Found receits from grocery store out of town...time when he was supposed to be working....
This morning..found him taking number for our cop-office. Asked what number he was writing down...he says really flustered oh nothing honey.<p>I think he is leaving and soon....OW definately
think he is making arrangements with office for rent payments.
Wondering when he is gonna drop the bomb on me this time.
Wonder when he is goona tell the kids...if ever...probably leave it to me to do his dirty work. What on earth will I say...so I dont bash him...when thats what I really want to do..
I cant take much more of this. I am physically a reck...shaking and crying all morning...kids got up and managed to keep it together. <p>I just dont understand how he can blow off his family...what sort of person does such a thing.
I fhe is going where the receipts I found is...its a long way from here...the kids wont be able to go visit unless he comes to get them. Coincidence....no way. He wants nothing to do with us....<p>I am trying to be strong....acted like a lady when he left this morning for work (ya right) asked him if he would like me keep dinner for him...he says na...dont worry bout it....i said aww but you work so hard, I dont really mind what would you like. He was flustered and couldnt get out of here fast enough.
I am determined at the end of it all to have my self respect, if nothing else. I will be lady at all times, even if it kills me.
He will never have a last memory of me as a pleading crying helpless women...dignity is imperitive.
Part of me just wishes he would leave..get it over with..so I wouldnt keep fooling myself, into a false sense that things will get better.<p>Gonna call his mom today and update her..she has been involved and told me she wants me to let her know whats happening. She doesnt understand him either, and thinks its really awful what he is doing. She isnt taking sides...cos she told me he has a right to be happy, as do I, but he is going about it all wrong.
Hope i can get through today...he says he will be back tonight...dont even know how to act when he gets home. Nice...or stay away from him.<p>any advice??? PS posted on another thread..new here not sure if you should keep at same one when things change like this or stay on same one???

KathyMC --<p>I'm very sorry that you're having such a terrible morning. You have a strong will, though, and the determination to hang in and keep on track with your life and your children--that's so vital and important. <p>I replied to your post in the other thread ("I am new here...") but saw your screen name here and I am concerned about you so I'll jump in again. <p>Things seem to be getting worse or at least reaching a boiling point for you. More evidence mounts and your own stress level is very high. You need to take a deep breath and sit down somewhere comfortable and plan--think and plan and anticipate, even rehearse. If you can decide ahead of time what you will say and do and how you will react, some (maybe much) of the impact of the situation can be minimized. <p>You need to protect yourself and your kids from as much mental anguish as possible--planning can be the key. The situation is tense enough already for you; I hear you waiting for the other shoe to drop. What could he say--what and how can you respond? Run it through in your mind, say the words aloud. Try a couple of different scripts. It's not game-playing, it's preparation and focus and minimizing conflict and tension.<p>Please stay with us--we hear you very clearly and we're here for you. We care...<p>Ammon

Hi Kathy, You sound like such a sweet, kind, loving woman. I am going to try to give you some info that has been helping me. <p>First, nothing is final NOW>.... things can change and you do not have to give up.<p>Read everything you can on this site, and please go out and get the book Surviving an Affair... it can really help.<p>You are very smart, to know to act like a lady... not just for you... but that will bring him bgack to you much more than any crying, pleading or begging,... or mean comments, etc...<p>Be kind and and sweet and plan A, it sounds like you want your H back.... for some crzy reason he thinks he needs this other life... eventually, he will see it is not the answer he thinks it is... right now it might be a big disillusion to him, and seem real.<p>Now with the MOM, I would not be giving her all my cards, sounds like she is nice, and my in-laws started out this way... but be careful... BLOOD is thicker than water....<p>Make some new friends here on this site. and find some friends that can really help you through this on your side of the picture.<p>It sounds like you are anticipating something bad... it may not happen..<p>Has he left before? Do you know who the ow is?
He is probably confused... and that is good, I loved your offer for dinner, since he works so hard.<p>Why would he be calling the police, is that what you said?<p>Anyway... take care of you, it will be OK, with or without him... I am sure it will be.<p>You can grow a lot through this site, and all there is here to offer...
Hugs, HONEY
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Kathy,<p>I am going with what Ammon said. I read your first post and this is exactly how my H handled things. Don't doubt yourself or deny what is apparent, even though that's really, really hard.<p>Consider yourself warned (that's what he'll say too), and consider your assumption about his plans correct. I also allowed my H's affair and affair plans to continue without confrontation for several weeks. That is something you need to think about - confrontation. How much longer can you "pretend" and try? <p>Confrontation with facts will change the dynamic of the situation, so be prepared. I was advised here to confront immediately and I was NOT prepared. <p>However, there are things you can do to protect yourself FIRST. I know this seems cold, considering you want the marriage, but DO protect yourself. My screen name should actually be InShock-Afraid-Fool. <p>Affairs are a financial disaster unless you are very wealthy. Right now, start, watching every cent of your money and where it goes. Go over old and new bank statements, credit card statements, and cash withdraws. Make copies or take and hide (REMOVE from your home)ALL paperwork. Mortgage papers, tax returns, bank statements, stock broker papers - ALL of it. Go through his stuff and look for credit cards you don't know about, post office boxes, any thing hidden from you, etc. Lastly, take as much money as you can and remove it from his access. Even if it's only $50.00 or $10.00 at a time, make a little nest egg for yourself and kids.

