My now XH called me last night and told me that he picked up the finalized D papers from the lawyer and he had my copy. I didn't feel a thing when he told me, just asked him to meet me somewhere this week so that I can get them from him. Maybe I am numb......this D went through pretty quick. He left in August 2001, he filed in late October 2001 and now it is final in January 2002. <p>I have been going to counseling since he left and I am still trying to figure out my part in our marriage failing. How long does it take to figure out what you did wrong? I can see bits and pieces that I could have improved and done better. I am trying so hard not to focus on his faults and focus on mine. The more I sit and think about our marriage and when we were dating the more profound it is that he has never been really happy since we have been together. Now that we are apart, he is still not happy. I admit that when the problems started to surface that I didn't put all my energy into solving them but I know deep down in my heart that the last year or so of our marriage I woke up and spent all my energy on solving the problems I believed I was responsible for in the marriage. I feel that I really went out of my way to make our marriage work and my XH told me he could see and feel that I was really trying but he wasn't giving anymore to our marriage and that he gave up years ago. I am feeling now that his controlling behaviors and the mental, emotional and verbal abuse against me really played a huge part in the breakdown of our marriage. I am seeing all of this from the beginning of our marriage, even while we were dating. It really came out after we got married. I was scared of him, not because he hit me....he never hit me, but everything else was just as bad. It came to the point that I was even afraid to talk to him about anything in fear of his response. I walked on eggshells around him, my children did too and so did my family. How could I stay in a relationship this long that was so unhealthy?!?! <p>Me and my children (two boys, 6 & 2) are much better off and I know this because I can see how well they are doing and me too. I can't deny that we are all sad that it came to this because I felt deep in my heart and still do that this marriage could have been saved but he was not willing at all. I knew and still know that it would take alot of hard work and I even told him before he walked out on us that I was willing to do whatever I could to save our marriage and that was what I was doing and said he didn't care and left.<p>After he was gone for about 2 months I finally quit trying to save our marriage because he totally refused to have any part of it and my counselor told me that I needed to move on and take of me and my children. From that point I have done just that. I don't feel so crazy now and the bad times are fewer as each month passes by. I have a hold of my life and I am trying to live it to the fullest. My children are doing very well and they seem so very happy and full of life even with their father gone. Their father doesn't spend alot of time with them and I try to make sure that the time that he can spend with them they are available. There is no doubt in my mind that they need their father and I have done everything to make sure that they know their father and have their own opinions of him. It has been very hard for me because of his OW but I know that that is something he will have to come to terms with with God and not me. <p>Everyday when I wake up I tell myself over and over, "God doesn't give me more than I can handle". This is so true in every aspect of my life. Five months after my XH walked out on me and my children I am living my life and enjoying my life and the only reason I am where I am today is because of God.<p>Just an update for everyone out there.........I feel free, maybe that is what I am feeling now.<p>Kathy

It seems you have finished one journey and you are starting another, with your head on straight i might add. I could only wish i was in your shoes. I am at the lowest point in my life right now, and we haven't yet begun. (read my post here) I hope for the day, that I have peace.<p>You are my mentor.

No matter what you did or should have done was going to make him happy, you are not responsible for another person or there happiness. I am sure you made mistakes we all have, there are many things I wish I would have done different, but I didn't, it is sad to say I didn't know any better, if I would have known I would have done something about it. Regardless of what happened I don't believe that anyone deserves to be betrayed, that is not what marriage is , I don't belive marriages are disposable, I believe they are for life, He will find out the grass isn't greener on the other side, the sad thing for him is you are moving along very well, you are doing all the right things for you. There is no time frame that I know of to realize everything or you part in all of this, The important thing is you are looking and making changes in your life and that is what will make you a better person, it takes alot of strength and courage to change and accept your part and to admitt what went wrong. It is sad that he isn't capable of doing the same. I truely believe that in the long run he will realize what he has lost. You will realize what you have gained, it is sad but sometimes I think to myself that my exw really did me a favor when she left with OM, i didn't want it , I would have never left her, but now after a year I feel some guilt for believing I am better off with out her.

