I need help fast. I am failing my teenage son, and I don't know what to do.<p>My STBXH left us 21 months ago because being a father and husband was just too hard and not enough fun (those are his words). He has not even attempted to contact our 17 year old son in almost a year. My H is not intestested in reconciliation and we are in the process of divorce. We also lost his grandfather suddenly last Christmas - and we were very close to him. It has been a heartbreaking year. <p>Our son was an A student and in the "gifted" program until his Dad abandoned him. But he has failed more classes than he has passed during the past year, and he will be lucky to graduate with his class this spring. I have had conferences with his teachers and the guidance councilors, and I try to encourage him with his school work. It is not that he can not do the work - it is that he gets behind, and then just quits trying to get it done. And then he is surprised when he gets his grades. His thinking is just not rational. I had him tested for drugs, and that is not the problem. Every semester he says he will do better, but then the same thing happens again. I think he is depressed. He sleeps and reads alot. He used to be very social, but seems sad and kind of withdrawn now.<p>Any suggestions for me? I am in the process of getting him a therapist. He loves to read- are there any good books out there that might help him? He appears to have a pretty good relationship with God, but will not participate in any organized youth group right now. Suggesting contact with his father is not an option at this time. I am making him get a part-time job right after the holidays. I just don't know what to do. HELP ME!!!!<p>Lisa

You are doing the right things that I see. You are trying to save your son from future despair any way that you can. He doesn't appreciate it now, but he will in time. KEEP INVOLVED in your son's life and I can't stress that enough. He is going through a tough time right now. However, you have to set boundaries for your son, which you are doing (like making him get a job). When he graduates from high school, you need to establish rules for your household. After graduation, he either goes to school or gets a job---no exceptions.

There is a great new book out there by Dr. Phil McGraw's son Jay McGraw. The book is called Closing the Gap : A Strategy For Bringing Parents And Teens Together. He also has a workbook out there called Life Strategies for Teens. These may help you understand what your son is going through and how the two of you can get through this together. I would type more but my keyboard is messed up.<p>[ December 21, 2001: Message edited by: sballplyr ]</p>

My H left in July. We have 3 children - 2 of which are teenagers. The oldest boy was like yours and had wonderful grades in school. This past semester - he failed - which blew me away. I asked him about it - and he said that everything that has been going on with me and his dad - he just doesnt' care. I just tell him that I care for him and his future, and I need him to understand that it is not his fault that his dad and I split up. It will be a daily struggle I know - but I let him know that he is a good person and not to blame himself. <p>I am glad to hear you are getting a therapist. I have gone that route, and it seems to help. Just hang in there and hopefully things will get better for your son.

my thoughts & prayers go with you<p>been down this road or still am going down it.<p>my sons sounds a lot like yours, <p>time has seem to help a little but he sees his day several times a wk, but has given up religion<p>just be there for him, is all I know what to say<p>divorce is hell for kids no matter their age

Lisa,<p>Here's a thread that may help you in some way.<p>I think you may be trying to control the situation too much because you are so afraid he'll fail. My opinion is you need to do the same thing I did, just tell him you are backing off and will let him solve the problem because you know he is smart enough to know how to fix it. He may be losing his confidence in his abilities to do this on his own.<p>My son was feeling too much pressure and lost his self esteem somewhere along the road.<p>Since I've totally let my son make his own schedule, decide whether he will go by this schedule or not, his depression seems to be much better and he's coming back to his old self. He's laughing a lot more and back to joking with me a lot more.<p>He is still having difficulty with his grades and he may fail this year, but I have hope now that there is light at the end of the tunnel.<p>The bottom line is I let my son know I had confidence in him, if he fails, I have confidence that he will pick himself back up and try again.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=005143<p>Good luck,<p>ANNA

From your description it sounds as if he is seriously depressed, in which case setting boundaries or backing off could be the worse possible thing to do. There are far too teenage suicides, including a 15 year old boy in my son's class last year. If your son was handling gifted high school classes before his father left, it is not a simple matter of lack of maturity or time management skills - there is clearly something seriously wrong. I think the first thing to do would be to have him evaluated for depression.

Thank you everyone for your ideas and encouragement. I do think my son is depressed.

