I've been having a hard time recently, because I've been feeling really hopeless about the future. I feel old. I don't have any motivation to do anything different in my life. I liked it the way it was. I don't know what to do with my future. I'm just going thru the days, same old, same old. <p>I finally realized that I think the reason I'm feeling so hopeless is because even tho I feel on one hand, God helped me thru the last two years of craziness, I feel like He let me down. I'm not sure I can trust Him anymore....fully.<p>That is a really hard thing for me to realize because my faith is soooo important to me, at least it has been. I sit in church and hear others say "trust God...he'll never let you down...he has a plan for your future...." and in my mind I'm thinking "yada, yada, yada." That's HORRIBLE!! I hope God forgives me for feeling this way, but I don't know how to get my faith in Him back.<p>I've always followed Him. I've always been the "good girl"...never really wondered off the straight and narrow. Even in my marriage, I thought I was right there, doing all that He asked of me. (Yes, I know my STBXH has free will.....but I'm talking about me and God.) I'm not perfect and NOW realizes some thing I could have done differently, but am I being punished? Am I being tested? Why?<p>I know no one really has the answers, but I'm really feeling helpless and hopeless. I think I'm gonna have to start up with my counselor again. It's really starting to get me down.<p>Any comments, hugs, etc. would be more than welcome. Anyone know where I'm coming from?<p>Aloha,
Ms.O
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for responding to my update.... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>About "faith"...<p>...it really is such a personal experience...
...for me I really did a "rediscovery" of mine!<p>It has cleared up many issues...
...muddled one or two other ones...
...but for the most part... it was the best thing I ever could have done.<p>It has given the reason to focus my thoughts... and not let my mind wander...
It is so affirming in how I handled the affair/divorce and post-divorce tribulation...
It gave me understanding of forgiveness... (without the guilt of not being able to fforget)!<p>The rediscovery, let me know that whatever I suffered... or will suffer... I can offer it with the Christ who suffered so much more.<p>Joining in His humility... put me in my place...
...lving in His humility... will let me be in His place.<p>Perspective comes with time and age...
...faith can come at any time and any age.<p>Join a Bible study...
Help out in the community...<p>Being there for others... makes your life full...<p>Plan A with everyone you come in contact with...
...hasn't Jesus plan A-ed (even a little) with you?<p>You have my all my love...
The time before the divorce is one of the most stressful...
...don't let it tear you apart.<p>Prayers... and more prayers...<p>Jim/NSR

