How does he continue to have the power to aggravate me? These things are so ridiculous!!<p>1.) He said that if he is going to have to start paying for child care, he is going to take them out of the center I have them in now. Going to petition the court and have it done like he wanted to last spring, he says. His reason? "Conflict of interest." You see, two of my sisters work in the building, and he hates them. Therefore, conflict of interest. I told him "only with you, not with the kids." Our children have been going there for three years.<p>Weightless threat, most likely, I know. He has to have a better reason to move them than, "Her sister is mean to me! Wah!"<p>2.) Like I figured, he didn't get financed and waited until the 119th day to tell me. He already contacted a realtor, he says. He isn't supposed to do anything without me, it's half mine too.<p>I am so peeved. Why is he like this?!

My H tends to deal with conflict by thinking up the worst possible option and declaring it as the solution to whatever problem is in front of us. It used to work. I would try to reason with him and present other options to consider. Nope! He picked the worst possible option and he's gonna stand by it! It took me a while to figure out that he would just be blowing steam on these occasions and he doesn't follow through with his "solutions." <p>Does your H do the same thing? Do you think he really contacted a realtor? Did he even make an attempt at honoring the court order to cash you out? And how thoughtful he is of his attorney, to make sure there's plenty of work to be done there. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] All that money spent on attorneys and time spent in court to complain about paying for half the child care bill! Well, I'm just sure that judge will be on the edge of his seat, interested in hearing every word your H has to say! My goodness. You are just so unreasonable Buttercup. You offer absolutely NO understanding of his difficulties in cashing you out, and then have the NERVE to expect help paying for child care! That's right! Let's just get this all before a judge and see what the court has to say! Geez. What DO they think about? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>There will come a day when his hissy fits won't push your buttons (as much). My H has an anger problem, and when he goes into a snit, he's unreachable. No words, no actions, no reasoning can penetrate. I was talking to a friend last night on the phone who's had some firsthand dealings with my H's fits. (H visited this friend last month for 10 days, which was temporary separation #1.) The trigger was a computer problem, which H dealt with by turning off the computer and unplugging it. Oh, my, what in ingenious solution! Knowing that the problem would still be there next time the computer was turned on, friend presented options to H for a solution. H rejected them all. Nope, he's going to just leave that thing unplugged! I could see how friend was doing what I used to do (i.e., trying to make things right by choosing a solution that actually solves the problem). I used to get soooo frustrated when I failed to reach him. Invariably, the problem would remain unsolved, and I'd waste a lot of time and brain cells trying to reason with him. It was a dance that lasted a long time. <p>Do you fall into the steps of something familiar when he pulls his stunts Buttercup? Somewhere, somehow, there must be a way to stop his antics dead in their tracks. Then they'll stop and they won't chap your hide anymore. Besides, his antics take you on a tangent where you do battle over the ridiculous nature of his "problem solving." Notice how he effectively shifted the focus onto a far fetched court date conveniently in the future and how the immediate problem of child care right here right now is still unresolved. He's real good at changing the subject, isn't he?

Buttercup,<p>Did you check out that www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com website? Also a good resource is www.drirene.com . These two sites outline abusive behaviors that your husband seems to have (from reading your posts anyway). A lot of times abusers do these things just to get a reaction out of you. Because it bugs you.<p>What to do about it? A lot of times it boils down to "do nothing". Work on not letting it upset you. He knows that the children are your "button", and instinctively, if not on purpose, he's going to push that button just to get a reaction. <p>Why does he do this? Abusers live in a reality where the goal is not mutualism and support and doing the best for the children. They may be so self-absorbed that they are narcissist (another term you should look up on the internet). They live to win at all costs. The more he upsets you and the more he gets his way, the more he "wins", which puts him one-up one you. This way, he bolsters his own low self-esteem by feeling good about getting your goat. <p>He doesn't WANT to give you money, he resents it. He doesn't WANT to sell the property, so he delays it. He may have actually contacted a realator, but he will not (probably) move on it until he can no longer delay it. <p>I would continue with YOUR plans - put the house on the market and get your money out!!! If you wait for him, he will just continue to frustrate you. Stopping to consider what he wants is pointless, because he will just use your thoughtfulness to torment you...

no one has to accept anything. If you have legal [a[ers in court (you are gettting legally seperated divorced..right?). You can file a motion to take over the sale of the house, the court will remove your H as having to agree, and simply allow you to sell it and divide the assests. Judges really hate people who screw around with them, and if your H is screwing around with any decrees they will rake him over the coals. If you propose an alternate plan they may very well grant your requerst. Just establish he is irresponsible re the sale of the house, and that may put you in the drivers seat....at the very least they may require him to keep you posted re the sale and efforts being made to sell so you can keep up with (and complain to court) if he is not doing a good job.

Anne & all --<p>I don't let him see my anger anymore. I smile when he "goes off" like he did last night, and offer up FACTS that make his allegations and tirades look as ridiculous as they are. (To everyone but him, of course.) No one can understand how he thinks his ideas are legit.<p>I am sure they are scare tactics. He is scared because his threats don't make me cower anymore. He has lost that level of control over me and therefore feels he doesn't have control of his own life. How unhappy he must be, living with his parents, having lost his wife and custody of his kids, not capable enough of taking care of himself to live in the home we lived in together for seven years. He can't bring himself to accept any responsibility for the reasons for the divorce. He has his mom to tell him, and our children, how evil I am for not being the ideal wife and mother like she is.<p>He used to have my love, he got my forgiveness because it is not for me to judge him; now he just has my pity.<p>I am going to see what I can do online at no cost to promote the property. I will not pay a cent toward the realtor that he took it upon himself to hire... I was given no say in that. I am going to continue to seek his financial help with child care, through Friend of the Court, and ignore his threats to "take them out" of a GREAT child care facility. I know he wants his mother to be able to watch the kids while I work and THAT WON'T HAPPEN.

Princess B,<p>"He is scared because his threats don't make me cower anymore. He has lost that level of control over me and therefore feels he doesn't have control of his own life. "<p>I have come to realize that in MANY affair cases, this is absolutely TRUE. In hindsight from my own situation, I believe that many affairs are the symptoms of people who feel a loss of control in their lives and they use the affair to medicate themselves, by "taking control".<p>You should live your life on YOUR terms and to please yourself. I agree with what the others posted, especially Ann. He hasn't done what he threatens to do, because he doesn't want to. If he does go to court, the court will decide what is reasonable and fair concerning the daycare and the house. I agree with snl on this, the judge would probably not agree with his thinking.<p>You two still have to interact, but your life is for YOU to control, and as long as you are doing the right things for the right reasons, all will work out OK.<p>Desiree