Hello There,
Not very farmiliar with your story but I just want to say God Bless You. You have probably endured some grueling times. I agree with Jabber too on many things Jabber posted. At least you are not left with questions. This is a chapter you can close. It appears that you and your children have a solid future. Bless you for that, for staying strong and praying to God. Please keep us posted with how you are doing.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by AbandonedMom:
<strong>I have been going to counseling since he left and I am still trying to figure out my part in our marriage failing. How long does it take to figure out what you did wrong? I can see bits and pieces that I could have improved and done better.......I admit that when the problems started to surface that I didn't put all my energy into solving them but I know deep down in my heart that the last year or so of our marriage I woke up and spent all my energy on solving the problems I believed I was responsible for in the marriage. I feel that I really went out of my way to make our marriage work and my XH told me he could see and feel that I was really trying but he wasn't giving anymore to our marriage and that he gave up years ago.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This is how long it takes. Honestly ask yourself this question...<p>If I could magically go back to the beginning of my marriage, knowing what I know now, WHAT would I do differently?<p>Once you answer that question, you've figured out your part in the problems of the marriage. Be honest. List them. Don't berate yourself; don't focus on them; just be aware of them. <p>Then spend the next year of your life working on those things. <p>Remember, HE's the one who left; HE's the one who choose to bail; HE's the one who gave up on the marriage. NOT YOU!!! YOU didn't "cause" him to make those choices.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am feeling now that his controlling behaviors and the mental, emotional and verbal abuse against me really played a huge part in the breakdown of our marriage. I am seeing all of this from the beginning of our marriage, even while we were dating. It really came out after we got married......I walked on eggshells around him, my children did too and so did my family.<hr></blockquote><p>Boy, can I relate to that! My STBXH was the exactly the same.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>How could I stay in a relationship this long that was so unhealthy?!?! Me and my children (two boys, 6 & 2) are much better off and I know this because I can see how well they are doing and me too. I can't deny that we are all sad that it came to this because I felt deep in my heart and still do that this marriage could have been saved but he was not willing at all. I knew and still know that it would take alot of hard work and I even told him before he walked out on us that I was willing to do whatever I could to save our marriage and that was what I was doing and said he didn't care and left.
<hr></blockquote><p>That's right....HE LEFT. You loved him, pure and simple. "Love covers a multitude of sins." Don't put yourself down for loving him, even if HE had unhealthy relationship behaviours. <p>And YES, had he been a different person, you could have save your marriage, I truely believe that. But you couldn't do it alone. Me neither.<p>I'm so sorry for your pain and I wish for you great happiness and restoration of the joy of hope, wonder and loving sometime again in the future.<p>The next year will be a tough one for you. Don't focus too much on the past. Work on you and allow God to continue to mold you into his beautiful daughter. God's sad too, you know. Just keep close to Him and humble and allow Him to love and take care of you and your kids.<p>Aloha,
Ms.O

Hi amom,
I am really sorry to hear your story. My h left in may 2001 and we have 3 girls(5,2, and 1). He lives with ow now. My divorce is not final yet, but it will be by summer. Just try to be there for your kids, they really need you now, and just know that you are an amazing person and mom, and you can feel really proud that you can do this by yourself. Also, you may find someone even better for you and the kids one day. So stop downing yourself.

Hi Kathy,<p>What you are doing is admirable, however, you can also drive yourself crazy because you may never know the real reason. . . or you may find out about it years in the future. . .<p>The only reason i was given was that I was rich, that my successes made my X feel inadequate, and that my X's parents should have divorced, so we have to. yeah, i got the i've been unhappy for 10 years. . . and when i pulled out cards to the contrary, the excuse was, "I just wrote those things."<p>Well, although you feel discarded, if you knew he wasn't happy, and after you did the best you could and he still wasn't happy, wouldn't you consider letting him go free to find his happiness? I know, a slightly different spin. <p>The problem with alot of these types is that they don't know how to communicate, not really. and alot of them had not very good role models for marriage. . . . or for their childhood.<p>After the IMNILWY speech, (thats a new acronym) i was doing some research, and I found a book that answered questions about my X that had bugged me for over 15 years. . I realized the problem was bigger than I was, I could not solve it with Plan A. so although you may never know the answer, you may also find out in the future that he may be terminally unhappy, and that you will eventually be happy. . .<p>so don't kill yourself, just remember, there are alot of marginally crazy people in the world today, the official name is XYZ personality disorder. And without alot of reading, you may never know which one it is. . .. but there is one in there somewhere. . .<p>good luck,
lots of us are in the same boat as you,
just don't kill yourself over it.<p>wiftty

