My H is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. We have been married 2 yrs on Jan 29th. He went into recovery a little over a month ago. 2 weeks into it he wrote me a letter that he loved me but was not attracted to me sexually or intimately and sees no chance of our marriage working. Was I blown away. We have a 7 month old daughter. He states he has felt like this since shortly after we were married when he got sober the first time. We have lived apart for the last month and now he will be staying at the house in a seperate room for the next month and a half. Paying rent and child support. It is probably the safest place for his recovery as his original option was his brother and both his brother and his wife drink regularly and heavily. Am I an idiot for letting him move back in after I told him to stop calling me everyday and that I needed some space and then 2 days later he is moving back in, looking at living in the same apartment complex my daughter and I are going to. I hope I am not opening the door to another heartbreak. My head knows that he doesn't want to be with me, and we are going to be in seperate rooms, but what about my heart. How do I let go when he does go?
Do I keep wearing my ring?<p>No one probably really cares what the letter said but to continually torture myself I keep rehashing it so I am going to add it here so maybe someone will be able to help me understand more.<p>"I am writing you to tell you how I feel about a lot of things. I have been decietful and hurting to you. I must tell you the way that I feel about our marriage and our future. I feel that you are the motherly and caretaker type in my life. I don't feel like we are married. I haven't told you this for a long time. I did not want to hurt you because I love you very much. This has been eating away at me and will lead me to drink again if I don't tell you. I am not attracted to you sexually or intimately. You are my best friend. The only true friend I have ever had. I want you to be a huge part of my life. But I cannot go on lying to myself or you. About the motherly comment, don't take that the wrong way. I think subconsiously I wanted someone to take care of me. I love you very much and the last thing I wanna do is hurt you. I have always ran away or moved along with my problems. I gotta stop. I'm getting honest. I can't stop thinking about it. I hope you will forgive me.
I want you to think about what we are going to do with our lives. Just know that I love you and I only want what is best for your future, mine and our daughter's. I am no good to ----- if I don't sober my brain up and keep it that way. I don't want to split our family up but see no other way to be honest about the whole situation. Please think about this.<p>I love you both very much"<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: taylorbeans ]</p>

the best thing you can do right now is just be there for him be his friend and support his recovery, take it one day at a time and don't LB, see what happens give him time to come out of the fog, and truely get sober, yes you may get hurt, but at least you will know you were there and did all you could to help him. For the most part he has to see he can help himself, I have been in recovery for along time and I know how distant a person can become, when they are trying to put there life together, support is what he needs.

Do you think there is any chance for my marriage. I am giving him the distance he needs but we are both going to get our own place in a month. Right now he is living at home ( in a seperate room). He will be moving to the same complex as my daughter and myself and wants us to have keys to each others apartments. Is that wise? I love my husband and support his recovery, I want him to get better both for himself and our daughter. I have asked him to wait before filing to see where things go, he said OK. How do I show him affection when he doesn't want it and how do I work on the marriage if he doesn't try?

By the way what does LB stand for?<p>Also, I have read that seperating almost always leads to divorce is it just time for me to start accepting this. It has only been 3 weeks, and he still wants to be part of my life. I am so confused, so many questions. I need all the guidance I can get. What should I do?

It seems to me, that him wanting to live so close to you and your daughter as well as having "keys" to each others place, is not the road to go. He still wants you to be close, maybe for the mothering part, and mainly because of your daughter. He must come to take care of himself. He says he does not want to hurt you, but this will truly hurt you even more by being so close. It will take you longer to "get over" because of the living distance. You need to break free only if you feel you have done everything in your power to save your marriage.
I repet, do not exchange keys. I am not an expert here, but when you finally do move on, do you want him comming into your "new life" as easy as that?? You need time to heal, and to heal your daughter. I too have not been married for long and have a 15month old daughter with Down Syndrom. I am struggling with moving on with my life also, and when I do, I do not want him to have a key to my house, since he does not have the key to my heart.
Good luck, I will be thinking of you, and please write back if you need to talk.
Monique

I appreciate the feedback. Today though I am sad I have made the decision to file (not sure if it is for divorce or seperation at this time) but something. I see all the signs that he will not stay sober. No meetings, cancelling his counselor. He has no desire to even put and effort into our marriage. He has told numerous people he never loved me. Just used me to take care of him. It is time to move on as much as it hurts. I promised him an easy divorce and asked him not to file for a while and now I am going to do it on my own. I sort of feel relief because I can't live like this forever.<p>Thanks

Well I have decided to file for divorce. He shows no signs of wanting to work on the marriage or his sobriety. A number of his counselors have said he is a sociopath and narcisitic and now that things are hard he won't try and will show no regrets. That is exactly what I am seeing. It hurts so much, but I know if I just file for seperation then I will hold on to the false hope that we will reconcile. If we ever do he needs counseling and must be clean, or our marriage will never work. If things get better we can always remarry but it is time for me to give up and move on. I just wish it bothered him it doesn't and that is what hurts the most. That our marriage means so little, that he doesn't think he ever loved me. How do you let go, of a dream and the man you love?