Hello friends... <p>Well, I write with a bit of sadness and disillusionment... The other night my H was online and was protective of his computer as I walked in the room (middle son was having nightmares)... His behavior is nothing new since I've seen him chatting at different times to people he didn't want me to know about, or see what he's chatting about - whatever... but this time, I was bold. I just walked up to it, saw he was chatting with his sister and also saw the he had MB open...<p>I smiled and said with a joking and surprised tone, "You're checkin' up on me!" and he quickly said he hadn't read anything... and hasn't looked at my writing for a while. hmmm.<p>Anyway, I know that this is a public site and that what I say is open to whomever wants to read. But, when a person lays themselves pretty open anonymously seeking advice and encouragement from others and THEN suddenly you know who the person is... it's a little scary and made me feel a little vulnerable.<p>I don't mind if he reads it... in fact, I encourage him to. What I DO NOT like is that he's sneaky and evasive about it... he's trying to hide it it seems so that he can know what I'm thinking without having to talk to me about it - I don't know if he'll do this but he then can use whatever I say against me later. Maybe that's just my paranoia...<p>I'd much rather he come to me and say "Hey, I read what you wrote on the MB boards" or as he calls is the B.M. boards "do you want to talk about it?" Yeah, I'd drop dead... dream on...<p>Am I crazy to feel a little stunned/sad about this? Why? This is his pattern.<p>By the way, today he said let's move forward with the D then... if that's okay with you. I said, "If you have any doubt about it, then no. But if you're certain this is the way it must go, then yes." He said, "Let's get on with it then."<p>So we discussed a bit about child custody, child support, division of the property (house when we sell), etc. It was calm - all via instant messanger mind you b/c he will NOT have a face to face discussion with me about any of this because he's allergic to my emotions or my reactions. Okay, fine. Maybe it's better than being surprised by being served with papers and for some reason he still feels in control.<p>So, all this to say is that, "It's over." Friends, may 2002 be the year of peace. <p>My prayer for myself and for all of us was previously written by Reinhold Niebuhr (1893-1971): <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Lord, grant me (all of us) this new year the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, I'm begging for ability to change the things I can, and God, please grant me grace and wisdom for me to know the difference. <p>Lord, may 2002 be the year that we live one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship AS the pathway to peace {hmmm truth}, Taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, TRUSTING the HE will make all things right, if I surrender to HIS Will. <p>Lord, that I/we may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.<hr></blockquote><p>Shalom friends,
Nicole

Hi Nicole,<p>Oh gosh, I remember this feeling very well. My ex, David (he posted as "3wishes" for awhile way-back-when), read all my stuff. I didn't mind either, but I asked him why he didn't just ASK me what I thought instead of just read about it.<p>Last summer as I went through stuff in the garage I ran across pages and pages of posts and threads I'd written here. He'd printed it out! <p>What I realized then is that he DID care enough to try and figure me out, but clearly STILL had not figured out a way to discuss what he'd read. He did it in secret, I never knew he'd printed all that out... <p>I wish your H would take what you've written, use it as a learning tool, and begin the work of building the love back...<p>Hugs,

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I wish your H would take what you've written, use it as a learning tool, and begin the work of building the love back...<hr></blockquote><p>Hi Sheryl... a nice wish ~ I'd like it too! Maybe he's learning but likely just wants to know what I'm thinking without having to do the *work* of communicating.<p>Whatever...<p>Cheers!
Nicole<p>ps - how's the weather up north?

Oh, David was the same way. I understand. But ya know, I hope your H reads **THIS** and hears that although my (then)H was reading, he wasn't DOING, and we are DIVORCED.<p>The weather? Freezing cold but very little snow so far this year. Bummer!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] If it's gonna be this bone-chilling, the least it could be is snowy, doncha think? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by OvrCs:
<strong>By the way, today he said let's move forward with the D then... if that's okay with you. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>(((Nicole)))<p>Just got back from vacation and saw this. I hope and pray that you are doing well. You have been here for so many of us, I hope you'll let us return the favor.<p>BTW 2002 has to be better than 2001. After all the crap I went through last year I was counting the minutes till 2002 began, ready to put that year of hell behind me.<p>Got up New Year's morning only to realize that my check book had been stolen on New Year's Eve. Someone wrote a bunch of checks on my account. The bank has been wonderful and that just put the frosting on 2001........<p>Peace be with you in 2002...

Hi Nicole,<p>Sure wish there was some easy answer to your question. I've been lurking on your threads lately, very much at loss for something to say.<p>Something really just hit me. There is no way your STBX is going know what is on your mind by reading your posts here. What he gets is not only what he reads, but what he reads into it as well. At best, it is a very noisey channel of communication.<p>Communication between men and women has always been something less than perfect. We should be grateful for that, otherwise we might not have survived as a species. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In order for understanding to take place, it takes two way communication, it is the only way to make sure that he understood the message you were trying to communicate reasonably close to the way you were trying to communicate it. The only way to do that is to get feedback, two way conversation, where the other party paraphrases back the message to make sure you're both on the same page. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>he will NOT have a face to face discussion with me about any of this because he's allergic to my emotions or my reactions <hr></blockquote> <p>Let the great woman speak:<p>"The woman who indicates she will make a scene when told the truth begs to be decieved." ......... Elizabeth Jenkins<p>Don't know if that helps or not, but it is another possibility as far as the "sneakiness" is concerned.<p>Hope all is well with you and yours!