HI, I'M NEW. DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. MY WIFE HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH TROUBLE TIMES THE LAST YEAR. I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT SO I WITHDREW WITHIN MYSELF AND THE KIDS. SHE TRAVELED ALOT AND I STAYED HOME WITH THE KIDS. LAST NOVEMBER 2001 SHE WANTED A DIVORCE BUT WE DECIDED TO GET SEPARATED. SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO TRANSFER TO NEW YORK AT THE END OF DECEMBER. SHE LEFT ON THE 28TH OF DEC. AND THAT SATURDAY THE 29TH, HER BROTHER TOLD ME OF THE AFFAIR SHE HAD BEEN IN FOR 9 MONTHS. WOW! I HAD A FEELING SOMETHING LIKE THAT WAS GOING ON BUT HOW CAN ANYONE HAVE A AFFAIR LONG DISTANCE LIKE THIS, THE GUY WAS IN NEW YORK AND TRAVELED TO NEW ORLEANS ALSO. YES, THEY ARE CO-WORKERS. ALL OF A SUDDEN THE TRUTH COMES OUT ABOUT A TRIP SHE TOOK TO RHODE ISLAND IN NOVEMBER. IT WAS NOT BUSINESS AS SHE TOLD. I HAD ASKED HER BEFORE SHE LEFT "HAD SHE BEEN FAITHFUL" THREE TIMES AND THREE TIMES SHE LIED. I FELT DEVESTATED, ANGRY, HURT, AND MOST OF ALL ALONE. SHE HAD PICKED UP HER LOVER THE DAY SHE LEFT AND THEY BOTH DROVE TO NEW YORK TOGETHER. THEY HAVE EVEN SET UP HOUSE THERE. HE SUPPOSEDLY LEFT HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER OF 14 YEARS. MY WIFE AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 4 YEARS AND HAVE A 3 YEAR OLD. HER 3RD CHILD, MY FIRST. I WAS HER 4TH HUSBAND, SHE WAS MY 1ST WIFE. SHE IS 39 AND I'M 43. ALSO, SHE DIDN'T TAKE A TRANSFER, ONLY A LEAVE OF ABSENCE AS I FOUND OUT FROM HER BOSS IN NEW ORLEANS. I LOVE THIS WOMEN BUT IT'S LIKE SHE HAS FLIPPED OUT FROM REALITY. SHE LEFT HER DAUGHTER WITH ME AND AT MY INSISTANCE SHE IS TO RETURN FOR HER THIS WEEKEND AND TAKE HER BACK WITH HER. I FEEL SO SORRY FOR WHAT THE MUNCHKIN IS GOING TO BE GOING THROUGH BUT SHE IS NOT MY DAUGHTER. I FEEL I MUST PROTECT MY SON AT ALL COST. I HAVE SINCE FILED FOR DIVORCE EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT THE AFFAIR WILL NOT LAST (OR WILL IT, THAT'S MY QUESTION). HE SUPPOSEDLY IS VERY WELL OFF AND SHE IS NOT AT ALL BUT SHE THINKS HE WILL PROVIDE, SHE'S NOT THINKING ABOUT WHAT HIS WIFE IS GOING TO DO. PLEASE HELP. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Sorry your going through this...not really sure what to say other than read up on the MB principles on this site..if you want the marriage to work..but you filed for divorce..so soon
so it may be hard to do a plan A..you seem to have reacted out of hurt and anger..without taking time to think..<p>Have you considered trying to get custody of the daughter too..even though you didn't adopt her..
you may still have that option..ask your atty..
that will be very hard on your son to lose both his mom and his sister..and hard on the daughter losing both a dad and a brother..so maybe it's something you can look into??

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Here we go again boys and girls.<p>Lost in New York,<p>The above statement is not to take away from your pain and shock. You will learn that the WS (wayward spouse) from each marriage acts in strikingly the same manner. Somebody around here must have the script. They all say the EXACT same things; verbatim. "I love you, but I am not IN love with you." Garbage like that.<p>Two things.
1. Turn off the ALL CAPS. It is very difficult to read and is the equivalent of shouting on the Internet.
2. Most importantly. Read this thread.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000940<p>You've found the right place. Read everything you can find. Read the above thread. I've been there and done this. I have a WS XW.<p>Kevin

Thanks to all. I have a new problem now. My wife is planning to fly back Sunday to spend a week with her mom and she expects to have time with the kids. My little boys birthday is the 26th his (3rd). I talked to her this morning and she thought his birthday was this Sunday(the 20th). WoW, she is CRAZY, forgot her own sons 3rd birthday. I have had to got straight to Plan B, sorry, but it seems to be working. She is not speaking angry to me, as I hear her voice. It was like everything was my fault at first. Now you must understand, this woman has had an affair for 9 months, thats 9 months of planning and lying to her's and my families, our kids and me. What am I to do about letting her see my little boy or yet spend time with him while she is here, he doesn't even want to talk to her on the phone. I try to get him to talk to her but he just won't. He always says "where you going" to her. It sounds like from her that she is expecting a big celebration for her return and that she has come to save the day and that she has done nothing wrong. I don't expect her to return FOR GOOD or anything like that but it sounds like she thinks this return is for her good, and not ours. I dread this. How should I handle this birthday party? All her family and my family will be there and then there is my wife. I feel like she will ruin this for all of us. This birthday is for my son, not a celebration of her return for a week and then she take her little girl away from her brother and from me. How can she do this, what should I do, and how should I handle this.

((((Lost in NY)))))<p>I'm sorry that you're here.<p>Read everything you can here and post and vent HERE!!<p>Another book to tead is Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson.<p>other websites.....<p>www.divorcebusting.com
http://www.affairs-help.com/<p>I don't know what will work for you in your situation..... just gather all the info you can.<p>remember...Take Care of yourself.... also read what others have written to you.<p>Blessings,
s

I have had to got straight to Plan B, sorry, but it seems to be working.
Why do you have to go straight to Plan B? Did you send a Plan B letter? How about posting a copy of it here for some pointers?<p>What are you doing in Plan B different than you were?
How do you know it is working?<p>How long have you been in Plan A? At least 6 months, I hope.<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</p>

Well, there is a lot going on there. I'm sorry for your pain. I'll offer a few suggestions and a few questions.<p>1. What was her brothers attitude? Is she supported by her family in this, or did he show sympathy for you?<p>2. I don't like to make armchair generalizations, but if she is exiting her 4th marriage in this irresponsible way, there would seem to be the hint of some serious psychological smoke in her background. What do you know about her childhood?<p>3. In answer to your question, I think it is probably highly unlikely that she will marry this guy as husband number 5 and live happily ever after. They ran away to play house and now children and lawyers and shame and condemnation are coming a-tumbling after.<p>I think your best avenue is to sort of be extremely calm, be a great father, don't burn any bridges or do anything except the minimum necessary to protect yourself legally (protecting custody of your son, address this issue immediately)and financially (joint bank accounts, etc). Look upon this as temporary insanity, and let events play out. It is highly unlikely that these two are going to settle down into a stress-free life together.<p>As to this birthday party and seeing her son, I would want to get some legal advice. Perhaps it would be more appropriate to let your W have a small celebration with you and your son (I wouldn't let him out of your sight if I were you) rather than risk a large social event with emotions so raw right now. Given her erratic behavior, I would be concerned about whether she may have plans to take both children back to NY. If you aren't up to speed on custody issues, let's just say they dramatically favor the mother in most states.<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: Mike C2 ]</p>

Thanks Mike C2,<p>I'm getting a little crazy myself. To answer your 1st question - Her brother and her family are devastated by her actions also. Her family is very close to me emotionally. For question 2, her childhood, her Mother is in her 5th marriage but her 4th lasted 18 years with a drunk and adulterer. Her brother is in his 2nd marriage and he became a Christian before that 2nd marriage, His 1st wife left him.
I agree, that my wife and her lover have JUST set up to play house for a while and I know that her lover wasn't planning on having my wife's daughter be there. At first, my wife wanted me to keep her daughter until school was out this summer and I agreed at first, then, I thought about how this little 7 year old girl needs her mother so I told my wife that NO, she will go with her mother. My wife was upset with my decision to say the least. So now, my wife has been busy finding her a school and an afternoon child care place. To understand the way we live, let me explain, She goes to a nice school that has an extended day program so she just walks from one class to extended day. Now my wife is having to enroll her in a new school and this little girl, who has never been on a bus in her life will now have to get on a bus to go to a child care facility, not to mention, live at her mothers new home with a complete stranger, my daughter has never even seen or spoke to. This little girl (MY stepdaughter), calls me DADDY, and I am her Daddy in my heart and her's. How could anyone on earth do this to a child.
Anyway, to those who ask me why I haven't tried plan A, WELL? Also, I have talked to my attorney and he said the same thing, don't let her see my son alone and Mike, that is good advice about having a small party for him with just her maybe before we have his real birthday party. I don't want his last memory to have his mother leave him again on his birthday.<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: LOST IN NEW YORK ]</p>

Anyway, to those who ask me why I haven't tried plan A, WELL?
Well, what? Why haven't you done Plan A?<p>Plan A is not about "trying." Plan A is about doing. Showing the ws you can learn to change behaviors which are detrimental to relationships. Plan A is setting everything up for a successful Plan B, if necessary. Plan B is so much more successful with a good Plan A.<p>Plan A does not mean you have to let your ws do anything/everything she wants, ie. let her see your son alone.<p>I have had to got straight to Plan B, sorry, but it seems to be working.
Why do you have to go straight to Plan B? Did you send a Plan B letter? How about posting a copy of it here for some pointers?<p>What are you doing in Plan B different than you were?<p>How do you know it is working?<p>How long have you been in Plan A? At least 6 months, I hope.<p>[ January 17, 2002: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</p>