Hi everyone. I used to post here between about August 1999-December 1999. Not sure if anyone who was around then is still around. You will find my old posts in the read only topics / infidelity under "sosad". I have decided to come back for a while to encourage everyone, but my new name will now be "newlife", as i have made a new one! <p>Reading back over my posts takes me back to a time when i was struggling with my pain and saddness after 6 months of utter mess in my life, with the sudden rejection by my husband after a 16 year (12yr marriage) relationship- 3 children, revelation of an affair early in our marriage, ongoing coverup and denial of a year long affair at the time which ended only after he moved out - while reconciling with me and making plans to move home (including staying at home most nights etc) i walked in on the two of them at his house and finally found out the extent of it. I stopped posting at this point due to the extreme emotional distress that followed. What followed was a confusing 6 months of attempted reconcilliation with him living at home for 3 months, ongoing personal counselling for each of us, discovery of more than 200 email "loveletters" etc, etc, etc. In the end, after attempting to marriagebuild for more than a year I realised that our marriage had been destroyed irrepairably and I was the only one who wanted to really rebuild. He moved out permanently 18 months ago, and we have been divorced for 6 months. This saddened me deeply, but also allowed me to move on with my life. We now have, after a great deal of work, a warm and comfortable relationship in relating to each other about our children, he is a better dad than ever when he has them, i have more personal time than i ever did before, and our children have become more confident, less stressed and enjoy life far more.<p>After a while, i began to force myself to occasionally accept invitations from men to dinner etc, and whist scared stiff, slowly got back into the art of going out socially. I realised that men have the same worries as women when it comes to dating later in life, so we shouldn't be too concerned. I also realised that i didn't need a man in my life to be happy, but they were wonderful companionship once i got over my fears. I continued my own personal development and understanding of life, developed stronger relationships with each of my kids and had a great deal of fun and laughter with my friends and their families. Then,whilst attending a Rebuilding Seminar at our local relationship counselling centre i met a wonderful man and a tentitive friendship was struck over a common interest in music when we were asked to bring in something that represented "moving on" from our marriage. This friendship has grown after the seminar into a beautiful ongoing relationship which has lasted more than a year. Tonight is exactly one year since we sat and talked for the first time away from the group and realised, after sitting for 8 hours straight at my dining room table and not even noticing the time, that something special was about to unfold. <p>I am sharing this to bring hope to those of you who are despairing at the state of their life at the moment - read some of my old posts and you will see that i too have been there and although i supported all the principles of marriagebuilders, sometimes some things are just not meant to be. My marriage did not end lightly or without effort to rebuild. However just because it did end and i was left with the lasting legacy of the effects of infidelity on my self esteem, my ability to trust etc, that life cannot become a beautiful positive place to be again. It takes hard work, time, self reflection, grief and sadness, but the road is worth travelling.<p>If anyone needs encouragement or would like some ideas on how to move forward, books to read, things that helped or just an encouraging word, perhaps i can help a bit. This site was the one place i felt i could come for understanding when trying to deal with my ex- husband's affairs and my marriage collapse, the one place where i felt people understood. It was a lifeline for me and i would like to give something back if it is needed. This is in celebration of my "newlife", hence my new user name i will adopt shortly. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Newlife,<p>Of course I wasn't here back then...I wish more "old timers" would come in and share success stories...It's awesome, to hear these.<p>I do have a question for you though. How'd you keep your number and post but change your name? <p>Thanks.<p>ANNA

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Anna2000:
<strong>I do have a question for you though. How'd you keep your number and post but change your name? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Test ... okay, that worked.<p>You go to "My Profile" and change your "displayed name" and viola!<p>Princess Buttercup<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: Buttercup loves Westley ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Buttercup loves Westley:
<strong><p>
Test ...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>LOL!<p>Okay Princess....How'd you do it? Anne2000 says it won't let her...<p>ANNA

I don't know why it wouldn't work for her ... went to another name and back just fine for me ... ??<p>
NEWLIFE - like the name!! It is good to hear stories of people who are doing well even when the marriage cannot be salvaged. I had no idea the kind of happiness I have was possible after divorce. I have no choice but to look back at my marriage as a learning experience, because it does certainly take TWO to make it and just one to break it, but I'm growing and determined to not make the same mistakes. I've been with my boyfriend for eight months now and we are going strong... very slow, lots of honest talks, fears, challenges, but lots of love and trust. I am a much better person, and parent, and partner, for having gone through this. It sounds like you are as well. Take care!<p>PB<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: Princess Buttercup ]</p>

