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#718746 01/06/02 01:05 AM
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I really do not want a D and my H and I are having ups and downs about money... mostly.... we have been Ok on kids visitations and exchanges... etc... but he has no idea when he wants to come home, etc...<p>I am upset by the whole idea of filing, and trying to get my paperwork bn together this weekend. I gave the lawyer(I work for him) a retainer last thursday...now I am feeling pretty stupid... I do not want a divorce, I just want my H back the way he used to be.<p> I am very worried because he just is in some major lala land about what is going on... and seems to think he can just give me the little bit of money he wants... which is state required child support... and nothing else.. I was an at home mom... but obviously he is not concerned about that... too bad - I can figure things out... <p>Starting to feel like I can figure things out,, but it took awhile and we are majorly behind on lots of bills... so I just don't know... <p>I am starting to think I had better not file... as it will push him farther away.<p>thanks for any advice, HONEY

#718747 01/05/02 04:03 PM
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<small>[ August 08, 2004, 11:19 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

#718748 01/05/02 06:47 PM
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Laura, I am glad you answered//- I even borrowed retainer money from my parents, and gave it to my lawyer... I work for him... last week... and I was suppossed to be getting everything in order... well, My estranged H, wants to take us all out to dinner tonight as a family... he really is trying, and I think things are moving positively... he just got a large settlement of money and he will blow it... but I would rather not fight over it, than ruin my marriage over fighting for more of his money... actually severance package... I really do think it is unfair that H has way more money than me right now... but it will run out soon enough... I am looking for a better job and trying to earn more money, and he has been giving me 25% of his income... except from tnis severence package... and now he is looking for work... while contemplating a few vacations and presents for himself... I guess if that makes him feel better, more power to him... he says YOU JUST want my money not me... well I have a big need for financial security, but not at the price of losing my once in a lifetime love, and that he is... this is my second marriage, and during the first... (10 month only)- all I could ever think about was that I should of married JIm... I should not be with this stupid goon I married... know the feeling... this is wrong wrong wrong... what is harder is that... my H is an alcoholic and has some other problems which make our relationship difficult- but I think we can grow and make things better, and I have alreday lived with the drinking for 10 yrs... and frankly I know how to deal with that... he works, and is great... just drinks too much... and I know that is a real downer...but he is even working on it a --"little" ,... NOW the affair, and the financail abandonment are my biggest issues about my H, that bother me... the LYING included... he says he has stopped lying and will never lie to me again... but there are just still a lot of issues... the MONEY issues really bug me... but I think those can be changed... I think he is jsut pulling back for now... he lives in a rented house which costs more than our home...<p>Anyway... I really don't think now is the time... <p>HIs dad... a lawyer in another state... suggested to him he take the kids and move home to his home state... well my H, sd he would not do that and he thinks that would be ahorrible thing to do... so I just think it is my wonderful FIL talking, so I got scared last week, and that is when I coughed or borrowed the retainer money up to the hand of my attorney boss... who says I should protect my rights... I know he wouldn't find a few extra dollars, and really is trying to help me..but that is the only way my boss can help me...<p>I would like to move on... but H just had a conversation with the OW yesterday and the two of them... decided together it is over for good... At least that is my take... he says he has the resolution he needs and that it is over.<p>OH MY, I guess I better wait a while... this is hard... I really do not think he will steal my kids...it might be an angry threat...but his heart couldn't do that to me... and in the end I do not think his heart can leave me... we have been sooo in love. and My h even says he still loves me... We have just had some intense fights. and I have gone a little psycho since the affair... I attacked my H and Ow in a bar... and ripped a rug in half that fil gave my h to decorate the bachelor pad... on christmas eve when I was freaking out... i want him to be miserable apart from me not all comfy.... but I guess the rug ripping was a major lb- and so was the bar thing... both things I did just suddenly as anger took over, and I did n't even think ... in the bar I actually blacked out.. my IC says I went temporarily insane there... I agree as it was insanity....<p>Anyway...he says everyone in the world..his world his family included wants to know why he would take this rug ripper back... I say what is a rug... yes, I am sorry , and I am working on my anger... I am very sorry, it was wrong wrong wrong... but H seems to keep focusing all problems on me... I'm too fat, I gained weight, I don't clean house well enough.. he doesn't need to give me money.. I was stay at home mom when he walked, and cheated.. I had gained weight , I hurt my back seriously and I am just beginning to pull out of that... that is a lot of this... he even sd wanted to find someone more fun that me... etc etc<p>It really hurts that he could not be there for me completely in my illness... but he helped a lot actually and put up with a lot from me... my gut tells me he will come back.. unfortunately I think it will be a long time... and I am tired already... although I do enjoy some time alone again, it is kind of nice..<p>ANyway.... just let me know what you think guys... I guess I'd better pull back on filing... just do not want him running off with my kids... and I did want more money...but not worth making him so mad... I can figure the money out somehow with God's help. I'm just not there yet... and if he eventually comes home we will work that out somehow too....<p>ANyway, thanks for reading would love advice.<p>HUGS< HONEY

