Hello All, <p>I'm new at this post but I've watched it for almost a year now. I finally decided to write something maybe it will help someone. I and my wife are still married but separated now almost 1 year, IN Nov 2000 while in same house Wife started having EA, never proved until Jan 2001, I lost good paying job due to the emotional affects to many mistakes on the job, she moves out,she separates Mar 1, 2001, divorce filed by her in Oct 2001 currently filling out papers for agreements of child support and personal assets no lawyer involved. I truly Love my wife togther 21 years, married 18. This is long but you may find your spouse here also.<p>My experience has been a wild and painful ride. In early Nov 2000 I first noticed excessive computer time, always checking email at odd times frequently, closing the screen when I came near the PC, extra time at work, distant communication with me at times. I knew nothing about affairs at this time im totally ingnorant and naive at this point. <p>After All this activity I noticed and I asked oneday, what are you working on, her anwser was a work project and because of new PC's being installed at work they cannot access email yet so she has to check it from home and she said she is corresponding with someone in the evening while they're oversea's on a company projectits cheaper, even said there name, I said oh, ok. I went about my business and did'nt suspect a thing. Later in the month of Nov I still notice activity but more intense, I'm starting to feel it emotionally now so ask I ask her oneday I feel something strange is happening but I don't know what. She turns at me and says "HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF SUCH A THING, WHATS YOUR PROBLEM?!!!" At this point a feel like slime and smut that should be in the sewer, so low I could walk under a door and I go to God and repent and say how sorry I was for the false accusation and even thinking such a thing and I aslo apologize to my wife and ask forgiviness.<p>Boom!! Nov 28th 2000 - Wife tells me she wants a divorce I am dumbfounded, I am lost for words, I'm in shock. At this point I don't have a clue what is happening, I then do the beg and cry thing, I'm trying to find out why, I rushed and bought her flowers, called her more often, all the dating thing, here's a byte of a letter she wrote, I found latter year 2001...
"Im not the wife you need. I feel awful because while I may have been her, I've changed, and you've changed. With each effort I make to become her I dislike myself that much more because its not who I've become. We have many different idea's about things.I feel bad enough that I've made you so unhappy. Believe it or not, I do hope you find that special someone who will bring you joy into your life again" I'm not in Love with you any longer were not teenagers anymore, we've change, I love you but I'm not in love with you.<p>Now all that sounds sincere and good, but what I didn't know at the time was that she was in an Emotional Affair over the Internet and her Cellphone when this was written, this is a typical divorce exit line WS's use trying rid there guilt " you'd be better off without me" " find someone that makes you happy, on and on"? Her ending of the marriage occured long before she acted on it, thats why we the Betrayed Spouse are caught of guard and in shock. I've learned that a man or woman cannot swingout of a marriage unless they have something to swing to.<p>Me personally I 've gone through a lot self correcting of myself up till today and she has noticed the change, I admit my role in her discouragement was such as, not trying to impress her or date her, neglect in home matters where I should have been more of a leader. Its not all fixed yet but I'm working on myself. With all my change She's slowly losing the reason why she wanted a Divorce.<p>While she says these many affairs have not been physical, I've seen her go in and out of them, I've seen other men drop her, tell her what they think about her Good or Bad, the bad is awful Its hard to hear another guy say those things about my wife but I guess its there preception of her, therefore change must take place in her, its interesting when an outsider says the same thing you've been saying about her of course thats the baggage they carry the WS. In the beginning we went to counseling with our pastor who specializes in this area, the last session we had April 2001 she confessed it all to me and the Pastor and his wife before God, cried, looked me straight in the eyes, said how wrong it was to do such a thing, she was sorry. Discovered 5 days later after that ,she goes and buys 1 of her lovers a jersy [guy number 4 at this time a married man], her response was " Do drug addicts stop immediatly when they decide to come clean??" of course I said not always.<p>She then says she does not want to be with me its over and were divorcing its now April 2001. She makes a secret attempt to go fly out of town to see 2 guys in 2 diff cities same state. Obstacles begin to happen days before the trip, I'm dumbfounded at all the activity thats happening to stop her, I'll never forget that time, I know the Lord was warning her.......she did make it out of town but did not see the guys, she saw her cousins instead but was is dispair and despression the whole time she was there and she couldn't sleep at night, she came back looking worn out like she had wrestled with someone.<p>Just to make a long story shorten, I've learned over time, Chasing them turns them off, begging is worthless, contention and strife hurts you only, quoting scriptures they turn a deaf ear, As far as letting go - I treat her as pertaining to a drug addict is the best way, they have to fall to the point were they say they have a problem, even after 8 guys, soon after I decided to move out of state 1,500 miles away, 2 months later Sept 2001 she says " I really thought about putting it all back together [marriage] and trying to work it out" but its to late now". She also said after not talking to her for one month after moving out of state " Why Did you leave me"?? Why did you do that"? Why Did you betray me"? she says, I'm thinking what?, well at this point she has few men lovers she shares internet porno with and also turned our kids against me none of them speak or call, prior to this we were a close family. Therefore I moved closer to my family out of state.<p>Oct 2001 - she files for D...pauses for 3 months until Dec 31st wrestling with it I'm pretty sure. This was interesting when I found out she filed. I told her I was'nt stopping her or standing in her way, I said if you want YOUR divorce and Make me do something I don't believe in and forcing me to sign something against my will I'll do it then since this is YOUR divorce and Not mine.<p>Of late if seen my wife go through this - <p>Self- digust - Do you think I tried to do all that stuff?
