truthiseek
Junior Member
Member # 11116
posted January 06, 2002 08:36 PM
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It has been many months since I visited this site...at first it was in an attempt to understand if you will why my H had betrayed me and wanted to divorce to be with the OW. Then, I decided to read Plan A/B etc...but it really wouldn't have worked since my H said he didn't want me anymore...so I didn't even attempt to try any of it.
Right now I am at approx. a year past DDay, feeling very very sad about my life. As far as I know he is with OW...I have moved to another state, started a wonderful new job, looking great, but feeling like crap. We are in the midst of bitter divorce, no contact in 10 months, except for what I hear through my attorney about what H has said and feels. Undoubtedly H is angry that I bought a house, my first!, have a great paying job, and am moving forward (for the most part). H is angry that judge made him responsible for certain bills in separation agreement,etc.. and is now being held in contempt of court. H also apparently shows no remorse, sorrow, etc...for what he did according to attorney.
Sometimes I feel like just giving in and telling my attorney that I don't want anything else from H. I know I have been angry, bitter, vindictive and everything else, but after all is said and done I don't know if I will ever be able to love anyone else again. I am a very pretty successful woman and could have about anyone I want...but I just am having the most horrible time lately of getting over the H who I loved so much and still love. What do I do? I don't want to be a weak person and give up on life, but I feel like my life is just damned lately. I am very very depressed and sometimes make stupid desicions which are obviously made to try and fill the void my H left in my heart and in my life. Will I ever get over him and the fact he chose OW over me? Will I ever be happy again? After all of the anger and bitterness I have had towards my H, I would just like to take it all back, even though he hurt me so badly. I wonder if a WS ever takes off their angry/blaming hat and realizes they lost the most precious thing they ever had in their life? Any responses are helpful and so welcome.
--------------------<p>Truthiseek<p>
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Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2001 | IP: Logged

kam6318
Member
Member # 4277
posted January 06, 2002 09:12 PM

TS, I wanted to answer your question or at the very least respond to your post. Its late here in CT but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. There are no guarentees in life that we will live happily ever after with our mate, I know that it would be great if we could go back in time and correct what went wrong in our relationships, but that can't be done. What we nee to do is move on and start that new chapter in our life that should be titles "ME". Become the best person you can be and work on your own happiness. In time you will talk with him again and the anger will be gone or fade. But we need to move on. People do change and you need to start your new life and if you are patient you might find it can be great. Give yourself time and when you connect with your X just be yourself and be happy. I am going through this as well but have three children that I am fighting for custody. I will get them, thats my end game. But I have emotionaly said goodby to my sbxw and now feel very little towards her. I somtimes feel sad for her because instaed of working on a good marraige she choose the OM. She will most likly lose all that was important with to her. She has certainly lost me and I am moiving on and not looking back. That my lesson to you. Look forward not back... Smile, it get better..... then GREAT !.

I agree with adam, keep moving forward, I know it seems like you take one step forward and two backwards, but that is progress you have come along way in a year and it will take alot longer , but if you stay focused on yourself and accept your part in things you will see that you are ok and life will be fine, you will love again if you are open and willing to take the risk again. As far as the divorce get what you are entitled to which in most states is half, do not fight or argue over the small things, look at the divorce as a bussiness transaction. Keep the divorce seprate from your feelings for him. My therapist says that the WS will go to any length to prove what they have done was the right thing to do, In my case I feel it is her lose, she gave up much more than I did, but I don't see her ever admitting it soon.

I have been told that divorce or separating from a "loved" one is a like a death. We all feel a loss. I am in the beginings of everything and know just how you feel. To have someone justify that you are worthy of loving is a huge feeling. It is easy to not see the ones that do love us at this time! Our family, and friends are always giving their love and attention to us... it is hard to see that when we are around them each day. Have you tried to looking to a support group? It would put you in touch with others feeling the same way as you do right now. Check at Health and Wellness centers or even your local YWCA office. They usually have some groups for divorce and separation.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Hello,
I know you may have moved your post. I will post in both places. I am a WS. I had an EA. After two EA's with the same person. I got a grip on reality and have changed.My husband and I are saving our marriage. Please read my post I posted it Jan 7, today it's called MY STORY, FINALLY. Its a wee bit different than your current situation but nevertheless maybe I can offer you some words that will help, even if I cannot, please know you are not alone and that what you are going through is normal for your circumstances. Have you sought out any help from a counselor. IT HELPS!
Please keep us posted.
*T*<p>I agree too with all the words said here your heart and head can tell you different things. We followed our hearts. Don't know if that helps but please know you are not alone. That is very important. You came to the right place. There are great people here that will help you

TruthISeek,<p>I don't have a lot of time to read all the responses before me, so if I duplicate someone I appologize, but I saw your post and wanted to reply. <p>I just want you to understand that you are not alone in the way that you feel. It is 2 years since D day for me, and although I'm struggling at times financially, my exH would never know it, to him I appear to be on top of the world. <p>I think this might anger the WS at times. It's ok for them to go do what they did, but when we get on with our life, they get angry.<p>Divorce is never easy and a bitter one, is even worse, I've went thru that also. My exH is getting married to OW in a few months, he proposed to her a few months after our divorce was final. I think it's a slap in the face.<p>It is normal to still love our spouse, we loved them completely, and then we were thrown into the world of affairs and betrayals and having our spouse stolen from us in a way. I think it's much harder to go thru a divorce when it ends in such turmoil.<p>Two years after my H left (on Christmas Day), I still cry over it, I still miss him, I still love him even, and he's been rotten and down right criminal towards me. <p>I don't think my level of attachment to him is necessarily healthy but I do hear all the time, that I am smart, pretty, successful and could have anyone so why do I waste my time crying over him.<p>In reality, we will never be together again, but I still miss him.<p>I think at this point, with you living so far away, and the amount of time that has passed, and you don't mention whether you have kids, but it sounds like you don't, I think seeing a counselor might help you a lot. There might be some unresolved issues you can work through to feel better. Maybe now that the holiday's passed, that might help also.<p>However.... you can love again, and you will love again, and life goes on after divorce, and even though it's a bad situation, something good will come of it, you deserve better, and you will have it one day. Stay strong, and seek the support of your friends and post here when you need to. It does get better. Good luck.<p>Dana

Thank you Dana for your kind words and wisdom. Everyone here at MB is so supportive and caring...it makes me feel less alone!
I really think I had just wound myself after my move here in september to be able to make it through the first holidays, our anniversary included, without my h. Now that the holidays are behind me, reality once again sets in. I have tried to date, but I only find myself comparing everyone in some small way to my h. Is this normal? I think maybe I have tried to rush my happiness. Although I must say, I have truly grown and become much stronger since all of this happened to me. I truly have a lot to be thankful for...a great job, my own home, wonderful loving family and sweet pets, yet the one thing I most loved in this world is gone...forever I am afraid. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those people who harden their hearts when they are young and keep a part of themselves hidden to prevent ever being hurt. My h has made so many mistakes...he didn't want counseling, and I am sure he hasnt even gotten help. He is still living in a dream world, justifying what he did to me and to our marriage. I fear that one day he will pay the price emotionally, physically, and mentally. I feel sorry for him because I gave him so many chances to make things right between us, but he chose her. For all I know, he is with her now. I couldn't compete with her when he was in another country with her, and I cannot compete with her now while they live in the same state across the US from me. Thanks for listening.