OK, here goes..My wife and I are seperated and she says she's in love with OM. Today she had an anxiety attact when she came over to see me because I had upset her. I know alot of the problems that we have had were my fault and I suppressed her true self. But, I now know that and she knows that and that she wants herself back. I understand that. But I still think that because we both know where we went wrong, we could have a very happy marriage. But the OM is still in the picture. He's mr. perfect with her right now, but she says they do have issues and they are working on them. But, she is using the fact that she is becoming what she was when WE got married. The part of her that I suppressed to work through her problems with him. He was my BF, but now, he's not and I know him much better than she does and know what kind of person he is and what he's all about and I know that that's NOT what she wants. She knows that I want her to come back and try with me, but she says that she just doesn't have it in her to try with me anymore, even after really believing me that I understand what I have done to her. I have told her that I understand and I think that she really believes me. So why doesn't she want to try any more? Why doesn't she want to come back? Is it because she thinks she loves him? Is it because she doesn't care about me anymore? When I metioned to her that "she left me", she said "but, you left me along time ago". I know that now and know how to "fix" where we went wrong. And so does she, but she doesn't want to anymore. Is there any hope that we will ever be able to be together again? How long will it take for him to mess up so she will see that she doesn't love him and does want to be with me? I love her very much and all I want is for her to be happy. Is there anyone out there that understands this situation? Today, she gave me a real caring hug for the first time in weeks. It was a REAL hug. She patted and rubbed my back even. It didn't feel like just a friendly hug to me. So I feel that she does still care for me and she may still want to be with me, but she's scared of me going back to the way things were. Am I right here or is it just wishful thinking. What should I do to show her that I can be the person she originally married and not the insensitive jerk I've been for so long. I'm already helping her everything I can to make sure she's taken care of. I feel like I'm doing too much sometimes, but I feel as if she deserves that from me, because of the hurt I've caused. Right now, there's no way that I'm going to convince her to get away from him and work on us. He's making her too happy right now, he gives her everything that she wants and is "mr perfect" to her. Just a couple months ago, she was truly in love with me. How in a couple months can you fall out of love with someone and then truly in love with someone else. I just don't see it. I see infatuation, not love. He's depositing Love Bank deposits and I'm neither depositing nor withdrawing. She's not giving me the chance to deposit. How can I get that chance? What's going to have to happen for him to start withdrawing and me to be depositing? Again, I'm lost and don't know what to do. What should I do? Someone PLEASE give me some suggestions. I need help. I love her with all my heart and still want to be with her forever and am willing to do anything for her to get her back. help, Please!

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

I have read most of the info on this site and it has been very helpful. I am trying to meet her ENs but she hasn't been very responsive. The bad part is that, I was the one that brought up the fact that she might have fallen in love with OM. Who was my best friend. See I went overseas with the ANG and I was gone for two months. While I was gone she went through seperation anxiety first and I didn't help things any by asking her all the time if all was well, pressuring her so to speak, when I realized this, I backed off. Then she started seeing a shrink and found out that she had alot of problems (even before we were married) and the shrink has helped her figure out what she wants, but she hasn't seen the shrink since I've been back and will be going in Jan. While I was gone, she told me she wanted a divorce and I couldn't sit and talk to her for very long, but I did email her alot about us. We talked some, but she was SO intent on doing this that nothing else mattered. Back to my original comment about me bringing it up. BIG MISTAKE. She had already asked me for a D before I even said anything about him. I do believe her that when she said that she wasn't having an affair with her because of the way she reacted when I brought it up. It stunned her, seemed like she was just awoken about being in love with someone else. Well, then she went and talked to him about it and he said to her that he would be there for her no matter what, friends or lovers. They then, (while I was gone) started spending MORE time together and then it started. She said she thinks that she had fallen in love with him a long time ago and out of love with me during the process. Weird! She was really in love with me before I left. We had even talked about how I was feeling just a couple months before hand and we were starting to become closer. Then I left and it all started. Someone on this site told me that she's in a "fog" right now. I think this is true, but what should I do? I'm trying plan A, and it seems to be working as far as being civil with each other, but no closer. She's told me that she's trying to distance herself from me. What does that mean? She's trying to put me out of her mind? Well, I've been trying to deposit love units in the love bank and I think I did today. I gave her diamond earings and a gold nugget ring (been asking for a long time) and gave her a small note with each gift. I had a watch that was very special to her repaired. I had given it to her years ago. I thought that meant more than just buying a new one. I also wrote her a very touching poem. Just for a minute, I thought I saw her holding back some feelings of love, but wasn't sure. She didn't get me anything and felt really bad about it. I told her it was OK and that I was happy to do that for her. And it really was OK with me. She is living with the OM and neither of them have any money, they're broke. They also live in a very small camper trailer, that she constantly complains to me about. I just listen. I want to laugh at her for putting herself in that situation, but I love her and care about her well being. She's leaving a very nice, and financially stable home for someone who makes much less than me and things change everyday with them. Plans I mean. She tells me she's happy with him, but everytime I see her with him or near him, I sense different. Today, her spirits were lifted tremendously, being around me and my family and the kids for christmas. Then later I took the kids to her to stay the night and she seemed sad or bothered about something, I asked if everything was alright and she said she just wasn't feeling good. She's been sick now for about three weeks. I'm really worried about her, but can't offer too much help because it would be easier on her and that would make it easier for her and him if I did. Am I doing the right thing? How long does this 'fog' last? I think if the fog lifted she just might come back and then we could begin working on each other again now that we both know so much more about both our ENs. What should I do?

