my wife had an affiar 8 months ago. I have struggled often with this and only because of God have I been able to maintain any love for my wife. We have two girls ages 5 and 7. I have done everything to be there for her and to love her. I made two major LB. first one is I told her about ransacking her stuff and why did she have this book called "Learning to Leave" and the second time I caught her looking up his phone number on the internet two months ago, 3 days before our anniversary. At that point it took a month before I approached her about the internet name search and everything else that she had in the house from the affair that I knew about, which she didn't know I knew, was brought out in the open. Anyway, on New Years night My wife and I and her girl friend and her girl friends guy friend all went out. Both her girl friend and girl friends guy friend are married by the way but not to each other but they are all best of friends from childhood. Anyways with that said the conversation started drifting that night towards 3 somes and four somes origies etc... I really stayed out of the conversation because what are we all talking about this for. We are all married and the whole night this other guy and girl are bashing her husband and he isn't even there. I had a real good feeling after going through this myself that they are having an affair behind their spouses back. Also, my wife lied to me and told me that they, this guy and girl, didn't come to my house when in fact her husband had told me they had. Anyway, to get to the point. If I had not put a real firm stop to the orgy conversation the four of us would of been happening. Thats not me. I had that with my wife in the past twice and I have really changed due to her affair. Also, when the ball dropped on new years my wife kept telling me to go hug and kiss her girl friend which i refused. She says oh well, be a party pooper, I'm going to go give him a kiss anyways and she did. I resent the fact that I could not look and turned the other way, so I do not know how she kissed him. But she has only meet him three times and thinks he is just great. Well, I suppose my questions are that I have been building up to a point where I can not allow myself to be treated as a door mat. I have been growing happier and happier each day only because I know this is about me and God, not her anymore and I can not change her. So if a man decides to divorce his wife what does past experince tell you to do. Tell them up front beofre you do or just due it and let the courts present it top her. I am at the point of leaving and being ok with that, its just hard trying to decide how and being sure I will not regrett the final outcome. Thank everyone for being here for me and God Bless you all.

Dear John,
Welcome, and sorry you find yourself in this position. I guess my first question would be, have decided that no matter what, you don't want to try to recover your marriage at this point? If you're not sure, I would suggest reading the book Surviving an Affair. Also, there are a lot of articles on this website concerning infidelity. If you go to the "Just Found Out" forum and search for the thread for newcomers, you will find all kinds of information there.<p>I would suggest not doing anything in haste. If you want a divorce, you can get one anytime. Take time to think things through.<p>As far as 3-somes, 4-somes, whatever, if you have faith in God, you KNOW that this kind of thinking/doing is a MORTAL SIN. So, the question becomes, will your wife want to stop all talk/action in that area? You made vows to one another. When God joined the two of you together, you became one. No SHARING allowed!<p>Please take some time to think things through to decide what you truly want for your life. For your children's sake, don't do anything rash....<p>My prayers go out to you!<p>MOM<p>[ January 03, 2002: Message edited by: Myownme ]</p>

There comes a time when one has to accept the person for what he/she is. Your wife's friends reflects her lack of moral values. "Birds of the feather flock together".

i just found out that my wife has been contacting her fathers other women of 20 years and that through her e-mails she finds it important enough not to talk to this other women when i am around. she said that she was sorry for not talking with her but that it was because I was home for the holidays. I love her and I always will I know that but you know this gets real old after awhile. I started seperating all my stuff from hers that we have had boxed up. Ispoke to my counseling pastor by phone. He said that this was becoming to complex for over the phone and that I should come see him so he and I could set up a godly plan to address her and us. other than family on both sides and most of the people i know, she has no idea that I talk about this to anybody. so as far as she is concerned nobody other than family knows. Would bring this out in the open help at all or destroy everything. I think that if she even knew that just our pastor knew she would flip out.
Advice if you have any thank-you everyone
God Bless You All.

I am terribly sorry to read about your problems with your wife.<p>One thing you pointed out in your original post stands out...you had mentioned that in the past you had participated in "orgies" with your wife, but now you don't. Perhaps, you have changed and want a traditional marriage; your wife, on the other hand, seems to still want an open marriage. It would seem that you two are on opposite ends. If she prefers that type of lifestyle, I don't see how you are going to find happiness with that. I know I couldn't.<p>I wish you luck and strength in dealing with this. God bless you.