That finally happened,
two days after my birthday, so it would be easy to remember each year,
My friend told me she read the notice in the local newspaper, everyone around me red, everyone knows, except me. Noone had curriage to tell me, neither my parents who also read.
My od claims she didn't knew that, neither YD who went to him on weekend when I was in the shop, not evn told me she would go.
I doubt they didn't know.
I can't stop crying, how could he come to me the next day (23rd) not telling me anything, how could he come few times till today, last time on Monday-not telling me(didn't wear the rin)
Even on Sun 23rd in a fight when I was crying telling him I loved him, he told me being very serious "SHE does not love me".
The baby comes in March.
My yd is there obviously not caring about her father's marriage.
Noone cares.
Everyone is happy.
How to go thru this?
How to live?
Why to live at all.
It's better to take some pills and sleep, sleep, sleep<p>[ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: betrayed and desperate ]</p>

I am sorry this happened, and sorry you had to find out about it this way.<p>As for how to live thru it and why...you have children who love you and need you. They will have rough times in their lives, and they need to know that one gets thru those times by continuing to set one foot in front of the other...not by laying down and quitting. Don't let them down.<p>Hugs--<p>Kathi

Kathi,
I have no strength at all, not more,
I am exausted, I cant go on.
The only things what held me was the hope he'd wake up some day, any time 1, 2, 5 yrs I know Ill wait him.
What now when is for sure he would never be back and Ill stay alone till death

Hang on, for your Daughter's sake. Cry, get in counseling, get help. This is a hard thing to go through, VERY HARD but please get help, find a way to go on. Get on AntiD's, take care of you and your Daughters. IMHO they are not happy, if he was happy why did he hide it from you (not where his ring etc.) Babies put a huge strain on a relationship and a relationship that started based on lies is destined to fail.

a relationship that started based on lies is destined to fail.[/QB][/QUOTE]<p>I would like to believe that but....reading here , am not sure, just opposite.
Not even 6 months passed from the divorce, on Mon was here, looking serious, but I had to find out from the paper.
After all what we went thru, from the paper, friend-couldn't HE say?
Why, why, we built so much (not only the house and the company) two great daughters...
What does she have?
What does she offer? She was a local well known B****
Why?
What did I do wrong?

My X did also. I didn't get so upset by it
possibly because I'm a man earning good money
in California. And that just means I have
$600/month less exposure. No alimony if she's
already married to someone else.<p>I had a Catholic marriage in a church. So
that's forever. No such thing as divorce.<p>What they have? Piece of paper in city hall.
The guy wanted INS papers so he could invite
his son from Brazil. Who knows if he won't
dump her when his lawyer gives him the go ahead.

You know, maybe you did nothing wrong. Maybe its not about you at all.<p>To think you will be alone forever is not true, unless you WANT to be alone forever. Even assuming that your H is gone for good, you do not know what wll happen. I have a good friend who divorced 3 years ago. She's now 47 and dating several guys very happily. And, my mother-in-law who was divorced several years ago when her H left for another woman has done very well. She is single, happy, healthy, with a circle of friends that love her. He meanwhile has broken up his second marriage, and well on the way to losing #3.

If he wasn't honest with you in your marriage - for instance seeing OW why would you think he would be honest with you when you are divorced. <p>Why? I don't know. Stupidity on his part, fog, MLC... why ask why what will why accomplish? Why not ask what now? <p>I am sorry, grieve, it hurts worse than death because he is still around. <p>What does she have? Nothing - and he will find that out in time. <p>She was a local well known B**** - then why do you think everyone thinks your crazy?<p>What did I do wrong: nothing. Marriage is for better for worse, for richer for poorer - there is no excuse for his actions but they are his actions, his decisions and he is facing his consequences. Why are you blaming yourself? <p>betrayed and desperate, I am worried about you. I want you to feel your pain but I don't want you to blame yourself or talk crazytalk about wanting to die. Please keep posting here.