Jabber-<p>[You will realize what you have gained, it is sad but sometimes I think to myself that my exw really did me a favor when she left with OM, i didn't want it , I would have never left her, but now after a year I feel some guilt for believing I am better off with out her.]<p>This is exactly how I feel now and I am really glad to know that I am not the only one. I begged my XH not to leave, to work things out but he did anyway. After a couple of months on my own and in counseling I was seeing a different aspect of my marriage that I had never seen before. I don't want him back in my life, I know that me and my children are better off with him not being around. I do feel guilty about that but I also know that I gave all I could to make the marriage work and he didn't want to stay. My children and I are doing really good and we are in a healthier environment.<p>Thank you for your insight and comments.<p>Kathy

moniquemac-<p>Thank you for your comments and support. I know it has only been 5 months since my XH walked out but with all of my family and friends supporting me and the counseling I have been receiving, I feel very strong and I CAN see that light at the end of the tunnel. I know there is more to life. Also, I have prayed to God more than I have ever prayed in my life and I have been going to church more faithfully than I have ever in my life.....I know this is the root of my strength.<p>I have been where you are and there are days where I still hit the low points but after everything I have already been through and survived I know that I will get through those low days.......one step at a time. Like everyone says here, it does get better with time. Everyday is a little bit better for me and my children.<p>God Bless,
Kathy<p>tnt4kps-<p>Thank you for your reply and support. I am really amazed at my strength and my children's strength but I know that it is coming from God. I also know that I have survived the worst pain I have ever felt in my life and I am still surviving the pain because of God.<p>God Bless,
Kathy<p>Ms.O-<p>If I could magically go back to the beginning of my marriage, knowing what I know now, WHAT would I do differently?<p>This is a really good question to ask myself and thank you for raising it. I am going to start thinking about this, long and hard, and write down everything I come up with because I never want to go through any of this again. <p>I do feel very strong and I owe everything to God. Lately I have been focusing on my anger towards my XH and his OW. I need to really work through this anger because I know that it is only holding me back.<p>Thank you again for your support,
Kathy<p>alonewiththree-<p>I am still amazed at my strength to this day and the fact that I have survived. The person that I am today is different than the person I was and I can only see that it is for the better.<p>I actually do not hate men since all of this has happened. If God has someone out there for me I know He will lead me to that person. In the meantime, I have a lot of work to do on myself and to be there for my children.<p>Thank you and God Bless,
Kathy<p>WhenIFindTheTime-<p>Thank you for your support and your reply. I know that my XH is not happy, I can see it everytime he picks up the children and when I talk to him on the phone. We were together for 8 years, who does he think he is fooling? I am not rejoicing in the fact that he is not happy but I am hoping that one day he wakes up from the fog and gets some help. I am moving on because I can't wait around for someone that doesn't want me. My children want me and God willing there is someone else out there that would love me the way God intended.<p>God Bless,
Kathy

Kathy,<p>You've been given wonderful advice and support in the previous posts. I think that as we grow and realize we are better off and happier that it enbales us to look back as an "outsider" and look at the marriage more analytically. It sounds as if our exes were alike in many ways, and it may be that there is nothing you ever could have done to make it better. The constant "walking on eggshells" is usually indicative of someone who is desperately trying to please the other person and never achieving it, because no matter what is done, it is never enough. I don't think it is what you did or didn't do that caused your ex to leave, I think people like that have something terribly wrong inside themselves.<p>Take care of yourself and your children... it sounds as if you're doing a fantastic job of it already! Peace for your future.<p>Lori