Well, I am going on 2 months of being divorced and around 4 months of being away from my ex-wife. I am contemplating letting her know I want to get back with her. I am looking for outside advice. Here's the situation (I'll try to keep it short and to the point):<p>We are both in our early 30's (I'm the male). We were married for 13 years, dated for 2. We were the only people we had ever dated and were high school sweethearts. Last year I went back to school and through the result of many things I ended up having an affair. I never pursued the other girl and she definitely hounded me for the months we had class. That is not an excuse because I committed the act. It was fueled by our marriage also having problems. <p>The affair ended and I told my wife about it (she had no idea). She left me for a week, and during that week I begged for her forgiveness and got it. What I didn't anticipate is how hard I took it. I couldn't get over doing that to her. I was the type of person people would peg as the last person they would ever think of having an affair. Obviously not a player type, since from age 0-32 I had only been with one woman.<p>I didn't get over the affair until recently (almost a year). My wife reminded me of the affair and that added to our reasons for the divorce which basically come down to this: she is very judgmental of everything I and others do. She has lost her 'wild/fun' side over the years, possibly caused by me. From me she wanted someone that was more in control (I don't drink or do drugs), but the occassional porn on the side is a bit of a weakness, which is kinda a result of not getting variety out of her. I want to end it, but it is an ongoing personal stuggle.<p>Anyway, even before the divorce became official, I was having second thoughts. But, it felt like I was being swept out of control and the divorce came and went. We occassionally talk via email. We occassionally see each other in church. We had 2 dogs and we both are lining up times to go and visit (we split them).<p>I have to admit, I first had such a strong curiosity about other women since I had never been with another one romantically in any sense other than my wife. But that has come and gone. I haven't really gone on any dates or anything, but just observing other people and trying a few dating sites has made me realize what I lost.<p>My wife took the divorce hard, although I think she is feeling better. She said she wanted little contact because she knows people that fell back together after a divorce and it didn't work a second time. I feel that we are different.<p>Should I try to get her back ? I have no idea what her answer might be. Should I wait a little longer so she just doesn't think I am panicking about losing her and/or just feeling bad about the divorce and want to make it up to her.<p>I have realized it is only my hormones that think I should 'browse' around. In my head and heart I want to be with her. We have half a lifetime of memories together. A lot of them bad, a lot of them good.<p>Bottom line question - should I tell her ?
Thanks. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

I would also like to add that I DON'T regret the divorce. I think it has enabled us both to regain our separate identities and obtain new perspectives. Our interests are the same, our sense of humor is the same. I used to get tired of them being the same, now I realize it is great to have an 'extension' of yourself.

I also wanted to clarify something, when I say that my wife reminded me of the affair, it wasn't her bringing it up, it was just me, looking at her and thinking what I did to her and how I also let myself down as doing something I thought I would never do.

I think you can tell her, but take some time to prepare the way you tell her. A letter might be a better way because you can revise it and get it just right and not be derailed by seeing her reactions or facial expressions.<p>I would recommend, instead of a vague I'd like to get back together, that you have a specific plan first and present that. A good place to start is the book, Surviving An Affair by Harley, available on the website here. If you haven't read that yet, it will really open your eyes to what happened to your M and how it can be rebuilt. It is a very specific step-by-step easy-to-follow guide to rebuilding a M after an A.<p>Once you read it, if you are enthusiastic about the prospect of building a new relationship on the MB principles, you could send her a copy of the book along with a letter explaining that you were thinking about your M and trying to understand what happened, and a friend [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] recommended this book. Tell what you got out of the book and that it made you think that if the two of you had followed the MB plan of recovery, your M might still be intact and happy. End by asking her to read it and tell you what she thinks.<p>This would kind of open the door a crack. She might think that you may be trying to get her back, but she won't absolutely know it, so it won't be too pushy. If she has a positive reaction to the book, then you will know it is safe to explore reconciliation further.