Hi friends,<p>I have been a bit quiet lately, and for that I apologise, but I haven't had the mental energy to be at MB a lot lately. I have posted, but usually on funny threads, or if something that can't be left unsaid occurs to me........<p>My own situation has had a few bumps lately. I finally decided to do something legal, so I went to an attorney and got some interim papers drawn up, to temporarily settle custody, and stop H selling/hiding our assets. If he disagreed we would have had to go to a hearing.<p>So this was served to him on his recent stay back in Australia, and he took it rather well, and decided to agree to the orders for now...whatever that means. So the legal stuff has begun, although, as I told him, I did this thing to protect myself and the kids, but if he wants the divorce HE can do that.<p>I had a rough two weeks when he was here. I was not going to see him at all if I could help it, but circumstances made sure I HAD to, so I gave in and kind of went to a temporary Plan A again, for the sake of the kids. Pleasant, no LB's, etc.<p>His first visit to our house, he walked around in a state of disbelief, probably didn't think I could cope without him. His eyes kept welling with tears, and he was saying stuff like "Gee it's strange to see the old furniture again....." Well DUH......I had to unpack the stuff. Imagine how much pain it brought me, separating his stuff from mine????? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So, I made sure he knew I had plans when he was taking the kids. BUT three times he said that since I was going out, could he stay at my house with the kids. I refused. The third time he asked why. I said "H, things are different now. This is my house, and to be honest I don't trust you here when I am gone." He said "I won't go through your things..........well ok, forget it." He didn't ask again.<p>He then took the kids for a week, to his parents farm. That is the first time he has had them overnight since he left six months ago. He was supposed to have them for two more days, but felt that the KIDS couldn't handle it. I was glad to have them back anyway. I loved the looks on their faces when they saw me again!!!<p>SO then it was my D's 6th birthday while he was here.........we had agreed before he came that he could attend whatever I organised, because it was what D wanted. She had had a party before school finished, as it is difficult here to have parties in the middle of the holidays.....anyway it ended up being a "his family" thing.....sisters and his mum and the cousins. BIG mistake. I felt like a waitress.........no-one really talked to me much. To give H credit, he DID aske me a few times if I needed any help, I said no.<p>At the end of that day he says his big goodbye to the kids...........said he would be too busy to see them on his last day. He was very upset, and I couldn't help to tell him....."You know, it didn't have to be this way." No response.<p>THEN, the next day, the last full day he was here, he calls me and asks if I can bring the kids to his sister's for one last time with them. I agree, thinking of the kids......you may not believe me, but I don't have any feelings left for the man, but I will do all I can for the children to keep a relationship with their dad. So we went over. <p>Okay, here is the SHOCK of the whole time he was here...........the whole two weeks he was Mr Stoneface and icy voiced to me. When we got to his sister's he walks right up to me and kisses my cheek! I was STUNNED. What was this? Anyway, I thanked him, cos if I didn't I was going to say something smarmy in front of the kids, and he looked at me and laughed a little. However, he didn't kiss me goodbye.....<p>So, this is my take........Harley's are right on about the fog. He was away from OW for two weeks, and little chinks in his armour were appearing especially towards the end. However, now he is back there in her company, so he is again in his fog.<p>So, that is what I have had to deal with the past few weeks. <p>Btw, while the kids were gone, I did a few girly lunches, saw a movie, went ice skating with my best girlfriend, and chilled out. It was a good rest time, but geezzzzzz I missed my babies!!!<p>Thank you for reading this far, and sorry it was so long.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

good to hear from you Jackie, it sounds like you handled things fairly well to me. And as for your WS, I hope the very short time he peeked out of the fog he felt some pain over his actions, perhaps the visit seeing his children is what is neccesarry to snap him out of this. You can not compete with OW right now, So she will just have to ruin things for herself. I am gald to see you accepting things and moving forward you deserve the best jackie and he is not the best for you right now, I think like all ws he is lost and confused.

