I knew something was wrong. I felt sick doing it but I just had to. My instincts told me that there was something up. We had been together 10 years. We were each others best friend. I picked up his cell phone and pressed "Messages". I felt so guilty but then I heard this woman's voice telling my husband how much she missed him and loved him and couldn't wait to see him again. The whole room started to tilt. I pride myself and being very cool in stressful situations but this was something so uncontrollable. It came up from the pit of my stomach and I didn't know what to do. I went upstairs and confronted him. After some coercing he started to tell me about how they met and how she was everything I wasn't. About how he had never loved me and that he looked forward to planning a family with her. About how they were soulmates destined to meet. That was a Friday. After listening to him go on about what she was and I wasn't, I asked him to leave the house and say good-bye to our two children. He did so, crying the whole time. By Monday I had a trailer hitch attached to my car, a small U-Haul loaded with the basics and I was headed off for home 4500km away. I barely remember the trip and can only think of that scene in Forest Gump when he keeps running - to escape his pain. I just had to get away from it.<p>It's been 7 months now and I beat myself up constantly about taking the children away. They talk to their Dad on a daily basis and see him regularly. He is planning on moving here with the OW in the spring. Since that first selfish act of moving immediately, I have done everything to make sure that the children come first. I have never let them be exposed to my hurt or animosity for the OW and strangely enough my ex and I are getting along wonderfully. He has even shared intimate details of their relationship and relies on my help and advice in his own stressful times. Personally, we speak almost daily. It's so weird.<p>Why am I telling you all this. I don't know. I don't have a question per se it's just that I'm lost. I've read books, I have a good support group, I have a new relationship with a wonderful person but I still can't get past what happened. I felt so betrayed and it was such a dark time. I have/had such self esteem issues. How could 10 years of my life be absolutely negated by a simple statement? I think of myself as a very empathic person. How could this other woman have entered into this relationship knowing how badly she was to hurt my children and I? Does she know how it killed me to tell my 6 year old son that we were moving away from his father? About how he cried and asked me "Why does it have to be this way?". Why did she do this to us?<p>I just need to know why and I know I never will. That's frustrating. You think you have your whole life planned and then the rug is pulled out. I think sometimes that I'm still in shock - in the literal sense. It would be ok if I never had to see him again but we speak daily.<p>Does anyone have anything to share on the subject? It's such new territory and I never thought I'd see myself as a single parent. It's so lonely and scary at times.

Bless your heart. It sounds like Mid Life Crisis on his part. I heard that part from mine, while he was going through his, and he's had another woman, I'm just waiting on him to confess to me, but I know he's not ready yet.<p>I wish I knew what to tell you, but I know I can't tell you anything about single parenting because mine never left, although he threatened to.
Check out this link, read some of the articles, and see if any of this matches what you might have seen and/or experienced before the other woman came on the scene.<p>http://www.midlife.com/sotd.cgi<p>I don't know if it will help you, but my husband literally jumped out of the articles there.<p>In MLC, they are so confused, they don't know what they want.
And being on the receiving end is not easy to deal with. I've been there.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by cab:
<strong> How could this other woman have entered into this relationship knowing how badly she was to hurt my children and I? Does she know how it killed me to tell my 6 year old son that we were moving away from his father? About how he cried and asked me "Why does it have to be this way?". Why did she do this to us?<p>I just need to know why and I know I never will. That's frustrating. You think you have your whole life planned and then the rug is pulled out. I think sometimes that I'm still in shock - in the literal sense. It would be ok if I never had to see him again but we speak daily.<p>Does anyone have anything to share on the subject? It's such new territory and I never thought I'd see myself as a single parent. It's so lonely and scary at times.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi Cab,<p>I know EXACTLY what you are going through--it all happened to me too, only I didn't move away, although sometimes I wish I did. I have been asking myself those same questions about the OW and her selfishness. Unfortunately I was recently placed in a situation where I had to watch an affair unfold right before my eyes between two people I somewhat know. The only good thing is the insight I received from it and the OW. <p>Here's what I've learned: It takes a very insecure person to be an OW. I never realized it before but I know it now. This OW sees the guy's wife crying her eyes out and begging for another chance and yet all she can do is wonder when she'll see him again. She is caught up in the "woe is me" syndrome and is talking about all the anguish she's gone through in her life and how she now deserves a little happiness and it is now the wife's turn to deal with a little despair. Of course the guy tells the OW that his marriage was dead long before OW entered the picture and she either believes it or knows better and just uses it as an excuse to validate her behavior. As a betrayed spouse it is a very painful situation to watch unfold but the insight I am receiving is unbelievable. OW feels as though this guy is her future and he acts as though he is living in the moment.<p>You ask if she cares about your son and his pain and I think she doesn't even think about it, she is too caught up in herself and what she thinks will make her happy--other people don't count, not even a small child who is wondering about his father.<p>I know this post is a downer, but after witnessing these idiots in action, that is all I can come up with. Now it is your turn to live your life as best as you can for your children. Living well is the best revenge!<p>I hope my insight has helped!