Hi Anna. Nice to meet you. To change your name, you need to go into your profile and change your publically displayed name. This will keep your login name the same and your member number won't change, but the name you use will. Unfortunately, one side effect that happens is that the name on all your old post's changes too. This is either good or bad depending upon how you see it. It makes it easier for people to search for your old posts by your current user name, but you lose your past identity on previous threads. I have now discovered that all my old posts in the archives have got the user name sosad/newlife, and when i change over to newlife eventually, they will change as well. I don't think the MB administration were aware of this because they asked me to feedback to them what happenened to my name on my archived posts when i rejoined the forum and changed my name - guess they don't have many old timers come back to test out the system!!! <p>The time difference for me is a killer because i live on the other side of the world from most of the folk who post here, so you may need to wait a while for a response. I'm usually tucked up in bed when most people are posting here. Ok during my crisis time when i hardly ever slept, but in my new "normal" life I actually sleep now!!

New life,<p>So cool you are sleeping now at night. Divorce is so far the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life...<p>There's a few old timers that still hang out with us. We all respect and admire them. Most have alot of wisdom to share with us. Just learning is one, Chris is another, Nyneve/Sheryl/New Beginning (she's done some name changing herself) is another, as well as many others...<p>There's a few here that are not from the US either. Ninatoo also known as Jacky is from Australia. She may post more your time, and she is a very special person to know.<p>Thanks for the info on the name. I will pass it on...Someone was having trouble but I think she was trying to change her login name.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Hi.....<p>I remember you... well at least your name. I was lurking at the time and then in 3/00 I believe I first signed up.<p>You have made great strides. I too was the only one working on my marriage. He was heavily involved in the affair... my exh is still with her. Is your exh still with the ow??<p>Yes, I love to hear success stories. I would be interested in any and all books. I'm glad to hear that you've been able to find groups in your area. I have searched endlessly in my area and nothing. There is one divorce gorup but its run by a guy that left his wife for another women. <p>When my h finally left in 6/00... I too stayed away from the board for along time......<p>I so desperately want to get over this pain and all. I don't want to be effected by his phone calls etc... I'll also take any advice..<p>Congratulations !!!!<p>s

sosad,<p>Hi, and yes, I remember you... and what a peaceful life you have built!<p>I was ONLY new_beginning back when you were posting, and when my life changed completely I changed my name to Nyneve. I believe everything old is new again, and when I got married to the new man I had met, I went BACK to new_beginning. HA! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for coming by, and yes, we need more stories like yours too... the people who tried like heck to save their marriages (like I did too), divorced, and forged a new life either alone, or with someone new - BUT SUCCESSES NONETHELESS.<p>Welcome back, and continued blessings as you begin this new journey!!

I have only posted here a few time, and it is so good to hear you are doing so well. My husband wants a divorce, says there isn't anyone else. However, all of the signs point that direction. He travels a lot, so I may never know. I too have tried everything I can think of to save my marriage. We went to counseling once, his heart wasn't in it, and he wont go anymore.<p>I did go back and read some of your old posts. My question to you is, did you x ever wake up and realize what a mistake it was not to work on the marriage? I have a one year old BEAUTIFUL daughter, and I can't help wonder if he will ever be sorry!

Aloha all!<p>I barely remember you as I had just started lurking on this site at about that time. <p>I too feel that even tho this horrible thing has happened to us, there is hope. Hope for a future, for love, for a life. It took me a while to see that tho, but it's finally here.<p>My divorce isn't final yet, but I am kinda, sorta, a little bit looking forward to dating again....although just the thought of it scares the bee-jeeeezes out of me! O well, another new experience....<p>Thanks for coming back to visit us again. And good luck with "Wonderful Man."<p>Aloha,
Ms.O

sosad/newlife,
I'm so glad I saw your post. I am just at the beginning (of the end) of my 16-year marriage. I was the only one trying to save it, and it's been almost a year, my H is "in LOVE" with OW. It helps me to see how you've overcome the terrible situation you were put into. I am moving out at the end of this month, and have been pretty terrified of starting over without my H. Thank you for coming back and sharing your successes with us!<p>MOM

Newlife-<p>What an awesome success story you are! Affairs can do such damage to the BS so it is great to be reaffirmed that divorce is not the end of the world. I myself will be divorced in a month after a year long separation. My WH is a mess, but still deeply in his fog. I am moving on and I do see a brighter furture on the horizon. Stories like yours give me even more hope!<p>K