Impatience - I said I was sorry what more do you want from me. Now the " im sorry" was from april 2001 guy number 4 not anything after that about guy 9,10,11.
Isolation - I'll call my husband.

If they feel justified and are upset about been caught they will be more belligerent or at War.<p>Jan 11th I'm served with papers, I tell her I got the papers, She responds, "You don't want me", I said sure I do, she responds "why do you want me??what made you think you were meeting my needs?, you did'nt hold my hand in public or go places and spend time with me. Now I admit to this ..."guys I lost my MALL zeal" you know the thing of going around a rack 20 - 40 times same store, hey it turns them on, learn from my mistake. Hold her hand in Public she must be excited about you!!<p>The lastest words from her " you need to learn of and about the guy who will be coming around your daughters 16,18. Now this latest guy is number 11 he answered her cellphone 3 weeks ago and said she belonged to him now and I messed up and he threaten to kill me and she was sitting next to him while he said all this. <p>Yes, I was hurt, crushed, mad, jealous. I've only read email, responded to these guys, heard conversations via voice mail, but I never spoken to any live voice. Its a new territory now to know my wife will actually be in the arms of another man also around my kids, but I will make it through it, I've come this far in 14 months, the divorce should be final in March 2002. I 've tried to cut her off, but everytime a relationship is on the low, she calls me and talks for hours? She loves to here me say I love you at those times, shes turned on at the moment but never says I love you in return, she is very bitter right now though.<p>I know she is very confused and feeling very guilty right now. She is a victim of childhood sexual abuse at 13yrs old. I kinda feel she is acting out, each guy she meets is always meet with sexual talk at the forefront on the internet, she does meet people on the Internet and later goes out with them specifically if they work close to her. She goes out after work. Therefore I'm hanging there, she is the type that if you say that the electric fence is on don't touch it, she will purposely go touch it just to see it she can break your words down by her will. Its hard to accept these guys coming around my kids though knowing they're sexaul perverts. But that at the age of knowing right from wrong and could chose where they wanted to stay, but I try not to down my wife to them, they look up to her. She is a good woman but lost and confused right. One comment my Pastor told me to give me hope was, that she was way out in left field with her thoughts when he counsled with her last year, he was really concerned, her jugdements were off and real self-centered, priorites way out of order.<p>
After regrouping and refocusing I am back in my field making more than I made before, however recovery is progressive. If you have any comments they are welcome....Thanks!!<p>As far as my kids go, I tried to talk to them weekly and keep the line open, even though its a oneway conversation, they carry a lot of her anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. Lately wife said she told the oldest its wrong to feel that way towards you Dad and that this was between her and I, wife.

