Hello.<p>It has been 6 months since my ex left me. I still miss her dearly. I have been in a new relationship for nearly 3 months now. In the new relationship we are reaching the "post honeymoon" phase and compromises are being sought by both of us. I feel like if I am to compromise (and I am willing to) that I owe it to my ex and not the new girl. In other words my ex is the deserving party. I just saw my ex a couple days ago and burst into tears because I miss her so much. We both parted saying "I love you" even though her and I both have new relationships. I think it is possible that the door maybe be slightly open with my ex, but am not sure what to do. I also don't want to hurt the new girl. Part of me is now thinking I should even be single. I am scared and definitely need to be careful what I wish for. Last time it cost me my fiancee. I ahve really grown to understand the elements of a relationshiop and compromise and I know my ex see's that. She claims we're not getting back together, but I dunno. Sometimes she gives me some signals (I think). You can read my full story at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=001014.<p>What I'd love more than anything is to show my ex that I am prepared to be with her forever. I know if given the chance we'd be awesome again and better than before and make it. I believe she has a fear of giving it a shot.<p>Any advice. THANKS!!

Jack,<p>IMVHO, you should not be getting involved with anyone until you have spent a good amount of time (months or maybe years) doing self examination of what went wrong in your marriage, as well as simply getting to know yourself as a single person.<p>Without doing so, all that emotional baggage you have from your marriage will surface in your subsequent relationships. I can't tell you how many people have told me they wished they wouldn't have got involved/married again as soon as they did. They wished they'd spent more time getting to know themselves and healing.<p>What I find so interesting is Dr. Harley strongly recommends this, yet what I see here on Marriage Builders is somewhat the opposite. It's very surprising.<p>I have been D for 6+ months and I know I have nothing to offer anyone, I'm emotionally bankrupt.<p>Good luck to you.<p>Jo<p>[ December 27, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

The best way you can show your wife you are committed to her alone is to dump the new girl.

WOuls she possibly think. Well you had to go out and see that I was better? How come you couldn't see that in the first place? I mean when she broke up with me she encouraged me to date (not necessarily get serious) but to date. I miss my ex-fiancee a ton though.<p>Thanks,
Jack<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Nina too:
<strong>The best way you can show your wife you are committed to her alone is to dump the new girl.</strong><hr></blockquote>

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

It has been 6 months since my ex broke up with me. We both have new relationships (although I told my new last night that I still love my ex and that I am compelled to try and reach her again- my attempt to alleviate the loss may not be possible I am finding out) I saw my ex 3 days before Xmas and she proactively said "you know I love you J". I also gave her and our stuffed animals (kids) a Xmas card. I also shed a lot of tears in front of her and also told her that even if she was to lose her looks and or health that it would not change how beautiful she was inside (she had a MAJOR car accident awhile back that I helped her through begininng to end). I also called her on Xmas to wish her a Merry Xmas. She called me as soon as she got back in to town. I called her the night I broke up with my new raltionship (yesterday) and requested to talk to her over lunch (she called me right back first thing this morning). I am feeling thqat the door is slightly open (otherwise I don't understand her motivation in being so nice and taking my calls and seeing me- I mean if it's over what would she have to gain?) This may be my LAST CHANCE and I need to get it right for once!<p>Jack<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Nina too:
<strong>The best way you can show your wife you are committed to her alone is to dump the new girl.</strong><hr></blockquote>

Jack<p>Go for it! And Gooooood Luck! Be prepared to work at this for quite a while, but if you truly love your X, it'll all work out just fine. Sounds like she is open! <p>TNT

We have volleyball among many othe things in common. What if I ask her if she wants to play volleyball and she brings her current boyfriend??<p>Do you really think the door is open. I do only because I can't imagin why when I call, see her, cry or whatever that she wouldn't say.."move on..or hey I have a boyfriend...or hey not appropriate we're just friends now..) Instead she is sympathetic. She hates to hurt my feelings but she can also be very direct when she needs to be..

Here's a timeline since our break up on July 4th. Here are some recent things she's told me.<p>14 weeks ago - I promised myself I'd never hurt this much again (promise to herself)
13 weeks ago - Maybe we can date every once in awhile
12 weeks ago - maybe you can move back in with me sooner than later
10 weeks ago - If I gave you another shot what would you say (when I was starting to date Kristal)
8 weeks ago - I'm not interested in a relationship with you or anyone
7 weeks ago - My barriers are breaking down and I'm beoming okay again (new boyfriend)
6 weeks ago - We're totally done. I'd go out on a double date w/ Kristal and be her friend.
4 weeks ago - she called me annoyed with the new boyfriend. Would NOT let me off the phone and commented "you're the only one who ever really 'got' me"
2 weeks ago - I stopped by her office and dropped off cards for her and our stuffed animals(kids) and I cried. She said she loved me and I hugged her.
1 week ago - Returned my Merry Xmas call and wished me the same.
Today - Returned my "urgent" call and has agreed to meet me for lunch on Friday..<p>I think she's being confusing and is scared, but is the door open??<p>Tough love and real advice and opinions sought,

I assume that the girlfriend is now out of the picture. That is the first step.<p>The next step is to work on yourself. No one wants a relationship with a really needy person. Use this time apart from your wife to work on yourself. For your own sake.<p>Read a lot here and find out about Plan A and other parts of the Harley's site. Then work really hard on yourself and implement the best Plan A you can.<p>(And give up dating! You are in no emotional shape for that. Plus, it is certainly going to negatively impact your wife's opinion of you.)