Jacky,<p>Once again, our stories are incredibly similar. Just this week I had a weak moment where I felt sorry for my H and even briefly considered opening my heart up to him again. ( not that he asked, just a feeling I had)<p>I, too, think his brief spell of indecision came from having the kids for the week after Christmas. When he brought them back, he stayed here at least 3 hours. like it was hard to leave or something.<p>He told me things like he had to drink a 6 pack of beer after he pulled over on the side of the road and cry on Christmas eve.( he isn;t a drinker, BTW) He has been hugging me a lot more and a lot harder lately. He also has this remorseful look about him.<p>I've seen the same moments where the fog is not so thick but ultimately he goes right back to her and his own misery, regardless of what he truly wants. He just is not able to accept the way things are. I wrote him a letter ( which I posted on Ms O's thread) but I didn't give it to him. However, I did pretty much ask him on the phone one morning for his permission to move on. I told him that if I knew he was happy and that he was satisfied with his decisions, that it was make it a whole lot easier for me to move on. He said he wasn't ready to tell me that right now. I reminded him that he didn't have to live in a situation that made him miserable. He could take some time by himself to really find out what he wants out of life and in a relationship. <p>He knows it is too late for our old relationship. I've made that very clear. I cannot tolerate the lies and lack of trust. He also thought it was too late for any relationship with me. I told him that I had moved past our old relationship but that I had not given up hope that with a lot of change, we might have a new one some day. But I also told him, I was moving on. I couldn't stay in limbo hoping for that to happen. <p>Sorry this thread was not about me. I just saw so much of my own situation in your posts. Time will tell and maybe our hearts have already turned away from our spouses. It feels funny being the one that is choosing to stop pursueing the relationship. I don't Plan A anymore but I do try to avoid LB's as much as possible. I just live my life as myself. H needs to know the true me, not some super sweet version who doesn't express her opinions. If any thing I've always said what I feel and I don't think that will change.<p>Good luck Jacky, I'm so proud of you. You have shown him exactly what he is giving up. <p>I'll e-mail you soon. <p>Lynn

Thank you jabber and Lynn,<p>I can always count on you two to reply to my posts.<p>I feel strangely disconnected from H now; I have been for a while. I really do feel the same as you Lynn, that we just cannot hang around for ever waiting for them to see the light. And that getting back together would mean a totally NEW relationship.<p>And, jabber, I know that the way he is now, and was in the past, is no good for me. I feel much better without 'the current version of him' around. Like Lynn, many things would have to change before I decided he was once again a viable option.<p>As to the 'me' I presented to him, yes I am proud of taking the high road yet again, and I know that he just cannot believe I am being so reasonable about things. But I have to survive, and this is my way.<p>Thanks again,<p>Love and light to you both.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Bunny ]</p>

Nina....<p>You're doing great..Keep up the good work...<p>he'll come out of this fog thing sooner or later and I truly think it will be later and you'll be sooooooo much farther ahead of him.<p>I too hate when the ws does things like your h did... mine called crying the day before thankgiving cause he saw another mans van infront of my rental house. Go figure.... but listen.... I did all the wrong things... oh yes, I started crying too and I opened my heart to him.... guess what..... after that phone call, he was back to business and never was like that again. yep, he even took her back home(1200 miles away) to meet his family and then flew her back to our state... (she lives in another country)... so keep doing what you're doing.....plan a... from a distance.<p>Blessings,
s

jackie it is funny to me how we so desprately wanted to save our marriages , and as time passes, we start to realize that the WS was not really good for us and how much they did even when we thought everything was fine to hurt us, yes we did our share of things to contribute aslo, but it is funny how our veiw changes, I don't think I could ever consider taking my EXW back , not after all that she found it neccessary to do and they way she has treated me, I realize now I just don't need someone capable of the things she did in my life. There are to many good people out there that treat me good, it is amazing the difference in the way people treat me compared to the way she did. take care of yourself

You are doing fine, Nina.<p>It is really sad when things come to this. Certainly messes up the BS's life - not to mention what it does to the children.<p>So glad to know you're doing ok.

