Well my old friends, I am living proof that this old saying may hold some merit. After being divorced now for over a year, my ex-wife and I are actually discussing the possibility of reconciliation and making that elusive attempt of restoring a life together. I’m not expecting this to be easy as we move forward, but I truly believe that if we are able to learn from our pasts and admit where we made mistakes, that anything is possible when two people genuinely love each other.<p>The two of us have talked quite a bit recently and I think we are finally able to communicate with one another in a way that we never did before. If I’ve learned anything as a result of this divorce, I’ve learned that open and honest communication is necessary for any relationship to work. I’ve also learned that although we can never fully understand the “why’s” of our minds, we can work to improve ourselves so that future challenges will be embraced and not ignored. So many issues in marriages are simply symptoms of larger problems and if those problems aren’t addressed, the issues will never go away.<p>I also believe in second chances and although many will say that people never change or that leopard don’t lose their spots, I think people are capable of growing up. For me personally, I have grown more in the past year that I ever thought possible and the funny thing is, I know I’m not done yet. My ex even told me that it was very obvious to her that I’ve changed some things about myself and that I’ve grown since the divorce. I’m also starting to see where she is changing as well. I think she still has a ways to go in her personal development, but she is definitely on the right track. She knows where she made mistakes and she is working very hard to do things the right way this time around. <p>It goes without saying that some professional counseling is already in our plans for the future. I’m also taking this time to reacquaint myself with the basic premise of this website and with the tools available for building a successful marriage. I am definitely going to share the books and the articles with her as we start moving forward. <p>I obviously don’t know what the future will hold for us, but I am thankful for this site and for all of you who have offered me advice and friendship over the past year or so. Even though I haven’t posted in quite some time, you are all in my thoughts and prayers, especially during this time of year.<p>Happy holidays to all and best wishes for a successful 2002!<p>~Jayhawk

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mylife:
<strong>Just curious how your divorce proceeding went. I guess with no kids it probably wasn't very adversarial. And do you think that the way the divorce was handled made it possible for reconciliation in the future.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Mylife: Our divorce proceeding was very quick and very quiet. We pretty much handled all of the details on our own and just needed to have the paperwork submitted by an attorney before being made official by a judge. We remained very civil and amlicable with one another during the entire ordeal and I have no doubt that handling things in the manner in which we did has directly affected our ability to consider reconciliation. We've even admitted to one another that although we were each hurt by this event, neither of us ever said anything which couldn't be taken back or did anything which wouldn't be forgiven by the other.<p>If you still have a good 'friendship' with your WH, my best advice for you would be to treat him as your friend and with the same respect you would expect from him. Even if getting back together does not prove to be an option, maintaining a civil relationship with your WH will be best for each of you and for your children. Do what you feel in your heart.<p>Take care.<p>~JH

Hi Jayhawk,<p>that is fabulous news.<p>I realise you still have so far to travel, but the fact that you both are thinking this way is great.<p>Isn't it amazing how 2 years ago we thought "WE" were ok. We liked what we did, what we said, what we thought etc etc.<p>It's a shame it takes something like this to make us realise that we all can change for the better. Like you said, even if it is just growing up....<p>I know I have tried so hard to be a different person. But the one thing I have realised about change, is that it has to come from the heart. When I have been really trying to work on something about me, I've sat down and honestly thought about it. And asked myself some tough questions. Questions that even I didnt' want to answer sometimes!!!! Even when it was only me there!!!!! I think it was one of those moments when I realised that I wasn't 'perfect', this wans't all his fault, and that a lot of change had to come from inside me. From where I really wanted to be, and the sort of person that I wanted to be.<p>I'm getting there - slowly!!!!<p>My very best wishes to you both. I'll be thinking of you, and praying for you. What a magical Christmas it will be for both of you. A second chance.<p>love and hugs friend<p>Jo

Definately formulate a plan...Best wishes to you two!<p>Bill

Gosh, <p>Just when you were ready to give up... isn't that the way life goes down sometimes?<p>I'm happy for you, but as others have said... tread carefully. You've grown, I hope she's grown so you can both move ahead. Fear NOT fear, but move forward boldly and face the fear.<p>God bless you and Merry Christmas!<p>Nicole