I just talked w/ my ex this morning she called me to see if we could do breakfast instead of lunch.<p>I asked if she'd be interested in trying to join some v-ball leagues (we have that in common - I taught her). She was happy and said yep!<p>She then asked if new girl would care and I told her that new girl and I were done. She then asked if new girl was moving out and I said yes as soon as she feels better (tonsil operation). She asked why I dumped the new girl and I told
her because the new girl wasn't her.<p>We have breakfast tomorrow morning...<p>Is this door open???

No one will argue that having your ex is painful and confusing. It is normal to want to validate yourself after your spouse leaves...to have someone take the sting of rejection away and make us feel desirable and attractive again. It is normal, but it isn't right.<p>It is obvious from your post that you are no where near ready to be in a relationship. It isn't fair to spread the pain around and that is what you are doing to this new girl you are with. Is that fair? Is is right to hurt her while you are silently wishing you were with your wife? Post honeymoon stage after three months? Break it off and get your life together. Three months after your wife walks out is no where near enough time to no what you want or even to figure who you are.<p>Give yourself time to heal and see if there is hope for you and your wife. Don't drag someone else down with you; it is terribly unfair and selfish.

Understood. I was never trying to hurt anyone and wallah... I begged for the new girls forgiveness and understanding and she obliged (her heart is broken bad however). I did communicate this all along about my ex so it was not a significant surprise. I do feel sick espcially since I do care for the new girl. But I would move into a box in a third world country for the ex if that's waht it took.

Hello ALL.<p>Thanks a bunch for your input. So here's what happened after breakfast with the Ex this morning. It started off fine until I started to talk about the past and us. She became very defensive. Anyway, I really wanted to give her abck the engagement ring I had taken back from her. Relunctantly she took it and then said I'll turn it into a pendant to wear to always remind me of you. We both then started crying. Anyway, a bit before that she told me about how she is in love with her new boyfriend of 3 months and how he really loves her. She claims I was at the highest pedestal of love EVER and that the new guy is not comparable just different. We are going to play volleyball together tomorrow and join a league at the end of January. She claims we won't be together again. Now I'm going to be as patient as I can in giving space and letting the BS Honeymoon Period of her new 3 month relationship wear off and see how it really turns out. She says they have hinted at marriage. So I find myself trying to get healthy and justify some things. In our relationship it was tough. In the beginning she told me after a couple weeks that she was divorced. In fact, she was only separated and still slept under the same roof as the ex. I followed her through the whold 8 months of divorce. I was young so being with someone divorced was tough enough. Seeing letters come in with her married last name was nearly unbearable, but I did it for her. Shortly thereafter her Grandma died who was like her mom and I agreed to fly back East with her and go to a funeral. Both of which I hate, but I did it for her. She was then in a trajic car accident. I stayed at the hospital everyday, in fact I didn't even call work for 2 weeks. I did not ever leave her side and basically became her primary doctor. Later I would quit my home-based position because I felt guilty and started a company from home to ensure I could stay with her. I was her nursemaid (noone could have done this better)for nearly 8 straight months. I did this for her. I guess what I'm starting to think is that after nearly 4 years together and being engaged for 2 years, plus everything above (and yes I was not good in the last year - I had doomed our relationship and was waiting for her to break up with me) I kind of feel like the one time I needed her for something major she wasn't there. I just think if you add up our time together and everything we shared and I did for her that when I DESPERATELY tried to get her back she should have given me a chance. I love her, but am starting to feel shred like I loved her more than she loved me. There was a time I really believe, atleast I hope, where she loved me as much. Not sure where I go to from here, but this new feeling might be a healthy thing????<p>Any comments appreciated. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jack

Hi Jack,<p>Thank you for keeping us updated. <p>I just have a suggestion - to try posting on the General Questions Infidelity Board to get help with plan A, and to learn how not to lovebust.<p>I think this marriage is still fixable - first thing, I think, is for you to learn about plan A. When you are with your wife, don't start talking about the past or her new boyfriend - just try to get some new connections happening with her. She'll let you know if she wants to go back there. You can't change the past.<p>Be her best friend right now - that is the way back into her heart. <p>TNT