Hi all, Im new to the boards. My husband and I are separated for the 4th time. I have filed 4 restraining orders against him in the 11 years we have been married. There has been a lot of emotional abuse. The last incident occured when ;my husband broke our bedroom door in . He claims he pushed it in. I was sleeping and locked the door since he hadnt been sleeping with me, ( by his choice) for 5 months. He forcefully entered the room, declaring war against me , pulled the covers off me and said he knew i was having an affair. Which i wasnt . I left the house frantic over his actions. Preceding this last incident, he has attempted to change the door locks when i tried to leave the house during an arguement, hidden phone wires, disconnected computer and hid wires, thrown things , ect.... He tells me that this is normal for couples. I am starting to feel guilty for involvign the police. I just dont know where to turn, and didnt want to continue living like this. I still love him and feel lost without him. He said i like playing the victim. Men and women, what do you think. I guess i want the truth. Have others experienced this and how did you deal with it. I had asked my husband to go to counseling with me but when he went he walked out during session. He also refused to attend couples bible study with me. But now he is blaming me for ending our marraige and claims he will never come back to me after what i did. HE is upset with me because our credit card account is about 9000 and he feels he will never have a good financial future with me. In one sense im glad to move on and in the other i feel lost without him. Help..... I have 2 children, 9 and 3. Could use some advice... Thanks...

H'mmm I think he's scared and has low self-esteem.
It's possible that your behavior towards him freightens him. Are you a low key person ?? He is looking for immediate answers to why things are the way they are. I think he is unable to communicate his feelings to you.<p>Have you reassured him that you are NOT interested in a divorce??? That you are trying to understand how he feels and what is on his mind????? <p>How about anger workshop in your area. Think he might attend one?? Usually has other men and the guys have a chance to talk these things out. Trust me, what is happening to your husband is NEW TO HIM !!!!

Husband just stopped over to give the kids donuts, I Gave him a hug......., What am i thinking. I feel so contradictory. He can be so sweet and then so bitter. I Love so much about him, yet i can be also in fear of him.. Dont understand myself just as much as i dont understand him...HELP!!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 02, 2002: Message edited by: rosita ]</p>

Rosita,<p>Please take a few minutes to read this thread ...<p>You deserve to feel safe and to be safe, especially in your own home.<p>Stay safe.

Abuse is abuse; emotional, verbal, or physical. It is all about control; not love. Did you know 90% of emotional abuse cases turn into physical abuse when the person tries to leave. It's a control issue.<p>I spent many years in an emotionally abusive marriage. I made a million and one excuses for my ex's behavior. What I have learned is that there is no execuse to mistreat another person; especially the person who is supposed to love you. When I decided to leave because I could't stand it anymore, the abuse turned physical. I was humiliated to the core that I had let this happen. I finally got a restraining order and have kept it on for two years. It is the only thing that provides me peace and safety. <p>Don't get caught in the trap...thinking your husband will suddenly see how wrong he is and get help. He won't. It will always be your fault...you are the one that causes him to act the way he does. You must remember that you have nothing to do with his bad behavior. Protect yourself. If he hurts you again, get the restraining order and don't take it off. Get counseling and as painful as it seems in the beginning, do not go back to your husband unless he gets help.

Has anyone had experience with restraining orders.? My husband said that the laws in NJ are bogus and that my order would be overturned if he pursued it.

Yes. My experience is if you have ANY need for one, GET one.<p>Don't know how the rules vary from yours here in Michigan, but my (now ex-)husband lied his @$$ off and got one against me, and so did his mother.<p>I was unable to get one against him because he had one against me ... put in place just hours before tried to get one. We were in the same building applying for them at the same time one morning. It was a horrendous experience.<p>The judge made him drop his. He didn't believe a word of it. However, it was easy enough for him to GET.

Rosita,<p>Please take care of yourself. I've been involved with a support group for dealing with abuse and believe me, you aren't wrong for involving the police, for wanting a restraining order. You've been given good advice in previous responses! It is easy to get a restraining order, but if your H fights it, it could be denied. Have to show a history and you have done that, so I think you are all right there. I have learned to document everything, do police reports when possible, etc, etc. Not a fun way to live, but one that is now necessary because I didn't involve the police and child protective services previously. Take care of yourself and your children!<p>Lori

I can tell you first hand that the laws in NJ are not bogus in NJ concerning restraining orders. Once the restraining order is in place, your husband can't contact you or your family members by phone or in person. Even if you suspect he's been at the house, he can get in trouble. If he violates the order and you call the police, they will pick him up and arrest him. Believe me, he will get tired of paying the fine for violating the restraining order and going to court. He could very well do jail time and loose his job. <p>The only way the restraining order can come off is if you do it yourself. You must go to court and go before a judge to have it removed. Under no circumstances can your husband overturn it without you reversing it.