Hi Cab...<p>I think I can help with this one! The BS's are not inherently bad, but they've done something they know is terrible. The guilt is tremendous, so to cope, they finally re-arrange history in their own heads to better suit their needs. My STBX says close to the same thing.."I haven't felt the passion for you in years"..horse hooie! MY memory is quite good, and we had a wonderful marriage for a long time. He just can't deal with the after-effects of his own affair! Can anyone say "middle-aged crazies?" <p>He's the one who's lost it, not me. I am going to keep my happy memories of our happy times...just the same as if he died. He did, in a way.<p>But look, I am NOT going to be there for him as an emotional bandaid! He's on his own now! Don't do it! Think of it as tough love...how else is he going to learn? <p>As for the OW, I know one. Or at least an ex-one. She said that she was so wrapped up in her own problems and circumstances that she never thought the first thing about the wife or the children. Now that I think about it, I know two. Selfish and sad, but it accurately describes a good portion of the population after life gets through hammering the s**t out of them...but I have found through my considerable experience that what goes under comes back over! Both of these women paid through the nose before it was over...and so did both of the betraying spouses, even worse! They'll figure it out one day and be stunned...they may never admit it, but I know 4 ex-husbands who did the leaving and I polled them all...ALL FOUR regret it.<p>I don't even want mine back now. But between me you and the fence post, it's ok with me if he comes to regret it!<p>Karen

Just wanted to give you hope... keep coming here and talking its the best thing you can do...we've all been there... and we've made it to the other side...take care of you...!

Hi Cab. I'm back again for a little while, see my other post. <p>I don't know of anyone who hasn't been through the "I never loved you" phase. They are trying to justify all the hurt, and their actions. if they can believe they never loved you, it makes it easier. it took my ex 2 years to decide otherwise, and then sadly, it was too late.<p>My question to you is why do you allow daily contact? Because it makes you feel needed. I know, because i went there too. You cannot have a rich relationship with another person while that continues. Your ex is using you as his emotional sounding board and you are fulfilling a role you always have, while he gets to enjoy his other relationship. He is unable to break away from that contact with you as she is not filling that role for him. If his relationship with her was so fulfilling, he would not need to continue daily contact and discuss personal things with you. In effect, it is a bit like a co-dependent relationship, where you are still fulfilling a role for him, and he is still fulfilling some role for you. This is taking away all your energy.<p>I guess for you, as i did, you will need to decide whether you want this to continue, as he will not end it (why should he? He has his cake, and you continuing to fulfill his other emotional needs is the icing). He knows that your self esteem is low, and i bet his is too. You needing him helps raise that, just as him needing you helps you. <p>Also a really big question ...is it really fair to your new partner that you have daily, unecessary contact with your ex? Should you really be trying to build a new relationship before you let go of your old one? The only way to do this is to increase your self esteem - I went to counselling for 18 months to do just that, then you will realise that you deserve more that this, and you can truly give of yourself to someone else. I could suggest a few other things, but not sure how they would be recieved. Let me know if you want some more suggestions from someone who has been exactly where you are, and managed to move ahead. Hope this didn't sound too harsh, but it took me a long time to overcome the situation you find yourself in, and now my life is very strong and i love it.

