My husband of 5 years (we've been together for 9 years)...no kids...we live in an apartment and were planning to build a house this summer...<p>We have a unique relationship because his job takes him away for 2 months at a time. He's gone for 2 months, and then home for 1 months. Everything was very good but over the past year or so, it seemed tougher. I knew there were problems and tried to talk with him about it but never considered divorce...just figured we were going through a rough spot.<p>He blew up at me over the phone in early November and said we should just break up - this was out of the blue. Over the next month and a half, we barely talked (he was gone during this time). He came home and hadn't changed his mind...I thought we were going to talk about working things out but he had apparently already made up his mind. He left again and I didn't talk with him for a few more weeks. This was over the holidays and he didn't call or send a card. He has also blown off his entire family and friends. He didn't even see family or friends over the holidays. His family thinks he's going through something and can't understand him and really have been supportive of me and want us to work things out.<p>He came home again and acted the same way and then left again. Each time he has come home to talk, we've only talked for about an hour or so and he leaves again. No one, including me, believes there's anyone else. He keeps saying we're 'over' but he hasn't done anything during this whole time to actually start the process...he hasn't filed papers, etc. The only thing he has done is stopped calling, and during one conversation, he picked up a few clothes and some bills he is responsible for paying...he hasn't been sending much money home during this whole time.<p>He's considering a job that would mean he'd be away even more than normal, and he's had a lot of anxiety about his current job for several months. He might be wanting to 'end' things so he can feel free to make his career choices without having to consider me.<p>I don't want to lose him. I think he's just going through a rough time and he is in a MLC about his career, etc. We've had problems, but definitely nothing that would be cause for a divorce. And I'm not ready to give up.<p>He has never acted like this before in his life, and if things had actually been bad, I'd accept that this is what he wants...but he's not just treating me like this...he's treating everyone he knows like this right now. He has apologized for ignoring our finances and said that he knew he's had his 'head up his a**'.<p>I know that when you love someone, you love them even when it's hard...what's so honorable about loving someone when it's easy? Yes, it's very hard to love him right now and I might get hurt even more before everything is over, but I know I'm trying to be good to him even when he doesn't necessarily deserve it...and I'm hoping he'll eventually see that too and appreciate that I stood by him.<p>I'm working on myself right now...trying to improve my attitude, staying busy, reading lots of self-help books, etc. but I can't sleep well and I'm going crazy. I keep thinking I'd be better off if I just decided I don't want this because it would be a lot less work and this lifestyle is tough. But then I realize how much I miss him...we were each other's best friend.<p>I'm actually a little tempted to call him and just say 'hi...just wanted to see how you're doing' but I don't know...even though he said the phone works both ways, I'm not sure if it wouldn't be better if I just stayed distant. He DID try calling me a few days after the last time I talked with him. I don't know if being a friend to him by calling to see how he is would be perceived well or not.

Call him. In the end, no matter how it turns out, you will feel better that you did all you could do.
Don't let pride or fear stand in the way, in Love your actions cannot be determined by fear or pride. If they do, you will regret it in the end. When all is said and done, you don't want to be asking youself what if....that is the worst

I have SOME promising news...I stopped at my MIL's office today and we decided to go to lunch. So we went to get chinese and had a nice talk. She said that she and FIL hadn't heard from H at all.<p>Well, she told me that H's cousin had been over to see them - apparently H had stayed at his house the last time he was in town (good, because no one knew where he had been staying). Cousin told them that he had talked with H quite a bit about what was going on and he stressed to H that we were good together - just going through a rough time - and that he should really think about what he wants before doing anything like this. H agreed with that. Cousin also told him that what was the point of us breaking up when we were good for each other and would probably just end up getting back together again any way? H apparently agreed with THAT too! That tells me two things - he's thinking about US and not just getting on with his life, and by agreeing with that statement, I can't help but think he DOES still love me and knows that we ARE good for each other. After all, if he really didn't love me anymore and was sure of it, then he wouldn't even be able to consider us being together again. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but that's how I saw it and how MIL saw it too. Apparently, he HAS been very stressed out about his job too for the past several months but hadn't told me. So that would definitely account for his weird behavior.<p>I'm going to try calling him tonight...after all, he doesn't have to answer if he doesn't want to talk with me and if he does want to talk, then I'm going to be upbeat and just ask him how he is doing and let him talk.<p>I know that I'm really lucky to have our family and friends trying to help us work things out. I know that in some situations, family is doing everything they can to break up the couple, so I know how lucky I am. Just another reason why I don't want to lose this great family we have.<p>Please wish me well...<p>[ January 17, 2002: Message edited by: kblynch ]</p>

Good for you! Great for you! I wish you the best and most of luck and love!
Your family and friends will be your backbone when times get rough, as they may. But don't give up Hope, Hope is good!<p>My Best wishes go with you!