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

My Life...Thanks. It is hard, but I'm trying my best. I keep trying to think of things to do for her to make her feel good. I keep trying to remember the good things in our marriage, but all we did was together. Should I get her gifts on a unpredictable pattern, should I ask her over for dinner on occasion. I worry that when she comes over that she will bring the OM. This makes me unconfortable with him around. He was my BF and she wants me to still be friends or at least sociable with him. But I don't want to even talk to him, much less have him in my house. He acts as if everything is just fine. Like I like the fact that he's with my wife. I try to follow the be happy, act happy, agree with her, and 100% her way instantly and happily, but when it comes to him, I have a real problem with that. I want him to stay away from me. But, when she comes around, sometimes she brings him, like it's no big deal. Is this a test to see how I will react or what. I will continue with my plan A and see what happens. It's been going on for a couple weeks, but everytime I make a few steps forward, it seems as if I take three times that many back. It's REAL hard. Especially since it's my fault that she even thought of him as being a lover.

Jasn,<p>I had a long post for you and just lost it. I will be much more brief this time. First, stick with a straight Plan A. That is work on your deficiencies and continue to avoid LB's. Second, a straight Plan A doesn't mean you don't have boundaries.<p>It means you express them without Lb'ing. So next time you speak with W,tell her that it bothers your greatly to have OM in the house or to be around him. Suggest that she leave him in the car or not bring him the next time you see one another.<p>Second, buying her more gifts sounds like a mistake to me. She has chosen a life with no or little money. She hasn't bought you a gift. While your Christmas gifts sound thoughtful and full of love, any others will seem like you are "buying" her. She won't like that is my guess.<p>Next, start planing to go to Plan B. You should go to "B" before you start to lose love for your W. Why? Because if plan B works you will need to have a lot of love for her in order to rebuild the marriage. So don't make the mistake that many do here. The go too long in Plan A and run out of gas. Further, do a very good Plan A and then go to "B" is the idea here. It is not for a specified time that you stay in Plan A.<p>Is all of this clear? I hope so. You mentioned children. Who is taking care of them? Your W's situation doesn't sound like a very good environment for them. Seek legal guidance on this issue and others. It doesn't hurt to have as much knowledge as you can get.<p>Hang in there.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I'm keeping the kids. We haven't done anything but seperate, but she sees it as she can do whatever she wants because we are seperated. That means she can see OM or do whatever she wants with him without feeling like she's tied to me. So to her, we are already divorced. I'll keep up plan A, but I don't know about asking her to not bring him around. Last time I told her that I didn't like seeing them together, she just told me that I would just have to get used to it, because we are over and she's started a new life with OM. So, to avoid LBing I must basically keep my mouth shut in order to maintain peace. Things get really ugly and nasty real quick if I say something that she doesn't like. Like the other day, she asked if she could come pick up our son to take over to her house and I said that was fine, but then she asked if I could take him to her. We live about 25 minutes apart. I said no that I couldn't, I had plans to do some things here. She immediately got fired up and drove straight over here and brought the divorce papers to show me that it was uncontested, and that the custody was joint and open. So that meant that I should bring him over there too. I diffused the situation by agreeing with her and telling her that I was wrong not to take time out to take our son to her and we talked about a few things from that point and before she left we were OK with each other again. At least when I asked if we were OK, she said yes. Papers have not been filed yet, but she's has them in hand to remind me of the uncontested part. She has much anger for me that she's suppressing, but she sees a difference in the way I act and she is trying to stay calm and talk things out. All this happened Christmas eve. Since then, we haven't talked about 'us' and I have been happy and smiling when she is around, but she still seems to be unhappy. Again, this is still puzzling to me. She was with me on Christmas and seemed happy to be around me and was even joking around with me. But the OM wasn't around either. Maybe she's trying to show him that she's upset with me? Maybe she's trying to show me that in all actuallity she's not happy. But pride won't let her talk to me about it. I guess, I just have to be patient and let her be happy around me when she gets ready. And wait on her to come to me when she feels she needs to talk. I told her that I would be here for her to talk to about anything without being judgemental and criticizing, even about the OM and what's going on with them. She tells me bits and pieces, I can't make out whether that's a cry for help or just reassurance to me that she's trying really hard with her new relationship. But why does she seem unhappy when she's around him, and when she's not around him, she seems happy. Weird?! Well I just have to wait and see. It does help to vent here.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Well, we are working together on driving the kids back forth, just that day, she got upset because I had said you wanted this, and you're the one who moved in with him...Major LB I know, but I just couldn't help myself. After things calmed we talked about it all and she has been OK with it. I still have a problem with being around OM and when she's around him, I don't want to talk to her, because of the way she is with me. Even her friends don't want to talk to her when OM is around. But, do I ask her not to talk to me when he's around, do I ask her to not bring him with her when she comes over here? I think this might be a LB if I do. She wants me to be sociable with him and I have a really hard time with that, especially since he was my BF and betrayed me. I was betrayed twice and it's very angering. You'd think that he wouldn't want us to be around each other and that he would feel bad about what he did, but he acts as if everything is just fine. I just wish he'd LB on her so she will come out of the fog. I dream of the day that she comes to me to talk about her problems with him or problems she has with anything, so I can show her that I can be what I used to be. Everyday, I have a really hard time. And I just feel like I want to say to her...stay away. We'll see each other only when the kids are involved. But I think that she will take that as a MAJOR LB too. AAAAAHHHHHHH...So frustrating! I want to show her that I am doing better, but if I go to plan B now she will think that I'm not. confusing. When the holidays are over, we will be going to the every other weekend visit with her. I will keep the kids and she will be looking for a job. So I will not be seeing her almost everyday as it has been. Will this be a good thing or a bad? I really don't know. I think that I need to be around her to show her that I am doing better. Is there anything I can to to help the fog. Anybody got some wipers? So sad right now.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Hi,<p>I suggest reading all you can... and post all you can. Here is another website that moves like this one www.divorcebusting.com I also heard that there's a book out by Dobson on tough love when something like this happens. I'm not elling you which ideas to use or anything, but you'll be able to see which one works for you.<p>I'm sorry that you're here/in this situation... know that on this BB and the others there are unfortunately many in you're situation. <p>Keep your chin up and educate yourself on this matter, as best as you can. I know its hard now to even think on what pair of jeans to put on.
But try and do somethings for yourself. Like when you think you might LB ... go take a walk...run, something physical... just a few thoughts.<p>Take Care.... and know that we're hear for you..<p>s