I would have had a hard time doing this at first, but you are like me and the writing was on the wall. You have kids, I don't. I don't know how old yours are either. I am a child of divorce and it sure is nice to be told something - especially the truth. You will probably have to handle that if your H follows the standard infidel routine we see here so much.<p>Right now while he is living there, get on the phone and set up counsel with the Harleys. Ask your H to participate and even if he does not, do it for yourself.<p>I recall these days being a really anxiety ridden time. You watch the mess unfold. I just wish I had been stronger and had taken what control of the situation I could. Instead, I let it happen to me, around me, until it finally blew up.<p>Take care and take action.<p>IS

Thankyou all for your caring support. Never thought I would get so much.<p>Honey...to answer your questions...my mistake..not police....co-0p office. We live in a co-op.
No, he has never left before. And I have no idea who the OW could be.
I have taken a bit of money out of the bank. And will continue to do so, as long as I can.
I am far from wealthy, but we get by ok.
I have a nursing job..starting Thursday...so once the pay checks start coming regularly, I should be ok.
Just hope i will be in good enough shape by thursday...but work is probalby good therapy in a way....give me my independance, and keepme from dwelling too much. Being an orientation time...they wont expect perfection, and your responsiblites will be limited for a bit. WHEW<p>I dont know what harleys councelling can do for me at this point really...
I have an appt with a councelor Monday....female, registered and charges 80.00/hour cndn.
She sounded ok when I spoke with her on the phone, so I will give it a try.<p>I am going to do my best when he comes home, if even. To be nice, thoughtful, dressed decent etc. <p>This aft. I went out for a walk, did a bit of shopping, then came home and cleaned the basement like a crazy woman. Threw out all sorts of garbage. But for me it was good therapy.<p>Mom called today wanting to know what was happening, so I told her....hope I did the right thing now...but she wants to talk to him to find out what is upsetting him. she told me if there is another woman...get rid of him. said that this behaviour is TOTALLY out of character for him, as he is usually and loving and kind man. So she is really concerned that he is plain confused about his life and doesnt no any other way to help himself but leave. I do agree with her that this is hurting him as much as me...I can see it in his eyes. But not hurting him enough to try and fix things. Just have to wait and see what happens.
I have gone over in my head what to say, if he drops the bomb, and honestly dont know. Probably go numb AGAIN, even tho I knew it was coming.Try and act like a lady as best i can, I cant change him. But he will be loosing a lot more than he thinks he will. He may not care now...but in time he will, and he is not going to be as happy as he may thinks he will be.
I will keep posting...like I said, the support is wonderful. Not in any shape right now really to help anyone, but promise when dust settles I will.
I am around to vent tho...feel free.
Take care all, kathy