I do wish you well, but I also identify that your husband is having some issues that he's not discussing with you.<p>Consider going to a GOOD marriage counselor... Approach your husband with it as a favor to you, if you don't think he's very pro-counseling.<p>It's better to try and get him in there now than after he's made up his mind...<p>When I say "GOOD" - I mean one recommended by friends, family members, or your local church.. There are a lot of not so good counselors out there.<p>-d

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Well, my MIL had read the DR book and I said that I thought the fact that we were at least calling...even if we were just handling things through voice mail was possibly a baby step and I wasn't sure whether I should try calling or not. She suggested I try it and I agreed. I figured that he has called ID and doesn't have to answer if he doesn't want to anyway. And if he answers, great...if not then OK...maybe he's not ready.<p>So I called him and was upbeat and just said 'Hi! I just wanted to see how you've been doing - I won't be home until after 7:00 so you can call me if you want, but if you don't want to, I won't be angry about it - so I'll talk to you soon - bye!'<p>I realized afterwards that I shouldn't have made the 'won't be angry about it' reference - should have just said "you can call me back if you would like" but oh, well I think I did OK for the most part.<p>On our cell phones, sometimes I'll get a message and it won't alert me to it until days later...that's what happened last time I left him a message. I think he'll call in at least a couple of days...it might take that long before he evens gets the message anyway...and if he doesn't then maybe he doesn't know what to say to me yet or needs to think more.<p>I don't think it did any harm to call...after all, he said the 'phone works both ways' and he has left me 2 messages and I hadn't called back except for the 3rd one where he needed some information and asked me to call him back.<p>I'll wait to hear from him...but at least I feel more confident that he will this time...and if he doesn't I won't be crushed...I'll just figure that he's not ready yet and I'll take a step back again.<p>[ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: kblynch ]</p>

He didn't call and I'm not upset about that for the reasons I gave in my last post. I'm upset about something else...<p>I realized that the conversation he had with his cousin took place probably the day before he came to see me the last time to tell me again that it 'was over'. Again, he hasn't done anything about it but I realized last night that I was getting happy about something he said as if he had just said it - when in fact he said that before we talked last time.<p>I wonder if he's just being agreeable to those suggesting he really think about things when he may in fact be hiding his feelings from them too and resenting them for not understanding why he wants the divorce. Maybe he's just saying he'll think about things because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy.<p>So I don't know how much or how little I should consider what he said.<p>I DO know that another wrench has been thrown into things...I found out last night that the company he works for is merging with another company. Which means that now after spending several months worrying about his job, he's going to find out about this and REALLY want to run the other way. I don't know yet how his job might be affected, but chances are he's going to be pretty bent out of shape about it...and will believe that this turn of events is just another reason why we should divorce.<p>So much for my PMA...I'm not feeling it today.

Hello:<p>OK, he called. He acted a little nicer to me today...he said he was on his way back into town and asked if we could talk sometime tomorrow. He said if I had plans he would work around them. I said that I did have plans, but it wouldn't be a problem because they weren't going to take all day anyway. He asked me to call him when I got home and he'd come over.<p>He didn't say anything about 'working out bills' or anything like that...he said 'so we could talk for a little bit'.<p>I was polite and upbeat - I asked him how his class went and he said 'good' (again, he was upbeat) and I said 'I don't think I even knew what the class was for' and he told me a little bit about it.<p>He asked about some mail he thought he might have received and I said I wasn't sure what he had received specifically. He asked if I would mind if he stopped at the apartment today to pick up his mail and I said, 'No, that would be fine.'<p>I hope his demeanor today sticks with him tomorrow when we talk. It was actually easier talking with him today because he seemed a little more like himself.<p>Of course, I'm a nervous wreck that I'm going to handle the conversation wrong tomorrow. Any suggestions?<p>Thanks!