Newlife,
you are great.
Gave me hope than maybe, just maybe I'd be able to continue with my life.
For now I can't see any lihght and it seems that each day is harder, with more pain.
Can you say some more details, I assume you're younger, have family to help you, at least about kids or money (I live in European country coping with specific money problems+everything else)
How did you succeed to loose love for your ex.
I can't, I love him sill deeply, I sleep (those few hours) with his face in my mind, I wake up with his face, I still send him SMSs occasionaly, get excuses to communicate with him, and can't stand the fact he is so happy and satisfied with a new baby on the way like I never existed.
I'd like to make e-mail contact if you are interested.

Quote from Anna2000<p>There's a few here that are not from the US either. Ninatoo also known as Jacky is from Australia. She may post more your time, and she is a very special person to know.<p>Anna, you make me blush!!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Welcome back NewLife. You have given me a little push on that long road to recovery. I am in a bit of a hard place right now, so not posting too much. Just read your thread because it seemed inspirational.<p>I am curious......are you willing to tell where you are from?<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Hey, great to hear from so many people who are trying hard to start anew. <p>A few more details for those who have asked ... I am 35, have 3 children - Boy 11, Boy 8 and Girl 5. They were 9, 6, and 3 when my ex moved out, and i struggled hard to try to keep things as balanced as i could for them, which was really difficult. And yes Ninatoo, i also live in Australia. This was a bit of a problem when i first came to the board as i had to be up all weird kinds of hours if i wanted to be around when the board was most active (i didn't sleep much as none of us do, so managed it most of the time), and as i worked during the day part- time, this also was difficult. Never the less, this place was a refuge for my at the time. Now, down to some specifics...<p>PB - So great to hear you are also moving on in your life, slowly but steadily. I think what you have said is very valuable - until we look at our marriage as a learning path for each person we learn nothing. What i try to think is that we were both responsible in some ways for the breakdown of our marriage, just that one partner took a way out that was extremely hurtful and distructive to the other. THAT was the thing that they are to blame for, not for the other issues. We both take a responsibility for that, it's just a bit of a shame that we cannot learn and grow together without the destruction of affairs. <p>Anna- I remember Chris as a man with so much committment - I hope he has managed to move on a little - I'll read some of his more recent posts when i get a little time. NB I remember also...<p>Scoick - Hi. I'm glad you started to post back then rather than just lurking - I too did that for a while but it was only after i started to post did i gain the most benefit. My ex is not with his OW - in fact they never lived together as she was married and did not choose to leave her husband. To this day i do not know whether he knew about the affair, and i struggled long and hard as to whether i should tell him (there are some old posts of mine where i talked about exactly that). By the time i had decided that it was the thing i should do, she was already pregnant with their second child, going to counselling and had broken it off with my ex. I did not feel that it would gain anything but hurt for her husband at that time, but i do still struggle with that issue from time to time. The two books that i found to be the most helpful to me were "Rebuilding" by Bruce Fisher, a wonderful book that was recommended to me by someone who had been through what i was going through. You have to be ready for it though. When it was first recommended to me, i looked at it and put it back on the shelf thinking - "that's not for me". I believe now i was in the stage of denial!!!! 6 months later i picked it up again, flicked through it and bought it on the spot. It is about building blocks, that there are a number of building blocks we all have to rebuild before we are healed and whole enough to live a rich life again. Everybody goes through them, but in different orders and stays in different points for different periods of time. Only when you have dealt with each block can you become free and at peace. It is very readable and makes so much sense if you are ready for it. The course i went to was based on this book, however i had already read it before and went along not realising this. It was amazing to talk to other people and realise that indeed, we all have to go through the same stages, just that we do it differently. The other book that helped me a lot was "The dance of Intimacy" by Harriet Lerner. This book is about patterns in relationships and if you are at the right stage, enables you to reflect upon why you went into the marriage that you did, what you learned from it, how you can change that pattern with future relationships. It also talks a bit about relationship triangles, which can be a bit tricky to take in but makes so much sense. The main thing is to read. Even if you have not been a reader in the past, you need to be now. Of all the people i know who have moved forward in their lives, they have all learned to read and try to understand. Even if you only read 1 or 2 pages per night, you will never move anywhere if you do not read and the other thing is to talk to people, even though that is really hard. Not just your friends who will want to give you support and are happy to take your side with things, but to other people, people who you admire where they have got themselves, counsellors / psychologists, anyone so long as they challenge your thinking and cause you to self reflect in an honest way. As the old saying goes ... "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten!"