Driving home today after dropping my kids at school a song started playing on the radio. I don't know the name of it but it was about somebody cheating on somebody else and I just started crying.<p>Why did he cheat??<p>I lived my life for him.
I tried everything I could do in my power to make him happy. When he told me he wanted something I did all I could so he could have it.
I stayed when so many other's would have left, through all the name call the belittling and everything. I feel like such an idiot.
I could see the hurt little boy behind the anger and tried to reach him.
And yet he cheated. Why?
And when I forgave him and decided to work even harder, he wouldn't give her up.
When things got rough he would contact her and reach out to her. Why?<p>It still hurts so much! Why?<p>I'm ready to move on with my life and yet I'm still crying over the hurt of the past .<p>I really need to grow up I guess.
It just hurts so much.
I feel like the love I gave him was spat upon.
I just don't understand.
He said, even while he was in the middle of the affair that I was the one person who showed him what real love was and yet he threw it all aaway.
My love must not be worth very much then.<p>I know I'm rambling, I just need some place to put my thoughts and get them out.
Sorry.

Hi Nicole-<p>I know just how you feel and it is a terrible feeling. I think all of us here do. As hard as it gets remember that this affair isn't about you, it is about him. Also remember that an affair is an addiciton and addictions are powerful things. You gave it your best shot, but the rest is up to him. You can't change him. You can ask yourself why a million times, but it won't change things and probably only makes you feel worse because these things just don't make sense. Focus on you for now, take care of yourself, and try to be happy. We're here for you.<p>K

(((PL))))<p>I know how you feel... take Care of yourself. <p>Have you or are you now going to see a therapist... are you on anti-d's??<p>remember its not about you... the things they say during the affair are so mean, that we believe them... ITS ALL ABOUT THEM... THEY ARE SELFISH>>>
ME....ME....ME... I... I...I !!<p>I feel the reason its hurts soooo bad is because you loved him with alllll your heart. You, were caught off guard... kind of like a deer in headlights... or the best way to think of it as..
there was a meeting held about you, about your life/future and you had no say in it.<p>Remember.... he is still in the FOG....<p>Take cre of yourself.... do something nice for yourself... I know this can be hard when you're feeling so bad. <p>What I believe most of the time, is that we will be better off in the long run... I think once the fog lifts, we're farther down the road than them.... we're better people for what we've gone through....and we've worked on ourselves.<p>Keep your chin up.... this rollercoaster ride we're on is something else.<p>Peace Be With You.....
s

Thanks for the warm replies,<p>I did love him with everything I had in me, and I think that is why it hurts so bad.
He said a few days ago that he would have seriously harmed anybody who had done to me the things that he has done and yet couldn't stop from doing them himself...
so strange for me to think about.
THEN WHY DID YOU DO THEM!!!!!!!<p>I am not seeing a therapist yet but I think I will look into it soon.
I keep thinking about the kids and how they need somebody to talk to and work out their feelings of loss and confusion and anger and and and...
but never really take the fact that I need to do it seriously. (no time, no money, "I'll be o'kay", you know the drill)<p>Tonight the kids and I are going to have a PJ party in the living room. Pizza, ice-cream floats, popcorn and movies...the works. It should be fun, I hope it will make us all feel better to spend some time together just having fun. <p>Anyway, enough for now, my 4 year old D is asking for lunch so I guess I should go and get something on the go.<p>Much love

((((((((((Nicole)))))))))<p>Oh... sigh... nobody knows the answers to your questions but Arik... and I don't even think *he* knows, do you?<p>You are a beautiful woman, a wonderful mom, a loving wife... there is no reason... but is there ever?<p>You keep being YOU, which is pretty darned good, even if he doesn't quite see it yet! <p>Much love,

Nicole,<p>Your post made me sad. Your roller coaster ride is certainly not over yet. My thoughts are that Arik has failed to deposit steady love bank units in such a long time, that your love for him has begun to fade. However, it is not all gone, and that is why you still hurt so very much.<p>I can't wave the magic wand - oh, but, boy, howe I wish I could! All I can say is that you have many friends and many people here care so very much about you.<p>Life's journey is full of straight stretches and then periods of twists and turns. You are still twisting and turning right now. Trust your heart and your instincts. They will protect you. And, pray, pray and pray some more for the guidance you need in your relationship with him. There never has been an easy fix out of these types of situations.<p>Enjoy the party....the kids will give you plenty of distractions. Thinking the good thoughts of you and for you,<p>Desiree

