for yourself and for your kids - move on.<p>Jan

What SJ said! You are hanging on to a lot of pain and hurt and of course letting it bring you down. You need to look at the positives as you have expressed in your post. Your kids, the effort you put into saving the relationship.... Sorry you did not find this site sooner as you may have found some helpful information. There are a couple of good sites that can give you support on helping to keep a positive attitude. I will see if I can find them and post for you to link too. I also think SJ has a couple of sites that help you find your self-esteem. Right now you are feeling rejection and pain and as SJ said you need to learn to let go. It is a grieving like when a person dies. It will hurt off and on but it will subside. My sympathy's in this Holiday season and I know it is hard. As you know everyone here is going through some marrital trama and are here to listen and to help.<p>God Bless.

AbandonedMom,<p>You are doing everything right. You are still holding the fort down. You have two children that love you more than anything. And hopefully, you are all in great health. <p>We are a lot alike. My W told me the same. We have been married for 9 years. We have two children. She stayed out one night with some co-workers and came home late (d-day). OM (co-worker) was also there, and the rest was history. My point being, is that my W and I were talking about have another child last Feb. We looked a buying another house in March, and in April is when she found OM. After OM was in picture, I was told that she has been unhappy for years. I was a this and that and that she was done with us. This all took place within a month.<p>It's them trying to justify their actions. I gave her the D papers last month. There is only so much someone can take. I can say that I tried everything to make it work for us. She never tried one time.<p>Remember Kathy - Things can only get better!!!!

My god! You and I are living the same life. Except that my was longer! What you wrote I felt like you were telling my story! <p>Keep your chin up as I am doing. I get lonely, but I think in the long run we will be much better off!<p>Take care,
Beth