I'm new here and I must say how deeply I feel for so many people in pain. I have the need to tell you a little of my story so that I can share my hope with you...<p>Almost two years ago my H had an affair with a coworker who was also the wife of one of his friends. Her husband showed up at my house, crazy with grief, and played me a cassette tape of one of their phone conversations.<p>I was completely caught off guard. I had been with the man for 16 years and thought I had a close to perfect marriage. I couldn't believe it was happening. <p>My husband said he wanted to stay married. He begged for forgiveness. I insisted on councelling...I wanted to know why it happened. I prayed constantly for an answer. I was so ashamed of everything, and the affair became very public after the OW's husband lost it that night. I wanted my marriage to work so badly, both for myself and our son. I had planned so carefully when I was married, and gave everything I had to the American dream. But all through the councelling and our reconciliation I just couldn't get the answers I needed. I continued to feel he was holding something back. I couldn't regain my trust in him when he continued to refuse to discuss our relationship. <p>Turns out I was right...he finally snapped on night and told me he didn't have any feelings for me and hadn't in a long time. He had been lying to me and to himself for years. At first, for a few weeks, it hurt terribly...he wanted to go back to councelling...but I began to realize that I had known all along, for years, that he didn't have a lot of respect for me and that I had been working and striving for something he had quit working for a long time ago. The extra stress had gotten so heavy it was killing me. God was answering me, and the answer was no. <p>So I asked him to leave, and I don't regret it. My son had also felt his father's angst and was not at all unhappy to see the stress dissapated. Afraid of being alone? Let's face it, once they stop loving and respecting you, you're already alone! I had long since set up warm loving relationships with friends and neighbors and I feel they're gifts from God to sustain us through troubled times. The money's tight, but I earn a decent living through hard work and honest efforts and I really, really like myself! I didn't do this. The man I loved no longer exists. I can mourn his loss and the loss of that relationship, but no amount of misery on my part will bring that relationship back. Its time has passed. All of the sudden I could see "pros" for leaving the relationship...lack of stress, mainly, but also new opportunities for me to take classes, join hobby groups, get more involved with the church...all things I had denied myself in order to put more effort into my marriage. God knows when you've done your best. He doesn't intend for His children to be left in denial and misery, but rather to use all His resources to grow and learn peace. My future dreams were interrupted, but they're just going to have to be different now, and I'm looking forward to developing new ones! I am not a failure. The rejection from this one person does not have much to do with who I am. This happens to 50% of people who marry, and they cannot possibly all be in the wrong...<p>I wish with all my heart that young people considering marriage would spend a little time reading this board so that they would understand the necessity of taking care of their best interests, especially in the case of young women who stay at home with their children. I did not do this because my husband wanted expensive toys. Now I am so grateful to have this established, stable career...I full well realize how far ahead of the game I am than some women in my position. Education is so important for everyone, no matter what their age or current financial situation. Things can change so easily..and sometimes it's just plain bad luck that changes it! <p>I want you all to know that it doesn't hurt forever. To everything there is a season, and as Tom Hanks put it, you never know what the tide will bring tomorrow. Make friends, go places, do things...there is a full and beautiful life ahead!

Thank you so much for your post. I can identify with everything you've said. My WS refuses to tell me ANYTHING despite a multitude of red flags, and 7 months of counseling. I feel that WS is definitely hiding things, and just wish it could come out in the open already. I, too, consider myself lucky that I work and am self-supporting. I would feel so trapped if I didn't. The only other thing I wish sometimes is that I had a child. It would be less lonely than it is this way, but on the other hand, I won't have the ties to WS and the child won't have the pain of a divorce. <p>I, too, am looking forward to classes and freedom. For the first 6 years of our marriage, I attended college to obtain my bachelor's degree. I haven't taken any "fun" classes since then because I felt I needed to focus on the marriage. Guess I didn't count on being the only one focused on the marriage.<p>Thanks again for your uplifting post...it's posts like this that give me courage and strength in moving forward.

ooops...posted this in the wrong spot!!

HAVING SAID THAT...I have to say I've come back to this post a couple of times over the last few months when I have needed a lift about how things are going with my own situation, so I hope that someone else gets something positive from reading it also. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing I got myself mixed up with posts today afterall <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thankyou, TNM, for this perspective on things - it helps me often <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

M.

<small>[ October 10, 2002, 07:57 AM: Message edited by: mn ]</small>

mn - Thanks for posting in the wrong spot. I can really relate with a lot of what New Me said. I just started on the boards in March, 2002 so I had never seen this post.
Thanks again for letting me know that this hurt doesn't last forever. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />