I have posted several messages and it seems that either I have a unique situation, or I am doing something wrong, I am WS betrayed spouse asked me to move out of house and issued restraining order we go to court on that next week, she has not yet filed for divorce which I know is a formality at this point. I met this woman on the internet 3 weeks ago and agreed to meet she was married as well, we were intimate and wife found about it last week, all the emails were found BS has said she wants a divorce and I cant communicate with her which is killing me because of restraining order. I have found an apartment and am scheduled to move tomorrow, it seems most of the posts on here I really love my wife and have hurt her very bad, we also go to the same church and sing in the choir for which I am a musician, that is hard as well to see her. Any advice would be appreciated.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Try the old European method of fixing male
infidelity.<p>- box of chocolates
- flowers
- cards<p>You get the idea.<p>I don't know if your restraining order prohibits
your sending these things via internet or not.

Yeah I guess the question would be that once I move my things out that would be the beginning of the end for the marriage. She is still insisting that I get my stuff out and had hoped that someone out there that has been through something similar could give me some advice, I still love her and the pain I feel is from the pain that I have caused her, does it really mean the marriage is over when I move out? How long after she files will it show up on the computor at the court house? How do I try to talk to her, after the ex parte is handed down? Please help!!!

Sorry to see you go through this however as a Brother you must understand that when the Lord said in "Prov 6:31" But whoso committeth adultery with a Woman\Man lacketh understanding: He that doeth it destroyeth his own soul. A wound and dishounour shall he get:....<p>At this point the only thing you can do is stay away as she orders you. I am a BS/Male where its people like you that invaded my house and destroyed it through Internet Lust not Love. I believe its possible that your marriage can be restored but it all depends what you did prior to this, were you good to your wife? How much of a good track record do you have with her or is this what she needed to finally get rid of you, only you know.<p>I would not be afraid and let your Pastor and family, friends know what you did if you want relief of the guilt and start healing. AS far as the divorce showing up in public record that will take place as soon as the Clerk of Court enters info into system and it will post the next day.<p>You need to examine information from this Site why did you go do such a thing, the Lord always makes a way of escape in temptation. What is it in you that is so empty where you strayed outside you marriage? What love bank deposits did you not get from your wife that you sought outside attention? Do you truly Love your wife? AT this point she is going to have to see a Major change in you. When that change comes you run with it and never turn back to what caught you up in this mess. <p>Your house can be put back together but you must understand, You have made your wife feel like the most rejected woman in america right now, its going to take some time for both of you to heal. Don't expect immediate results because she is crushed......Just give her her space as she requested because she can't stand you right now, you're disgusting in her eyes.<p>Take some time spend reading this site but most of all read the Word of God it will give strenghth and peace to carry on and begin to discover yourself " if you're really sorry. Hope this is not a sorry I caught ordeal, like so many others, but I guess time will tell. Take care just hang in there life is not over.

Dear Needing Advice,<p>I agree that it is very difficult to help you with any kind of advice, as we don't really know the details of your story. Can you share them? How long have you been married? Is this the first affair for you? How old are you? Do you have kids? Etc, etc.<p>Most of the people on this forum are in your wife's shoes, maybe that's partially why you don't get a response. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.<p>Go back to the main www.marraigebuilders.com website and read all the information you can about surviving an affair, infidelity, etc. You should also read the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley (founder of this site). <p>I don't now how you can get thru to you wife, except maybe thru her family (parents, siblings), thru her lawyer or thru the mail. If you are truly sorry for what you did (not sorry you were caught) and truly repentant (turned away from doing it again), then you have to let her know somehow. If you are both in church, that is definately the place to start. Talk to you pastor. Ask him to serve as the intermediary between you two. You must bring it out in the open, and ask for her forgiveness and a chance to reconcile.<p>What were you thinking anyway?? What caused you to do such a thing? I just don't understand at all. I can tell you what your wife is feeling like: a piece of sh*t. The lowest form of life. A rejected piece of used personhood. It really sucks. No matter how "bad" your marriage might have been, she DID not deserve that. <p>And if you are lucky....and I mean lucky...you might have a chance to make it up to her the rest of your lives. If you're lucky. <p>I'm sorry if this comes across harsh, but I'm sorry....doing something like that is the lowest...it's gonna take YEARS for her to feel good about herself again, let alone trust you again. Sorry, but that's the truth. Can it be done? I hear that it can. But you'll have to be sincere about it and I mean sincere. And you'll have to commit to marriage counseling, etc. <p>Anyway, don't know if that's the type of advice you wanted to hear, but that's what you asked for.<p>Aloha,
Ms.O

Don't know if I can help you, cause I'm a BS.<p>You're wife right now is feeling very violated, she is thinking about you having sex with the OW...talking to her... where did you take her... did she ride in your car... on and on... her heart is pounding... thoughts are racing...she is a deer in headlights.... <p>When the BS finds out about the affair(s)...she feels betrayed to the lowest level. She thinks to herself that this is all her fault... she feels that "if only" she would have done this or that. In reality........... its your fault that you let this happen. I know I'm sounding harsh, but its the truth. There is no reason in the world to do this to another human being. If there are problems in the marriage....tell her.... go to a MC and try and fix the problems.... don't go out and do something like you've done....<p>I don't know if its tooooo late for you....I don't really even know if you are truly remorseful. That is when things MIGHT change for you and your wife. If she TRULY sees that you have remorse for what you did. Now, I'm not saying that you need to be crawling on your hands and knees..... but mostly be honest and open to your wife... only if you are truly remorseful. Don't be playing head games with her....<p>If the marriage is what you really want... then you better get your butt busy.... Many marriages have been put back together and they are better than ever..... but you have to truly want this in your heart. Read here and post....also follow others advice.... I do believe we have other ws that post here... go to the other boards and seek advice. Get rid of the internet..... you have to start rebuilding trust NOW !!! get the book suriving a affair.... get into therapy with a expert that has knowledge about affairs... like the Harleys......<p>Its all up to you right now.......<p>Good Luck..<p>Keep us posted.... <p>s

we have been married 4 years and have no children together, she has a 21 year old son and 19 year old daughter, I have a 11 year old son this is her third marriage and my second, I have read the book surviving the affair and have come to the reality of what I have I have done, I am also in counseling with my pastor, who has recommended me to another counselor as well. She has now told the pastor that she does not want me at choir rehearsal tonight and I am sad about that because church is my place of refuge. Looks like my only chance to talk to her will be in court on Thursday, and I am wondering is that the place to do a confession, or will I ever get the chance? The pain I feel is so intense because it seems like I feel her pain as well as mine multiplied times 100, I understand that I became hooked on the internet and acted out of lust and she knows exactly what I thought and said and did with the lady from the emails, I am ready to give up on getting my wife back for now, just need to try to let her know that I am going to do what she asks and at this point, it is to leave the house, and she is going to file for divorce, I am going to pray that she will forgive me eventually, however for now I have to just leave her alone and that is the hardest part of all. I do appreciate all the posts, I must say the book surviving an affair has prepared me for the long road ahead, and I appreciate every ones honesty, I did a messed up thing, and the only thing I have to show for it is that I have repented to God, rededicated my life to Christ and I know that God has forgiven me. If it was only that easy for my wife. I will keep you posted. Thanks!

What is your pastor saying about it all? Can't they at least relay your messages and wishes for reconciliation to her for you?<p>It seems to me that they should be trying to bring you two together in some way, at least to talk.<p>What is happening in court on Thursday? It's hard to say if a "confession" (what will you be confessing?) is appropriate or not, depending on what the court hearing is about.....<p>More details....<p>Aloha,
Ms.O<p>PS Don't give up on your marriage yet....like you said, it's a long-haul....

Going to court Thursday for the ex parte, which she has violated by trying to contact me about getting my things out of the house, my pastor has said that hopefully soon he will try to get us together, however he said today to not come to choir rehearsal tonight because she was going to try to give me divorce papers, I guess from somewhere off of the internet, I am truly repentent and have no urge to use the internet to meet someone, I am not just sorry I was caught I told my pastor everything and he has been supportive of my decision to deal with this by being accountable for my actions, and trying to reconcille, any way feel helpless and because I got caught but because of the pain that I have caused her, and it is beginning to really stay on my mind night and day, I have lost a good woman because of my lust for the flesh and I say to any one out there if you truly love your spouse don't have an affair!

Is she getting counsel or advice from a pastor at your church? If not, they should intervene with her and get her to at least sit down with you (with them present) to hear both sides of the story. <p>Do you think your wife was happy in your marriage before all this happened? Do you think she is just really, really angry (and hurt, to say the least) right now?<p>I feel for you and I truly hope your repentance is for real. Your last sentence is a tough lesson for anyone to learn, regardless of what side of the fence you are on. <p>Keep us posted.
Aloha,
Ms.O

I will say whenever you get the chance the apology is important but only in the proper place or time , if it happens in court great, when a person is truly sorry they don't care who's looking or going to make a fool out of themselves in front of. Its not going to bring her back but its going to give her some relief to the EXTREME PAIN she is feeling, a public apology is humbling. As you see affairs are no toy as Hollywood makes it all fun and games. When I first discovered my WS/W 1st Internet EA with someone like you, I was very hurt, crushed, thought I was the ugliest person on earth, numb, betrayed,......But people like you have little respect for yourself, kids, family or others you are very SELF-CENTERED, the OW has no respect for you either, Its apparent you must have lied your way into her house, is her Husband aware and broken because of this?.....I hope you have cut all communication with the OW if you're truly sorry..Most of the guys I came across through the time that my WS/W meet her lovers on the internet fit this profile...She wanted someone just like her.<p>1.Lie
2.Love Money, to do evil
3.Wandering Eye/Flirting
4.Had many internet LUST partners
5.Men had Very Low-Self Esteem
6.She built there EGO's to seduce them, they would say ,"OH I'm so glad you came into my life we were meant to be, you make feel so together and strong inside" [NOT!!] thats the biggest lie,they're still empty today, those guys lied out of there first marrriage and destroyed it trying to mess up someone elses now through the Internet.
7.Made a fake image of themselves on the Internet
8.Used there talent or profession to charm the other...It goes on and on, the Illusion....<p>
Anyway if you get the chance please Apologize to your wife, thats one thing that will help her. She may accept it now because she's in shock still, but she'll know whether you're faking it or not, but don't expect her back no time soon,it may not happen at all, She saw a lot of perverted emails and its stained in her mind for a while, she probably knows you better than you do right now, especially since you been in LA, LA land......Take care keep us posted, but only if you're sorry...Just keep reading and praying.<p>
Ps 55
12. For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him:
13. But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance.
14. We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company.

I do feel very sorry and want to apologize not sure if court is the right place. I feel a since of peace with the fact that I will know which direction the marriage is headed tomorrow, all indications are that she will try to get a order for restraining for as long as possible, but I do plan to ask my pastor to speak with us so that I can apologize regardless of the outcome, I think she is going to try to keep me from coming to our church as a part of the order, but I do love her and want to try to work things out, but the damage seems so severe that all I can do is to let go and let god, I will know a lot more tomorrow.

Hang in there, needing advice. Pray that God will somehow soften your wife's heart and that He will open a door for your speak with her.<p>If that should happen, be humble. Be kind. Be remorseful. Be sincere in your feelings of regret. Her heart is totally in pieces right now. Whatever pain you are feeling, she is feeling ten times worse. Use your pain to humble yourself and show honor and respect to her.<p>I will say a prayer for you. Please keep us posted.<p>Aloha,
Ms.O

Well judge issued order of protection for me to stay away from my wife for 1 year all but ending any hope for saving marriage, she also tried to hand me divorce papers in the courtroom and I didnt take them. She left a message on my cell phone that she was still going to divorce me and that God would be the ultimate judge. She also sent an email to me saying that if I really loved her I would sign the divorce papers asap. I have a meeting scheduled with my pastor today, and I have decided to go ahead and sign the paperwork that she has, because I do love her. It was really hard in court yesterday, because she lied and said that I had threatened her and my 19 step daughter in the past and that was just not true. I did have the oppportunity to tell the judge that I loved my wife, and wanted to try to work out the marriage, but judge said that she did not think that it would work and issued the order. I have no way to tell wife how bad I feel for her because of the order and have lost her because of my fleshly desires and not walking with the Lord, I have rededicated my life to Christ and pray one day that she will forgive me, and that I will have the opportunity to talk to her, please pray for me as we end our marriage because of the sins that I committed.