Hi, Ms. O,
I don't think I've ever replied to one of your posts before, but I've read your story for quite awhile, and I've felt your pain.<p>I'd like to discuss this with you, if possible, as I sometimes feel the same way, although you are a ways down a road I DON'T want to travel, but that' s out of my hands!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
I finally realized that I think the reason I'm feeling so hopeless is because even tho I feel on one hand, God helped me thru the last two years of craziness, I feel like He let me down.</strong><hr></blockquote>
I'm sorry you feel "God Let you down..." You know it's not true. He DID bring you through the pain and "wilderness journey" of D. and brought you out whole and strengthened on the other side of it, didn't He? My biggest concern is how badly ~I~ let God down! In my personal life, in my M. I hurt my H badly, and for that, I am truly sorry. But will I ever get to tell him? I mean, I've TOLD him, but not sure if I will ever get to "fix it" between us. I will have to live with the notion that ~I~ screwed up my M, and thank God for the wonderful years he DID give me.<p><strong> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I've always been the "good girl"...never really wondered off the straight and narrow. Even in my marriage, I thought I was right there, doing all that He asked of me. <hr></blockquote></strong>
I understand this, too. I've often felt this way about myself, too! I have to admit, if I was totally honest with myself (and God) that I HAVEN'T been totally on the straight and narrow. Oh, sure,I wasn't as bad as SOME poeple....didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, have immoral sex, etc. BUT, I have been shown lately that SIN can come in many forms! Back-biting, criticism of H, other family members, general UNhappiness and murmuring, lazy as a homemaker and wife, is all SIN to God! So I'm not so wonderful after all. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I now KNOW without a shred of doubt that ~I~ was the one who "broke M vows" first. Not the sexual one, at least not in the usual way, but I broke my end of the bargain, and it's ALL sin, as I said before. If my M is over for good, and my H NEVER decides to come back, that's a whole different animal, BUT I do know what I did to contribute to the "sickness" (maybe even death?) of my M. God is not pleased with that. Having said that, let me add that I have confessed, repented and pleaded with God to give me another chance to "make it right." Will He? I don't know yet. I'm still working on all the issues I had which made me less of a Christian and a wife than God had intended before I put Him on a shelf and went on with my life.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I'm not perfect and NOW realize some thing I could have done differently, but am I being punished? Am I being tested? Why?</strong><hr></blockquote>
I don't think you can look at it as "punishment" as such. Just really the natural consequences of our choices. That's how I feel sometimes. SOme days I absolutely KNOW without a doubt that I "deserve" everything that I am now experiencing. Then, I remember that our God is a God of Love, Perfect Love, of compassion and forgiveness. With that in mind, I wait. I wait for God to finish with the "test." <p>Yes, I believe it IS a test. The children of God left Egypt and headed for the Promised Land with God leading them all the way. They had plenty of food given them each day and a lighted path to show them exactly where the next step should be taken (more than we get, I feel). And still they complained (failed test after test). And so God waited. He waited for them to become contented with HIM leading them for 40 YEARS!! IT WAS AN 11 DAY TRIP!!! It took them 40 years!<p>I'm not sure the "helplessness" is a bad thing. I think the sooner we lean TOTALLY on the Lord, the better it will go for us!! God LOVES to provide for us, especially when things in the natural look the darkest. BUT first we have to totally trust. A hard thing to do when all our natural instincts tell us to TAKE OVER, take charge, DO SOMETHING!!! I think the hopelessness comes from feeling like God has left us. But we know He never does! So it's a test. Do we want an 11 day journey through the wilderness, or 40 years?<p>I heard Joyce Meyer say one morning that EVERYONE has a "Wilderness Journey" they must go through. Jesus did. He did it in 40 DAYS> Isrealites did it in 40 YEARS.....how long it takes is totally up to us! Our WS's are in their jouney, too. And yes, some of them will take 40 years to turn it around.<p>Trusting God is to TOTALLY let Him lead us to the next step. Sometimes we think we have done that, but truthfully, we haven't! What He plans for us is WAAAY better than we can imagine or even think! But I don't think we trust Him enough to let ourselves GO - TOTALLY go - into His hands and His plans.<p>Ms. O, not sure if any of this helped you, but it's just the ramblings of one more wanderer trying to figure all this out. I've had some of the same questions you have, so I figured I'm trying to answer them too. Maybe together, we can find God's answers for us.<p>God Bless,

{{{Mrs. O}}} You know, because you've had a strong faith in God, that HE knows you're human. He did NOT cause this situation you are in to punish you. However, he does want you to turn to him for the guidance and comfort and LOVE that you might have been trying to get from the wrong source. Honestly, I have believed that Jesus is my lord and savior for about 30 years, but until my H had an A and left his family, I was only a "Sunday" Christian. I was talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I am now strengthening my relationship with Jesus Christ. It's gotten me through this last year. I'm trying very hard to put my focus on HIM and HIS will for my life. He has plans to prosper us and bring us great joy, not to harm us. I also know that through whatever suffering we are going through, God uses the opportunity to teach us. Also, it gives us a sense of what Christ did for us by taking our sins to the Cross. Imagine the suffering he did. Imagine how he felt on that Cross with the sin of all humanity weighing on his shoulders. You and I can suffer this knowing how Christ suffered for us. Remember your greatest joy and reward will come when you see Christ again. He won't forget what you've done in this life. Read Phillipians. It should help you. Peter (or Paul, remember I'm still learning) said that to live in Christ is good, but to die in Christ is to GAIN...<p>I know I'm rambling. Ask God to help you with your doubts. He knows you're having them. He knows your every thought. Being a Christian, you know that you have no other choice if you want to see Jesus when you die. <p>My prayer for you is that you will find joy in living life the way Christ wants you to live it. Perhaps God is getting a wonderful Christian man ready for you and when the time is right, God will make it happen.<p>When you get to live with God for eternity, you should NEVER feel old!!<p>PEACE,<p>MOM [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi. I read your story and my heart melts for you. I've been married only 8 months to a man that has been a Pastor for 15 years. He divorced his first wife 2 years ago and we started seeing each other and were married, as I said 8 months ago. While we were dating everything was wonderful. Two weeks after we were married he started drinking and going back to his ex wife. He's left 18 times in 8 months and my heart is broken. I filed for divorce yesterday and it is very hard right now. I love my husband with all my heart and I do not want this divorce but I also believe that God didn't create us to be abused. Even though my heart is broken I'm still trusting God to take care of me. The Bible says that when we've done everything we can do, STAND STILL. He will take care of you and me. We will have VICTORY over our situations. Maybe you nor I were meant to be with the person we were with. I believe that God has a greater plan for us. Stay strong and I will pray for you. Please pray for me.