Neither we, nor him, married in a church ,
but for me, in the heart, it's forever.
he was the first one to me (and me to him), the only one.
I simply can't even imagine someone other to be next to me, to touch me . No, not ever.
I love him deeply, I want our life back-or to die.
I can't live and struggle alone with kids

Betrayed and Desparate,<p>You didn't do anything but love your H. Stop it. Do not let him destroy you. You have two beautiful daughters and a wonderful life ahead of you. You can walk with your head held high.<p>It is his loss. Does it hurt...you bet. Is it the end of your life nope. <p>I am in the same boat. I have loved my H for 25 years. But he doesn't want that love. He messed it up. It is him....not you. <p>I wish you lived closer....we are about the same age. I have 4 kids though. It is really a tragedy what they have done. But you have a wonderful life still to live. It is hard shutting doors...I have been struggling too...but a new door will open...and you know how to love. He doesn't. Let him go. Concentrate on you and the kids.<p>It is not easy...my heart is breaking...but he won't destroy me....and when I look back on my life, I will say the second half was better than the first. <p>I want to keep learning and contributing and loving....and that may not include another man...but there is lots of ways to show love. <p>I don't know about you....but my H has made me miserable enough...it is time to move to a new place.<p>Please hang in there...I don't know much about your situation...but it makes me made these lying, unfaithful, sobs get away with destroying lives. I am determined not to let that happen. <p>I will be looking for your posts. I am sorry you had to find out like that...but now you can work on closing that chapter of your life. It won't be easy...I know it won't be for me...but you have a clean slate to start over. Try to get rid of the pain, find joy in your kids and kiss the dope good-bye. Take Care Pat

He WAS in fact even honest
less than a month with her and he told me and after 4 months we were separated-
He only did not give us any chance.
Our councelor later said that the very first moment he came he didn't want to save marriage only "his peace "
THAT hurts so much.
I loved and love him so much.
Each nite I lay down with his picture in front (and our wedding photo near) and wake up after few hours with him in thoughts.
I don't know why am I so stubborn (like the C says) why can't i forget him.
I thought time will heal but it happened just opposite more and more pain.
You are right I wished he was dead, then I could go, bring flowers, cry and know he was not left me on purpose.<p>I followed your story mostly MIM but I didnt see you divorced wish you were closer, here passed midnight and we are in Sat 19th Jan,
maybe you have e-mail
I am surprised how you can be so strong, with 4 kids!
maybe cause my OD chose him, it destroyed me more. She came few months ago, but it was not about me just to leave them-that's a big difference.
YD was fully with me till OD came , now wants revernge for my tears and pain.
She is so cruel last months always repeating dad is better.
Even this evening went to him , i even did not know their plans. OD told her dad married and she even did not phone me or SMS me or anything.
The girls in fact didn't know he married. He made that secret but forgot that papers should publish.
I can't believe that he wants me to suffer like that and he surely knew I would
22yrs in total
How couuld they?
I am sure she is 2nd woman in his life and at the same moment he broke our marriage.
I never never thought or looked someone else.
i know he is much more attractive than me, more succesfull businessman even for USA relations (company worth 500.000$),so pretty, so rich.
and I am only a scientist, not well pad with too many titules<p>[ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: betrayed and desperate ]<p>[ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: betrayed and desperate ]<p>[ January 21, 2002: Message edited by: betrayed and desperate ]</p>

This is a huge problem:
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i know he is much more attractive than me, more succesfull businessman even for USA relations (company worth 500.000$),so pretty, so rich.
and I am only a scientist, not well pad with too many titules
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Whats on the inside of this man? Someone who leaves his wife and responsibilites behind? That is not very attractive to me. Who cares how successful he is - what does it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul. It is what is on the inside that counts. You really shouldn't talk like this. You are a beautiful human being, worthy to be loved and respected - if he can't see that then good riddens. But you HAVE to see it, you just have to.<p>Please get some professional help. I really have to sign off now.