#718749 01/05/02 07:24 PM
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Hi Honey,<p>I've been divorced for just a year now, and I still have my moments where I wonder if I did the right thing.<p>I 'think' I did the right thing as when I look back, we were just too different. Different family backgrounds, brought up differently, couldn't communicate, he lied about stupid little things all the time (before the BIG affair lies!!!) and other things. <p>I guess we made ourselves compatible because the essentials were there, but the deep 'once in a lifetime' feelings I guess weren't.<p>Yep I still have questions about whether I should have waited, but way too late for that now.<p>Go with what your heart tells you. But question yourself honestly. If you think you can't make it without him - then you need to look at your reasons again. He's not just a 'mealticket' (& I don't mean that in the nasty way) but if you stay with him it's because you love him in a way you could never love another.....<p>Hope it all works out for you, I'll be praying for you<p>Jo

#718750 01/05/02 09:14 PM
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In the begining of my filing I was wondering if I was doing the wrong thing kept trying to believe him, H came back & did good for about 1 month then started acting funny again H was saying its me that wont let go of the A, H never said it was A only friendship, I tried to believe him but its hard when his co-workers are telling you H is still seeing her, strangers at stores tell you H is seeing her before he goes to work & other woman, his only friend & boss tells you he bragged to all the other cops he slept with her, still you believe H will change overnight & become the man you married. When I found OW husband all the pieces fell together, H told him he didnt want our marriage to work, I now know he stayed with me til she could kick her H out, they plan to be married as soon as D is over, it hurts but also helped me to find peace with my filing, there is nothing I could do to change my H he already fell in love with MOW & loved the way woman went after the cop uniform, MOW isnt the only one he was seeing & H told me he plans to date others I guess he plans to cheat on her too, the lies still hurt but I dont seem to think much about them lately, when I see him during pick up for our son, all I see is a stranger, our D is 1-22 Im ready to move on without him, I have 2 great sons & granddaughter & have great plans for this year.
m-17yrs wasted
d-1-22-2002
C-12yr,28,7yr gd
MOW-10yrs
D-pending
C-small kids

#718751 01/05/02 09:32 PM
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Glad to see you feel you did the right thing... I really have been happy with my H for a long time... all the lies are really killing me lately... it is crzy that he would lie to me as he has. I really love this man, we have been very happy, it is just that during a rut he seems to have forgotten the good times.<p>Bad back, 2 kids and him working all the time... my H needs lots of attention and was getting it at work... and guess what I was mad he was gone so much! But isn't it weak to turn elsewhere?<p>I do not want to minimize what he has done, but I feel I am his true love, I just think he got off track... but I am mad abuot him not being fair to me right now... and I think alot of how he is treating me is about the affair... the house he rented... 1st months rent was paid by her, etc etc... I am pretty sick over this pure piece of trash.<p>HUGS, thanks again for all feedback... I really wanted to file to get more money our way, and protect the kids... but now... I am just too afraid... I thought..well if he can see this as a business deal filing, but really it will create more adversary action= right ?<p>HONEY

