My H moved out last week. I am having a hard time being in the house by myself. I miss him terribly. He doesn't want to see me. However, he really misses the kids and wants to see them. He says he just needs space and time to think things over. He gives me just a small amount of hope to keep me hanging on. I feel like I would "wait" for him forever. I read twackford's post on Letting Go Takes Love. I can't let go.. How long do I give him space?<P>------------------<BR>Tash

Tash,<P>I have not let go either. I am desperately tryin and not doing a good job. I called her at work today and begged her to come home. All it did was push her further away. I was actually sitting there watching our wedding video just weeping. I keep thinking that letting go means I give up hope of ever having us together again. I need to trust that if it is love, it will work. Sounds good but I can't seem to get it. If you would like, we could lean on each other during these times. It may help, or hurt we can try though.<P>Hang on if even barely,<BR>Todd<BR>wackford@goldenoak.com

Forgive me if this is out of line, but it sounds as though the two of you leaning on each other might soon become an emotional affair. I'm in no position to give advice to either of you, I've never been married. But for the sake of your marriages I hope you both will turn your efforts to your spouses - there's a lot of helpful and friendly people on this forum that can offer good advice. Read Dr. Harley's Plan A and Plan B, and good luck!

I understand what you are feeling. My H left the home just a couple of days ago. This is the second time. (first in 94) It has taken everything I have not to call, beg him for time together, etc. I did all of that the first time and all it did was push him further away. My husband also wants "space". I am trying to give it to him. I told him I would not call or ask him to spend time with us. It would be up to him. I have seen him more these last couple of days than I have in weeks. When I feel weak, I pray. It helps. I will be praying for you. Hang on.

Linda Beth & Twackford<BR>Thank you for your replies. It sounds like we are very much going through similiar situations. How do you stop yourself from "begging" them to come home? You say it pushes them further away. Needless to say that is the last thing I want to do. I have always thought myself a strong and independent person. However, I must come across as so very pathetic to my H. My life is on hold and I am tired of feeling so sad! I feel so alone and need to lean on and look to you for support.<P>------------------<BR>Tash

tash, the pain you're feeling is from your heart breaking. there is not short cut to getting over losing the one you love. i doubt you or twackford will ever be able to save your marriage. whenever a spouse moves out for such a long time and do so a number of times and refuse to respond to your pledings, the spouse is clearly telling you it's over.<BR>as painful as it is, and it's just as bad as losing ones' mother or father, you must go throug the hell of five steps of dealing with death,i.e., denial, deal making, anger, and i forgot the others but you see what i mean.<BR>i feel for you. you will get over this and love again but you will never forget the love you lost. it's been a year since i spoke my ow and i still think of her with a longing in my heart. i broke up her because i learned it wouldn't work out but i loved just the same and i guess i all ways will.<BR>good luck!!

My H has been moved out for 8 days. (Feels like a year) When he told me he was unhappy in October, he said he was only 5% committed to staying married. Since he has been out on his own he is up to 50% ( UP 45%, sounds like the Stock Market )Anyway I can't give up yet, and I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

Tash<P>It is fairly obvious from your first post that your husband left because he felt that some of his emotional needs have not been met. I can certainly relate to the pain your husband must feel. It is a normal reaction to want to flee from a situation or a relationship when a tremendous amount of pain is inflicted and you do not see a solution in the horizon. <P>You said that everything seemed fine in your marriage prior to your husband announcing his unhappiness. This would lead me to believe that the breakdown in your marriage is primarily due to your husband’s feelings. The two things that your husband mentioned to you were lack of affection, and the fact that you did not initiate sex with him. These were two things missing in my marriage and believe me, it can suck the life out of you. Had you had open and honest communication and had taken each other feelings and ideas in account, most of your marital problems would never had developed. I know it’s easy to be a critic, I let my marriage fall into the same abuse. <P>Here is my opinion on what action should be taken to bring you and your husband back together. Restoring your marriage to the state that it has been in for the last 2-3 years will not produce romantic love for both you and your husband. Both of you need to work together to come up with a plan to ensure that both you and your husbands important emotional needs are met. First of all if you have not read Dr. Harley’s concept on “The Most Important Emotional Needs” on this web site then you should spend time learning all you can about it. Also make sure that you understand the policy of joint agreement and what it can accomplish for a marriage. Dr. Harley’s book His Needs Her Needs was very helpful to me and would be excellent in your case. Your husband said that he loved you and was still in love with you. You also have children which I am sure are important to him. Both of you have very good reasons to save your marriage. When I am down in the dumps and I use the words “I am in love with you”, I say this for my sake more than anything else. It’s my way of trying to think positive rather than deciding to throw in the towel. Your account in your husbands love bank has been drained to level that he no longer wants to live with you. You must learn to meet the needs of your husband that he feels were neglected. There is an emotional needs questionnaire on this site that I suggest you print out. Go over these things with your husband. If he is not interested then do not force the issue. Try to find other ways to prove to him that you are willing to meet his needs. Sooner or later he will be at a point where he can discuss the Questionnaire with you. I know I would if I thought it would lead to a solution to end my unhappiness. Once you get to the stage that you can communicate openly, use that time to learn to meet his emotional needs. This should be the easy part. just ask him. Once you are here it’s up to you to follow through, if not you will lose your closeness and you will be in the same boat your are in now or worse. <P>Tash, I have been where your husband is now, not the separation but the feeling of neglect. What I have suggested is what I would want and have asked my w to do for me and she has done a magnificent job toward this plan. I have had to make some changes within myself to satisfy her needs and to avoid love busters that have hurt her deeply. Most of what I have written about is what you can do for him. What about you? This period of reconciliation is a great time for you share your wants and desires with your husband. You deserve the same satisfaction and enjoyment has your husband. <P>This is all the advice that I can think of at this time. If you have any questions or would like to talk more you are welcome to email me at dhtloml@yahoo.com. I plan to share all my posts and other Internet correspondence with my w. I am hoping that she will participate in this forum with me (POJA) of course.<P><BR>My prayers are with you and I hope that you will find happiness and joy in your marriage.<P> <P><BR>