JayHawk,<p>This is great news. I pretty nice way to enter the holiday season isn't it. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>What caused the thaw? Last time I read one of your posts she really hadn't communicated with you in a very long time. Did you two bump into one another again or something else bring you two together again.<p>I do hope that you and exW do spend some time reading here as well as going to counseling. <p>In any events congratulations and I hope the the NEW YEAR brings you much joy.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I don't guess I know your whole story, but did you and she talk the whole time you weren't together? Did anyone of you date anyone else? It has been 27 days since he and I talked and I'm just wondering if that ends all hope for ever reconciling

Val...<p>I think it's like you need to live a split reality:
1) live in reality to what is happened and try to move on and take care of being the BEST You that God created you to be...<p>2) live in HOPE that things will be right in your relationship... at the very least, a peaceful relationship where there is no strife...<p>I've been really thinking of peace and joy this holiday season... in order to live in joy, one needs to practice constant forgiveness and RESIST the temptation to be bitter...<p>Do not define your existence or relationship status by what has or has not happened... as far as I can tell, Jayhawk has moved on with his life... then suddenly the sun breaks thru... now whether it remains a sunny day depends on how things go... <p>God bless you!<p>Nicole<p>ps - I think Jayhawk will have some interesting answers to your question about dating! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey Shawn,<p>What great news! I know this is what you have hoped for, for so long. I can't imagine all of the thoughts that must be going through your head right now.<p>I'm sure that this is always what you thought SHOULD happen between the two of you. That two people committed to each other should be able to work past any differences and be together no matter what.<p>My only advice is to be sure that she has grown and changed, and is as determined as you to make this work.<p>Despite you having been one of the first people with whom I interacted on this forum, I don't have a very good idea of why she left in the first place. But the real issue is how you will deal with the fact that she was the one who left. If you can come to grips with, and learn how to deal effectively with that issue, all of the other hurdles you face will be much easier.<p>A belated Happy Hanukkah to you my friend, and I hope with all my heart that the two of you find your way back together. Because in the end, it takes two....<p>Go 'hawks! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ December 24, 2001: Message edited by: c00ker ]</p>

(((SHAWN)))<p>What an inspirational story.. Please know that y'all will definately be in my prayers.. In my humble opinion right now the biggest thing you need is patience my friend. Sure it's been almost 2 years, but as the path narrows take your time and be sure you take the right turns.<p>A good friend of mine did something the other day that really hurt me. After about 4 days she finally got the nerve to call on Christmas Eve. She started the conversation with "Don't Hang Up". I went over to her house that evening and she gave me a Christmas gift. In a $1.00 frame she had written some words from a book that summed up our friendship. I would love to share that with you but I left it at home. I will try and bring it in tomorrow because I think you would really appreciate it at the point you're at.<p>All my love, brother.

Jayhawk 93-<p>Great news...as has ben said...never say never and I'm so glad that you both at least are open to finding your way back...Hooray for you!<p>Best wishes for success and progress as you both try to find your way back. You seem to both have grown very very much.<p>MR R<p>p.s. - What do you think Nebraska and Colorado will do in the bowl appearances? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