Hi..I know exactly how you are feeling as that is where I was a month ago...
I tried to kill myself and even my kids couldn't make me feel that life was worth living! God though had other plans for me and I am still here.<p>How horrible to let someone have that much control over our lives..it's truly not fair.<p>I want to share this wonderful website I found..it has helped me daily to know that I really am ok...<p>
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/<p>
When the pain becomes unbearable and overwhelming you MUST find some other coping mechanisms to help you...whether it be antidepressants, church, friends or this website..
KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!<p>HUGS from someone who understands your pain!
R

B&D<p>I am sorry you are feeling so low, but please know your life is important. You are not alone. You have your children and you have the support of many friends here on MB.<p>Did I ever tell you that on my last business trip I was able to arrange to meet up with Mike(W-F-H) for dinner. When I asked him about other MB people who he felt close too, he mentioned your name(call name) first thing. Right now his cable modem is shot but I know he would not want you to be so down on yourself. I know he cares about you and what happens to you, just as I do and many many others here do to.<p>I too have felt like there was nothing to live for but I also know that as cruel as it may sound, I could have killed myself but life would have gone on. My X may have missed me briefly but his life would have gone on. Therefore, learn to love yourself because life will go on and it will be much more pleasant with you in it. I wish you the best and want you to know that God loves you, this pain will pass and you will be happy again someday.<p>I know these things because I saw it first hand with my parents. My mom nearly died when my dad left her for OW. She let her whole identity be wrapped up with him and she didn't think she could make it alone. She tried to date but didn't find it fun. Almost 18 months after her divorce, she had once again gone through a down time thinking she couldn't stand to be alone. Guess what, she met a man when she wasn't even looking for one and this year they have been married 15 years. In many respects, I've never seen her happier. My dad on the other hand, married his OW and lives a good lifestyle, has money, but he is miserable in general. OW is bossy and manipulative and generally not much fun to be around. But he chose that life and now he is living it. In the case of his current marriage, he is definately living out the "worse" in the for better or worse part of his vows.<p>There are million of stories just like my moms. Don't get me wrong, I hate divorce, It hurt me and my brother and my mom and dad but I'm just saying that your marriage is not what makes you valuable. God loves you married or not, rich or poor, sick or healthy. <p>Good luck and I truly hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself and your baby. Talk to your doctor about your situation and these feelings. <p>Peace and Love,<p>Lynn

Betrayed and Desparate,<p>I will email you. I am by no means strong. I go through horrible periods where I feel lonely, and depressed and scared. I still love my H. and I probably always will to some degree.<p>But I have to accept where the reality is. He has chose someone else...and it was his choice. I have worked hard on my marriage and for my family. I know I have done the best I could...and if it is not enough for him--that is his problem.<p>My kids are fluctuating too. THey all live with me, my oldest is talking with him, my 16 year old won't speak to him, my 10 year old would rather not see him--but has fun when she does go, and my son just misses his dad. I know eventually, he will probably ask to live with him--and that will be hard.<p>One thing this whole experience has taught me tho--is that I don't have control over so many things. I can only be who I am. And I can only trust in the Lord that my life will improve.<p>I also wrapped my whole being up in my H. And I have horrible withdrawal symptoms trying to remove him from my "being". That was my identity. Well, no more. I am going to be a better me and start living for me and my kids. We may not have the lifestyle we were used to, But I am going to do the best I can. <p>I think what has happened to us is horrible--and shouldn't happen to anyone. But we are going to have to help each other through the rough spots. We have value---and we have to do it for ourselves. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. We can do it!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: miserynmissouri ]</p>

Hi B&D, <p>I am glad you are able to talk here. You are getting good support and yes, we feel your pain. <p>I will try and e-mail you tonight. You are a valuable person. Remember that. Others may come and go but you know you are a valuable person. It will take time for your daughters to know that but they will know. Give them that chance to learn it. <p>Now I will share with you my insight. If this OW was such a great person, this would have been a very open wedding. The fact that there is so much secrecy to it shows he is ashamed. Didn't he say that they don't love each other or something like that? Ok, so you know that you had a happy marriage but their's is off to a rocky start. How long do you think that will last and that poor baby coming. <p>You on the other hand have been a loving mom. Your daughters have that over their child. Be there for you and them ok? Just because their world looks rosy doesn't mean it will always stay that way. Don't wish them harm but they will do themselves in. You take care of yourself and your chidlren. They need your strength. It will put a smile on our faces also. K? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hugz,
L.