Hello:
More thoughts - since I can't seem to concentrate on anything else anyway...<p>Last time we talked he apologized about having his 'head up his a**' and not sharing in the responsibility of our finances. He said I had every right to be angry about it and I said 'No, I'm not angry.' Then he admitted that some of the things I had said in our previous conversation had made sense - like that he'd probably regret this decision and that he was being selfish. Of course, he hadn't changed his mind, but at least I should have maybe taken that as a baby step too.<p>I've given him space and apparently he's talked about the problem with a lot of people - which isn't like him, but that's good because he normally doesn't do that. He's talking with people who he/we respect so that's another good sign...not just talking with people who will tell him what he wants to hear.<p>He has called a little more and he actually sounded upbeat today. Another baby step. He told me to be careful driving because it's bad out - another baby step because it's the first time in several weeks that he's acted the slightest bit concerned about me.<p>He hasn't actually pursued a divorce.<p>I guess there ARE several baby steps from the past couple of weeks and I'm just starting to see them now. Maybe tomorrow's conversation will be better than the last. Last time he was over he only stayed for a half hour. If he wants to talk 'for a little bit' and suggested we meet after I'm done with my stuff, then maybe it's because he plans on being here a little longer...but hopefully not to go over bills.<p>One fear...I have my books and stuff near the bed upstairs and he's stopping over today to pick up mail - he asked me if I minded and I said it would be fine. I hope he doesn't 1) use the opportunity to just move stuff out of the apartment or 2) snoop through stuff. There's nothing really that I'm hiding so it shouldn't be a big deal. Besides, I'd hope that he honors my trust in him to be there. I can't believe he'd do anything sneaky but I'll just have to trust him.<p>My mantra of late: Faith...Hope...Love.

^
Please reply ASAP!

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Please reply ASAP!

Well, my husband and I talked again. First we made friendly small talk about family members and work and such...we haven't talked like that in a long time. I told him I had been out taking photos and about my class and he made a comment that it seemed like I was involved in some cool activities.<p>Then he asked me if I had decided about using the same attorney or not. I said I wasn't sure yet...I needed more time to think about it. He didn't seem upset about that.<p>He saw that his W-2 was in the mail and asked if I had started a folder yet for the taxes and I said no. He asked me if I wanted to do our taxes this year since I've always done them or have someone else do them. I said I didn't know yet. He said he didn't mind if I did them, but wanted to let me know it was OK too if I wanted to have someone else handle it.<p>He asked me if I was still mad at him (because of some comments I had made to him during our last face-to-face conversation). I said I wasn't, and that I was sorry because there were some things I shouldn't have said. He said it was very understandable that I was upset, and I said 'yeah, but I still shouldn't have acted like that'.<p>He didn't mention divorce or 'wanting out' this time but he probably thinks we're past that and I've already accepted it. I'm afraid my calm demeanor might be making him think I've accepted it and I'm moving on - and that it's a good idea to do this.<p>He didn't bring up any conversation about us at all...so I didn't either. He did say that he thought it was important that we were civil to each other because we're going to have a lot of things we're going to have to work out - taxes, etc. I guess that's the only reason he's being nice to me.<p>He asked me a couple of times what was on my mind and I said 'oh, nothing really' but I think it really drove him nuts that I was so calm about everything. I think in our past 2 conversations he's noticed that and I think it's making an impact.<p>He said that he went to bed early last night but is still very tired and I said 'yeah, I didn't get to bed last night until pretty late too'. I asked him if he minded me asking him where he was staying and he told me he was staying at his cousin's. I said that I was just curious, not really my business and he said he didn't mind and that he thought he had told me already.<p>He asked if we could meet again Monday or Tuesday night. I said I knew I was busy Monday but wasn't sure yet about Tuesday. He asked me to call him and let him know...and that he could come over tomorrow and talk too if I wanted.<p>I don't know...it went well and I was calm (and looked good - like I was going out) and I think that the more he sees me like this, the more it will make him wonder. But he hasn't said anything that would make me think maybe he's having second thoughts.<p>I hope that maybe my calm, slightly mysterious attitude will start to have some impact on him. I believe he's still confused about what to do and that might not change until his job situation is figured out...so for now all I can do is put my best foot forward when I see him. That's more than I had before since we didn't even communicate.<p>Any thoughts?