I think almost everyone of us on this board had heard the ..<p>"I never loved you"
"I was only prentending all these years"
"I love you like a sister"
"I've never felt like this before" <p>This is because of the FOG...MLC...<p>Keep your chin up... and post and vent here..<p>
s

Thank you very much everyone. It's sad that I am finding such solice in the fact that I am understood and not alone - because nobody should have to go through that pain. I don't want people to understand that feeling. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies. Not even the OW. It was too awful.<p>The mid-life thing seems possible. He is incredibly wrapped up in the physical and can't handle aging. She is much like you would imagine the OW to be. Younger, the opposite coloring to me, etc.<p>I know I should not allow the contact. Most days I hand the telephone directly to the children so that they can speak but sometimes I let him talk. I keep hoping he'll just explain it all but he never will. It's always about him and what he needs. I have to stop being a doormat.<p>Does anyone have any stories about when the ex finally figured out what he was thinking and why they chose to do it? I can't bring myself to meet the OW either. It killed me when the children did and came home to speak about it. Will that ever go away? Why should I have to play nice with her? I have isulated my children from all of that and we talk openly about the fun they had together and I ask questions and get excited for them but why should I have to carry that on beyond the children? I would have absolutely no problem with a new girlfriend but I will never accept the OW in my life. <p>I have another question. For 10 years we associated with all of the same friends. Some of them very close. When all of this happened and I moved back to our home town, people were very supportive. And then my ex came back and introduced the OW to them. Our best friends even invited them to come to their new house before I was ever invited. It sounds so petty, I know, but doesn't it make sense that if they accept her in their lives, they condone what they did to the children and I. I have to get past this. They are wonderful people but it added insult to injury and hurt me deeply. I was already replaced in my husband's life, then I have to deal with thinking she will replace me in my children's life too.

hi cab, i hope today is an ok one for you. I can help you with the story re. the ex, but i am hugely pressed for time at the moment. I have just come back from being away for a few days. I'll get back in the next day or so.
Take care

It's been 7 months now<p>I've read books, I have a good support group, I have a new relationship with a wonderful person but I still can't get past what happened. I felt so betrayed and it was such a dark time.<p>It has only been 7 months, you left, got divorced and are now involved with someone else?<p>You haven't had time to experience what happened. You haven't had time to even try to understand.

I can totally relate to your situation!!!<p>I was married to my 1st husband for 9 years. We were so in love and we had 3 children together. Well...at age 33, he started 'drifting away' emotionally and physically. He worked on a black belt in karate and started golfing and surfing more often...and doing less and less couple and family things. I would ask him, 'what is wrong?' He would respond, 'Nothing. If there was, I'd tell you.' This went on for months. In the mean time, I started suspecting my friend, who's 2 daughters and my kids, all attended the same Catholic school, where we all met.
To make a long story short, my husband was drifting away further, ignoring me and our kids, and I was suspecting my friend more and more. When I confronted my husband and said, 'Please tell me what is wrong! There has to be SOMETHING. Please tell me.'
Do you know what he said to me?<p>His words...'I don't love you anymore like I used to. I don't know why. I don't have another woman. I wish that I did because it would be easier on you if I did.'
I was TOTALLY DEVASTATED and HEART BROKEN.
(I think that I still am, to some degree).<p>Well, after about a year of him coming home late and not even wanting to go to marriage counseling or even to tell me what was wrong (and I KNEW that inside...that 'gut feeling' that he had to have another woman)...well...I told him to please leave and get his own apartment and think about our marriage. I told him that I loved him with all of my heart and I don't want him to go, but...I can no longer live in limbo as we were.
He took 4 months to leave and found an apartment.
One week after leaving, my friend's husband called me and wanted to meet with me. He showed me a note written from my husband to his wife! It was a love note. It turns out, they were having an affair for the past year and my husband totally lied to me about it all!
Worse yet, my friend's husband told me that 'last year, my wife went to your home to spend the night, while you were working at the hospital.' (I'm a nurse). why in the world would my friend's husband keep this information to himself for a whole year!
This is the ultimate betrayal...especially...when it involves your FRIEND! And especially, because we all met at our kid's Catholic school and all attended the same Catholic church.
My husband and I, and the other couple, all divorced a year later and this left 5 kids and 2 adults broken hearted. Not to mention my own parents, sister, relatives, and all of our friends.
This all happended about 13 years ago.
My husband and my friend married a few years later and are still together. I'm not sure if they're truely happy. My daugher, now 21 years old, tells me that last year, her father cried to her and told her how sorry he was that he 'did what he did.' I don't know if he was sincere or not.
Maybe he is sorry...I don't know.<p>Anyway, I caution you to please be careful of falling into trying to replace the relationship that you had with your husband too quickly.
I myself dated for about 3 years, and then felt that I 'needed to settle down' and have a family again. I fell for my 2nd husband, because he was 8 years older than me and seemed like a great guy with one daughter from his previous 16 year marriage. We got married and have a son together, who is now 7 yr. old. We are NOT the blended family that I thought we would be and my husband has been a real jerk to me and my kids. (This is another long story!).
I did not pay attention to some 'red flags' in the relationship. I discovered this web site and think that the concepts are in total agreement with my own thoughts. The problem is that my current husband does not.
So, now I am now seriously thinking of my options and evaluating whether to stay in this marriage.<p>Sorry that this is so long.
I just thought I'd share my own story.<p>Take care,
Kathy