For quite a while, he would not admit that he is having trouble handling all this junk, and did not want to talk to a therapist about all this. He has finally admitted that he can't do this on his own. I have been keeping a close eye on him because like Nellie, I have seen too many kids just decide to give up. I also like Anna's idea about encouraging him to take the initative in solving his problem - to help re-enforce his confidence in his problem solving ability. I had not thought of that. He is a very bright kid, but he doesn't see himself that way right now. But I do think it will also take some therapy to help him break the bad habits that he has developed (i.e. just hopeing that if he ignores things that they will somehow magically work out).<p>We sat down and talked last night. I decided not to ground him from everything he enjoys because I tried that last semester and it has not seemed to help. And the poor guy doesn't have much joy in his life right now. I am afraid that taking more away from him will only increase his depression.<p>But I did lay down the law in what I expect. He has to get a job. He must do household chores on a timely basis (He has been bad about putting these off too - and I have not been consistent enough about holding him to his obligations) And he must turn in EVERY assignment next semester, whether he understands the topic or not - a 25% is better than a 0. I explained to him that it is one thing to get a bad grade if you just do not understand the task, and it is another thing all together to just not bother to turn in your work and get a 0.<p>And I appreciate your prayers. It breaks my heart that my children are having to go through all this. It isn't their fault ( even though my STBXH told my son that it was - Can you believe he would do that to his own kids?) [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thank you again, and God bless you all.
Lisa [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ December 22, 2001: Message edited by: SoSad.59 ]</p>

Lisa,<p>Nellie is right about the counseling.<p>I was on the verge of getting my son counseling. I still am considering it. I am watching the situation very closely.<p>Did you read the attached thread? I think it would help you a whole lot. The more time that goes by the more I realize how much grounding and punishment put too much pressure on my son and he just needed me to say I am backing off totally because I know you can do all this, and if you fail I know you are smart enough to pick yourself back up and succeeed. <p>My eyes have opened a lot to what I was doing by trying to control the situation, but they only opened when I let go of that control. I was so worried he'd fail but in the end by being codependent I just wasn't giving him confidence to know he can do this.<p>My son is very bright and borderline gifted. He has always been slow with getting his homework done, with the encouragement of teachers and counselors, I have always taken privledges away and this NEVER worked, it seemed the more time went on the more privledges I took away. I thought if I got extreme enough he'd finally do better. However, the more I took away, the more he gave up.<p>This year is the first year I saw him giving up totally. The first time I saw a depression. He's always struggled with school, but he's always been happy. The backing off from the homework was my last hope. If that didn't work, as stated, I would have took him to counseling immediately.<p>I think the divorce masked the situation a bit. The counselors and teachers told me it was probably the divorce causing the depression, since he's never had the depression before. Now I think the divorce sent him into depression sooner but it was actually my stbx and I giving him no confidence in himself to make the right decisions that was more the problem. I think everything just finally reached a boiling point.<p>I'm glad I did this, because I saw the turn around in his attitude immediately. He's joking and laughing with me again. He's going outside and playing with others again. Before he was staying inside, his friends would come over and he would tell them he didn't want to play, he was becoming a recluse. He complained he was tired all the time and just lay around the house.<p>It has been so tough backing off, and not knowing whether his homework is done or not done, not knowing whether he'll pass or fail but I know the way we were headed he would have surely failed, at least this way there is hope. I truly think he needed to know I had confidence in his choices, and I no longer regret the decision I made to stay out of his school work life unless he ask.<p>Also, last week he came to me and asked me to help him study for test. I did this. I also made sure I stuck to my agreement, that was a small way of him pulling me back in but it's on his terms of how much he wants me there. I don't think we are over the hump with this yet but I now see us going up hill instead of down, and I think if I stick with my agreement to back off he'll slowly pull me back in to get a happy medium of what he wants and needs, instead of the control I thought I needed over him in order to get him to do things.

