This is new to me...but I need some help.
My divorce will be final in one month. My H is in recovery from alcoholism and I am attending the alanon meetings. I have been married (alone)...emotionally for years and his recovery comes first "according to "AA". I have settled for less than an a mutually loving relationship for many years and really blame myself for where I am. I have three sons and thought I should reconcile just to have a male role model. I am positive that only God can make him into the man he needs to be. I have released the idea of trying to re-make him or manipulate him.
We both made mistakes but...he is really trying.
Fiancially and emotionally it would be better if I left him alone and concentrated on my own recovery. I do not trust him,and because I'm constantantly checking on him...he doesn't trust me. "Is there anyone one out there that can coach me in this matter. I have only thirty days to back out of the final decree...
Oh yea... It'd very painful to love him because he is very self centered and not willing to partner with me. He lives outside the home and finacially, domestically he provides no unsolicited assistance....<p>This will be my third divorce and I recognize why I chose the mates I did... that I must create and maintain boundaries... and work on my relationship with God.... I just need a little help... <p>Thanks

Cover Girl --<p>I hear you and understand your position. If there's any question in your mind about the final decree, back out. <p>Two things in your post lead me to this conclusion: 1. "He is really trying" and 2. "I recognize why I chose the mates I did." I believe that it is important for you to work this out. If you feel any spark of hope, it needs to be fanned and nurtured. Since this would be a third divorce for you, it is vital for you to discover, address, and resolve all of the issues inside yourself first, then there's a chance to work on your relationship with your H. Change begins with the individual and spreads out to the family.<p>You'll always have a bond and contact with H because of your three sons. How can this all be structured to maximize the good in all of you?<p>Please post again soon; I'd like to hear from you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Ammon

Ammon,<p>Thanks for the response. It is true. I need to work out my own recovery. My H is really trying but I am so emotionally abused that I continue to make it difficult for him to embrace his own recovery. The Lord told me belfore I married him" There is an enemy in the camp"... I didn't listen...I didn't understand... I just knew I loved him...I knew I was in trouble 6 months into the marriage. We were married for 6 years.
We separated twice and each time I asked him to leave the home. We had a divorce pending for three years and had it dismissed in Feb 2001.
After the threat of divorce disappeared, his drinking became worse. His indifference towards the me and especially the kids was unbearable.<p> I love him...but he is not good for me. He knows how to go out of his way to be indifferent towards anything I love. The opposite of hate is not love.... but indifference! With his mouth he says he loves me but he is incapable of giving me the type of love I deserve. "That is not his issue...It is mine."<p>
Growth is change and I choose to embrace the opportunity to grow without him.<p>He has two other children from a previous marriage and an affair he had on his previous wife. His children are neglected and full of anger. They are both boys 17 and 15. <p>My boys are 11 and 10 and we have one child together who is 4. I watch them and I see the same seeds of anger. I'm pretty sure if I stay in this relationship...most if not all my attention will be spent on trying to make a "fantasy" come true and I will contribute to the neglect of the precious children I have been blessed with. <p>My desire is to be the best mom, wife, teacher, and child of God I can be. I messed up my life pretty good with my life choices; I want better for my children, and my childrens children.<p>I appreciate your prayers. I really need them.<p>As for me I am going to Dallas to get my mind together. I will be praying and spending alot of time with God. I believe a have the "Go in peace from the Good Shepard. H has been out of the home since June 2001 and the children have adjusted well to him being at his place.<p>I really just want to raise the children with love, respect, and I pray God will grant me the courage to change the things I can change, The serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference....<p>Shalom.<p>Crystal

Hi;
I have a question. First off the laws here in Ontario, Canada are differ to yours(American) but the question is: Without proof, can Adultry be an issue or non-issue in court? Also what are the odds of a man taking a child away from his/her siblings(half brother and sister)? My GF fears these things and him to the point I feel she is over-worried about it.

In America...possession is 9/10's of the law. Whoever has the children and the family home is most likely to keep them.. If adultery can be proved in America...the person caught cheating is in jeopardy of losing all marital assets including the children. But the proof must be paramount in order to take away a child from their biological monther. Please consult a lawyer for specific details pertinent to your case.

covergirl;
Thanks for the response. As far as I know is that anymore Adultry is a non-issue if not proven.We or she has reframed from getting too physical but she is under the mygetifying glass here because her EX is always visiting across the road and the people in the area she feels reports back to him. She afraid of giving him ammo if am seen to much around there. As for being a bad mother far from it, those three kids mean everything to her,during and after the marriage she did everything from going to the doctor to getting them into sports. talk to you later 231