well once again i sit here, numb.I have come here before, asking advice, to no avail....my feelings are still speaking to me. I have turned to close friends for help and now once again you. I was married to my HS sweatheart when i was 18. We were married 2yrs and i divorced him over drinking(military, easy access at young age), and other things that were silly. I also, believe that my now husband had the influence on me going through with my divorce. After one wk of knowing my now husband, we moved in together. I wasnt divorced from other husband. That would take a year. My now husband was also going through a divorce. We married one year later. Been married for 6yrs. My ex and I have found one another on the net, and made a visit last year to meet (we live in sep. states). Nothing happended that was immoral. we talked for hours on end....and ending with a sweet goodbye. We now converse on the net and occasional phone calls. He never re married, claims he wants me back. He quit drinking and smoking years ago. Understands my complicated life with ill child....wants to hang the mooon for us. My now husband is unfortunetly gone alot....may change, unsure yet. He is super with the children. Doest meet all my "needs"....but all in all he is a good husband. Now, i do find myself thinking of my ex....quite often, even dream of him. I look forward to our talks, and how well he expresses himself and i truelly see the man he has become. He knows i am married but said he wants more than anything to have us in his life so we can build what we once had...and in his eyes, has never left. I often think that i didnt give our marriage a fair shot, which i know now is true. I am so confused at times....i have beentold to cut all ties with ex....but that wouldnt do me any good, i would spend more time thinking about him, wondering if he was ok....<BR>we have spoken and i have said if anything happened ot our relationship that my ex is the only one i would return to. I feel safe there.....but am i losing it....i feel safe with 2men....this is driving me crazy....any words of advice......

Brenda99,<BR>I expect that you have not gotten a response yet because it is such a difficult question. There are reasons to go back and reasons to not go back. The one thing that I do feel about it regardless of either choice you make is that (you won't like this) you are not making the commitment to marriage that should be there. It is not clear as to the reasons that you left your ex other than drinking but it's the "silly" things that concern me. Your commitment seems to be of convenience. I'm afraid that the only piece of advice that I can give to you is to start being honest with your current husband. If you have hiding your feelings and actions from him, you are being dishonest with him. I believe that is is possible to love two people but there has to be complete honesty and commitment in the marriage if it is to survive that. <BR>

Brenda99,<BR>I have been in your shoes more than once and it can and will drive you crazy! i have an ex husband that was, like yours a high school sweetheart, and after i divorced and life wasn't really greener on the other side..i found myself talking to my ex more...finding "private time" to meet or talk on the phone..all the while having a serious relationship with my current boyfriend..(we are now married)..but like you i thought maybe i didnt give it a fair shake..something i noticed you wrote was that he says he wants back what he lost...that worries me because usually people over time can only remember the good times..the bad seem to dwindle or lose their importance...be careful that you have not forgotten why you chose to divorce. The average person is who they are by age 12 their personality and character have been formed and unless some tragic event causes that person to do a 180 they remain deep down inside the same person. it sounds a little like you maybe are not happy with your life currently because you havent made a commitment to yourself to be happy with just you and your kids. also you had no time between your ex and the new one to heal and get over the divorce..no healing time would leave that wound open like a door that is left open in a house anyone can walk in. it is a very hard decision..but do think long and hard about it. make a list of the reasons you divorced and remember them all! make a list as to why you decided to move in and ultimately married the gentlemen you are with now...then, try and see what need is not being met by your current husband, and there is one, otherwise your "door" would not have been open to let room for the ex to have time with you. over the phone or otherwise. if you have not told your current husband about the "talking" then it's been in secret, and you are in the first stages of an affair...emotional! take care and think about your children..are their needs being met with all this confusion it would be hard not to leave someone out in the cold...don't let it be yourself or your children..good luck. but when you do come to a conclusion don't look back! don't second guess yourself to death. be honest with yourself about the real reasons you are looking back now..i don't know how old you are but sometimes life as adults gets tough and we remember how fun the beginning of our adult years was and we look back and crave the times again...we have forgotten all the "problems" from back then due to the time that has gone by. i made my decicion not to go back because he kept talking like we were gonna pick up from where we left off...i have changed greatly since my divorce and he had not...and that perspective alone proved he had not...no growth in six years would worry me..good luck and take good care of yourself.<P>------------------<BR>money matters in texas

Stile,<P>Another reason no one responded to Brenda for so long is because she has been given extensive and sound advice on this topic many times. If you look back on these boards you will find all of this advice from me and many others. She has apparently disregarded the advice because she is still having contact with her ex. She has been told she is having an emotional affair and she needs to take action to stop it before it destroys her marriage. The only reason she could possibly be here is to find someone who will validate or endorse her foolishness. The feelings she is having are understandable but her actions that continue to foster those feelings are wrong headed. <P>Brenda,<P>Once again, stop ALL contact with your ex. Do it now! Print off the stuff from this site about emotional needs and share it with your husband. It appears he is not meeting all of yourneeds and you can help him do so. Use all the time and energy you are squandering musing over your ex to work on your present marriage. It may not feel as good to do so but you can take comfort in know that you are doing the right thing. <p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited December 06, 1999).]

Brenda,<P>I have read your original message and all of the responses here. I can't help but wonder if you are looking for something? Maybe something that no one person can seem to fulfill for you? You may not like what I am about to say, however, I feel the need to, so forgive me.<P>Perhaps some comfort and assistance in making a decision about your life could come from God. He is always there for us and no matter what has our best interest at heart. I have to say that in my own life, whenever a clear answer was not visible, given much time and prayer, my answers have to come to me! Maybe this void you feel is not something any "person" can fill but God could. He truely is my comfort and strength. <P>The comment above about personalities forming by age 12 is so true! People do not tend to change personalities only behaviors, which require constant maintenance. Your marriage should be your number one priority. You are being unfaithful in your mind and in your heart and are not living up to your vows or commitment. This is not fair to anyone, including yourself. You are only causing further turmoil in your life by continuing the "relationship" with your ex.<P>Your children's well being is a concern. How would another divorce affect you? How would a divorce affect your husband, children, family? Is there some other issue you are not mentioning with your current husband? Does he hit, yell, or verbally abuse you? Has he cheated on you? There are too many unanswered questions here and I have a feeling some of them you would rather not answer nor think about. <P>Good luck. May God grant you wisdom to do the right thing for your family and yourself.