Hi,<p>I haven't been here for nearly 2 years but decided to come back and read the posts, kind of to assess where I am now, where I once was and how other people feel about what they are and have endured.<p>I feel the same way about my faith. I suppose I "know" that God has not abandoned me but what I loved and valued most was destroyed and I did not get the miracle I prayed for. I remember looking for the "burning bush" every day. I still do, still have this feeling/wish that my former spouse is coming back any day (that is really doubtful, though).<p>I am reading a book called "A Prayer For Owen Meany" and in one part the main character basically says that faith is not about believing because of miracles, it is believing even when you don't get one. In another part he says something like anyone can believe at Christmas time but it's Easter that really matters. Very true and food for thought for those of us who have also died and are being reborn as a result of our divorces.<p>I think because we as Christians are raised with the belief in miracles all the time that we come to expect them when we face tremendous loss.<p>Anyways, I do think of my divorce (it was unwanted and unexpected) as a necessary amputation. Painful but necessary. God wanted something different for me than I wanted for myself. I just could not see far enough down the road, He did, though. <p>I have also tried to look at my life as follows: growth does not occur during happy times, it is a result of adversity. And you can decide who you will be and become by the way you handle the horribly trying times.<p>Still, I feel utterly abandoned. It was like when my husband left me, God walked out with him.<p>I struggle with my faith all the time and it is hard to keep at it day after day when there seems to be no justice on earth for those who are truly good and follow God. (And Then I remember Job...)<p>Nonetheless, the good thing is that you are young, you are vibrant, you are deep feeling and deep thinking. Remember all the positives about yourself and positive events will occur. You may just meet the love of your life yet, someone who will cherish you, battle scars and all, because you are YOU, because of your inner beauty and your inner essence.<p>If you have a hard time believing in God's plan, know that this too shall pass. That is how I get thru the days when I feel let down. <p>All my best to you,<p>Jtois

I don't believe god ever lets us down or abandons us, I don't beleive he can't be trusted, I do believe we let him down and we abandon him. It is our lack of trust in ourselves that leads us astray from god. I sometimes feel that for those that call thereselves believers, that this perhaps is a test in faith, just like job was tested for many years. I believe that everything in life is a passing and our spouses have passed on just as we will in time, the only thing we should focus on is the end and our journey to god. I do not consider myself religous and have not practiced my faith well and I have had many of the same feelings as you, but I believe that it is my fault not gods it is my lack of understanding and ability to lift myself up right now and get on the right track, just my 2 cents worth here.

Hi-<p>I am sorry you are feeling down. I understand. But more importantly, God understands. <p>It is an awfully hard road that you have had to walk. I don't know why things like divorce happen. I struggle to understand WHY God would allow it to happen. Especially to me. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I really honestly believed that God would work a miracle in the end. I kept waiting for that Hail Mary to save our marriage at the last second. But He didn't.<p>I am divorced. I am now a single mother of three small children. My H left me when I was 8 months pregnant for one of my best friends. He married her 4 days after our divorce was final. He appears blissfully happy, while I am struggling to keep my face above water. <p>Does that mean God has abandoned me? Definitely not. He has shown His mercy in many different ways. Not in the way I was hoping for, but He has made is presence known. He did this through friends who cooked meals for me when I was working full time and 9 months pregnant, trying to be both mom and dad to my 1 and 3 year old daughters. He showed his mercy through strangers who barely knew me who helped me financially when I was in a car accident. He showed his mercy by helping me find a house to rent around the block from my parents, who help me in many ways. He led me to a wonderful bible study, and has helped me find Christian friends in my new town. He gives me enough energy to get through the day and even sometimes look forward to the next one. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am not superwoman. I get depressed and lonely, just like all of us do at different times. But I have grown in my faith, and that is really important to me. Would I choose to go through something as hideous as adultery and divorce, even knowing the outcome of closeness to God? Probably not, which is why I didn't get a choice in the matter. I am learning that He takes away things in our lives that keep us from getting close to Him. Maybe my H was keeping me from getting closer to Him.<p>I suggest reading Psalms, speaking to a minister who can aid you, and reading Max Lucado's book "Traveling Light." It is an easy read and inspirational, without getting super heavy. I'll be praying for you.<p>Who Am I Now (Krista)