<p>NB - Hi! I remember you. Sounds like your life has taken great strides!!! Are there any posts that you can direct me to so i can catch up on what has happened for you without going through the whole archive? So you are now remarried - good for you. It's a long road, but one that makes us a better person in the long run i believe.<p>dallas - hello. Yes, my husband did wake up out of his fog about 12 months ago, but by then i had grown so far ahead of him that it was to no avail. He regrets most of his behaviour during our marriage and very much regrets our divorce. He still struggles to come to terms with what he has thrown away and believes that his loss and what he has learned is a warning to his friends. He has grown so much in the last year, and i admire him very much for the work he has done on his own issues and his own self. I believe that any long term relationship he had now would be a very rich one and he would be a far more mature partner than he ever was with me. Sadly, it will be someone else that benefits from the struggle and pain we went through, but never the less, i am glad to see him grow into the man he has.<p>Ms O - great to hear someone else is moving forward. Yes, there is love out there, and a stronger, richer relationship based on different values, and created with different communication etc. It is reassuring when you start to date that most of the good guys are as scared of it as we are!! In fact, i had to ask my man out to dinner as he was too shy. I struggled over that for a long time, but knew that we had similar thoughts and values and i didn't want it to slip away. Just be aware though that there are also vultures out there just waiting for newly separated or divorced people as they know that at that point we crave to feel needed and wanted. I actually decided not to date for quite a long time after we separated so as not to fall into that trap. I'll tell you something though - finding a wonderful man who has been through the same thing and who has, like me, learned so much about himself and life is like a breathe of fresh air, and makes for a very rich and caring relationship, different from that which is formed between 2 people who have never had to face any struggles or self reflection. <p>Myownme - love your username! They always are "inlove" with the other woman - my ex now cannot believe that he ever told me he never loved me and that he was so much in love with her. He told me once that he believed that despite everything he told me during the time he was in his fog (most of our marriage given he had at least 2 affairs) after he has had a great deal of counselling he now knows it was only me that he ever really loved, but sadly, it was to late. Keep going looking after yourself - that is something that at some pivotal moment you will see - the need to change your focus from him, to you. that is when you turn a corner i believe.<p>stillreeling - great to hear your story, and that you are not letting it destroy you. The fog hangs around for a long time, even after the OW has gone. Unless they do some self growth, it will be like a cloud above their heads forever....<p>B and D - Where you are at, we have all been. It is a long hard road, you only need to read some of my old posts where i despaired at ever feeling normal again to see that. I have given you some more details at the beginning of my post. Time is a big healer. So is no contact. That is the only way to slowly but surely move on. I had to force myself to have as minimal contact as possible with him except for children's issues, even then i worked out ways that made that less painful. Slowly it became easier. My love for him changed, and now i suppose i love him as a fellow struggling human being, as someone whom i spent a great deal of my life with, as the father of my children, but not as a lover or soulmate. That i keep for my new special man. Time, and deciding to change some of the things you do will help. I will give you some more ideas soon which really helped me to move past that time when i was desperately wanting to share love with him and when i was in real pain and that might also help you, but this post is becoming to long to do that at the moment!!<p>Jackie - Hi. Yes, i too am an Australian. Infidelity, divorce and marital pain is universal!!! Great to see you too managed to find this site. Relationships Australia run a really good Rebuilding course, so does Kinway I believe, if you are interested.<p>I hope i have managed to answer everyone - it's so good to see the marriagebuilders spirit is still alive and well. Sorry this post got so long, but i wanted to make sure everyone go a reply. Talk to you all again soon
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Well, tie me kangaroo down sport!!!!!<p>Another Aussie!!!!!!!!!! <p>Look out, guys, we're iincreasing the ranks!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Newlife, bonnet, danafox and Rosebrook are also Aussies, in SA, ACT and QLD. I am in Vic. Which state are you representing?????? We can't ALL be in different states, can we??? Hehe. We are nearly getting enough numbers to have an Aussie [censored].<p>Take care,<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