glad you got through the visit all right.<p>how have your kids been since he left?<p>it is a pain to be the one to unpack all the memories & have to decide what to do with it.<p>My STBX has take very little, I even try to give him more but he want take it, don't know if it is not good enough for the OW or he can't stand being around the memories.<p>you are doing good

Thanks everyone for the encouraging words. I am at kind of a numb place as far as my marriage goes.<p>Jabber you are SO right about looking back, and seeing the marriage for what it was. Many, many times he hurt me by making me feel stupid (a LONG story, but that is the only thing that can STILL hurt when I think about it too much).<p>For interests sake here is a little example of how HE has not changed..........I was fooling around doing IQ tests on the net recently. The first one I got 132, second 146 and third 151. I did three cos I thought the results were too high....anyway I am a teacher so I know about the validity thing with tests. BUT it made me feel good anyway. <p>JUST to see what he would say, I told him of the results. He said "So when did YOU get smart?" He stood there for about five seconds with a deadpan face, then smiled as if to say he was joking. Great story, huh? He will never change.<p>Sing the two younger kids seem ok. My son is once again struggling, back to square one as far as his emotions go........he is angry, belligerant and downright rude and unco-operative. But the BIGGEST indicator for me is that once again he is sleepwalking, and last night I got up at 4am to go to the bathroom, and he was up watching tv. This is exactly what he did when H left us in SA.<p>And H thinks that the kids are doing fine? Well I guess 2 out of 3 ain't bad, huh? [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So I just try to be there for them again.......start the hard work with my son over again.

Nina,<p>yes, alot of stories sound familiar, and looking back, my very limited social experience kept me from making the hard decisions. When I picked up the kids for this weekend, 10 yo daughter asked if she could take her flute and recorder in the car, and I said, "Sure, I would love to hear it." X says in front of daughter, "Boy, you'll be sorry." So I calmly said, "No, I would love to hear her play." and so now, X is backpedaling, explaining the joking. D played for about an hour and a half, I whistled with her, had her play new songs, the time together was fun. . .<p>Well, the sarcastic, put down joking over long period can be very withdrawal causing. . . so when kids use it on me, i "lecture" back, and I take them up on their threats that they use, etc. They slowly get the picture that they can't use anger, fits, threats, etc that they learn at X's house. . . . it sucks, but we all do the best we can. . .<p>Although your kids are young, as they get older, they require more attention to understand what is right and what is not.<p>Since the kids run the house at X's house, they have a hard re-entry here, since i don't let the kids run the house. . . just be the best parent you can be, and after the X goes back to SA, you will again be getting back to normal. . . <p>good luck ...<p>WIFTTy

Wiftty,<p>Thanks for the reply, and in particular for that wonderful advice via email about two weeks ago now.<p>STBXH has gone back, left on Friday.<p>I thought about my kids, and in fact all three are acting out in their own ways. My son continues to sleepwalk, talk in his sleep, (did both as I was typing this) gives cheek (that's 'lip' to you guys) but he has ALSO apologised for the cheek today, so maybe he will recover quicker this time.<p>OD is the apple of her Dad's eye, and on the surface it does not seem to be affecting her........well except for the temper tantrums and tears starting up CONSTANTLY, and her telling ME I don't love her..........anger at H directed at me.<p>And YD is very clingy........she comes to me at least 50 times a day to tell me she loves me, and have a cuddle.<p>These children are disturbed, I know it and so do most of our relatives, but STBXH, well Fogman thinks they are doing great.<p>I have always been the type of person that says, hurt me, that's ok, (NOT really) but hurt my family and LOOK OUT!<p>So, now I am trying to restore equilibrium in their lives again.<p>Yes Wiftty, their code of behaviour with STBXH was obviously less than my standards......and even in my presence he allowed certain things that I do not. But they, as most kids do, soon learn the environment they are in, and act accordingly. It won't be long before the kids are not telling me crude jokes about farting, or burping loudly at the dinner table beause DADDY thought that was cute. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am lucky he is not here ALL the time, I suppose.<p>Thanks for listening.<p>Love and light.