I'm doing it my self (really stupid huh!) - But, I'm having a panic attack (okay - can't sleep cuz I'm dreaming stupid stuff)... and not sure what to do about it... other than ask the question and maybe the answers I get will at least calm my fears.<p>Last Thursday was my younger daughter's bday, we had plans and were gone for the evening, then came home around nine. While out my ex called 5 times asking for us, when we would be back, etc. My calls had been forwarded to my Mom's because I was expecting a call about one of my cousin's who'd had an accident and we were waiting for news. (Cousin is fine -minor surgery required - home already ---- whew!!!). My mom didn't know where we went other than we were out celebrating bday with daughter's friends. So she told him she didn't know when we would be back, only that we were gone for a while.<p>He indicated that his call was 'important' but didn't say what he was calling about. <p>Birthdays were NEVER something he wanted to participate in before he left last May, and he never got the kids a gift, barely even acknowledging that it was there birthday (other than the oldest son - who is younger than this daughter). Since he left, he calls at the last minute (night of the birthday) and drops off a gift a few minutes later, but doesn't participate in any of the party (YS's party was in full fly when he arrived with his gift - he took olderson aside and 'talked' with him - but totally ignored YS other than to give him the bday gift.)<p>Older son (after YS bday) became demanding and whiney for several days, informing me that Dad says you treat me unfair, I should be able to do ________ (fill in the blank) because I'm the oldest, etc. <p>H is still not supporting the kids - even though cs orders are in place (says he isn't working ).<p>My question - when he calls at the last minute and we are gone, or busy, or whatever, and I tell him it's an inconvenient time for him to come over, his responses are hateful or angry. I've told him it's inconvenient a couple of times, and he informs me that he's JUST dropping off the gift (or whatever) and that he's coming by anyway. I've even WAITED for him to get here - after he did this - because he said he would be here in X-minutes and was almost an hour and a half late. <p>We live in a small town, I work from home, I also home school the kids - and there are just times when it is INCONVENIENT for him to come over. Part of the reason it's inconvenient is that he generally leaves me upset when he does come over, and I don't have time to deal with being upset - because I have clients, a phone conference, or a project due. My job is important because I am supporting the kids, if for no other reason.<p>There are other situations in play here (most of which I can't really go into online). My attorney has said not to let him take the children, and to be honest, he's never asked to take the kids away from where I am... though he does tend to pull them off to the side.<p>A local judge has even told me not to allow him to TAKE the kids anywhere. He indicated that if he were the judge he would not even allow him visitation - but he's not a divorce court judge - just very well acquointed with my STBX.<p>The only child visitation orders, state that it is at my convenience... I have legal and physical custody. These are temporary orders - but he has NEVER responded to the divorce or any of the custody matters - including child support - other than to tell the (whoever) that he isn't working and has no money. (He get's a monthly annuity check that is about a third of the child support - that I cannot attach. And he's still living in the farmer's house and driving the farmer's car - if he isn't working for him - the living arrangements are a bit strange.)<p>When he calls at the last minute I feel harrassed by him, and I feel manipulated because he won't give any notice or concern for my position, or my job, or my schedule. <p>Is this normal procedure for non-custodial parents? Do they always call expecting you to be available at the last minute? If you are NOT available, but you are home, does this mean you must imediately adjust your schedule to suit their needs? If the children don't want to see the other parent, is that a consideration when planning visitation? Is there any way to PLAN for visitation - so it is not done in this way - when the visiting parent refuses to call ahead and make arrangements? What is the 'police dept.' response when a non-custodial parent calls to tell them he's being denied visitation - under these circumstances... not being denied - just told it's inconvenient at this time and asked to make arrangements prior to whatever visitation is wanted? I'm not refusing to let him see the kids, just asking for some personal consideration - by him making an appointment to come by instead of calling and expecting to drop by at the last minute.<p>Is it my responsibility to contact him about visitation? AND - considering that parties were never his forte and he didn't want to be invited to them prior to the divorce (he told me this FREQUENTLY AT HIGH DECIBELS), should I be notifying him of party times and schedules now? Specifically, if that child doesn't want to see him on her bday (bad memories from previous bdays where he arrived in a lousy mood) should she be subjected to his presence? <p>Hope someone has some clear views of this - mine are pretty cloudy right now... And I'm feeling extremely insecure in this area.<p>Thanks,<p>Jan

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

???? The only posted response was deleted??? I don't understand?

Well I'd say get on w/ your life. If he calls and its inconv. then it inconv. period!!!<p>Tex.

Was my other reply too drastic? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Nope Anne - <p>Just wondered what other divorced parents felt.<p>Probably lame request.... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] but I was really wondering.

Be strict about him giving notice. He has zero rights to unilaterally disrupt things See the children's Bill of Rights I just posted too.<p>Karenna

It sounds like your STBXH has not yet understood the reality of the situation. He still expects things to be like they were when you were not going through the process of divorce.<p>You need to set some boundaries. If you have trouble doing this you can read a book called Boundaries - go to GQII board and scroll down to a post asking for books to read, enter the post and scroll down to the link entitled Books. This will lead you to the Boundaries Book. I haven't read it yet, but I need to because I am in a similar situation.<p>Make sure you read books on what arrangement is best for the children and you may even want to talk to a child counselor to get ideas on the best possible arrangement for your children.<p>Also, think about what life would be like if you were remarried - what type of arrangement would be best suited to allow you to have a life with your new husband and a life with yoru children.<p>Would your new husband like your ex dropping in all the time and calling all the time. Probably no - and if your new husband(still hypothetical) had an ex wife - what type of arrangement would to have for her interact with your new husband's kids. This helps to put it into perspective.<p>There is nothing wrong for asking for and receiving advance notice for things and your STBXH may have to be disappointed a few times before he gets the picture. <p>You'll have to discuss these issues anyway when the divorce rolls around, so it doesn't hurt to start now.<p>Good luck. These WH's seem to have a had time relinquishing control - they want the best of both worlds. Don't let him make you think that setting a few groundrules is going to hurt the kids or that you're doing anything wrong - remember this is his choice!