I haven't posted in months, but I do peruse occasionally and your post caught my eye because it sounded so familiar. I'd just like to say that time really does heal all. It's been three years since my (now) ex-husband left. After one brief but otherwise wonderful relationship, I have not been even the slightest bit involved with anyone in nearly two years - and I am completely okay with that! In fact, I am happier now than I remember ever having been. My kids talk to their dad almost daily, and he takes them just like he's supposed to. We speak frequently and it doesn't even seem strange anymore. I don't even get a twinge of anger or sadness when he shows up for baseball games with a girlfriend in tow; it really doesn't matter. One even commented that she can't believe we get along so well!<p>I guess things really do turn out for the best, if we just let go and give ourselves enough time.

My H gave me the old line"I don't love you anymore and that is why I am leaving"......he forgot to tell me that there was OW. I found out three weeks after he left and that was in Aug. We are pretty far into the divorce right now. I still don't want a divorce. I wanted to at least try. He did not.....not at all. The OW consumed his mind and pleased his body when she was here or him visiting her.....she has moved 1200 miles to be with him. She uprooted her son (7) to move here for a married man. My H will never get out of this mess.....even if someday he realizes what a big mistake he has made. He never sees his own kids......the big total from Dec. 17th to Jan 21st....3 hrs. He does go to their games....but they are playing and he is in the stands....there isn't any communication going on. No quality time. He has asked me if they can start visiting him at girlfriend's house. I said NO!!!! He couldn't understand that I don't want my kids around his tramp while we are still married. I have two teenage boys....does he even care that they have said that they do not want to meet her anytime soon??? He hasn't even bothered to ask. It's so disappointing because he was a great Dad. Sorry....I went on...I do believe that these men say "I don't love you" so they can justify why they left....my H even said he had a "laundry list"....I remember saying....doesn't everybody??? You don't go having an A because of a laundry list that can probably all be worked out with some counseling.<p>Anyway.....excuses, excuses......that's what they are making.....
MAx

I disagree that time heals anything. My H left three years ago next month. He married the OW, sees the kids only about 12 hours a month, hasn't worked in almost two years and pays very little child support.<p>Time does not heal. Often, it just gets worse with time.

*Time* heals nothing, in my opinion. The healing, if it is to come, must come from within, and it may NEVER come.<p>Yes, time is a factor, but only if you're moving forward toward healing. Otherwise, it is like a wound that festers. Eventually it becomes so infected that it needs to be cut away to save your life.<p>I speak from experience. I certainly won't go into a detailed explanation of my life (collective sigh of relief from the masses)... but let's just say that I've learned a few things along the way.<p>I do feel, by the way, that the words, "I never loved you" are among the cruelest in the English language. My ex and I never uttered those words, so in that way, I cannot imagine the pain. However, there is inherent pain in "I will always love you" when you still can't work it out.