Thanks for all your comments. I was feeling pretty sad this morning. Mornings and late at night are my worst times. Especially, since I've been off since Christmas. This time was supposed to have been spent together, but now it's not. Well, after I got over this morning, my WS picked up the kids to take them skating, she invited me. Well, OM was going to be there and I kinda hesitated when she invited. First it was a 'come if you want to kinda thing'. I felt like I would be invading on her space and time with the kids. So I asked her in a very sincere and calm voice..."Do you want me to come, be honest, do you want me there with you during your time with them?" She said entusiastically, "yeah, come on let's go" Well, I had somethings to do before I left but then went about an hour after she left. That gave me about two hours there at the rink. Well, I asked my WS if I could skate the rink would allow adults on the floor, she said yeah. Then the OM (exBF) said he would get me a ticket and I could skate. Well, I told my WS that I would pay for it myself and get them myself...In a nice way. She didn't like that. She gritted her teeth and meanly looked at me. I acted as if it was no big deal. Well, then she got upset that I would not accept anything from him. I told her that I didn't want anything from him because I still have anger and resentment towards him. I did the best I could to be happy and have a good time, and I think she noticed that. Although, I kept my eye on them the whole time. She told me she would not be affectionate with him when I'm around. I made sure of that. Well, later our son decided he wanted to lay on the floor and look at the disco ball on the ceiling and I immediately went after him, because he could get run over. She came running, like I wasn't paying attention and started to jump on me,but I was calm and explained that I was already on it, then she made some kind of comment like this is my time and I didn't want him to get hurt...I almost walked out then. I said to her that I didn't want to invade her time with the kids and I'll leave if she didn't want me there. She thought I was being an *** about it, but I wasn't...Then she apologized and said that she didn't mean to say that, it just came out. She did want me there and was glad I came. So in a few minutes I walked out to take a break, told her I was going outside to have a smoke...Well, of course she thought that I was going to give her her time. Part of it was and part of it wasn't. Mostly wasn't. She came out and apologized again for what she had said. I told her it was no big deal and it was OK, I wasn't hurt by it or anything. It just came out and that's OK. I was still keeping up the happy attitude, so she wouldn't think I was being an *** again. I thanked her for inviting me and told her I had a good time. She seemed like she saw the real me when she left. So that was about it. I think I handled things pretty well. How about ya'll....Pat Pat Pat-on the back. I working on it and keeping up with plan A. The hardest part is being patient. That's something I've never had too much of, but am learning how. Did I do a good job? Let me know what you think. -trying to be patient-