Hi Mrs. O,
I too have felt let down in matters of faith. I went to church as a child. Never liked it much, but as an adult I relied heavily on my "inner voice" and considered myself a faithful and spiritual person in a generic sort of way. My faith got more specific when I visited the Bible study forum and started listening to Christian radio. I heard the "stand still" message and did that for a looong time. I don't have a "calling" and I reached a point where I felt like I was good at nothing. I lost interest in my work. I wondered what my future holds, what occupation I should have. I opened my heart to guidance and direction and got a lot of silence. It have the same feelings you're describing. <p>I'm on the verge of separation and bankruptcy. I'd rather have a happy, healthy, prosperous marriage. I've prayed for a miracle. Still waiting! Well, I did feel majorly blessed last month when a big hunk of my treads flew off my tire and I got home safely anyway. I believe in miracles. I believe faith is tested when I want and need a miracle, I don't get the miracle, and still I have faith. <p>Then last week there was a great sermon on the radio. It didn't talk about "standing still." It talked about the importance of maintaining your faith by walking. If there's strength for running, then pick up the pace. But when things seem dark and hopeless, we can show our faith by going about our daily business, our daily walk if you will. And when it's time to fly, we get pushed out of our comfy nest. Like eagles, we get pushed out of our nest in order to fly. Sometimes we're pushed too early, but not to worry. Mother eagles will swoop down and carry their young back to safety if it's too soon for that eaglet to fly. Flying can wait, and sometimes there's no strength for running, but most people can manage to walk. It is a testimony of faith to walk each day and take care of the things within our own power. <p>Tony Evans said all this much more eloquently. Since that time, I've switched from asking "what should I do, how should I walk." Enough of that silence already! Now I'm spending more time trying to be a better steward of what I have. I'm also doing a major decluttering of my home and office. In just a few days, it's made a huge difference. I think there's a time and a place for the standing still lesson. Maybe I learned that one and didn't realize it was time to move on? I dunno. The radio station I listen to is on the web at www.kbnj.org. Tony Evans comes on at 7:00 pm Texas time. I'm not a church goer. Sorry donna, but pastor's like your H scare me off before I even set foot in the door! I get my spiritual fix over the airwaves, and thank you Lord for those ministries coming over those airwaves. Discouragement is a strong enemy tactic. It doesn't stick around long when I listen to my radio station. Thankfully, I can drive around and listen to the station as I live nearby. Web listeners with a slow modem would probably get frustrated. Give it a try Mrs O and may you have a dsl connection!

MsO.<p>Know excatly what you mean. I told someone the other day God & I are not on speaking terms at the moment. I feel this loss of my faith more than the loss of my marriage. <p>Like Luoplady, my STBX says I broke our vows first as I wasn't the kind of wife God intended for me to be. However I don't think that means he is not a fault for breaking his vows and going to live with someone else. I admitted that I help creat the problems we had.<p>I felt closer to God during the first yr or so into this but what I thought was the answers to all my prayers turned out to be my worst nightmare. I guess I just heard God wrong for I sure messed up my life by doing what I thought at the time was the answer.<p>
By the replies to the is post, all of us are not alone. My we all find the peace that we are looking for soon.<p>also go over to the Women's Bible study forum, there are several threads that deal with this also. think it was new beginning has one.<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: sing ]</p>

