My husbands job (and the holiday season) has him working at least 12-14 hours a day ... bringing home in the evenings around 9 or 10 pm. When he gets in, he is so tired, moody, and all he can do is kiss the kids goodnite, try to eat and maybe watch 30 minutes or so of the news. He is physically exhausted from working on his feet all day and brings himself home totally irritated. I am trying VERY HARD to be patient, loving, and understanding ... but I get really fed up with his smart comments or moodiness because of his job (been working there 17 years). I try to tell him that he CAN take a lunch break (which he says they don't have time) and that he needs to slowdown (but says he can't leave till they are done) - but my suggestions seem to irritate him like I "know nothing" about what he can and cannot do at work. I am helpless at helping him thru this ... and I end up getting irritated with him because of his mood. Do I just grin and bear it thru all of this, or do I continue to try to talk to him and help -- only to get irritated if his moodiness gives me a smart answer that makes me mad. I asked him this morning if he wanted me to work up a resume for him and start sending one out ... he just responded "no". Pecked me on the lips and said "see ya tonite". He cannot stand his job and WHY he continues to stay there (other than money) baffles me. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I should be acting/reacting to him about all of this without ticking him off? The kids even seem to be more stressed out cause they never see him; and he complains that this job keeps him from spending quality time with the kids ...

I have a father and a husband that are both work-aholics. In my limited experience I have found that just giving men space to rest and recharge works best. Sometimes, to be as nice as you can, loving and understanding is all you can do. He probably does not know how he sounds when he talks to you. <P>My husband is also very frustrated with his job. We are newlyweds and he had started to take it out on me and we would argue a lot. One day, I calmly told him that I understood how frustrating his job is and yet that is no reason for him to take it out on me. I then walked out of the room, giving him time and space to think. It took telling him this more than once, clamly and unemotionally, for him to get it. He doesn't take his frustrations out on me anymore.<P>I also had told him that we are a team, I am on his side and that I would do whatever it took to help him through the job thing. I reminded him that I am always here to listen.<P>When I felt the way your children feel about my own father, my mother would just tell us that he had a lot of responsibilities and was working hard for all of us.<P>With 17 years in one workplace, your husband has probably earned a considerable retirement package. He has been there so long that change may intimidate him. That is a human and normal response! He may feel trapped or limited in his choices.<P>Do you work too? If not, he may feel that his job is to be the provider for his family and does not want to jeprodize that. <P>Ultimately, no one can tell you how you should or shouldn't act or be. You know your husband better than anyone else. I hope some of these suggestions will help. Only you know the right things to do. Good luck!

lkgrubb - <BR>thanks for your response. Makes a lot of sense to me ... I think that is all he needs is the time to unwind. I do have a good job that I have worked for 15 years ... but yes, he does have a considerable amount invested with them and I understand that. Its just that he is so frustrated with working the hours he does ... he hates it and I just don't understand staying in something you hate doing ... unless he sees an end coming soon to the long hours. I know he doesn't realize how he sounds and acts sometimes - he's not getting much rest and I must be patient and understanding. I think I will, though, tell him that he doesn't and shouldn't take the frustration out on us .. me and the boys (3) and that I do appreciate and support him in any way possible. Thanks for the good advice. <BR>It bothered me a lot yesterday because I beeped him in the morning and he never called me back and when I asked him last nite if he got the beep he said "yes, but I just cannot take a break to get to the phone anymore - I'm swamped and don't have time to take a break or eat lunch or anything".

Cndy:<P>When you say:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I try to tell him that he CAN take a lunch break (which he says they don't have time) and that he needs to slowdown (but says he can't leave till they are done)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You're guilty of a very well-meaning lovebuster---disrespectful judgements.<P>I would try a different approach. Validate his "issues" by recognizing that he's busy and swamped (and perhaps unhappy by it). Ask him what you CAN do to help---bring him lunch, maybe make a dinner date with you and the kids so he can pop in, eat, and then get back to work. Have a few creative ideas, but listen to what he asks for. And don't forget to tell him the reason you're doing this is because you love him and miss spending time with him (and the kids).<P>If you come across as having HIS interests as a priority, he's going to be much more apprecative (and malleable too... ). And remember not to react defensively to his "lovebusters" (smart comments, moodiness), but ask him what you can do to help put him in a better mood.<P>If you go about meeting these needs of his in the way that HE wants them met, I'm betting you get your needs met as payback.

Thanks Ken - you always have good advice! I told him last night that since I am going to be off work the 2 weeks of Christmas that me and the boys can come and meet him for lunch, or even just bring him lunch ... and he responded that he wouldn't have time to eat it so there was no sense bringing it. (I kept QUIET!!) I cook him a good, hot, filling dinner every night now because I know he is tired and hungry and he appreciates it, I know he does. I guess your right in that I lovebusted and didn't even realize it ... YUCK! Gosh, I hate that now ... maybe he thinks I'm not supportive. I'm going to try ALL the things you said. Today, I sent him a Cookiegram with cookies and an I love you balloon to hopefully brighten him up! <BR>Oh, I forgot to say that on Saturdays and Sundays he is 100% opposite because he is off of work and has the break he needs ... I let him sleep in on Saturdays and I get up with the little ones and he is in the BEST of moods those days which DOES make things better! <p>[This message has been edited by Cndy (edited December 16, 1999).]