Again, good luck with your son.<p>ANNA

SoSad,<p>There is soooo much I want to say to you. Having an older teenage son is very different from a teenage girl. For one thing the boys tend to not talk, the next is that they also are not as focused and can lose the focus so easily.<p>I will tell you that when I was about 17 there were two things I wanted more than anything. I wanted to be away from my father and I wanted to be just like him. Does this make any sense to you?<p>I have a saying I use constantly on myself. "The teenage years are nature's way to convincing you to boot them out of the nest." [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Mine are 21,18, & 14. I definetly wanted to be away from my father to start to be independent. Yet, I measured myself by him, I wanted to be like him in many ways, and yes 40 years later I am like him in many ways. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I think you need to get your son into some counseling. His role model just folded up and blew away. He is lost. The man he very likely was modeling himself after just did the unpardonable, he abandoned him. I cannot imagine what that must feel like. You see as much as my father and I battled when I was 17, I KNEW that when it came to crunch time he would stand by me and fight anything I was facing. Your Son has lost that.<p>So you are right, cut him some slack, but keep the boundaries. Talk with him more about his feelings about his Dad, and get him some counseling. As everyone else has pointed out he is depressed, all of the symptoms are there. <p>I would also like to suggest that you find somethings he can do that help build his self-esteem. Things that might be a bit beyond what is normally expected of a teenage boy of his age. These thing very likely would be things that help you and the rest of the family. You might be surprised how he will react if he realizes YOU need help from him and I don't mean mowing the lawn or taking the trash out.<p>Use your imagination and your knowledge of your S and see if you can come up with somethings, things that require some sacrifice on his part but are important.<p>Must close but you are right to become proactive on this issue.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thanks for the encouragement you guys.<p>Anna, I did read your thread and I think it is very helpful. Maybe I have been trying to control the situation too much. It is hard to just stand back. He is a senior in high school, and the decisions he makes now will really impact the rest of his life. And I struggle, because I don't think he realizes this. And if he does not get into college, I am afraid it will crush him. He also wants very badly to go to a college a couple of hours away that his best friend is also going to attend. He is very excited about living in the dorm, and I like seeing him looking forward to something. But he has left himself no margin for error now - he HAS to pass all his classes next semester. I was concerned that he does not seem to be organized and self motivated enough to go off to school. But I feel good about taking your approach - I will trust him to succeed, and let him know that I think he can do it.<p>Just Learning, I really appreciate a guy's point of view in this. My son did really look up to his father until all this happened. But now he has lost all respect for his Dad. Besides the abandonment, his father put an ad in the internet personals to meet women while we were still together. And to my son, adultry is just flat out wrong. My H finally met someone through the ad and has spent all kinds of time with her children, while ignoring his own. So my son and daughter have really had a double whammy - feeling both abandoned and replaced. I think we do have a good relationship though and he talks to me about things most of the time. But his Dad walking out has hit him hard because he has always seemed to really appreciate his family. I remember when he was little and we would all 4 be riding in the car, and out of the clear blue my son would say "I just love my family". And he often would talk about how much he wanted to be a Dad himself someday and the things he would do with his own kids. He doesn't say that anymore - he just says that life is just one long hard test that you have to pass in order to deserve heaven. I think it hurts more than anything else that I can't give him an intact(sp) family - I think every kid deserves to have that kind of security. I am also trying to get him in with a male therapist. Since his grandfather died last year, he doesn't have any close male role models.<p>I really like your idea of encourageing him to do something a bit "above and beyond" normal teenage stuff like taking out the garbage, that will make him feel valuable to the family. I am going to have to put my thinking cap on to try and come up with something. He is our resident computer expert, but I have not asked his advice about computer things as much as I could. I am also going to take an investing class this spring at the local community college. He has expressed an interest in this topic - maybe I should encourage him to attend with me. What do you think? I really like this idea alot, and I had NEVER thought of this approach. <p>Well, it appears I am writing a novel
[img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
Merry Christmas to all, and God bless!<p>Lisa [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 11:21 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