Mrs. O -
I know how you feel and I think you have gotten some really wonderful feedback from some fellow strugglers.
For my own journey, I tend to view it like this:
God has not abandoned me. He is right here beside me where he has been all the time. He can only do what I allow him to. When things get rough, my tendancy as a "fixer" is to jump in the driver's seat and take charge. What I am being forced to do is truly and finally give up control and be led. Being led is scary thing. That is where faith comes in. God's plan is not to hurt me, but for me to prosper. <p>The opposite of sin is not virtue, but faith. For when we lack faith, that is when we try to run things and when we are running things we are distancing ourselves from God. Sin is in that distance. <p>It made sense to me. <p>I am reading a book right now by Leslie Weatherhead, called "The Will of God". It is very short (only 85 pages) and was written in 1944, but is as relevant today as anything I have read. It is a simple, but powerful way to reconcile geniune faith with thoughtful intelligence. It breaks down God's will in three groups:
1. His intentional will
2. His circumstantial will
3. His ultimate will<p>As a brief example in the book he talks about the terrible tragedy of a baby falling out of a 5th floor window to his death. How can any Christian (or any human for that matter) say this is the will of God? Of course, it isn't. But, it is the circumstantial will of God that the law of gravity is in force, that babies are made of tender and fragile elements and that adults have the the responsibility and free-will to keep them away from 5th story windows. Is the baby's death the intentional will of God? Absolutely not - who could worship a God that makes his point by having babies killed?

Anyway, it is a great little book and I found it very comforting in wrestling with some of these same issues you speak of.<p>I also take great comfort from our litergy in the Episcopal church and feel truly cleansed and renewed after the eucharist. When the priest talks about the "peace that passes all understanding" I feel what he means. <p>May God bless you and keep you.<p>M

Sign me up for the "God, Where Art Thou?" Club - the club nobody wants to be a member of...<p>I have written about this subject extensively on the Women's Bible Study. I think everyone's sick of me there (although they are always wonderfully supportive and sweet)... I get so discouraged and then something will happen to raise my faith a bit -- and no, we can't have that! -- BAM! I'm hit again with something... and the cycle begins again.<p>I have been a Christian for years and years, and I know I seem like a flaky Christian at times. There have been time though where my faith was soooooo strong and sure... I miss those days!!<p>It sure didn't help that my ex-H found his last OW's at CHURCH, for goodness sake!! Where was God then?<p>I believe that God created Heaven and Earth and me, and my faith in the Christ who died for me has not ever changed -- but the personal God who loves every hair on my head -- I don't know that God anymore...

(((MS. O))))<p>I too know what you're feeling/thinking and trying to figure out.<p>I too thought I must be getting punished for something I've done. I would say to myself.."was I that bad of a person that God had to knock me to my knees"....<p>I believe he does have a plan for us.... why I couldn't stick with the one I had... I don't know.<p>Keep your chin up.... keep praying and go see a minister or at least keep up with the therapist. I too have quit going to therapy at different times... Thought I was doing ok... ya know... getting over this stuff... then whamo !! I'm not doing to well. Then back I go. The same thing goes for church... sometimes I don't want to go...and its not like I go all the time... but when I do go... it does help me and put me in a different frame of mind/mood.<p>Don't know if I helped...<p>Blessings,
s

Thanks all for your responses. After reading what I wrote, I am feeling kinda embarrassed because of course God hasn't let me down. I've let Him down. And compared to so many others....starving...homeless...penniless....I am soooo much better off. I truly am grateful for all that He has blessed me with and I don't mean to imply that He owes me.<p>I guess what I'm saying is that my trust, faith, hope level has severely dropped and gotten a reality slap thru this process. I just feel like I can't trust...anyone....even God anymore, like I used to....wholly, fully, whole-heartedly. <p>The saying "once burned, twice learned" seems to apply. I can't imagine ever again "throwing" myself fully into anything....love, a relationship. And even with God, I feel a certain amount of trepidation. <p>I feel at a loss as to how to approach the future. What do I do with my longing to be with a partner? To be loved, cherished, etc. Do I deserve that....well, technically no. I know that what I have now is a gift from God. Should I really expect more, esp. when there are so many who don't even have what I have? And if not, why do I have feelings of love, longing, hope, etc? And what do I do with them? Just keep busy so that I don't notice them? Just forget about them?<p>It seems that thur this I've learned that no matter what you do, crap can still happen. Does it do any good to hope...to trust God? I prayed for a miracle for my marriage...it didn't happen. So why even pray? Why even hope? Why look to the future with the expectation of happiness? <p>Why is this a test....a purification of my faith? Why does God make it so hard? As parents, you don't just stop talking to your kids so that they'll listen to you the next time you talk, do you? Whey would you put someone you love thru that kind of test? Esp. if they are asking for your help? <p>How am I gonna get my faith in God and that personal relationship with Him back? I feel like it's gone. I don't hear from Him. Even when I draw close. <p>I'm sorry if I'm rambling...but I just don't see the point at times of believing in a God that makes it so hard...so confusing...so many tests to get to know Him and His will for our lives. (This coming from a woman who's been a Christian for my whole life). I guess I'm having a crises of my faith....<p>Aloha,
Ms.O

