I am 44 and my wife is 36. We have been married for 12 years and have two great kids 5 and 2 1/2.
We have been goingto counselling for about 9 months to resolve some issues (mostly with the way I have handled myself).
Last week she told me that she had married too young and that she had never been able to make it on her own (she has a degree and teaching credential) and worked until our oldest was born.
It was a mutual decision that she quit her job to take care of the kids, which she has done an awesome job doing. She controls the finances and I have given her free rein to do anything she wants.
Now she thinks we should seperate to see if she really misses and needs me. She's telling me that I need to find a place close by so I can see the kids regularly and be at homewhen she goes to work (part time night job).
My thoughts are if she wants to make it on her own that she move out, find a place and pay for it. Please let me know if I'm off base here, I don't to put my kids through this. My parents were divorced when i was 9 and it was an absolute hell.<p>Thank you

the answer is simple. . . <p>the person that wants the separation needs to the work to taste the grass in the next pasture.<p>And the kids stay in the house they are living in right now.<p>And don't waiver. . . <p>Unfortunately in my case, the house was owned by my X's employer, and she was in the process of moving from one employment house to another. . .
so i had no rights to the house. . .<p>assuming a joint ownership of the house, the person that wants to separate needs to separate,
and see how the attitude changes. . . .<p>and i better not read that you have wimped out or I will personally reach through the internet, and . . . . . .

pizzaroll,<p>Whomever gets primary custody of the kids should keep the house. If you think she will get primary custody, more than likely the judge will also award her the house.<p>Unfortunately, if she's a primary caregiver and a good mom, she can probably get the house and primary custody. <p>It's a tough decision for you because if you don't move out as she wishes. She met get an attorney and start divorce proceedings. It snowballs from there. <p>As long as she doesn't threaten to file for divorce to have a judge make a decision on temporarily moving you out, I would say stay there. Don't tell her you want her to leave, just tell her you want to make your marriage work.<p>Take care and good luck,<p>ANNA<p>[ January 02, 2002: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

Be very careful about standing your ground. If she wants you out she will behave in such a manner that will 'shock' you. Without a doubt she wants to stay in the house and keep the kids. She may even try to instigate a fight with you to get the police to come to the house and have you removed. Be careful and be ready for odd behavior. Don't get sucked into the trap. Don't respond angrily or in any hostile manner. Don't throw things to the floor. Don't curse back. IF SHE HIT's YOU CALL POLICE IMMEDIATELY !!!! <p>There is a dark side to Marriage and it's called divorce!!! <p>The sweetheart and flower you are married to can and will turn on you in a vicious manner unlike you could never ever imagined.

pizzaroll,<p>Seek a lawyer's advice before you do anything! A lot depends on what state you live in and what the laws are, but if you live in one like mine, and you move out, your W could accuse you of desertion.<p>When my STBX was moving out, I signed a paper (nothing legal, but legally binding) that said he was not abondoning me nor our son. A lawyer he talked to beforehand told him he needed that. Of course, his new lawyer tells him he should never have moved out to begin with. He moved out because it was best for our son to stay in the only home he'd ever known - plus he didn't want to have the responsibility of taking care of all our pets, of which there are many and which have always been my responsbility. If I had moved out, I would not have been able to take them with me.<p>Also, in my state, if the W moves out, she loses all rights to alimony in the event of a divorce.<p>Other things to consider:
If you move out, will you continue to help with her expenses? Will you split finances?
If you move out, will you pay child support?
Can you afford two places with her not working?<p>And one big thing: If you do move out, make SURE you establish some sort of regular "visitation" schedule with your kids. Could play a big role in future visitation rights if you do end in divorce.<p>Just my two cents worth.<p>So Very Confused

Dear PizzaRoll,<p>I have been in a similar situation such as you describe. Looking back, I wish that I would of never had told my husband to leave. I wish that I would of 'fought harder' for our marriage. But, I feel that I did the best that I could at the time. I now feel that by telling my husband to leave...I made up his mind for him. It made it easier for him. Looking back, I would of done anything I could to make him stay and work on the marriage. We had gone to marriage counseling, but after a few visits, he refused to work on the marriage. (My husband, after 9 years of marriage, was having an affair with my friend, who was also married and had little kids. He denied it as long as he could). Our kids were 8, 6, and 4 at the time and you're right...divorce is especially hard on kids. I would agree with you...it is hell. To this day, I think that it has still affected them. And I'd say the same for myself.
It's not easy to mend broken hearts.
You will be in my thoughts.
Take care. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by pizzaroll:
<strong>I am 44 and my wife is 36. We have been married for 12 years and have two great kids 5 and 2 1/2.
We have been goingto counselling for about 9 months to resolve some issues (mostly with the way I have handled myself).
Last week she told me that she had married too young and that she had never been able to make it on her own (she has a degree and teaching credential) and worked until our oldest was born.
It was a mutual decision that she quit her job to take care of the kids, which she has done an awesome job doing. She controls the finances and I have given her free rein to do anything she wants.
Now she thinks we should seperate to see if she really misses and needs me. She's telling me that I need to find a place close by so I can see the kids regularly and be at homewhen she goes to work (part time night job).
My thoughts are if she wants to make it on her own that she move out, find a place and pay for it. Please let me know if I'm off base here, I don't to put my kids through this. My parents were divorced when i was 9 and it was an absolute hell.<p>Thank you</strong><hr></blockquote>

Well this is never easy and you must see an attorney soon. Start getting your ducks in a row. I am living through this and you need to be protected. do not leave your home and stay away from your wife. be nice , once you leave the house it becomes an up hill battle. Start working on yourself. It sounds as if your marriage might be over and your wife is involved.

By the way in case you have never seen this other site ... it's a great help also<p>http://www.weiner-davis.com/