B&D,<p>I know it's hard and you are hurting, please hang in there. We are all here for you, post and talk about your pain, keep posting every day to us and let us know how it is going.<p>If you feel to weak right now to fight this, please just know, you don't have to make any decisions about ending your life today, there's no reason to decide that today. <p>Please call and get some professional support. What state are you in? I'd like to help you look up some support lines.<p>Take care and please know your life is worth saving. Your children need and love you, you have family and friends who need you.<p>ANNA

I am sorry this happened to you, you are stronger than you think and can make it through this just fine. I think it is good in some way that he married again. Now you know that you just have to move forward and take care of yourself. Pick yourself up and move on make a better life and be happy without him this will be the best way you can get back at him. Reality will set in for him soon and see that life is not greener on the otherside of the fence, in the mean time work on yourself and be happy.

(((B&D)))<p>I'm so sorry that this has happen to you. What happen to you is what I fear the most. My exh is still with the OW and its been over two years. OW lives in another country.<p>Please call and make a appt for yourself. Where you live, so they have any crisis lines or anything like that. Reach out to others.. its very important and keep posting here and keep us up to date on how you're doing. We're all here for one another. Listen to what the others have written to you.<p>I truly believe what the others have written.... this marriage is bound to fail... I believe he married her cause she is pregnant. If you've been divorced for 6 months now... why didn't he marry her sooner?? There are others here and on other boards I go to where the ws marries alot sooner after the divorce.. like 2 weeks or so. Knowing what we do about the OP.. she probably got pregnant on purpose... with out your ex knowing why. Believe me, the reality will set in...I read in a book once that even though they marry the op... don't think for a second that she has one bit of trust in him. Thats right... she knows how much he can lie and to what lenghts he will go to. What she married is a liar,cheat and a thief... WOW what a wonderful way to start a marriage.<p>Think of it this way... lets say you meet a man... he tells you that in his previous marriage that he cheated on his wife... had a affair... left her and his kids for another women... How much longer do you think that you would want to see this guy.... oh yes.... he'll try and fill you with all the crap the ws says...she this... she that... blah, blah, blah... I think you know what I'm saying.<p>He mad the decision to do this.... a normal human being would have tried to stay and fix the marriage... not do what he did. If the problems didn't get fixed... then you divorce, not have a affair. He is taking his old self to this marriage... so yes, problems will arise when the fog lifts and he finds out the grass isn't any greener. <p>B&D... sit back and take care of yourself.... when he calls keep it friendly business talk...don't question him on the marriage etc.... THEN... let her become the bad girl..... before you know it, she won't be making any deposits if ya know what I mean..<p>Where you live, are there any divorce support groups? This is a good way to meet new people... I too lived for my H. I lived through him. So, now I'm having to find new friends. All the friends we had together wine and dine him and her...nope nothing for me. In my oppinion, they're nothing but shallow... all wraped up in him cause of his high profile job.... Now my very true friends have taked a stand on my behalf. They're not interested in seeing him or his wh**e. So now I joined a divorce support group.. nice people... no one is looking to hook up with one another. I find that a relief... yes, I've dated but some of these guys have wanted to get serious... NO WAY... I feel like you... I don't know if I'll ever have it in my heart again to love someone like that... with the intensity. But, then again who knows... I never thought my exh would have left me and the kids for a wh**e.
So, we never really know what can happen.....<p>Keep your chin up... I know this may seem hard. WE ALL WILL SURVIVE this crazy stuff. No, its not fair... that we must be on this rollercoaster ride...but sooner or later, we'll be getting off.<p>Call some friends... go to the show... do something to fill the time. When you start thinking about the situation... push it to the back burner and say... for now I'm not going to think about it... I may do that later. Keep busy.. that works for me most of the time. Go and so something with the kids... and don't question them on their father and whats going on. I know this is hard... I have to stop this myself...But I know with my boys (16&19) they hate it when I question them. Sometimes its the hardest thing I have to do is keep my mouth shut.<p>I wish you peace....<p>s