Hi,<p>I think that you are on the right track, keep yourself a mystery and continue to be cordial to him. Be nonchalant about your relationship with him, as though you are not affected at all.<p>You have to stay in control of yourself and if you feel that you are losing control, get some professional help and don't worry about taking meds. <p>As for using the same atty, some thoughts here are that you need to be advised as to your rights. Consult the best atty you know of and go from there. If the desire for divorce is not mutual, you may want your own atty. They will keep your interests first, not his. You need an advocate for you.

HI kblynch,

If you notice my logon name you'll understand why I was drawn to your post! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
First, welcome... you came to the right place (or God led you here) [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
You H is confused. This is very hurtful to you I know. Read EVERYTHING here on this site. <p>Marriage is all about filling needs. The first thing you need to do is to FIND OUT what your Husband's are so you can.<p> I must say it must be VERY hard to fill needs when he isn't there. Unfortunately, if we don't, someone else usually does. I hate to say this, but your H's actions (sudden change of heart, lack of contact with HIS family, living away from home, etc..) are "classic" signs of an affair. Your Marriage CAN survive this as long as YOU are strong enough (we'll help you and GOD will if you ask him to) and as long as you REALLY understand the WHYS and HOWS and forget EVERYTHIING you EVER EVER thought of when you heard the word before. You also are VERY vulnerable to an affair right now so be CAREFUL!<p> Once you understand the "mechanics" of an affair you won't be offended by that statement. EVERYONE is in danger if their Marriage is in a bad place. It isn't that a person is a "bad" person who has one. It's the "bad" situation that causes them to happen.

Read about Plan "A" that is where to start to save your Marriage. It's a LONG HARD road but it is WELL worth it and better than the alternative.
Here is a great link to start with.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000553<p> Save it in your "favorites" and refer to it often.
You CAN save your Marriage. Pray and read and POST and when you want to cry, cry here. GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK

Hello:<p>Actually, I am pretty certain there isn't an affair. He has had to work away from home a lot the whole time we've been together. He works on a ship, so he's always been home for about a month and then gone for 2 months.<p>I believe he is in a MLC and I know he's been very stressed out about his job situation for several months.<p>It might make me sound naive, but I really don't believe an affair is involved in our situation.<p>I just wish I knew how to handle his mid-life crisis in such a way that we could get back together and avoid the divorce.

This sounds alot like what my ex had done.The only thing different was my ex started sleeping in my daughters room the other side of the house.I thought he ws going through some mid life crises.So I called a hotline,about depression.Because I really thought taht was what his was going through.Well he went and saw a terapist.He told my ex ,SOUNDS LIKE YOU WANT TO BE SINGLE.I said thats great thats not what I wanted to hear.SO good luck don't let him win.I let my ex win.I was so depressed that I stopped eating for almost two month.Then I figured out I was happer alone.No man to tell me what to do,how to decorate my house,and what to cook.I decided I was going to live for me and my 4 yrold and my 18month old babies.No body else.I thought I wouls never be happy.But I was finally.Giel ggod luck to you and hang in there.You strong.I have confidence in you.

I talked with H's cousin. I found out that he had been considering moving up north because his family wasn't being supportive of him wanting the divorce. His dad and step-mom hadn't wanted to let him stay at their house because they felt he should be here working things out with me. I found out that he has been angry with them because of this and I let them know about it this morning. I don't want them to lose their relationship with him because of this.<p>H also talked at least informally with an attorney about things...probably mostly general financial questions.<p>Cousin and his girlfriend think he's going through a phase, and think it's obvious he still loves me and doesn't really want the divorce.<p>He commented to them that he noticed that I had taken our pictures down the last time he was over...cousin said 'Well, what did you expect? It's probably hard for her to look at them.'<p>H has a history of not talking about things, and making assumptions about what he thinks people feel or think rather than asking outright.<p>H still hasn't done anything...although he has consulted an attorney and that bothers me obviously. He hasn't filed papers and he he hasn't moved anything even though he was in town for over a week.<p>Any thoughts?

kblynch!!!

I have to tell you that you are handling this just like the textbook!! I think you have got the picture of how to handle your situation. Wonderful job of remaining confident despite your feelings. I think you do have him wondering. That is good when you get them wondering. Just wanted to tell you how impressed I am at your wisdom about your keeping cool under pressure.