Actually your post did help me. Not because my H is having internet affairs or addicted to porn but because he is IMHO addicted to the idea of his OW. Up til now, I would have taken him back in a minute, immediately forgiven. But that's just me. I see a miserable shell of the man I once knew and like you, it is hard to shut them out completely when you know you aren't dealing with the true personality they once had.<p>As for your situation, I am very sorry. It does appear that your wife has gone too far. You deserve better. It is great that you love her but you also need respect from her. She does not respect you as she continues to do all these things. I am very sorry about your daughters. Did any of the cyber sex turned physical info come out in court? Did this not affect the judge's order?<p>Personally, I'm stuggling with letting my H completely go. My divorce should be final by summer, I filed in 9-01 after 6 months of limbo. I needed to get on with my life. I wasn't ruling out that we would reconcile, I just knew the old marriage was gone and it was never coming back.<p>I don't know you and I don't know your wife but it sounds very similar to my situation. She pushes you away, hurts you, humiliates you by flaunting OM around you and your children, then when she needs you or she needs to feel safe, she runs back to you reeling you right back in where you don't need to be.<p>I know, I do the same thing. I allow my H to give me hope when I know there really is none. He just has to cling onto me, preventing me from moving on, so that I'll be there for him when he needs me. Well, what about my needs? What about your needs? It seems neither of us are getting our needs met. <p>I am not a selfish person. I am a Christian and I have tried for a year to forgive, make excuses, turn the other cheek, etc. However, we are not responsible for our spouses happiness. They are along with the grace of God. I tried to make my H happy. I kept the peace, handled everything, etc and ultimately lost him because I never allowed him to grow up and suffer the consequences of his actions.<p>This is just my 2 cents of course and I may be way off base, but you truly sound like you have made improvements that will allow you to have a better more productive NEW relationship. You cannot make excuses for your wife's behavior just like I can't for my H. Whether we like it or not, they have sinned badly against God. We are all sinners I know but they are showing no remorse and not desire to turn from these ways.<p>Your wife has put herself in a dangerous position. Both mentally and physically. She may not see that because she is so caught up in it, but you can see it and avoid getting caught up in it yourself.<p>The paper doesn't make you married. Your vows in front of God and witnesses do. She has destroyed that. Let her go. Move on with your life doing what makes you happy. I used to say that making my H happy was what made me happy. I'm having to change that way of thinking and so should you.<p>Lean on God and Godly people like your pastor. Post here often, it is a great source of strength for me and lots of others. Truly MB is a gift from God.<p>Good luck and God Bless,<p>PP

PeoplePleaser -<p>Thanks for the encouragment, yes its been tough and I do need to move on, I do think I make excuses for her behavior I guess because I feel partly responsible for making her feel rejected. She does throw me back from my progress and cause me to re-live it all over again when she's on her high, at those times its "why are you calling me?' Are you tracking me?'. The low times in the affairs she wants to know all that is going on in my life its like she is comparing me to them to see if she is doing the right thing, but also making sure she keeps in touch so she can run back, Yes, she does see me as a security anchor, thats because she knows she can't find the Love and Support I gave her from anyone she's meet so far, they only meet 2 needs right now. As far the affair issue in court, in a No-Fault state that don't matter, the laws could careless who did what. If you want free you just file no questions asked.<p>Your 2 cents was correct, I have made improvements that I could go into a New relationship however I know I would still be somewhat crippled from all of this. The Lord has done a lot for me, most of 2001 and 2002 has been a time of restoral for me of all that I lost. I feel I went through a JOB in the bible experience, I just want to continue to heal and to work on me and focus on becoming financially well off, therefore when I decide to venture that way at least I have more to offer a mate, just like Job he had double everything later. Having to pay child support has really pushed the entepenuer out in me.<p>My Testimony**<p>When my wife started to have multiple EA's she buried me in the caves and I stank in her eyes,she was gone, what she didn't know was that Jesus was already on his way weeping and moved the stone and said "son come Forth!!" I got up and started walking a new man, and in her eyes she could only say where did he come from I thought that was the low life scum bag I buried in that cave back there, he's different, wow. You see Jesus cares for you he will raise you up again if you allow him.<p>Even though my wife filed, I made sure I turned every rock and gave it my best shot, which I did, therefore I feel ok of letting her go, probably could have happened faster but you try to hang onto who they once were instead of seeing them as they are, I know in her case like some WS's she will have to be in the arms of another man when she finally wakes up and see I wasn't all her problem after all.<p>My wife is a believer of 17 years she said she wanted to be who she was weather "good or bad" this is just who I am. Which also she said she did not want NO christian husband. She blamed me for people calling on her to sing in church she has alot of resentment about that,why? because I encourage her and she became outstanding. She has a lot of resentment about her current profession which most people would die for, Why? she says its not what she wanted to do but I encourged her and she became sucessful making double what she made before. She hates the state she lives in, why? because she wanted to move near New discoved family in another state and I wouldn't go unless I felt impressed to go, I wouldn't go because they are the party, fastlane,etc....type...<p>Anyway Thanks for the encouragment.