Hello to all,<P>I'm a 25 year-old woman married for 2 and 1/2 years to my college sweetheart, but I'm having an affair. When I dated my husband in college I was also unfaithful to him several times. He found out about it and we separated for about a year and then reconciled. I knew that it wasn't our time to get married yet, I did because everything was already paid for and the wedding was just around the corner. I loved him but knew that I had more growing to do as an individual and he did, too. I just kept hearing a quite voice saying, wait, it's just not the right time yet, but didn't listen. At first marriage was great, but then i started becoming dissatisfied when I saw that my husband wasn't taking an active part in our marriage. i was working, paying the bills, cleaning, cooking, etc . . . holding down the fort. I became very dissapointed and decided that I was no longer going to do things for him or us, but just for myself. That's when he decided to change because he saw that I was becoming a different person, but it seems like it was too late because I haven't been able to change things around since. I started having an affair with someone from my job who I know cannot offer me much but he makes me feel good when we are together and takes notice of me. Yet, I know deep in my heart he is not the man for me. At thsi point in my marriage I am very resentful and bitter and want out, yet my counselor tells me that I need to work on my marriage because God hates divorce. I feel like my husband deserves better, someone who won't cheat on him and can tolerate taking care of him. I feel that I can't. I don't want to take care of any man, instead I want a man to take care of me or us to take care of one another, but I am so bitter right now that I don't want any man. My husband nor my lover. I just want this whole ordeal to end and try to repair what's left of my relationship with God. <P>What do you think I should do? Am i wrong for wanting a divorce? <P>Doesn't my husband deserve better?<P>Help.<P><P>------------------<BR>Philly

You say you want to repair what is left of your relationship with God. If that is your true desire your must:<P>1.) Ask God's forgivness for your sins and ask for the strength and the desire to do the other tasks.<P>2.) Stop your affair NOW!<P>3.) Come clean with your husband about your unfaithfulness. Folks on the Infedelity board can help you with the how to's.<P>4.) Continue counseling to repair your marriage. This will not be easy and it is not a given that your husband will want to try.<P>The root of so much unhappiness in marriage is rooted in selfishness. I thinks I heard it in your post as well. A divorce will not bring happiness. It is another example of thinking of yourself. Just get ME out of this mess. Ask anyone who has experienced it, a divorce often brings more problems than it solves and it solves very few. As I look back on my 21 plus years of marriage I realize the times I was the least happy was when I was looking out for myself. The times that I was happiest was when I was focused on making my bride happy. <P>May God grant you the strength and desire to do the right thing here. Trust me He is waiting for you!<BR>

Philomena,<P>Do you love your husband? If so, it would be best to stop the tit for tat game (which I've been guilty of myself many times), for this only stems from selfishness and the desire to hurt the other person back. It accomplishes nothing but sadness and distance. <P>Also, not to minimize God and what your counselor said, but I don't think a couple should solely stay together out of the fear of His reprecussions. Rather, a couple shoud fight for their marriage because divorce is painful and awful and terrible and too easily turned to when the going gets tough. Marriage and its problems help you grow as an individual and together. Marriage holds up a mirror to you like nothing else. And that's why, rather than just get a divorce, you should try to first understand where your pain and actions are coming from. Because until you do understand, the patterns will continue to repeat themselves. Have you stopped to consider WHY you were unfaithful to your husband several times even before you got married? If you can identify what caused you to stray before, you may understand what is pushing you in that direction now.<P>I don't know you so I'm just taking a stab in the dark, but it may have more do with something that is missing in you than with what your husband is not giving you. OR - it may be that there has been something missing all along in your relationship with eachother. Either way, you owe it to yourself and your husband to <BR>find out! And I agree with Mudder, the first step is to come clean. Although it may send things spiraling down at first, in the long run your honesty can only help to heal what is sorely amiss.<P>I wish you only the best.... <p>[This message has been edited by spotlight (edited December 07, 1999).]