Hello everyone-<p>Well, I found out today that my divorce will be final on Feb. 19. A year ago when my WH moved out I thought I would rather die than be divorced. I was three months pregnant with child number four and believed (actually I still believe)that marriage is for life. I fought the good fight for our marriage, but after much reading and soul searching it has totally sunk in that you can really control nobody but yourself. So I set out to do just that. I have re-evaluated where I was and what I want and I have to admit that as painful as this year and the whole A has been, because of it I have realized that my life was not what I wanted it to be. <p>
In this year I have given birth to a beautiful baby girl (accidentally due to quickness at home by myself), watched my father by diagnosed and then die of lung cancer only seven months later, and found myself again.<p>Granted I would much preferred to have my WH accept his alcoholism and other problems, fix them, end the affair, and then live happily ever after with me and the kids, but that is not where he is at right now. I have accepted it and am living for me. I have to say that I am very content. I have come a long way and like myself a lot more.<p>I guess what I am trying to say is that although my WH is still with the OW, still doing and saying nasty things to me, and not being the father I think his children deserve, we are surviving and doing quite well.<p>Someday his multiple fogs may clear and he may have regrets or want to come back. For my kids sake I would at least like the alcoholism to be conquered, but I am done living my life waiting for him to change.<p>I guess I feel that although my marriage is ending and that is a huge disappointment, I know I did everything in my power to save it and I have no regrets.<p>Thanks for listening and have a great weekend!<p>K

Thanks for the post, it helped me reconfirm that i did all that i could. My pastor once told me that i couldnt be my husbands HOLY SPIRIT. I was trying to convict him and make him change. I realized i could only change myself. I am working on me, but i cant work on him. If my marriage does end, it is not because i didnt give eveyrong i had to it.<p>
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K
I'm back from my trip and came looking for you. Every word in your post is so true and at the same time so hard. You HAVE done all that you could do and you HAVE worked on yourself. I'm so glad to hear such PEACE.<p>Tell what has been happening in the past week.

HOw fortunate for your children to have you for a mother! I think it's great that you've found this peace within your life and within your situation. I'm sorry you lost your father this year, but it sounds as if you've found a certain strength even in that.<p>Blessings, good thoughts and prayers go out to you!<p>Jan

Hello everyone-<p>Thanks for responding. Your support is always appreciated.<p>Rosita - I totally understand where you are coming from. When we first separated I looked at what we needed to do and I tried so hard to get him to work on things and snap him out of his fog. It took me months to accept that I really couldn't change him. Since then I have done so much to work on myself and it really shows. I am so much more content and enjoying life again. Hang in there. I truly believe things happen for a reason and what is meant to be will be.<p>Marry- I've missed you. Things are going well. This past weekend my WH took the three oldest kids to the OG's college town. When he took them away with her a few months ago it was awful, this time I was okay. Although she is still on break she went back early. Through the grapevine I have learned that she is barely on speaking terms with her father because of what she is doing and she had to go back to work. Funny, a year ago before things were exposed she spent the whole break here and money wasn't a problem.<p>Anyway, they enjoyed their weekend. Their Dad spent a lot of money trying to win them over and I'm sure impress her. Oh well, in the end they came home and said they couldn't wait to get back! Now he's back and probably broke again and I'm sure he'll find some way to try to blame it on me, but I just brush it off.<p>I had a fabulous weekend! With only one child things were so peaceful! I went out both nights with friends, cleaned my house without having it immediately destroyed, and just took it easy. When they got back they were so loud, I was like can you please leave for a few more days!<p>We sent out our divorce settlement proposal this past week. Things look very good for me. I know he will have a fit when he gets it, but most things are cut and dry with very little he can do about it. However, I know he will come at me with a lot of blame, etc. so I am preparing myself to use your scripting. I know he is so caught up in his disease and his affair and therefore not thinking rationally, but it still amazes me that he gets so nuts about the logical and legal consequences for his actions.<p>All in all I am very upbeat. I understand that I will still have bad days and I realize that I may never fully understand or accept his choices, but I am at peace with that too. With the exception of my beautiful baby girl, 2001 will go down as the worst year of my life. 2002 is going to be the year I come back.<p>How are things going with your daughter? I hope that counseling is going well. How is the rest of your family? Write back or e-mail me or something.<p>K

Marry-<p>I misplaced your e-mail address and can't get back to the post you gave it to me on so I'll wait to hear from you.<p>K

K
I am so frustrated with this att thing. I have recieved some E-mails but most are sent back.<p>I have written twice to you but they aren't going out. <p>Anyway, the counseling sessions are a mix of good and bad (to be expected). What I DO see is that she is such a victim! She has told her counselor, in my presents, that she is so bad with money because she was never told or trained.
My reply was, "Well, didn't you have a job and a checking account your junior year in HS?" and "didn't we give you your college money monthly with a computer print out as to where the money was to go?" "Didn't we send articals about finance?" "Don't you have a degree in economics?" <p>She and I were ask to testify at the Senate about the was credit companys luor college students to start credit cards. The write up about this centered on hers and my testimoney. She said, "I had a great econ teacher in HS who told us all about the dangers of credit cards, yet I took the bait. My biggest college stress was the phone calls from creditors". All this and more was in the paper, I had a copy of the news paper artical with me and gave it to the conselor.<p>Yet she sat there and said that "she didn't know, and we never trained her about money".<p>When I see her in the adult woman mode, it's hard to believe she present herself as the powerless victim. <p>Maybe the POWER is in VICTIM!

Hi Marry-<p>Since I can't find your e-mail address and you're having problems with it anyway I thought I'd respond here.<p>Oh the victim mode. It amazes me how caught up they get in it. I agree with you about it being hard to watch them take on one hand a powerful and in control persona and then with no problem presenting themselves as the victim. I guess it comes down to the ultimate denial of responsibility. If you are a victim others are responsible for your problems. When you let go of the victim attitude you accept responsibility for yourself and then have to do something about your problems. That is a humbling and hard thing to do.<p>My STBXH should have received the settlement offer yesterday, but if he did he didn't act like it. Although he is a well practiced liar so who knows. When he dropped the kids off last night he was acting like we were best friends. He even offered to watch the kids for me tomorrow night so that I can go to the movies. This entails him coming to the house and sleeping there for a few hours because he is working third shift and wouldn't get to sleep otherwise. He hasn't stayed there in awhile, I wonder what he's up to. I guess only time will tell. A friend confirmed the other day that he has added up a lot of new debt. His hole keeps getting deeper. It is sad to watch. In the meantime I am living my life and things are really going well, it's about time that I enjoyed some peace!<p>K