Here's something that I wrote to my H 2 days ago. I did not give it to him but it says alot about what God has done for me. He got me to the point where I could write this and mean it....<p>January 14, 2002<p>Dear STBXH,<p>Not exactly sure why, but I&#8217;m suddenly overwhelmed with the need to talk to you. I suppose because I feel my attitude changing and it scares me. Before I felt like you were forcing me to learn to live without you in my life. Now I am at the point where I am choosing to live my life without you in it. It is a totally different feeling. On one hand, it feels good to be in control of my emotions and how I react but on the other hand, it is very scary to face life alone, without someone to hold me when I need it. <p>I will be ok. No matter what, I will be ok. I know that. God is good and if anything, this past 14 months has proved that if I have faith, I can get through anything. God has granted me peace that I cannot explain. He has brought new people into my life restoring my faith in myself. He has provided me with an opportunity to use the talents and brains He gave me. Although my marriage is over, I am truly blessed and I know that I&#8217;m a better person today than I was last year. I&#8217;ve learned a lot about myself and I&#8217;ve seen many things that I should have done differently. For one, I should have shared with you how much it hurt me that we didn&#8217;t treat our marriage like a partnership. I should have shared more about the money with you and not been afraid to make you mad. I should not have assumed that you were happy just because I made life easy. I now see that no matter how great my intentions were, I couldn&#8217;t make you happy. Your happiness has to come from within yourself. <p>I truly wish you find the happiness that you need. I wished for the longest time that I could make you happy. That simply is not possible. You have to want happiness and make the changes in your life that bring it to you. I hope that one of those changes is to renew your relationship with God. Knowing God in your head and understanding what it means for Him to live in your heart are two totally different things. Lean on Him and you too can handle anything life throws your way. He can restore you. One of my favorite verses is &#8220; Lord, restore the joy of my salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.&#8221;<p>Those are two things I&#8217;m desperately trying to obtain. I don&#8217;t want to just be happy, I want to have JOY and I want to be willing to do what God wants me to do. I see Joy each day in the two beautiful children we made together. Right now, I have to be willing to accept the reality of the end of my marriage. You see, I don&#8217;t think it is the paper that makes us married. It was the vows we took before God and our families and friends 12 and a half years ago. Right now, those vows have been broken and continue to be broken each day we live apart and do not &#8220;love, honor and cherish&#8221; each other. <p>By accepting the broken state of our marriage right now, it doesn&#8217;t mean I&#8217;ve given up on the chance to have a new relationship with you again some day. I don&#8217;t see anyway back to our old relationship and I&#8217;m ok with that. It wasn&#8217;t healthy for either of us and somewhere along the line, we stopped being married partners and just became parents who happened to live together and occasionally tried to meet one or two of each other&#8217;s needs to keep the peace. I want so much more than that. I want someone who has a desire to be with me, a desire raise our children with good values and strong morals, a desire to be my partner in all decisions, and a desire to share their feelings and a desire to listen to me share mine. I want to feel important, safe and loved. I want to share all I have with someone who not only appreciates my monetary contributions but also the time and effort I put into my relationships. The saddest part of our divorce is that I know you can be all these things to me. I know that you once loved me and I think that you could love me again one day.<p>However, I need to accept that right now, you don&#8217;t want to be my husband. I used to worry about what I did wrong or what she can do for you that I can&#8217;t. Now I just see that you are doing what you think is best for you right now, whether I think it is or isn&#8217;t doesn&#8217;t really matter. I don&#8217;t have to understand it. I never could anyway. I think you can see that I&#8217;m finally learning to accept things as they are right now and that I&#8217;ve quit trying to force things to change. If things change, that&#8217;s great. However, that change has to come from you, unforced and it must be real and true.<p>I suppose I just wanted to let you know that I want you to be happy and that I still pray for you every day. I need for you to know that even though I&#8217;m moving on with my life, that I don&#8217;t want you to think I&#8217;m turning away from you forever. I cannot accept the ways things are now. I need more than you are willing to offer. <p>In some way, I feel like I need your OK to move on. That way, I don&#8217;t have any regrets or have to look back thinking I did anything to betray you. I don&#8217;t know how long it will be until our divorce is final. I don&#8217;t even know if we will ever have the opportunity to try a new relationship. Just know that while I&#8217;m moving on right now, I won&#8217;t give up hoping that one day we will have the chance to make a new relationship work. This doesn&#8217;t mean I&#8217;ll be waiting in the wings for your current relationship to fail. I refuse to be the fallback plan. However, I don&#8217;t want you to think that just because you screwed up, that I&#8217;m not capable of forgiving and noticing changes you make in the future. I can&#8217;t promise that when you need me, I&#8217;ll be at a place where reconciliation is even possible. But I also don&#8217;t want you to think that what you have done is so bad that you can&#8217;t be forgiven and that we could not build a new relationship. Of course, any possibility of that would depend totally on your ability to be completely honest with me. <p>Well, I have to go to bed. I miss talking to you. I know how you hate to get into these conversations with me. I&#8217;m not sure if it is because I don&#8217;t make any sense and you disagree with everything I say or if I hit a little too close to home and cause your guilty side to feel bad. I might never know but I hope it really isn&#8217;t too late for us. If it is, please let me know so I can move on with my life in peace.<p>Love and joy,<p>Lynn

