A number of events (some created by me, others by my H) have led my H to finally tell me (after 3-1/2 years of marriage) that he doesn't and never did have the "feelings" for me that he thinks a husband should have. He said that there was never a "connection" b/w him and me, and up to about a year ago, he thought that the "lack of connection" wasn't a big deal. We've had an "ok" marriage.. but he's never put me or our marriage first. It was always work, sports, his interests, and then once in a while he'd remember me,and do something nice. But although I knew he loved me, there was so much that I wished he would do (want to take care of me, compliment me, put my needs in front of his once in a while, etc.)<p>Back in July, he told me that this "lack of connection" was the reason why he hasn't been the kind of husband to me that he should. And he left. <p>We've seen each other off and on, had numerous discussion about us, even visited a counselor a few time (until he decided that it wasn't going to help). We've also had a few periods of time that we've had no contact.. but basically, I've waited all this time for him to make the decision if he wanted to come back to the marriage and try. He seems to be waiting for the "feelings" to just happen. And he doesn't believe me that it doesn't happen that way.<p>I've tried to explain to him that love is a decision.. a choice.. not just a feeling.. that feelings come and go...<p>But it's been 6 months now, and he still hasn't made a decision. He still wears his ring (as do I), but none of *his* friends know that he and I aren't living together anymore (my friends and family have been my life line all this time).. and only his parents know... and I'm not sure if they even understand why.<p>My H has always been spoiled.. he's never had to work hard to get anything. He's had his parents buy him all his cars, pay for college, even his job - it's a family company.. he's never had to interview for something... it's always just fallen in his lap. He's a very dedicated worker at his job.. he's a perfectionist.. but for some reason, working on the marriage isn't something he thinks he can do. He says that if we didn't have this "connection" before (we dated 4 years prior to marriage), we'll never have it.. period.<p>I'm sorry this is so long.. I'm just very confused as to what to do. I'm a Christian, and feel that if I tell him that I can't wait any longer and ask him to go to a lawyer for a separation, that I'm giving up hope.. and faith.<p>But at the same time, I can't do this any longer.. I want to be with someone who will love me the way a husband should... <p>Thanks in advance for your help.

Vicky,
I feel for you, when my stbx and I were separated last year, he met someone on lineThen he told me that he and i never had that "connection" . At first I denied that and was so hurt and upset. He told me that he and ow had a special connection unlike what he had with me. He thought and still does that they were soul mates. Does your husband have someone else in his life? What does he feel he is missing? For us it was the intimacy. YOu see online my stbx was able to open up to the ow, tell sides of himself he was always nervous to reveal to me or a person face to face. After that special intimacy began they felt "connected" . Find out what he thinks is missing and begin to work on those things. I also believe that love is a choice. It seems you choose to love him, despite what he might be saying to you, so continue that and find out what his needs are. Its worth a try. <p>Rosita.<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: rosita ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I feel that if I tell him that I can't wait any longer and ask him to go to a lawyer for a separation, that I'm giving up hope.. and faith.<p>But at the same time, I can't do this any longer.. I want to be with someone who will love me the way a husband should... <hr></blockquote><p>if you don't have kids, which the post doesn't reference, and you just had an "ok" marriage, and you feel you can't do this any longer,<p> you need to go to a lawyer. I realize that the feelings of being right would be nice if the other party filed as that is what they appear to want. . .. however, some people, who don't like to hurt other people's feelings, who don't like to do the dirty work, who are spoiled, don't think of being the bad guy.<p>The underlying assumption here is that a couple should have a pretty idyllic marriage before the kids, and if not, the additional stress of kids puts so much strain on c+ marriages that the relationships are prone to fail. You see, with kids, the additional time demand, etc, can turn an A+ marriage into a C+ marriage, but there is enough there to hold onto. In C+ marriages, there is not. . .<p>I say, assuming you have no kids, you go to the lawyer yourself, and end the scharade, and if this action of yours doesn't wake him up, or cause him to change his views, then he is not good marriage material. <p>So what that you have dated all this time, and been married all this time, you don't appear to have a high opinion of him, and yes, people do give up on others, remember your last boyfriend you broke up with?<p>sometimes, people make mistakes, and sometimes, people don't turn out to be who we think they really are. . ..<p>I say cut your losses right now, take the knowledge you have, and look for someone whom you think will be the kind of partner you want.<p>and in the mean time, i suggest reading, "If the Buddha Dated," by Charlette Kasl. .. . to get your bearings and priorities correct in dating. . .<p>just my opnion, but i wished I had done that 18 years ago, when I figured out something was wrong, but didn't know what. 20 years later, now i know.<p>wiftty<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</p>

Well, H came over last night.. I told him that I'd like him to go to a lawyer and file for separation. (My financial situation isn't very good and I can't afford to do it myself... if I have to, I can borrow money from family.. but I'd rather he pay for it).<p>We don't have any kids... and as far as the connection...yes; my H found a connection with someone else.. my best friend. She is married, and the four of us hung out all the time.... and I wasn't aware of the consequenses, i guess. They are currently not seeing each other any more, but b/c of the "connection" he found with her, that he never had with me, he feels that this marriage can't be saved...<p>I've asked him a number of times what was missing.. what was this connection? He can't explain it. But he said that doing the little things - cooking, cleaning, complimenting, romantic things...taking care of me, etc... don't come "naturally" with me. And if he had a connection with me, it *would* come naturally.<p>I've given up. I feel like such a failure.. and partly responsible, b/c i'm the one that introduced him to my best friend and her H.<p>After I asked for the separation last night, he was so kind.. and affectionate, made me dinner, etc.... made it ever HARDER to walk away....I'm still not sure that I did the right thing... but you can't force someone to want to work on the marriage. Can you?

Vicky,<p>I'm still not sure that I did the right thing... but you can't force someone to want to work on the marriage. Can you?
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote><p>No , as much as we may try, we cant force someone to do the right thing. But you have to do something. I think its worse not doing anything at all. YOu can expect something to get better unless you work at it. If you want to improve your bowling average you practice bowling, read books about it , buy a new bowl , shoes, ect.... So why not invest in someting as important as a marraige. Its so much harder just watching something die. I dont know what to tell you. Maybe your husand was being nice, cause he felt a tinge of guilt , who knows. One thing i have found out, is try not to guess what the other is feeling , cause 9 times out of 10, i wound up giving my stbx more credit than he deserved. I cant comment too much on the mb plan, i never actually worked it. I did a combination of tough love, changing me and tried not to love bust. Look into the mb plan and work that . YOu will become more confidant in a path , once you choose the path you want to take and stay on it for the duration. Sorry , im kinda babbling, its been a long weekend. Take care..... Rosita

Vicki,<p>is your hand broken? why can't you call a lawyer, and help yourself to protect yourself?<p>I still don't understand why you are requesting him to do the work? if you don't want to be married to someone who you don't think has a connection to you, what is your fear?<p>You will learn alot about the failure and will be very experienced, and without kids, most people will not hold it against you. . . .<p>I think you need to learn to stand up for yourself, and the shock value will make him decide whether he really wants to be married or not. . .<p>my problem when this happened to me is that people talked me out of it before the kids came, and then it got really tougher. . . . because the effects were more disasterous. .. <p>good luck<p>wiftty