LONG HAIR<p>"You know, Dad," 16-year-old Jimmy started, "Now that I'm 16, I think it's time that we talk about getting me a car."<p>"Well, I'll make a deal with you, Jimmy," his Dad replied. "We'll talk about this car idea when you can bring home a good report card and you get your hair cut!"<p>A couple of months later, Jimmy brings home his report card.<p>"Here you go, Dad. All A's!"<p>"That's great, Jimmy," his Dad replied. "But you still haven't gotten your hair cut."<p>"Well, Dad, while making those great grades, I was in a religion class and noticed that Jesus had long hair, and all of the apostles had long hair. Moses, Joseph and even the kings of the land all had long hair."<p>His Dad thought about this for a second and asked, "Did you notice what else they had in common?"<p>"No, what?" Jimmy replied.<p>"They were all WALKING!"

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. <p>On a Sear's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) <p>On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) <p>On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) <p>On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost! .(but it's "just" a suggestion.) <p>On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) <p>On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) <p>On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) <p>On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) <p>On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) <p>On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) <p>On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use. (now, somebody out there, help me ! on this. I'm a bit curious.) <p>On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) <p>On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) <p>On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) <p>On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Man wakes up in the hospital and is asked "what happened?".<p>My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it.
She came into the family room as I was watching TV.
I guess I stared at her funny because she said,
"I just set my hair."<p>The last thing I remember saying was,
"Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"<p>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<p>According to statistics, last year over 17 million
American families paid a lot of money for things
that looked funny and didn't work.
Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.