OMG,
I was not half aware that I have so many Friends (with big F) here. In fact I expected but can't imagine.<p>I have access to internet after 7 pm and cause we are here 7 hours ahead it's about noon in USA.
First of all thank you for support, curriage and above all UNDERSTANDING and FEELING.
Once more I am convinced that no matter how hard one can try ,can not feel if did not pass thru all that pain and similar story (hope you understand my english)<p>Kathi,
you are right, i still have my girls. With OD I talked a lot yesterday and have a feeling that we can make thru this together, of course with much more effort from both sides.
YD still worries me, she is with him (them) till tomorrow and does not want to talk neither on phone. I am not sure if she'll come tomorrow.
He started the story how she wanted to live with them now cause I am "unbearable". I'll let you know.<p>notheard
You are probably right but he was completely different while with me. I am a scientist but almost believe in witches or something and at times think that maybe OW puts him something in food his and daughters' cause from time when OD stopped living there she changed and opposite: YD is more often there and she changed but on worst.<p>roz
dont know your story but I did the same thing 1.5 yrs ago and that is the main reason why OD chose to live with him during this time.
I started to answer the post and then will go to that linked page. Thanks<p>pp
Mike was so helpful to me , we were e-mailing each day and I miss his advices and help. I would be so happy to meet him andf each one of you some day-for the moment it seems a dream. The hardest thing for me is to love myself: him and his family (I have only parents who adored him more than me) and most of friends are much more on his side, You know: HE was in fact the one who earned so much money, established the company from zero, built the house....I was only a mad scientist who has somee titles which do not make money.
It is hard after 20yrs to change that opinion. Everyone think he is so honest, takes even too much care for me, gives too much money and at start even physical work about the flat-all for exW-
Noone remembers what I did thru these yrs about the house, homekeeping, kids, gardening, ....with no help at all+job.
Now they have several housemades, quit job, does NOTHING according my OD's statement-and he is much happier, she is more fun....
If you have a possibility please say to Mike I miss him.<p>back2gether
I mentioned you I was not married in church, nor they were now, only in city hall. They even went to a small city next to ours home town to be less see. For me he will forever stay my H. Forever.<p>MNM
I'll e-mail you on MOn from the office. You can so well feel my feelings. We are almost twin sisters, age kids (2less) education, story.
Do you really believe there's no hope even for you?
For the moment I think that ME dosn't exist at all, I have a feeling that I lived only thru him and for him neglecting my kids in a way. So it's hard to be pushed on my own at 43. I realize I'll manage in one way or another. It's only so painful.
There's never been my selfesteem so it is hard to build it now but I have to. Till mail.<p>Orchid
You know I even did not notice that in fact this wedding was so kept in secret. The strangest is that neither kids knew. We here are not used to take first kids to be present on second wedding but , it would be normal that he did tell his children so important fact.
Legally that does not change a lot , my kids will share fathers property (and I left everything to him) to 4 parts not only 2-that's positive. They do not realize the importance of this fact, but OW IS VERY AWARE OF THAT. Yes, the day after the wedding (I was not aware of wedding) in a fight when I cried him and wished him OW to love him so much he said: She even does not love me. Not now I can't understand what he thought , less than 24 hours from the moment of signing: for better and for worth, for health and for sickness....<p>
Anna2000
Don't be afraid I tried to kill myself once, now I have no more curriage for that.
Unfortunately my Chas got a malignancy and is in hospital right now but you can't imagine. This last evening , we were sending each other SMSs till 2 am. He is a wonderful man. Please pray for him whoever knows how to pray. I do that in my own special way.<p>scoick
I don't know your age, but the time line of events we share almost in a day. That is so sad. Our H seem so sure in themselves and their decissions. unfortunately I live in a small European country with no such things like support groups for divorced. There are some for alcocholyc or drug users but this: No.
Your script book is real butOW was without any scrupuls, she is able to walk over dad bodies, she doesn't care. Everything she imagined she made come truth. I even helped her with my tears, begging,running for him, not beinga good mother nor a wife.<p>jabber
Your advice IS great , but I feel so weak at the time. It is truth today is a bit better than yesterday, but whenever I think it isa last schoch, one more appears. The next is the baby if nothing earlier.<p>
I mentioned in my vent thread how she sent me scary SMS while he was with girls on skiing in Italy, it was about phone ringing (sometimes I realy used to phone her to see f she is at home-ususlly not while he is at work): "If my phone rings once more you'll be sorry for being borne, I sware to you with my unborne baby. You neurotic full" I showed that to my OD and she made me not to answer and do nothing. Now I want to show him that mssage-to see how "brave" she is to claim on behalf of his baby. What do you all think??<p>I have also an idea of sending him SMS greetings for marrying the woman who neither of her numerous divorced or even single lovers wanted to marry before.<p>Friends you are wonderful, I am so thankful to have you here.