Before he moved out, I did try to meet all his emotional needs. (maybe overkill) He felt it wasn't sincere! That I was just trying to make him stay. Well, of course I was wanting him to stay and I was sincere. Since he has moved out I have been available to him always, any time he needs. Does anyone think it's a good idea to make myself UNavailable? I'm so afraid I'll miss that phone call saying he is coming home.<P>------------------<BR>Tash

Tash- Your problem seems so close to mine. My H told me one day he wanted out. I pleaded with him to work on it. I thought we were doing great. He did tell me what was bothering him and I tried to act on his needs. I don't think he thought I was sincere either. he left exactly one week later. Everyone keeps telling me not to be so available to him. They say part of this is that he knows he can come home whenever. But I am afraid that If I start being cold to him, He'll just find what he needs elsewhere. Not that he has been needing anything from me lately. Anyone have any suggestions?

To me marriage is a lifetime comitment to love my w for the rest of our lives. Tash I interpret your question “How long do I give him space” to mean (How long should I put my life on hold and wait for him to return to me before I move on with my life?). I think that patience would be very valuable to in your situation. I would remain positive and hopeful up until the point that I no longer was interested in reconciliation. You mentioned that your husband felt that you were not sincere when you responded to meet the needs that he felt were neglected. When someone suddenly changes their behavior and habits in order to meet a goal it is common to feel awkward or uncomfortable at first. Your husband may have pick up on this and felt that your intentions were only to keep him from leaving. I do not think that he gave it enough time before he decided to leave. If your husband will allow you at this time to meet his needs I think that in time he will in fact see that your are sincere and I believe that you love for each other will blossom.<P>Linda Beth, I think the answer to your question about if and when to withdraw from your husband can be found with-in yourself. In a thriving marriage both partners regard each other’s feelings equal to there own. When your husband withdrew from you it caused you a lot of pain. For you to withdraw from your husband and to make yourself unavailable for the purpose to cause him to feel pain would be counter productive toward a chance of reconciliation. If making yourself available to your husband causes you more pain than you can deal with, then withdrawal may be something that you need to consider. However I would only make this decision with the help of a counselor. Your husband has to decide to return home by his choice. If he does not feel welcome, it may influence his decision. <P>I am sorry for the pain that you both feel.<BR>My prayers are with you. <P><BR> <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Promised Forever (edited December 16, 1999).]

Tash,<BR> My H moved out in july and then I moved all the way from alaska to missouri just to give him the space he needed and even though it hurt very much to move I think I did the right thing. He came to visit last week, he told me he had lied to me and that he dose love me and always will, (something he wouldn't have said a few months ago) We are far from working EVERY thing out but we are one large step closer. he is comming back in march.<BR>But what I am trying to say is, I didnt let go, thought I did but, I really didnt I just loosend my grip a bit, didnt call him every day let him have some time alone to think with out me trying to change his mind for him. I think we are going to make it.<BR>But there is no reason for you to let go untill you are good and ready I didnt and look what is going on I am once again looking to the future, not trying to relive the past in my mind every minute of every day.<P>dont know if what I said made any sence to you but I hope so, and I hope you get all the the things you Deserve.<P>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday<P><p>[This message has been edited by LMS (edited December 17, 1999).]

This is my first time in this media and I am very ancious. This is my brief but painfull history:<BR>We married 17 years ago, our family (with two children) is originally from Argentina but we move to Australia 7 years ago.<BR>We start with serious problems (my wife did not love me any more) 5 years ago and I (we) did not take any action during this period of time. Two years ago a family (with two children) friend of us came to live in Australia the man of this family was my best friend and also was in the past boyfriend of my wife before me.<BR>My wife is now involved emotionally with this man and she want to live alone with the children.<BR>I learn this two months ago and since that, I am trying to fix this studying and rectifying my numerous mistakes.<BR>I am reading the book “His Needs Her Needs”. We are christians (not perfects) and we would like (I need desperately) to have christian counseling before we take any resolution, to do this we need to have reference of your people (if any) in Sydney Australia.<BR>Please can you answer this email as soon as possible.<BR>Thank you and God bless you.<P><BR>Best regards,<P><P>------------------<BR>

tash, i think you should continue to be available to him. and, you should do what every possible to build your life. you cannot go wrong by being with your husband. i know it is not an ideal situation but the two of you are together, practicing the most fundimental form of comunication. so long as he finds you attractive, wants to be with you and make love with you, you are close to a good relationship, provided of course, you want these things too.<BR>please don't think for one minute that you are giving something away and not getting a good return. remember, you're in control of this. you will not do this any longer than you want and too, he is your husband, the man you love.<BR>good luck!!

