I was a happily married woman until my husband told me he did not want children. After discusing this, we decided to have one. I had my daughter 15 months ago and when she was born, we found out she has Down Syndrom. My husband became very withdrawn and I had guilty feelings that I had given my husband a "not normal" child. Since then, we have had problems that we are trying to overcome. We have both overcome the feelings of raising a child with a disability,and quite truthfully, I would not trade her for anything. But I have emotionally moved on without my husband. Our friends think that there are deeper problems that might stem back to when he was a child, but he will not open up to me. He even believes that there is "no problem" at all. Now everyday, I am in a deep depression. I have it in my mind that I want to leave, but don't know how to. My husband is a great husband and a wonderful father, but he does nothing for me emotionally. I am fighting the fact that I want my daughter to have a sibling to help her through life and have the feeling of a family, but I do not want to bring a child into this world if my world will be as a single mother.
Help, I am at my wits end.<p>Monique

Hi Monique,<p>Welcome to Marriage Builders!<p>Well, I understand what you're saying here...<p>A bit of history: I was married for twenty years to a man who was in denial about our son's disabilities. Our son wasn't breathing when he was born. He survived, but he was always a bit "slow" it seemed. I was not aware of the very significant problems until years later - although I should have been, I think. When my son was eight years old, he tried to hang himself at school. Obviously, this was a wake-up call to find out what was wrong. He had "invisible" disabilities... neuromotor problems, epilepsy (complex-partial seizures, so not obvious) and a host of other problems which (again) should have been obvious (like how he couldn't ride a bike or write letters - all motor skills were affected).<p>I went into Super-mom mode, and his father never did accept that his son had disabilities. He'd push him to do things he could NEVER do, or ignore him altogether. As the years passed, my (then)H would have glimmers of understanding, and they got stronger... and stronger...<p>My son is now 17 and lives with his father. Only now does he FULLY APPRECIATE the depth of disabilities our son has.<p>I am now married to a man who has a young son with disabilities, and he spent many months also in denial (before I knew him). He fully understands and appreciates his son's limitations and strengths now. <p>Okay, so.... first, I understand your feelings as a mother. If you are like me, you wonder if YOU are defective, and if you did something to cause the disaibility. <p>Secondly, your H is very normal, from all I've read and discussed with both my ex-H, current H, and therapists. Many men cannot accept (at first) that they made a defective child, so they go into a denial state that sometimes lasts a lifetime. However, as you can see, my ex and my H have both come out of the denial state and are understanding of their children's disabilities. But in both cases, it took time. I know... you'd like some support NOW... I do believe it will come... but you must give it time.<p>Yes, this can RUIN a marriage. I've seen it a few times. My marriage ended for other reasons, but the denial certainly added to it, since I was TIRED from doing all the work ALONE. I hear your fears, and lived them.<p>Are you able to get away from your daughter a bit and do things alone or with friends? Do you work outside the home? Do you have daycare for your daughter? <p>You need to take care of YOU... that will make you a better mommy, and a better wife. <p>Your H will have to find the TRUTH on his own... I know... it stinks. But it's the way it must go.<p>Best wishes...<p>[ January 07, 2002: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</p>

I do work full time, and do make a habit to go out with my friends. I am a very independant person and active. I spend alot of my time with work and my daughter. I need some time on my own to really know what I want. I don't want to hurt H, but i am hurting now and have been for 2 years.I just want the hurt to go away.<p>Thank you for your input.