KathyMC --<p>I just read your afternoon post and you seem to be doing a bit better today. I'm not at all surprised that you've gotten the kind of support that you have; there's a good bunch of people on this website and many of them have been where you are.<p>I'm just checking in on you and letting you know I'm still around and ready to listen and share my thoughts. BTW, I think it's wonderful that you've got a counselor appointment set up already--a smart move on your part. Let us know how she works out for you. Also, cleaning the basement "like a crazy woman" is wonderful therapy--another smart move for you. See, you are doing smart things to help yourself. I think it's great that you're starting your new nursing job this week-- perfect timing! Of course, the regular paychecks will help a lot!<p>Two of your statements struck a positive note with me; both show me that you're gonna be just fine and that you'll really be able to land on your feet: <p>1. "But he will be losing a lot more than he thinks he will" and<p>2. "He may not care now...but in time he will, and he is not going to be as happy as he may think he will be." <p>I don't even know you but I do know that this is very healthy thinking on your part. I'll wager that what you've said is absolutely correct. You seem like a warmly sensitive and very together person (present circumstances not withstanding!) and your attitude with both of these comments shows presence and great perspective and clarity beyond the norm. In fact, you're coming across as "very much a lady" and a wise one too.<p>Don't feel that you need to "repay" anyone here by helping us right now; it's not necessary. You need to do for you now, regroup and process and rehearse and think it all through. Later, "when the dust settles," you know that we'd love to have you aboard in the Helper Mode. <p>Hang in there and update us anytime. We continue to be with you and continue to care. Thoughts and Prayers to you...<p>Ammon

Once again...thanks for your words of encouragement.<p>last night he got home at 1200am. Just before he got home, my daughter was asking some questions as to why he was always working, and he never wanted to spend time with her. I knew it wouldnt be long before this started. <p>so I was calm, and gently told her, that dad works too much, always has...this shouldnt be news to her, she said no, but I am mad at him. Told her I understood, but not to talk to dad about it just yet....talk to her councelor at the group home she is staying at. (they know whats going on in detail) If I didint mention before....daughter is in group home because she was sexually assulted a couple of years ago...trie to commit suicide last year...and was into cutting and prostution. All stems from her self esteem from being assulted. So we put her there...with her all for it, to keep her safe, and get the therapy we couldnt give her. She comes home everyweekend. and her discharge date should be march...but depending on what happens here may have to be longer, as she may take it really hard. <p>Getting back to the original talk we had last night. I told her that whatever he is doing that in the long run its his problem, and not our fault. Choices...which is something she really realates to from her therapy...so she said, so there will be consequences for this...said I would imagine at some level there already are...but just dont hate him, he is still your father, and try and understand that its NOT your fault or any other family members fault. We cannot change another person, they have to do it themselves. told her I wouldnt work that way...thinking she may be worried that cause I am taking a new job..more demanding etc, I may do the same thing. Assured her that she and my other two kids come first. BTW kids are B 21 D 17 S 14<p>She seemed ok with with the conversation and went to bd.<p>I did save him dinner, which he ate...I came downstairs and said to him wow...your working hard long hours...you look exausted. He said I am, and that was all.
He looks haggard, tired and depressed. Axious...constantly jiggling his leg. Kept looking at me out of the corner of his eye.
Didnt bring up what I discovered, cos I want to run it by marriage counselor tomorrow first. See what she suggests. maybe put in saftey plan after i tell him or something. I dont know.<p>This morning he was up at 800am, still looks horrible..told him he looked tired. Mentioned I was looking forward to my new job, (just to make converstaion) he didnt say too much, so I didnt pursue it. Just watched this movie that was on. I didnt put it on,,,was already on the station, and neither of us bothered to change it. "when a Man loves a Woman" how wierd is that...
He went back to bed before it was over...didnto go up and see if he was ok. Just leaving him alone.
He did say, he is droppping me of at the DRs tomorow morning as I have to get a TB test for my new job. Thanked, him and said it was nice of him.
dont know what I am going to do the rest of the day....one minute at a time I guess...maybe clean somemore, I may look composed on the outside, but my insides feel like they have been run over by a mac truck. Then tension is awful....kinda waiting for him to say something.<p>Is it possible,,,,that cos he looks so awful that he may be reconsidering things and just doesnt know what to say having said all the stuff before, and with him having something going on out of town. Is really messed up now...cos I am not angry at him, am being nice to him. being a lady ( I promised myself that) Am i making matters worse, adding fuel to the fire so to speak or has it got him thinking???
For some stupid reason I feel better when he is here than not here??? Strange given the level of tension.
Thanks all.....
ps. gonna mention this site to my DR. in case he has pts. going through marriage stuff...its great support.

