It's been so long since I've posted here I feel like a stranger but I've been working through some issues and really needed a place to hash them out so here I am.<p>Arik left to go to California at the end of November and has been gone since.
Life has been going on at a steady pace and I feel pretty good about myself and my life at this point.
I have found myself in tears on some occasions but I think this is more a mourning of the loss of the marriage or the ideal marriage that I had envisioned so long ago ( and had hoped and strived for for so long) than it is missing Arik ( I feel horrible for saying that - but I do believe it is true ).
The kids seem to be doing o'kay. They miss their daddy and sometimes get mad at mom because he isn't here ( who else is there to get mad at right? ). I think our 6yr old son is having the hardest time dealing with things right now and his way of dealing with things is getting angry, but we are working on and through that. I hope to get him (actually all of them )into some sort of counselling soon.<p>As for me, I get angry sometimes too.
Angry that I (or we rather) will be just another statistic.
Angry that my husband cheated on me and was still holding thoughts of OW well into our "recovery".
Angry at myself that I couldn't "fix" the things that went wrong.
Angry at him that he couldn't "fix" it either.<p>I have come to the conclusion that even though it may not be completely fair, I don't want Arik to come back because I don't want to live in fear that perhaps one day he will let his anger get the best of him and he will rant and rave and throw things again.<p>I feel like I have let myself down, my parents down, my kids down, Arik's family down. Divorce was never meant to be part of my vocabulary, visitation, child support...
I feel like I have failed even though I know I tried as hard as I could and for as long as I could...sometimes the feelings just get the better of me.
Anyway, enough of that.<p>I have been working almost since Arik left at a local airline as a reservation agent.
I really enjoy it. The people that I work with are great. The hours are long but the shifts are nice ( rotating shifts of 4 days with 12 hour shifts and then four days off ).
I have a lot of family support. My brother helps me out with child care in the mornings and evenings that I work. ( I am really blessed I know ).
So that is a bit of an update for those that are familiar with my story.<p>For those that aren't here's a synopsis:<p>D-day October 7th 1999
H went away for a few days came back (October 10th) and confessed to meeting OW while gone and becoming physical.
Affair ongoing for at least 7 months quite intensely. (all emotional as they lived 1000 miles apart).
Ongoing emotional and verbal abuse during entire marriage (12.5 yrs) which intensified during stressful times.
Decided to separate in May of 2001
H left in November of 2001
We are now about 3000 miles apart ( I am in Northern BC he is in Northern California)
3 children D-10yrs S-6yrs D-4yrs