This is a really nice post, I hope it doesn't get lost. It helps to answer those "exactly what do I do type questions". I admire the way you have made each person's path to healing okay, whatever way it gets done. I am totally guilty of being one of those who gets stuck and stays there persons. That's important to realize and why professional help is so valuable, or good friends at MB give you an emotional kick in the butt.<p>I want to say something here that may not sit well, just how I feel. <p>I have no children. I don't think that fact made my pain any less or the marriage of any less value - at least not to me. It hurts a lot when you are asked about children and almost dismissed as silly because you don't have that particular bond with your partner.<p>Infidelity in a short term marriage is painful too. I don't know the pain of being in a 25 year marriage and having this happen, but what can I say other than shorter marriages are not so easy to end. <p>Lastly, while we admire those who could do Plan A or B, some of us are not given that option. My H made it clear, this was the end and there was to be no discussion or one minute longer spent together. Other than through an attorney he NEVER spoke directly to me again. That total black-out or blank space is/was hard as heck.<p>Even with all these strikes against me I found MB to be a great source of strength and recovery. I am still around after all these years because I am remarried and I work like a dog at improving myself and marital skill. I owe a lot to Harley, this web site, and each and every poster that has ever passed this way.<p>New Life and Peace to All.<p>IS

Hi Jackie - I am in WA, so can represent a different place from you! Nice to hear from you. I remember Bonnet, she started to post a bit after me in the old days. I'll have to catch up with her posts .... Raenbow/Blackheart and Big Daddy(I think) also used to be Aussies too.<p>Inshock - Hello. I'm glad you found this place, which as you say is a great source of strength and recovery. Just because you do not have children does not make you path any easier, nor your pain any lighter. In fact, when your life first goes into turmoil, it is very difficult to cope with the children because you become so all encompassed with personal pain. I believe this would be the same with or without children. I guess the only thing that would be of some benefit down the road is that you are able to not keep on having regular contact - the thing with having children and an ex spouse, if the anger and pain is still there, it makes dealing with any children's issues very difficult. It has taken me 2 years to get to the point where i can have a conversation with my ex without getting all churned up and having it affect me for at least a day later. They know you better than anyone else and know exactly which buttons to push, even if they do not do it intentionally. Just as we know what buttons to push to get them fired up and in the early stages unconsciously do that because it creates an emotional environment. I could not, in the early stages, understand why my new man and his ex had pretty much no contact at all, except on rare ocassions by phone if there was a pressing issue with the kids - they have 2 children, son lives with him, daughter with his new wife. But after a while, talking to him, he told me that he chose that way of dealing with it for exactly the reasons above, and it has made the road to healing easier for him. I believe that it is the contact that makes it hard, not the children. In fact, having children i believe in some ways makes our path a little easier as we have something to get out of bed for. someone to take to school, feed, bath,etc. It makes life less lonely. That is one of the reasons he believes he has been able to move on more than many me, as he has had to be there for his son. So no, i do not believe your path is any easier because you have no children, just easier not to have contact if that is your wish.
Getting stuck is a universal thing. We all do it. The thing about getting stuck is that one day we have so much pain that we decide the pain and struggle of moving somewhere else can't be any worse that what we are currently feeling and so then take the risk and use the energy to move somewhere else. But don't stress too much, one day you will get so peeved off you will move in a different direction. For some this takes weeks, for some many years. I have learned that over the last few years that we all have to do things at our own pace - Losing a love is like someone dying - we need to grieve and as you would be able to see around you with people who have experienced a death, some move on quickly, some slowly, some seem to move forward and then get stuck or go backwards. It's a very personal thing.<p>Take care all

Sosad,
I am so glad to read that you are in a newlife, that your children are doing well and that their father is able to be that, having taken the steps necessary to do this now. I am so happy to read that you are in a better relationship, which works for you.<p>I visited your beautiful country this past year and saw some of the devestation caused by the forest fires very recently.<p>You may remember me, I found this board at about the same time you did. I am still not divorced, but still moving this process ahead as I am emotionally divorced and have a busy and active life, while WH is still living with his young thing and messing up the kids heads of those that allow this.<p>Since I have done all I possibly could in terms of trying to help them not only deal with all of this mess, but also not buy into valueless and immoral behaviour of WS and his OW,as well as emotionally abusive behaviour, that was not all part of their family life before, I have come to a state of peace in my life. Some are now starting to reject this behaviour and move forward in their lives,forging relationships with both parents, others are very stuck in their need to ally with their father in his throes of adolescent behaviour and narcissistic rage. While this has had a huge impact on their relationship with me, there is nothing I can do but wait for some sanity to return, and be there for the them when this happens.<p>I have learnt so many things about myself, and have thrown off the yoke of his insiduous demeaning way of dealing with people, so am much happier than I have been in a long time.<p>
Take care and nice to hear from you.