Kathy, Keep being sweet and nice- it may keep him from leaving... I am sure he is confused right now... My Husband starting picking fights with me/.... after the A got going... I got suspicious and started to figure things out... confronted him and he lied, and then more confrontations, arguements, and lies... finally when the evidence was just too much, and glaring in both of our faces, and he knew what I knew .... he felt he had more freedom to just do it... and he got meaner,a nd we fought more... well guess what... I had given him what he wanted, a reason to leave... why shouldn't he leave that b=== of a wife.<p>You are doing great... think about what he needs, what you did for him when you were dating, and what made him fall in love with you// this is plan a... NO arguing, no confrontations, just be loveing and kind, even if he tells or confesses, be understanding loving and kind- I know it sounds crzy, but it will work! She won't be so well rehearsed, and eventually you are bound to clearly be the better choice... as oppossed to the ow.<p>I am tired and need to go... I just got home... and spent the night at my husbands house with our kids... he is starting to come back from the great beyond... but not home yet...<p>He and the kids are going fishing with his single male neighbor today, my 2 boys are 3 and 9... so I am home to clean and stuff myself today... and may have to go into work for a while... missed church, which I really need right now... and has given me more strength in this rough time... <p>The ws's are really needy and confused, you are right about that... mine is just so confused - CONFUSED is good.<p>They really do not want to leave... so do not give him a reason to.<p>I'll ck back in later. Tread carefully.<p>HUgs, HOney

HOney...you must be exausted spending the night at h house with kids....STRESS or what...hopefully he will come back....really like the term "great beyond" thats about where they seem to be. Get some well deserved rest.<p>Am being nice...didnt know being nice would be so tiring....when he got back up, I cheerfully asked him if he had a good sleep...he was pretty groggy..made him a coffee....offered to make him something to eat...which I havent done in ages..he usually fends for himself (my fault I guess) anyway....siad no thanks...then half hour later..he asked me to make him someting...so I pleasantly did.
Let him know that I am excited about my new job...
(I am too, but a bit scared that a bomb may drop and I will be in no shape) he isnt saying too much one way or the other. So now I am attacking the basement backroom...clean it up and get rid of a lot of junk....keep out of his way. dont want to be near him all the time...cos it really hurts to look at him and KNOW he has been lying to me.
I will keep updates...take care

This is just getting to be too much.
daughter was mad at her father cos he didnt want to spend time with her and she was complaining to him about never being here. I am trying to back off and give him space...she is putting pressure on him. Cant he figure out the difference between a child and a wife. He seems like anything asked of him is a burden. He went to the store...voluntarily, made dinner. I stayed out of his way, cleaned AGAIN like a mad woman.<p>Went and got TB test for work. God my meds renewed that I had THROWN OUT..geez, I am not thinking at all. Think I may have thrown out some jewellery too...by mistake. CLeaned everything, drawers, cupboards, basement, storage, and I guess grabbed a bunch of stuff I thought was garbage, but wasnt and tossed it. Guess it could be worse...DR repeated my meds...felt pretty stupid explaining something like that tho...especially being a nurse...I DEFINATELY know to be careful. But guess at the moment I was just in a frenzy.
H drove me to DR appt. and said he wouldnt be late...asked him if he wanted me to make him dinner...he asked what we were haveing, told him didnt know, but wouldnt be leftovers from last night. He said sounded ok, so I told him I would make dinner for 900 pm...told him that kids never home to eat so I may as well eat with him as I was tired of eating dinner alone. So I will have to see what happens.
He hasnt said anything, about anything, I have just continued to be nice and pleasant.
I punched him in the car on the way the DR...game we play with kids..for seeing VW....he punched back and jokingly said..."you didnt say no punch backs." Dont know if it means anything or not, but for that one split second, it was nice.
Have councelling appt at 400. Think I will go even if he wont...just to show the kids I tried. They will ask such a question I know they will, and who knows...that in itself may help them, and all of us. Nothing to loose at this point.
H doesnt know about appt. Kept it too myself for now.
Praying a lot, more than I ever do....always believed, but just got lost somewhere...what with work kids etc. Hope He is listening. <p>I found good article on detachement...think I should post it for those who are needing to understand it???