hi, i am new as of today to this site looking for help. i have been married 13 yrs. together for 18. two kids 12/13. wife and i been seperated since march 01. she filed in june 01 requesting divorce stating she is not coming back etc... she moved out and got an apt. i live in the home.
she began dating a professional man in july they been together ever since. i continue to talk with her daily at times trying to talk her back only to have her bringing up the old relationship and how she blames me and justifies the break up. up to approx. 21st. dec. i have had angry outbirst with her and she said this is pushing her away which i understand and do have it under control since it is becoming reality. we have a divorce agreement however i keep holding out on signing it. i have been stuck in this cycle with her and i would like to reconcile however i see this doesn't look like it is going to happen. she states i need to move on which i am trying by dating others casually. i implemented plan b on dec. 23rd by blocking her calls and trying to remain focused in a calm way telling her i am not angry. she requested me put on the phone by the kids at which time i was short with her. on xmas day she appeared at the door to pick up kids while i stood at the top of the steps (she said don't fight it and asked me to come to the door) upon me walking to the door she grabbed my hands and said this is very hard for me to however we must create a new friendship something we never had and see where life takes us. i inturn melted and began telling her how much i loved her etc..
the next day she said i was misreading her thoughts. she has the best of both worlds as plan a and b indicates.
what should i do ???? i feel stuck. others tell me i have tried everything else (ie) being there for her, listening to her feelings about the relationship being blamed etc.. they say i should pull back and don't give in.
should i hold the divorce off? she said as long as we are married i am holding on and she can't fully get on with her life and concentrate on new employment, etc... she states we are going to stay stuck in this and she may have to dissolve the agreement and not be so nice by giving me a good deal as she did in the present agreement.<p>please respond

Whoa, whoa....<p>Why did you go to plan B? How long did you do plan A? How well did you do? What is your model for plan B; doesn't sound like an effective one to me..have you reviewed how the Harley's say it should be done?<p> How long have you been "lurking" on this site; do you feel you understand what the plans are?<p>Why did you separate?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>she has the best of both worlds as plan a and b indicates.<hr></blockquote><p>What? I must have missed that part of the plans..<p>You might want to consider counselling w the Harley's.<p>How have you worked on yourself?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>i feel stuck. others tell me i have tried everything else (ie) being there for her, listening to her feelings about the relationship being blamed etc.. they say i should pull back and don't give in.<hr></blockquote><p>Being stuck can be an issue in many ways..but are these "others" a valid resource? Skilled in counselling or human patterns in some way? If not, there may be better ways to use this type of support than in helping define how to proceed and determining what is possible..<p>Do you know what you want? To me, you cannot be working on your marriage while "dating others casually"...<p>Dan

NormJ --<p>Welcome to MB. You will find much support and excellent advice here from many warm and wise people. It's a very smart place to be. I'm sorry that you're here but very glad that you've found this group.<p>Things are very quiet for now, being a holiday, but hang in and I know you'll get some very helpful responses soon.<p>I feel your pain and indecision; it's very hard to know what to do since we never have enough information to make all of the really important decisions in our lives. What's best here? What's best for you first and then what's best for her and your marriage? It's vital to protect yourself and try to structure the situation so that "you" are intact and healthy. <p>You are stuck because you don't want this divorce. You aren't signing the agreement because you see that as agreeing to the divorce. (It does sound a little like blackmail to have her tell you that she may not be so nice the next time...) <p>I think you have to let go, not because you want to but because you have to. As painful as it is for you, you have to open the cage and let her fly. I would hate doing that myself and maybe always wonder if... But how can you "force" the issue any more than what you've already done? <p>She apparently wants out but is offering you a friendship (maybe just to appease, but...) which you say you've never had. I believe solid relationships and certainly marriages are built first on friendships, so maybe going back to Square One isn't such a bad idea. <p>I guess I'm saying a very hard but obvious thing: if you can't keep her with what you're doing now, change what you're doing. Find and read a book called "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. Look on this site to find the material for New Members and click on those links. See the "General Welcome for all New Builders" under Marriage Builders Discussion Forums. There is so much helpful stuff here that has been wonderful for me and so many others. You're among friends here.<p>Post again soon; I'd like to hear from you. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Ammon

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>