Just got off of the phone with my pastor and informed in that I would sign the divorce papers, my mind is going a million miles a second, I am tormented by what I did and results of my actions, I will be continuing in counseling and will still attend the same church, as stbxw, I am going to be going over to the house for the first time in 3 weeks tomorrow to pick up my things with a police escort, and right now I feel weak when I think about what that is going to be like. My pain is so intense for her because I realize every day that what I did was so despicable and low that I would do the same thing to her if it were the other way around, I am sure. Any my walk with the Lord has never been better, and getting better every day, I do not watch t.v. and have stopped listening to any music Godly. I also haved stopped visiting chat rooms which was the start of this divorce. I thought I would just have fun and it lead to the affair. I am living proof that if you let satan even have a foot in the door it will slowly take over just a like a drug, even though I resisted for a long time, I always felt that if I did it just once it would be alright, what a way to fool yourself.The bible tells us to resist the flesh and it seems that all the world is ungodly. I really thank God for this website, and will be leaning more and more on you guys and girls as I make the transition to being single again, I feel really dirty and like that no one will ever trust me again, my wife will find a nice man that will be everything to her that I wasnt and I praying for her to be happy again, and to forgive me for the deception, decietfulness, lying, and being a lowlife in general. Please pray for my stbxw and I.

Hey NA, Man thats great you're confessing you're faults believe or not it helps you but it also helps us as well, its nice to hear someone say the affairs are destructive and shameful, most of the people here have been paraded in front of by the WS that they're having the best time of there life....None of us here are beyond what you are going through we can all be tempted and tricked into affairs, but you just happen to be in an environment where we have been burned bad by affairs so your sympathy from us is more so, goodie, goodie thats what you get attitude.....Anyway you're one of us now a brokenman trying to put it all back together. Hang in there the LORD still loves you, just be honest to yourself, we're here for you, just talk to us. We care about your well being since you're trying to back track and you see your mistakes. Thanks for being honest.

I really need help with this W contacted me today even though the restraining order is on me, she wanted to know if I was going to help her financially, I simply said that we need to talk I have some things that I want to say, she then started talking about how she had always wanted a divorce and that now she is free do her thing. I really want to talk to her but I also know that she said that she will not believe a thing that I say. She also mentioned the OW name saying that she knows that I have been with her since I have been gone, and that is not true! She also said that I have not reached out to her for everything that I have put her through, and the truth is after she asked me to leave she would not answer the phone and then she put the ex parte, now a restraining order on me preventing me from contacting her or I would go to jail. I did have the opportunity to say that I wanted to work it out, and that if she could call me back this evening so that we could talk, and she said no. She said that if I loved her that I would give her money for rent, come get the rest of my things out of the house on Saturday, and to stop attending our church because it hurts her to much to see me. I have a call in to my pastor, to see if there is a way that he can mediate a discussion, or if it is still to soon. Any advice would be appreciated!

I really need help with this W contacted me today even though the restraining order is on me, she wanted to know if I was going to help her financially, I simply said that we need to talk I have some things that I want to say, she then started talking about how she had always wanted a divorce and that now she is free do her thing. I really want to talk to her but I also know that she said that she will not believe a thing that I say. She also mentioned the OW name saying that she knows that I have been with her since I have been gone, and that is not true! She also said that I have not reached out to her for everything that I have put her through, and the truth is after she asked me to leave she would not answer the phone and then she put the ex parte, now a restraining order on me preventing me from contacting her or I would go to jail. I did have the opportunity to say that I wanted to work it out, and that if she could call me back this evening so that we could talk, and she said no. She said that if I loved her that I would give her money for rent, come get the rest of my things out of the house on Saturday, and to stop attending our church because it hurts her to much to see me. I have a call in to my pastor, to see if there is a way that he can mediate a discussion, or if it is still to soon. Any advice would be appreciated!