#718752 01/15/02 03:09 AM
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Your husband has you exactly where he wants you, feelling like you are to blame for his affair & mustve done something wrong. YOU DIDN'T. He's the one who chose to go play house with another woman 7 betray you and your children. You are being too lenient. ANd things will NEVER be the same as they were. It cant be. <p>I want my husband back & I am terrified. We are actually able to talk some , after 9 months of hell. I am hoping & praying he will come back. But its going to be a slow road to building a "new" marriage. I have changed, whether I intended to or not. I realized I can fend for myself & make it work. I have become more independant & self assured. Never thought I'd see the day.<p>Sorry you let it rip on OW. But dont let your H insult you for it. You had cause. But you know what, she's a selfish manipulative tramp. If she was any woman at all, she wouldve never gotten involved with your H & suggested you guys talk. Shes not worth your thoughts. But I am worried about you. You need to keep your guard up. If you act with your H like all this never happened & dont expect him to discuss what REAL problems you had & how to resolve problems and compromise, I fear he will do this again & youll be devastated.<p>You are a better person than that. Think about all the good men out there who don't cheat on their wives and would support them when they had back problems, who would encourage them to do some activity & join them even if it was just walking!, who would help their wife clean up the house & mind the kids when you were feeling low! YOU DESERVE THAT KIND OF MARRIAGE! We all do.<p>You must start to develop your own sense of self worth again. I can see from your writing that hims saying about the dirty house & your weight etc has you believing it. I heard the exact same thing!!! But thank goodness we have friends that maintained the attitude to him "so what, thats no reason to get divorced".!!<p>I think you do need to be separated from this man for a while. Work on yourself. Be with friends. Make time for things you can enjoy by yourself or with some female friends, or the kids!<p>About you filing--- you said you gave the lawyer a retainer. That means you hired him. Didnt you talk to him about all your options? Even in so many of our "no fault" states, you have 60 days from the time you file until the status of the divorce is permanent. Alimony or "maintenence" is a separate issue than the division of assets. All the attorneys care about is can you guys come to an agreement on your own. If he fights what you have drawn up in the papers, then its judge time & he'll split things 50/50 if its a no fault state. Custody of the kids is differant though. I dont know about that stuff. You can ask in the papers that he agree to some appointments with a counselor. Even if the marriage dissolves, they can help with getting thru the process tell him. I would recommend to you to find a way to go for individual counseling. Health Ins. usually pays for it, or you may have some city/county agencies that would accept what you can afford on a sliding scale. <p>Dont worry about what he does or doesnt think. Youll never know for sure. We cant 2nd guess them, it only drives US crazy. Im learning from almost 1 year of experience. You do what you need to do to feel safe & comfortable and as far away from downtrodden & bossed around & insulted as possible! Keep posting here, everyone understands the pain & emotional rollercoaster involved! Best of Luck.<p>I just noticed you mentioned an alcohol problem. There are lots here have been thru that. You cant make him change. I think you should definately go to one of those support groups for people who live with alcoholic, which one is it? Al-Anon or one of those. ALso see if there is a CODO meeting in your town. This is an offshoot of the other support groups. It is about CODEPENDANCY. And like me, I think you are deep in it. Please go to the library and read the book Co-dependant No More by Melody Beatty. I bet you will see alot of your marriage in it. There are other books on the subject too, in any bookstore. It is when we put the needs of others before ourselves to our own detriment and often cover for & wrongfully protect another persons behaviour. Therefore they do not accept responsibility for their own actions. You & I both need to pull back & find ourselves again, I think.<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: cantletgo ]</p>

#718753 01/15/02 05:27 AM
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In my case,
first, after 6 months of separation, I filed, but after few days I withdraw.<p>I was and am feeling still the same as you: from the moment i met my exH I wanted to spend a whole life with him, I thought he feels the same way, I was sure.<p>Finally after more than a year of separation he filed and according our law I can't do anything to stop him. Till now he never showed he regreted that.<p>Now he'll become a father once more, in March, I still don't know if he married OW but lives happily with her. Doesn't miss our two daughters at all, to tell the truth he takes YD every weekend and OD meets in the city. He spent even a week on skiing in Italy with them, without OW (pregnant).<p>I still feel the same for him and still want him back but I am sure that's impossible .
I am sure he is the only love of my life and can't imagine another man in my life.<p>He never said anything about my weight (i was overweight last few yrs), or housekeeping or in fact anything , he only said he wanted more love (probably meant sex). Just opposite he alwas claims OW is not taking care of him as I used, of the house, garden...we'll see how it would be with a baby in the house, and above all claims that she doesn't love him as I did (sometimes that she does not love him at all)-so I don't understand what powers she has to bound him for herself. If it is only sex it lasts too long .<p>I can't offer you nothing more but deeply understanding what you meen.<p>Wish you all the best


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