Dear Dr.Harley<P>I am 11 years old my parents recently separated. I am very confused with what to do. I feel very sad, mostly about the fact that we're not a family anymore. I don't really now how to control my sadness\anger, without taking it out on my friends or family. I would like to know if there is anything that I can do that would make me less crazy. Part of my problem is that I do not know how to deal with this. It's very hard for me to consentrate on anything, I am thinking about this constently. Is there something that I can do? Sometimes I cry myself to sleep when I think about it,because I don't know how to handle it. Alot of people say I should try to say as much as I can, so my feelings don't get bottled up. Sometimes I don't know how I feel and one day it just hits me and I burst into tears, I think peole must think something because it happens at the most weird moments and they don't know why. I would like to know is it right for me to talk about it to other people or should I keep it to myself and put my feelings out on paper? <P>K.F. <BR>

Steve,<P>I'm not a Dr., but sounds to me that what your going through is pretty normal. I don't think their is anything wrong with you talking about your feelings to other people, especially your mom and dad. Having your folks seperate would be a tough think to go through. You have to keep in mind that their decision to do that is in no way your fault and their is not much you can do to prevent it or cause it. I know that it is tough to do, but for me it helps me to stop worrying about things when I remind myself that for some things there is nothing I can do to change what is happening. <P>Good luck to you and don't be afraid to talk to people(that you know and trust) about what your going through. Odds are many people have gone through similar situations and might be able to help you through this.

Dear Steve,<BR>No matter how old you are, when your parents separate/divorce it is devastating. Everything you are feeling is normal. Please tell your mom and dad how you are feeling. They don't want you to be sad, and I'm sure would want to know what is happening inside of you. If for some reason you don't feel you can talk to them, talk to a trusted teacher or school counselor. There are also many other kids your age who need other kids to talk to about what they're going through. Ask your school counselor if there is some kind of support group or club that you can join where you can meet other kids going through the same thing as you. Then you'll see that you are not crazy; just someone going through a tough time. Good luck, and don't worry - although it doesn't seem like it now, the sun WILL shine again!

Dear Steve:<BR>I am sorry that your parents are not together but at least you still have both of them that love you. You really need to talk about your feelings and express what you feel. Your feelings are important. You are important. So, you should express your feelings, hurts, anger. Your parents do understand what you are going through because they were once kids also. Sometimes it's really hard being a teenager. You have to confront all these feelings that you constantly have to deal with and that is hard. That is hard to do by yourself. Be open. Talk to your mother. Tell her how you feel. Talk to your counselor at school if you can't talk to your mother or father. If you don't feel comfortable in talking, then write a letter telling exactly how you feel. The worse thing you can do is to keep anything bottled up inside of you. Communicating your feelings is the most important thing you can do for yourself. You need to be heard. You always need to stand up for what you feel and what you think is right. Someday, when you meet someone, you will have developed the right tools in learning to communicate your feelings, hurts, happiness, etc. Just never keep anything bottled up inside of you. It doesn't do anyone any good if they don't know what is in side your head and heart. Open up and talk about it. Sometimes, you will come across someone who doesn't like what you have to say. But, remember that that is o.k. These are YOUR feelings and you have a right to express them regardless if someone does or doesn't like what you have to say. You are important and what you have to say is important. Remember that and you'll be o.k. I hope I helped some.

Steve,<BR>There isn't much I can add to what has already been said. My husband and I divorced when our kids were younger than you. In some ways that is easier, I think. From a divorced parent's point of view I can say this -- a divorce does not change the way your parents feel about you. The divorce IS NOT your fault and it is not your responsibility to FIX. Divorce represents a big change in your life and any change is frightening. We almost always view change as being negative -- look at the Y2K hype. Talking about your concerns with your parents is absolutely the best medicine for everyone involved. In fact, it would be a big help to your parents to let them know what you are feeling.