I hope you don't mind if I intrude (as I'm not a Christian), but I felt compelled to reply to your question.<p>The first thing that popped into my mind when I read your post was: "What does this have to do with God???"<p>Your STBX is the one that let you down, plain and simple. There is really no reason at all to "blame God" for what happened...unless of course you expected God to stop it from happening! <p>In that case, I would say this: It is perfectly acceptable to assume that God has a "plan" for you, but it is wrong to assume that you know what that plan is. Maybe God's plan was to have you learn and grow from a painful experience...maybe someday you will see this experience as a gift...who can say?<p>
It reminds me of a comedy routine I once saw. The comedian said:<p>"Ever see those athletes that thank God after they win a big game? How come they don't blame God when they lose? You know, just once I'd like to see one of those guys say "We coulda won the game if Jesus hadn't made me fumble!!!""<p>
That always made me laugh...but it also made me think...<p>
You say that you've begun to question your faith. I say that's a good thing. The most enlightened people I know are those who struggle with their faith every single day.

How has my experience affected my faith, Ms.O? It is has made my faith more significant.<p>You say 'I can't imagine ever again "throwing" myself fully into anything....love, a relationship. And even with God, I feel a certain amount of trepidation.'<p>I can certainly relate to this. My naive child-like trust is gone, and I think it is unlikely that it will ever return. A chasm of the unknown stretches before me, and where once I saw a bridge extending to the other side I now see nothing ahead but uncertain darkness. Does the bridge continue? Does it narrow? Are there railings to keep me from plunging over the side?<p>And what is it that changed, anyway?<p>My problem was that, although my original naive trust was inspired by my Christian upbringing in a loving and secure environment, it was also founded in large part on my success in life. Everything had always pretty much gone my way and I attributed most of that success to my faithfulness to God. I just assumed I knew where I was going, and I took it for granted that the bridge would take me all the way to where I wanted to go.<p>But the truth is, the bridge was never as safe and well-marked a path as I had assumed, and my destination was nothing more than an invention of my own imagination. <p>It's not that I believed I was immune to pain and sorrow, but I did believe that whatever happened, as long as I put God first and kept to "the straight and narrow", I could count on my family and my church to be there for me. I felt secure.<p>Well, I assumed too much. Blacklisted by my church, and deserted by my wife, I was finally forced to admit to myself that the world did not work the way I thought it was supposed to work. I could no longer "see" where I was going. I was lost.<p>But did that mean God had failed or deserted me?<p>I look back over the years, and I see the hand of God on my life. I see the amazing "coincidences" that brought me to the place I am now, and I see what kind of person I have become. I see God's timing, how I was never exposed to anything until I had gained the wisdom and strength to handle it. I remember I Corinthians 10:13 - "You have been put to no test but such as is common to man: and God is true, who will not let any test come on you which you are not able to undergo; but he will make with the test a way out of it, so that you may be able to go through it."<p>No, God did not fail me.<p>I have to face the prospect that I may lose my home. I have to face the prospect that I may be financially ruined. I have to face the prospect that I may live the rest of my life alone and hurting. These prospects do not fill me with enthusiasm, but neither do they terrify me. And are those prospects any more real than the happy mirage I once chased?<p>I do not know what the future holds. All I know are my hopes and fears.<p>So what do I do? Do I wander aimlessly in the darkness? Do I collapse and huddle in fear? Do I close my eyes and cast about for a way to distract myself from my plight? Or do I place my faith in God, the One who guided me safely all these years (even as I turned my face toward my will-o-wisp)?<p>King David made some pretty serious "mistakes", and he experienced a lot of betrayal and loss. But remember what he said in Psalm 119:105-107? "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws. I have suffered much; renew my life, O Lord, according to your word."<p>Can you find me a better guide?<p>True, I have only enough light to see the first step in front of me. But one step at a time is all I need to take. And so, I go forward again...<p>That, to me, is faith. It is not in the knowing. It is not in the feeling. It is in the doing.

