Hello out there to all the MBers still haunting these hallowed bullitin boards. I thought I would update since I have not been here in so long.<p>My H and I have filed, and things are not looking up. It has been 17 months since dday and still we cannot communicate. he is still seeing the ow and that is all. He makes no strides in even regaining a friendship, though i work hard to keep him apprised of what he needs to know. Mostly about the kids. He never grows up.<p>He is still a good, but Disneyland, Dad. He cannot use his imagination to entertain them, as if life is supposed to be entertainment. I still know nothing about the OW except that she is still older than me, living with her parents, and a sinning Catholic divorcee. She has now visited H in AZ, where we live(not together)and I don't think she was impressed. His cousin's house is a pigstye, and even he is embarrassed by it.\<p>We are still having money problems. He still spends more than he should without checking the computer banking. I am still struggling to keep the house afloat. It looks like I will not be able to save the house for the children after all. The recession, especially after 9-1-1, has left me wanting.<p>Wanting a job, not getting one, and even more in debt. House markets are down and now that i am selling, the house is in no condition to sell. I don't know if we are going to make it. At least we have filed and the it is in motion after a year of support negotiations that led us in circles. I hate money! If I could just get a job! I have put out 50 resumes and no go. I really need to finish college, but how can I with all this going On?<p>I feel strong, emotionally, I go out dancing a lot and I am doing an acrylic painting class for myself. I wish I could say the weight was coming off, but it isn't. I treasure my weekends off while kids are with their F. <p>I have finally had sex, but it was meaningless, and left me wanting more. I cannot seam to be intimate without feelings attached. That was a hard lesson. I really wanted to have it and then it fell flat. I could enjoy the attention, but could give nothing in return. In short I was a lousy lay. I hope that the next time it will be different. Or I should just wait until there ARE feelings there. That is probably the right thing to do. But it had been since 1999! Oh yah, H and I tried to rekindle with intimate weekend after xmas last year, but I had to practically rape him--no fun at all. For either of us. I had almost forgotten it. <p>Xmas was tough this year. Our first not a family unit any more. Went home to CA to visit parents, and took the kids. They enjoyed the change(which I really needed after last year's fiasco,) but they missed their F a lot. I drooled over several divorsees, but was not a bad girl. <p>I had to deal with the MIL on the trip. She was pleasant for as long as she could. She really loves me, but she also blames ME for my H straying and breaking up the family. I could not convince her, her number-one son is not the man she thinks she is. Even if she Does know about OW. She has not met her . No one has. No one knows about her except close friends. I did not send out the usual Xmas cards because I did not know what to say.<p>Well that is all, it is late. Signing off--<p>Beth

Hey there fellow Zonie!<p>I haven't been on these boards for a long time...<p>I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of my own divorce. The only advice I have is to just move on with your life.<p>I've long since given up on my X. I learned that the only way I can deal with what used to be my marriage is to LET IT GO.<p>Letting go is hardest when you are holding on...<p>You're holding on too tight, Beth.<p>I realize that this flies in the face of everything MB, but I really think there has to be a point where you just let it all go and move on with your life. <p>Your H has moved (in the words of one of my favorite country songs) from "someone I loved, to someone I used to know."

Hey cactus:<p>I do think about ya now and again. I saw your station at one of those fairs downtown and wondered if you were there. But since I don't know your real name...<p>I am glad you are doing so well. I really am not holding tight onto H, but maybe my house... I have been unable to get a job and am scared of the future. <p>I have tried to make things easy for the kids adjustment, but even that has gotten out of hand with H's reluctance to be a grown up and get things done. We tried to get all agreed to speed up the divorce, and smooth it out, but in the long run it has added a year onto the inevitable. My poor kids are in limbo too. I guess it did not work out like we all thought. the constant readjustment to what we both will agree on has left nothing but a mess.<p>We don't argue, but the lag time between meetings is usually a month. He never initiates anything. This is so darn draining, maybe that is why I have not been able to get a job, too much else going on.<p>I did have a nice Xmas in CA though!<p>Beth

I don't know if you remember me...but I have often wondered how you have been doing over the past few months. I'm sorry to see that you have needed to head down this road when you tried so hard to recover from this and wanted to work on your marriage.
We have moved to NC and are still trying to work on things. I usually post on the pregnancy/child forum. We are in counseling and go to Retrovaille monthly groups. I am having a hard time getting past alot of things, and thats just in dealing with his affair, I haven't even begun dealing with my feelings on the baby they had, which those feelings run all over the place (one day I feel one way the next day another, or it may even go hour to hour)but in any event, we have a really good therapist down here and she challenges us both when we need it.
Be good to yourself, you deserve it...I always liked ceramics, but am unable to find a place down here.
Not much advice from me, but wanted to let you know that I do think of you and will keep you in my prayers.
NGU

I feels like old home week! thanks NGU for answering. It is great that you have such a great therapist. I do too, but since H was unwilling to make ANY changes, it did our marriage no good.<p>I am glad that you sound as if you are finally making some small strides. Last I heard, it was no progress on your end.<p>Though I have had to go the D way, I still had to do the forgiving. I know that when H stops being ashamed of himself, our friendship will return. That is all I really want now, anyway. I have forgiven him for all the crap, but at times I still mourn what our life was meant to be, but will not be. But rarely now. Now I see the possibilities of my future of which I am in control of.<p>I am going to go back to college, and graduate as soon as I can decide on a major. It is never too late for education, and I know from trying so hard to get a job that it is important unless you own your own business. I am going to see a college counselor and see what they think would be the best direction for me.<p>I hope all continues to go well for you.<p>Beth