My H and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. We have 1 15month old daughter. I have been struggling to save our marriage for over 2 years now. Our Daughter has Down Syndrom which has not become a problem. She is a very healthy child which tells me that it is a mild case. My H is a good H but I have been trying to save our relationship for so long, I feel I have moved on without him. He is a very emotionless person. My emotional needs are not being met. <p>Just before Christmas, I told him once again that I was fed up with our loveless relationship. I am an active 34 year old and I need more than just a room mate. I have said this before, and have come to the conclusion that he is numb with my threats. I told him I wanted to go to counseling, but he did nothing to start the process. I told him that in the New Year, I would be making a decision as to the future of me and my daughter. I want to leave, but am having a hard time trying to do so. I don't want to upset the life of my daughter. I love my house and and close to people on our street. I know what I have to do, but how do I go about it. I am getting more and more depressed every day.<p>Some of our friends say that his "unhappiness" might stem from his childhood. When I ask him, he says that there is nothing wrong and things will be fine again for a few weeks. <p>Any input will be helpfull....please help

Have you tried to set an appt. to get counseling started. He might be willing to go if you get things started. Is he willing to go to counseling?<p>I know this is a hard time for you.. it is never easy to make a life changing decision. <p>Anne2000

I am not a stong believer in counselling, but said that i would go...........back then. I hear alot of negative things with counselling. I don't think I have heard one positive outcome. This is why I am so confused. I am hoping me asking him to leave will help him understand what he is losing and try to win me back. I don't know if this is the right approach, but it is the only one that makes sense to me right now.<p>Monique

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by moniquemac:
<strong>My H and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. We have 1 15month old daughter. I have been struggling to save our marriage for over 2 years now. Our Daughter has Down Syndrom which has not become a problem. She is a very healthy child which tells me that it is a mild case. My H is a good H but I have been trying to save our relationship for so long, I feel I have moved on without him. He is a very emotionless person. My emotional needs are not being met. <p>Just before Christmas, I told him once again that I was fed up with our loveless relationship. I am an active 34 year old and I need more than just a room mate. I have said this before, and have come to the conclusion that he is numb with my threats. I told him I wanted to go to counseling, but he did nothing to start the process. I told him that in the New Year, I would be making a decision as to the future of me and my daughter. I want to leave, but am having a hard time trying to do so. I don't want to upset the life of my daughter. I love my house and and close to people on our street. I know what I have to do, but how do I go about it. I am getting more and more depressed every day.<p>Some of our friends say that his "unhappiness" might stem from his childhood. When I ask him, he says that there is nothing wrong and things will be fine again for a few weeks. <p>Any input will be helpfull....please help</strong><hr></blockquote>

Have you considered that maybe your H is depressed. It sure sounds like he may be and is having a hard time coping. Having a handicapped child is difficult...different people handle things differently...just a thought.<p>Maybe you should take the bull by the horns and make the appointment for counseling. Would he go? Have you discussed it? Has he always been shut down like what you are describing or is this something fairly recent?<p>Good luck.

happymac,
Thank you for your input. I have asked him if he is depressed and he seems to think he is not. I feel as though I have been trying and trying and now I have emotionally left him. I am not a strong beleiver in counseling. My sister died as it did not help here. I also have not heard positive things. I do not know one couple who have benefited from it. The weird thing is, we don't fight, we get along well, just nothing inside anymore. Room-mates. I really think being on here and talking to people who are going through the same thing i am helps. Thank you./

You can't have always just been room mates since you have a 15 month old daughter. Did this emotionless behavior and lack of sexual desire on his part start after the birth of your Downs Syndrome daughter? If so, he is probably very afraid that by having physical relations with you, you might once again become pregnant and that child might be handicapped as well. Also it sounds as if he is not dealing well with the fact that he fathered a child who is handicapped. <p>I'm not a fan of counseling myself for a number of reasons but if your problems only started or were magnified by your daughter's birth, then counseling would help you both in coming to terms with the whys and wherefores of her condition and might help you both focus on healing your marriage.<p>Rita

There are lots of views on counseling. There are also lots of different techniques. I can say one thing, counseling will not work unless you have an open mind to it. As far as couples counseling, you are right the odds aren't good. Both people have to want to save the marriage and are there because they want it. That isn't always the case. Individual counseling can help...as I said, it depends on what you are looking for. <p>I was married for 16 years to someone who had severe mental problems. I know all about being emotionally starved. I always considered myself a strong person, but going through my divorce, proved to be the most horrendous experience of my life. The counseling helped me to be strong and understand I wasn't at fault. Your H may need medication. Ruling out depression because he says he isn't is not a good indicator he is okay. Does he laugh, go out with friends, have hobbies? Did he before your daughter was born? A sure sign of depression is loss of interests...short attention span, loss of sexual desire. Yelling, giving ultimatums won't help if he's depressed. Depressed people have a way of shutting out eveything around them. Maybe he would agree to having a physical to rule out any physical problems. If he doesn't have any health issues...you may want to revisit the counseling.

HappyMac
That is the weird thing. We don't yell or fight. He never had any friends (not ones he hangs out with every week) nor any hobbies that he speaks of. It seems like this has been going on well before our daughter was born. I am a very outgoing person. I am the one with the hobbies and lots of friends. i signed H up in a Pool leauge last fall. I am making him have a hobby. Cause I also need time alone. at home. He hovers around me like a baby to it's mother. If i watch T.V., he watches t.v., if i read, i have to tell him to go do something cause he will sit there and watch me. creepy. He is too dependant on me. I want him to be his own person. Like I am. No the more I think about it, the problem with us that started so long ago, is a hopeless battle. I don't mind leaving, I just don't want to hurt him. He has more to lose than I.

Forgive me if I seem nosy, but why on earth did you marry him? It sounds like he is much more introverted than you are; something he can't help by the way. Yet, if he has always been that way, there must have been something there that make you say "I do." <p>My ex and I never fought either. It was easier just to do what I did. I would air my concerns, but he ignored them and ignored me. <p>If you don't love your H and truly want out than you are right, counseling won't do either one of you any good. I hope things work out.

Happy<p>It is funny you should say that. They say women change when we get married. where in fact, he is the one who changed. I know why I married him, but don't know why I stay married to him. Guess it is just convient for now. I love my big house, bla bla bla. I have no problem living with me and my daughter, but I would rather do it in my house. But home is where you lay your hat. I no longer want to stay in a house that is soooooo cold.<p>What is your thoughts???

You are right...home is where you lay your hat or where your heart is. I had a beautiful custom built home in the country my family helped me build. But you, know what...I knew I would never have peace if I stayed there...so, I let him stay and I bought a little house for myself. I've never been happier. Things come and go...I had nothing but sad memories in my dream house. I would have been happy living in a cardboard box given the option of that or the house.

I do believe the same. I would love to have stayed in our little apartment and been happy, than having all the stress of the house. I know things will be alright with me, it is just the moment in time i am at. Must move forward.<p>Monique