Thanks everyone for your replys. <p>I do see that faith is all that's left when you DON'T know and CAN'T see. That, as GDP said, is what faith is.<p>I also don't mean to imply that God did this. No, my STBXH did this. And I had some part in it too. No, I don't blame God for this. But I still question why, when you are following Him to the best of your ability, He would allow this to happen. God hates divorce. God desire is for a man and woman to be united as one forever. So it's hard to me to figure that this was part of some plan of His.<p>I know these things I'm questioning are age-old questions and no one really has the answer. I've questioned my faith before, but now it's the really BIG questioning...<p>I think you're right, Gnome, that since I've had no major difficulties in my life so far, that it was because I followed God. Maybe that assumption was faulty to some degree. Maybe I was just lucky. Or maybe things could have been worse and God really did protect me.<p>I still have to figure out what it means then to follow God and in doing so, should I have hope to expect something from Him, and is so, what? Or should I just be grateful for all that I have and keep my mouth quiet?<p>In light of what happened with my marriage, it's hard to know how to interpret the promises in the Bible sometimes...."ask and it shall be given unto you." "delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I did these things, and didn't see the result of what I asked or desired. It's just hard.<p>Anyway, I definately have some food for thought and I too feel that it's okay to question my faith and even God. For me, my relationship with God has to make sense here on this earth, in my every day life, or it's no good, even if heaven is around the corner. I really, really want and need the abundant life Christ talks about and that's why I question it. <p>Thanks again all.
Aloha,
Ms.O

Lynn, I loved your letter..it was wonderfull
I can say the same thing..and I am still growing..
and it feels wonderful..<p>Ms. O., <p>Something that has really helped my faith in God through ALL of this mess..was looking at God differently..Read Isaiah 54..a friend of mine gave that chapter to me a few years ago..and it still holds true today..and it's comforting to know God wants to be more than just my Savior, but He provides for me..just as husband would do..(other than sexually) but in every other manner..God provides..He is my emotional rock, Mt Spiritual Leader, He's provided a job..and finances for school, (sure there are struggles..but I learn to depend on Him more and more) and it feels great to know..He's there in the middle of the night when nobody else is..He's there during the day when I really need to talk..He's ALWAYS there..<p>Anyway...Read that chapter..and put your name in some of those areas..and know that God wants that relationship with you..

Having asked the same question, what I concluded is that there is no point in asking why. You may get an answer, you may not. You just accept God's dominion over everything. He allows things to happen. What God wants to see is if you still trust in him, if he is really your source and not something/someone else. When a child repeatedly asks "why" about a parents decision, at times the only reply is "you would not understand even if I told you". Sometimes it is the same with God.
Still you move on, you accept that he has a plan for you, that he has something more for you. And he does. Remaining in obedience to him is a win/win situation. He has something better for you. I know all this from first hand experience.
That is what separates believers from non-believers. Non-believers have no hope. God is good.