It’s great to hear from all of you and I really do appreciate the continued support and advice…<p>Jo: Life is a journey and what we make of it is up to us. There are a few old sayings I like to refer to when I’m looking at the direction my life is headed:<p>1. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over, while expecting a different result.
2. For things to change, then I must change.<p>I think it’s great that you have been working on yourself and asking yourself those really difficult questions. It’s answering the hard ones that will help you the most in the long run. If you truly know yourself, you will be able to handle anything in life that is thrown at you. I think you are doing the right things.<p>Bill: How’s it going, buddy? I’m starting to work on that plan and I still believe that all things happen for a reason. Knowing now what I know about relationships and our own personal needs, I think this next relationship will be able to flourish. I also think the ability to forgive and move forward with one’s life is essential to true happiness.<p>Nicole: A part of me is afraid of getting hurt again, but there are never any guarantees in any relationship. I do agree that facing those fears head on is the best way to overcome them. And from what I have seen, my ex has grown some, but she still has a ways to go. The encouraging thing is that she sees this too and is willing to do what it takes to get there. Being willing to improve is 90% of the battle.<p>JL: My ex and I never really lost touch with each other after the divorce, but we did drift over time. I hadn’t seen her for a number of months and aside from a few emails, there was any contact between us. Then she went through a somewhat traumatic event, which really seemed to cause the “thaw” within her. I think it was combination of the holiday season and this event, which made her finally admit to herself (and to me) that she made a big mistake by walking away from our marriage. I was afraid that she was just turning to me for that comfort and security she once felt, but since we started talking more, I don’t see that as being the case this time. Sometimes it just takes something to click before we are able to realize what we’ve lost.<p>Val: Most of my story is out here in old posts dating back to July of 2000 if you want to search through the archives, but in answer to your question about dating, both of us starting dating other people AFTER the divorce was final. For me personally, I took my wedding vows seriously and didn’t want the experience of infidelity coming back to haunt me if we ever decided to get back together. I dated a little, got myself involved in a fling, then in a serious relationship for a number of months before realizing that I really needed time on my own to clear my head and to get reacquainted with myself. My ex ended up living with a guy she was dating, but it wasn’t the right relationship for her. We’ve discussed these relationships to a certain degree, but I don’t really view the dating of other people to be an obstacle in our ability to move forward since these occurrences were after the divorce.<p>Nick: Like you, I still have my questions as to why she left in the first place. Although we have discussed it some detail, it still can’t be easily explained. The reasons and thought processes behind those decisions will definitely come into play once we start counseling. I’m just hoping we can learn from where we’ve been so that we don’t repeat the same mistakes in the future. (BTW, the Hawks are looking pretty good, aren’t they?!)<p>Bill: My fellow KS friend….Please do share the words from your friend. I’m sorry that you were hurt by her, but sometimes, it’s the ones we really care about that hurt us the most. I know this to be VERY true. I looked back in the poem archives the other day and read your poem from earlier in the year. It still brought a tear to my eye…even now!<p>MR R: Thanks for the encouragement! I agree that we have both grown, but I also realize that we still have a ways to go. The best part is that we are both adult enough to admit where we made mistakes and are able to offer forgiveness to each other. That too, is part of the growth process. As for Nebraska and Colorado, I have a feeling both teams will be victorious in their respective games. I still don’t think Nebraska really deserves a shot at the national title, but I’m glad that the money will be going to the Big 12! It should be an interesting bowl season.

Hi Jayhawk,<p>I don't come to the D/D board too often, since I am remarried, but I'm glad I did today. <p>I don't know if you're still around, but I'd like to add my well-wishes for a fabulous 2002 with a healthy, strong, and loving relationship with your ex (possibly stb-again) W.<p>Take care, and continued blessings...

Shawn,<p>I haven&#8217;t picked up my poetry book for a long time. As you know there was a lot of pain during that period. Let me give you a little back ground on this friend of mine. First off, we do not have a physical relationship at all. She is 24 and is someone that I really feel that I&#8217;ve been able to help. Since we&#8217;ve became friends I&#8217;d like to think that I&#8217;ve helped her stop doing drugs, stop drinking, going to church, and most importantly I&#8217;ve helped her become a mother to her child. She had a really bad childhood and has made a lot of poor decisions on the way. But the saddest thing is that she has never had a male friend who didn&#8217;t use her or vice versa for sex. So in reality she&#8217;s never had a male friend and has never come to realize how rewarding a friendship can be.<p>So anyway, as I stated earlier, she said something to someone else the other day that really hurt me. She knew it and below are the words she found in a book as her apology:<p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;We occasionally take the risk of sharing our human side &#8211; the side with fears, sadness, hurt, rage, unreasonable anger, weariness, or lack of faith: Letting our humanity show. <p>We give others permission to be human too. &#8220;Together&#8221; we have our not-so-together moments.<p>Sometimes, the falling apart is how we help one another get put back together. &#8220;&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Just thought I&#8217;d share that with you because in your situation I&#8217;m quite sure that you can appreciate those words.<p>Best of luck to you.

(((((((Jayhawk))))))<p>You have grown so much since you first came. I agree, people can change and grow. Now my case, I don't see a reconciliation ever happening, but I really hope it all works out for you both. Wishing you the best of luck in the New Year,
Dana

Shawn,<p>I don't check in too often now, but saw your post and thought I'd chime in. My recommendation is to try to not let yourself be either too guarded and cynical or too enthusiastic. The key is whether you are both able to implement the MB principles now, especially POJA. I think that POJA tends to be the acid test.<p>I think that it's important to not be led by emotions, but to instead realize that emotions follow if we do the right things. You know a lot about how relationships work now, time will tell if you can both make a new relationship work.<p>I'll be hoping for the best for you both.<p>Steve