VERY WELL SAID FRANKIE !!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I wanted to wish you a Very Merry Christmas and all that you wish for in the New Year. Please keep me in your thoughts & prayers and I will do the same for you. I hope to post a happy ending very soon!<P>------------------<BR>Tash

God, it sounds just like me! Mt H told me in September that he wasn't in love anymore, changed his mind within the hour - yes, he was in love, then October 28, told me he was not. I finally kicked him out - he couldn't face his own demons as long as he had me to demonize, and couldn't look at himself as long as he could look at me. Every day he was home before I told him to go, he would find a new reason not to love me - looking for justification and excuses for his own behavior. I think it may be mid-life crazies that is driving his irrational behavior. He keeps coming around to see me - wants to call me, etc. Finally told me that he WAS in love with me, booked us a trip to Las Vegas for January 17th, looked at wedding bands with me, and moved back in Tuesday before Christmas. The day after Christmas, he said that he was mistaken (again!) and wasn't going to give up his apartment yet. Still stayed here with me - even planned a New Year's Eve Party and shopped with me for all the things we would need - laughing and joking in the store, hugging and kissing. Then, this morning he called me from work and told me he was going out tonight to "think" again. Came home, told me that he just signed a year's lease on the apartment, and that he was moving back out friday - leaving me alone at our own party for New Years Eve. Was hurt and disappointd. This is the third time he's let me down. Says he still needs "space," but that the the Vegas trip is still on, aand he's so looking forward to it, and that he loves me, in his own way, and that he wants to start "seeing" me" while he lives somewhere else. Like DATING. I told him I'd agree, but if we're dating, we're ONLY dating (no SEX) and that upset him. I haven't said no to that man in fifteen years! I guess there's a first time for everything. I decided to treat him with loving kindness and not argue with him about it. I also decided that Vegas will either be a 2nd honeymoon, or a last hurrah, because when we get home, if he STILL doesn't know what he wants, I'll make the decision for him. NO MORE. GOODBYE. Believe it or not, this last time, I didn't hurt as much as it did the first and 2nd time. It's like I don't care anymore. I still want him back, but finally realized that if he DOES leave for good, I'm not going to die, after all... But he can't have it both ways anymore. The last months have been hell, and I just won't do it anymore, no matter how much I love him or want him back home.<P>------------------<BR>Anne46<BR>

sounds like you kow what you want anne but I sure hope you are stronger than I was the first time I saw my H after 4 months he kissed me at the bus station and it was over all the "when you come to visit me and the kids here will be no bed tag" well lets just say they fell by the way side.<BR>keep your guard up hun they can slip right around it.<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday<P>

LMS - thanks for the warning, but I have fallen off the "no sex" wagon countless times with this man! I think I can be strong now, because he's got to see exactly what he's giving up. I told him he can't come and go here as he pleases anymore - must call me and ASK, or stay away. That I don't have a key to his damned apartment, and this is MY space - he has to respect me and my privacy. He tried to get on the net tonight and came to tell me it wasn't working - I told him it was, but I changed the passwords, because HE DOESN't LIVE HERE ANYMORE. He wants to come when he wants. I told him if he refuses to respect my space, I'll change the locks, because HE DOESN'T LIVE HERE NOW. Maybe it'll sink in. It was actually starting to - before he came back - now he says he DOES love me - some - but he can't come back until he's at 100% - half way won't do. Says he started falling in love with me when he left last time, but, frankly, talk is cheap, and right now, I don't trust him as far as I could chuck a piano. Hope he wakes up before I run out of love...<BR>TASH, I hope you're paying attention - giving him space is all well and good, and you can wait for him, BUT NOT FOREVER! I got tired of putting my live on hold, and started doing things without him and without telling him, and that got his attention fast! I didn't do this to be spiteful or vengeful, but to remember who I am, and to remind him who I am, and who he is, and who we are together. We really did have a good marriage til his mother died. If He wants that back, he'll have to win me.<BR>Good luck<P>------------------<BR>Anne46<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Anne46 (edited December 31, 1999).]

Sorry I've not been here for a while I got distracted on the infidelity BB, any way, Anne wow it sounds like you are well on your way to having a prefect plan B you go girl <BR>Keep it up but if he wants to come home you may want to and then you two can start on the four rules of marriage. You stay strong, and when H comes back in March I'll try <BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by LMS (edited January 08, 2000).]