Hi Nicole, I can certainly relate to your situation. I don't think there are any easy answers or easy way out of the pain. Keeping busy works best for me but I can tell you that I have cried atleast once everyday for the last 7 months now, I guess crying is part of the healing process that we must through. It still hurts so much because you loved him, you didn't want this situation, and you can't turn your love off or on like a light switch, I guess it takes alot of time to recover.
Take care, have fun at the PJ party tonight,
Dave

Hello to all,<p>I am doing a bit better today.
I don't know I guess latley I have been feeling a little sorry for my self. You know the whole Nancy Kerrigan "Why me?!?!" thing. LOL J/K<p>Any, the PJ party was fun.
We had pizza and nacho's for dinner with ice-cream flaots to drink and then tons of junk food while we watched "Bug's Life", "Leave it To Beaver" and "Buzz Lightyear of the StarCommand".
The kids fell asleep at about 11:00 and were up by 8:00 (I could have used a few more hours sleep but oh well... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>We got up and made a brunch of bacon, eggs, and pancakes with srawberries.
They are outside now building a snowman and snow fort ( we got about 5" of fresh snow last night so they were pretty excited).<p>Now for the clean up [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] what a mess but it was worth it for the fun they had.<p>Thanks again.

HI NICOLE,
I don't know if you remember me but I remember you (and your H) The fog is such a hard hard thing to shake. At times I thought my W would never shake it (and she REALLY took it to the extreme!!) But, she did. Stay strong. GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS Love FRANK

Frank,<p>Yes I do remember you.
You were one of the many armed with 2x4's aimed at Arik's head LOL.<p>Right now it is not about the OW (although the affair was an eye opener for me). The separation is more about issues that have been going on since well before the affair started.
Arik's anger, teamed with the verbal, emotional and mental abuse that went along with it have been a part of our marriage almost since the beginning.
He hasn't seemed to be able to work past it and I just couldn't take it anymore.
Perhaps someday things might change but for now I need to protect my emotional health and the future emotional health of my children and their future relationships.
I don't want them to grow up in the same kind of home that Arik grew up and therefore create the same kind of problems for them and their spouses that I am dealing with now.<p>Anyway,<p>Thanks for remembering me and saying "hello" and offering words of encouragement.

I know how you feel.The song SAD EYES was playing the day mine and my ex-husband divorce was final.I couldn't even appear in court because I was hurting so bad.I loved m ex with all of my heart and lot of times still do.He had an affair on me with the one his married to today.I still hurt when I see then together and now he has a son with her.I was always faithful to him.Since they have been married or together in the past 7 years.He has had 3 or 4 affairs ands she has had 1 or 2.We have two children together my daughter is 12 and my son is 9.My daughter was 4.My son was 18months. We've been divorced since 1994 and I'm still hurting.I can't even take anything from his hand,because I'm scad we will touch hands.During the divorce I was so stressed out that I stopped eating and lost over 25 pounds in 2 months.I couldn't eat.One day I had taken my babies to McDonalds for supper.Then we saw her and her mom .When I got home my supper went straight to the trash. It took me a while before I could except everything that had happened.I still have days when I think about him and our past.But I'm still fighting.I guess if you truly love someone you love will always be there no matter what.If they only knew how we felt about them.Between you and I I love him still.But I'm remarried and I love my husband now also but just in a different way.Its a different kind of love.GOD BLESS YOU.Hang in there.If you ever need a friend I'm here for you.I'll be praying for you also.Email me at DRidg64@webtv.net

I guess I really should clarify.<p>Although he had an affair and was still contacting the OW and flirting with her well into our recovery he is not with her right now.<p>Our separation is based more on the "last straw" type of thing. I just can't deal with his anger and his way of displaying his anger anymore.
He says I deserve better...
yet he is unable to provide better (a life free of the stress involved in living in an abusive relationship).<p>My sadness comes from wondering why he did the things (the affairs, the abuse) that he did and wondering why he couldn't be the husband that he could have been (if that makes any sense [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] ).

I can understand the affair and the abse.My ex tried to choke me to death while I was pregnant with our daughter,he has given me three black eyes and left an indintion in my jaw where he hit me wth his fist and a knot on the back of my head where he shoved me onto the concrete after the divorce.He made it sound like it was all me.Yea I kind of provoked him,but he had his girlfrind there with my babies the day our divorce was final.He knew it would hurt me knowing she was there, but he didn't care.I have never hit him,ever.I stll have mental scars from all that.Know one understands how I feel.My parents still don't know that he hit me,ever.I don't ever want them to know.So yea,I do know how you feel.