Posted yesterday, different thread."hes lying
No response, so thought I would try new thread.<p>Went to councillor yesterday. She told me I was on the right track. H is what they called withdrawl and depression. She suggested I keep doing what i am doing...but at some point make it clear that I expect him to work on why he is so unhappy, otherwise I will get the best lawyer in town so to speak. Said to shake him up a bit.
Also says that I need to softly stroke, him but at the same time, make it clear I will not be a doormat either.
Also said that, he may be in midlife, and since I have a new job and moving on, while his life is same old same old...long hours etc. OW perhaps, but councellor said if there is one, she just may be another diversion of dealing, with whats real.<p>Said i was doing ok, and she didnt need to see me again???? She would see us for couple councelling tho, but doesnt think she can offer any other advice that I am not doing...therefore would be wasting my money at this point. <p>Here is the kicker....yesterday he dropped me off a DRS etc etc...
He did show up for dinner, late, but it was snowing and roads were not great. When he got home I had everything just about ready, so while waiting for dinner to finish we were having a coffee....he asked me if I had heard from the other job i had applied for...I said no, he looked at me and said "their loss". Thats all he said, and I smiled and said thankyou...that was a nice thing to say. He said its true. so I left it at that.
We talked about my preparing for my new job...paperwork, buses etc. He talked a bit about his day. seemed in a good mood, but didnt want to tell him about councelling or confront about anything and ruin the evening.
I ended up over cooking his steak..I felt really bad...so he just teased and teased..saying things like the dog loves ya, and he sat there pretending to chew forever. I joked around with him, told him its not funny...so we carried on a bit joking around. Told him I would try not to wreck it next time. He said couldnt do much more dmage next time.<p>after dinner we were in living room, I asked him about his work...he talked a bit about it, I listened and just said how good he is at his job. (honestly he is good at it) He didnt say much, but I could tell he was hearing me.
Said he was gonna have another cigg. and go up a play bridge upstairs. He offered to help tidy up kitchen...I said dont worry, I dont have to work tomorrow i will do it,,,just go up and relax, I will be up when I finish tidying up. Fine with him.
He played bridge, I read, when he came to bed, I turned out the light and asked him if I could cuddle up to him. He (in a tone that seemed pleased) said ya you can. So I did. This is something we havent done in ages.<p>Tonight he will be late...as he is teaching and then has to go to the office for a while. I asked hm what time he would be home..before midnight. So I am planning to have dinner waiting for him. Not perhaps eat with him again as it is quite late...but will sit with him if he chooses to eat when he gets in.<p>Can anyone shed some light on what is going on...Am I starting to reach him or is this just wishful thinking on my part. Or is he doing this just out of guilt or some other crazy thing.
When the councellor said he was definately depressed....cos I told her all my observations...
she did say that he was probably in turmoil himself, and feels like an outsider of his family looking in. cos of his work. Said that all the working and results of it are kind of tumbling down on him...he is seeing the reality now...doesnt like what he sees...so easier to walk out, than fix it.
THese mixed signals again...are very confusing....my emotions are all over the place..one minute I think its gonna work with a lot of patience...the next, I feel defeated. <p>Printed out the 3 states of mind in marriage, harleys..cos it has withdrawl there...which I have to agree, that is where he is at, and I am the one with "presence of mind" to break the pattern. Just need more suggestions on how to go about it without scaring him off.
I am really worn out....slept on and off in the chair today. So now going out for a walk for some fresh air.
appreciate any feedback anyone may have

Hi Kathy,<p>As we discussed on the other post, keep going with your behind the scenes plans okay? You seemed to have a lot of evidence, and more important your gut feelings.<p>You do sound very together with the facts of your situation. Perhaps this is what your therapist saw? But you are NOT okay with your marriage and you want help FOR the marriage. I suggest you call the number on this site and get the help you really need and want. I've been to the "you don't NEED a man" therapists, and that's not what this is about. Leave that therapist in the 70's!<p>You are having much better response from your H than I ever got. It does sound hopeful, may give him pause for thought. Just talking, cuddling, making him feel as important and loved as he is sure can't hurt. I think we're all guilty of taking our spouses for granted and not putting out that extra effort. It sounds like you are willing to do that and that should be a permanent change in yourself. <p>He's a hard working guy that gets home late and he's hungry. I too am guilty of not responding to that. If I could go back and take a couple of minutes to put together a meal and spend a few minutes talking, I would. Sometimes it's as simple as reconnecting and the small things that say I still love you.<p>Yes, there may be an affair but you have no absolute proof. Drop it for now? What you do have is a husband who appears to respond to Plan A behavior.<p>Kathy, right now you are in Plan A. I hope you have read up on that here. Also, how to say this ...... get off the divorce board! There is a lot of good and hope in your post and there are areas of the forum - like GQ's for people in your particular phase. I am not saying anything other than you are nowhere near divorce!<p>You're doing great K, best wishes.<p>IS