SoSad,<p>Talk with your Son about the investing class. Perhaps he can take it, I know that he will be very glad he did when he grows up. That coupled with the work of school would be a "man" sized undertaking if you know what I mean. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] It just may keep him busy, focused, and starting to appreciate his self worth.<p>You know it is funny (not in a ha ha sense) talking about his. It was a few months ago when several articles were published pointing out that by any measure the one group that is being failed in our society is boys. By any measure one uses, they are being left behind by society. The focus on society has been on other groups and things.<p>Part of what you are seeing is all to often seen in other boys NOT going through what your son is. Part I really think is that his role model failed him.<p>I commend you for your concern and you proactive approach. I think you will see him come out of it.<p>I must add something else as well. I realize that your plans and even your son's plans of a few months ago, seem like the easiest and most straight forward way for him to tackle life. WHat many people don't appreciate is that we have a reentrant system in the U.S. Your son can go to college at any point in his life. He can change careers at any point in his life. He is likely to have several careers in his life.<p>Many years ago I was in the AF and I had a group of airman working for me. I believe all of them had GED's. To put it mildly they weren't scholars. However, they were working for a bunch of guys who did have degrees and in fact to accomplish their jobs they had to learn a variety of technical tasks. They spent four years in the AF as required. By the end of those 4 years all had decided to go to college and since they had the GI bill they could afford to.<p>Each of those guys just blew the doors off of college. Did the AF raise their IQ's? No, they grew up, matured, became focussed and just absolutely dusted everyone in their classes. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My message to you is to always remember there is more than one path to a successful happy life. You need to remember this so that you can remind your children of this as they deal with the ups and downs of life. Academically, this isn't their only shot at things. So work with your S,but if it doesn't work out, don't give up and don't let him or your D for that matter.<p>From what you said he has the mental horse power, he just needs the focus and maturity. It will come SoSad, it will come. Just like the guys that worked for me.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Something else that may be bothering your son concerning his fathers leaving..is how much and how often has he been told "he's just like his father?" that maybe now he's thinking about that too, if he's 'just like his father' will he also one day walk away from his own wife and kids? <p>May be help him see the good points about his dad..so that maybe it isn't so hard on him..when
he does do the comparision..<p>I take it he's the oldest? So he may also be
looking at his role as having changed in the family now that dad is gone..his reponsibilities
have changed..he's no longer the child..the son..
he's now the 'man' of the house..and this add's more pressure on him..if you tell him he 'has' to go to work, go to school, plus help around the house..he's going to be stressed even more..allow him his senior year for fun..he needs time to regroup..yes, the counseling is a wonderful idea, for all the kids..but, allow him his senior year..<p>he may also be thinking now that dad is gone he won't be able to go to college anyway..because finances have changed in the household, maybe sit down with him, and talk to the school counselors, and ask them for help in finding scholarships, and loans and grants..as soon as you can this year get your taxes done, (apply head of household) and then sit down and fill out the financial aid forms
so that he can see he still has that opportunity
ahead of him..if the college is a few hours away, have him check out scholarships on line the college may offer..have him talk to his teachers about writing letters of recommendations for this college..I'm sure he's looking at ALL of these things..and isn't quite sure where his future is going now..but he needs to know that his future is still there for him..and that even though dad left..it doesn't change that He still has a LIFETIME of living ahead of him..but he needs to know this..and you are going to have to help him
to see it..<p>Does he have a male teacher who could be a mentor?
Or a trusted Christian male friend who could be there for him? A youth minister or someone who could also talk to him? Do you have any brothers
that may be there for him? <p>Hope this helps..

Hi,<p>Came to this thread as a result of Anna's former thread- The comments you have received are all very valuable-- here is my 2 cents-- and you can sort thru what works, or fits-<p>I suspect-- that your son is hurting and questioning WHO he is in light of his father's lack of contact. ( abandonment can be such a painful agonzing hurt- giving up in school, when dad gave up on the family-) <p>It sounds to me from the few things comments you wrote, that he is definitely depressed- I think someone else wrote about boys being more successful at suicide, when they are depressed. I am not suggesting that this is what is going on with your son-- just keep the dialogue open with him.. get some csling for him- or even a mentor that can be a role model for him at this point.<p>Two things to think about-- when kids are young male / female.. they get their SENSE of BEING from their moms--(Dads provide this too-- but it mostly comes from the caretaker the one who they bonded with-- usually MOm)-- <p>As they become teenagers-- the males get their SENSE of SELF from the role model provided by the same sex parent, but WHO they ARE is validated and comes from the OPPOSITE sex parent--- <p>So w/ daughters - this is their dads-- with sons this is their moms!<p>Remember, what was said in the last line... their sense of self is VALIDATED by the opposite sex parent. <p>For instance a girl will learn how to interact with the boys, based on what does or does not happen with Daddy! Their sense of "femaleness" is validated by their DADS.<p>Males sense of "maleness" is modeled by the primary man in their lives-- dad-- but they are VALIDATED by their mothers. Their interaction with their mothers-- has a direct impact on their relationship with other females.<p>So with that said-- along with a mentor or csler,, you may want to be esp cognizant of how YOU validate him in his sense of "maleness". <p>He is close to being an adult-- It may be appropriate to discuss the way his dad's departure left him feeling, and ask him what that was about for him--What fears does he have- what does the his leaving mean about your son, your family?(Boys do tend to keep things inside, but from your comments , when he was younger.. it sounds like he was verbal.)<p>Another area would be to take a long hard look at what you can give to him in terms of responsiblity.. without "parentifying" him-- <p>Instead, creating a situation, where he can be depended upon to fix something, or provide something.. I am NOT talking about "subbing" for your husband's responbilities..... but something that gives /sends the message of his importance/ value to you and the family.<p>It is super important that you monitor the depressive symptoms.. and don't be afraid to talk with him.. to even be proactive in your handling of situations-- in order to protect his safety / welfare...w/o being paranoid-- [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] it is a balance-- but being alert to the increase of symptoms, or the withdrawal. THIS IS CRITICAL.<p>Kids who experience a decline in their grades, or moods, who withdrw, become less talkative, and even those that get angry are often depressed--Kids exhibit depression differently than adults. They need an adult who can step in, and help them deal with the hurt, that has no words--describe.<p>His emotions, and sense of who he is in this family has been turned upset down and are prob somewhat fragile. What he once believed and trusted-- just isn't true anymore-- these things need to be dealt with from a loving, competent caring heart. <p>Alot of people don't realize that once an affair begins, a child is the Other Person who is betrayed.. their sense of family has been destroyed, and their innocence & trust has been robbed-- this puts the kids into this zone where their foundation and much of what they have believed has been demolished. It is about learning how to redefine family--and figuring out a way to come to terms with the abandonment, and acknowledging the grief and pain within.<p>Keep us posted.<p>D<p>[ December 26, 2001: Message edited by: ITherapist ]</p>

Hi everyone,<p>Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and advice.<p>I know this will be an ongoing process. I think I have found a good therapist, and he is male- so I think that will help.<p>Tomorrow he starts the next term at school. He mentioned the other day that instead of new year resolutions - he tended to make new resolutions at the beginning of each term. He has put himself in a hole - he must pass all 4 classes to graduate. And he has to take a 7 am class (yuk!!). This will be a challenge because he is definately not a morning person. I have let him know that I think he is up to the task. He will not be able to play soccer this spring for the high school because of his grades. He acts like that is no big deal, but I know soccer has been very important to him in the past because he excelled in the sport and made him feel good about himself. However, he will now be able to get a part time job and that may help his self image.<p>We have talked about the armed services for a time before college. Right now he is resistent to this idea, because he wants to go to college with his friends, and I can understand this. But first things first. He must get his high school degree. Please pray for him to have the fortitude to get this done. <p>I took my son and daughter to Disney World the week after Christmas, and we just got back. Their granddad died suddenly 12/28/00, and they were very close to him. Without their dad or granddad this holiday season, I thought getting away and doing something fun would help them. We also took one of my son's friends with us so he would have a guy to hang out with. My daughter had a good time and I think my son did also. Since he had a friend with him, they got to go off on their own alot of the time, so hopefully that helped him feel more "adult" and in control.<p>You guys have had some great ideas that I am trying to impliment (SP) when I can, and we are still talking alot. And we keep talking about "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I am trying to remind him that he has not yet burnt any bridges, and that getting through this will be a test of character that he should be proud of.<p>Please continue to pray for us. Their Dad did not contact them at all over the holidays or send a card or present. And he did not acknowledge my daughter's birthday today. I can't imagine how much that must hurt - but I hurt for them.<p>God bless you all and I will keep you in my thoughts as well.
Happy New Year!!!!<p>Lisa [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]